Nearly 30 and unsure about having children

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Going anon for this as my other half is a boardsie.

I have been in a loving relationship for 7 years with my other half. All going well and no major issues. I turned 29 this year and for the last while (I'd say 6+ months) I've started to feel very unsure about whether I want children. Up until this point I always coasted along thinking I did want children but didn't really give it much thought to be honest.

I think the reason why it's come up is that my OH and I have been talking seriously about engagement, marriage and our future. The thing is, he's probably 80-90% sure he wants children and I'm 80-90% sure I don't want children at this point in life.

Since I started having doubts about children, I've been very open and honest with him and we've communicated regularly about it together. The thing is, it's all come to a head because really it's decision time. We can't really just keep going with this issue hanging over us and can't really move forward in our relationship (get engaged) without reaching an agreement. I'm completely devastated because we're considering ending a long term committed loving relationship that it otherwise happy, strong and healthy because we can't reach a hypothetical agreement on children.

I'm feeling so confused right now but the one thing I do know is that I can't compromise on this issue. I feel it would be really selfish of me to bring children into the world without feeling like I really want them. Equally I know no children could be a deal breaker for him so we're stuck.

So that's where we are - going back and forth over it. My questions really are, has anyone else been in this position? What happened? Are my doubts/feelings normal? Did anyone initially not want children and then change their mind? Some impartial advice is much appreciated.

Thanks!

athtrasna

You need to have the conversation and be really honest about it. In my case we'd agreed to talk about it when I was 30, turned out he took that to mean we would start trying for a baby on my 30th. Being honest, it was the beginning of the end, after a similar length of time together as you.

My siblings have children and I love them very much but I love my freedom, my sleep and my time. The thought of being pregnant/giving birth turns my stomach and always did. Kids are not for me, I'm in a minority but the best advice I ever got was "to thine own self be true".

Be honest with yourself and with your partner, which ever decision you make.

bp

There was a thread here about this recently that you should have a look at.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting children it's just how you feel. It is make or break in a relationship so an honest conversation needs to be had.

batmanrobin

I think you both realise you're going to have to break up. That's the only solution to this. Children are not something anyone should compromise on. If one really wants them and one really doesn't then that's the end.

If one of you were to compromise the resentment that would build from it would see you breaking up anyway several years later.

It's going to be very hard, but long term ending it is for the best.

witchgirl26

OP you say that you're unsure if you want children at this point in life but I think the big question is more if you want children at all? I'm only a couple of years older and for the past few years I've been damn sure I want kids but just not right this minute. My other half would like children and probably wouldn't mind them now. We're not breaking up or anything because we've talked about it and are on the same page of both wanting children, it's just me wanting to put it off for another year or so as there's things I want to do.

I can really empathise as I hugely questioned wanting children at all about a year or so ago. I didn't have a clue if I did or not and it took a lot of soul searching etc. I didn't tell my partner every part of that but was honest with him about where my head was at. I came to the conclusion myself that I did want children but my confusion was more about when.

Making the decision about children does not have to mean you have them now. Like I said, we've made the decision we both want kids but that it's not happening for a bit. We didn't start trying straight away.

silverharp

if your choice is for the right reasons then you need to break up, its pretty binary, you aren't really stuck as such. There is clearly nothing wrong with your choice to not have kids but what happens if you regret your decision in 10 or 15 years time? you didn't explain why you don't want kids but is there any part of this where its you don't want kids with this man? I guess just be sure your own reasoning is solid, possibly go to a counsellor just to trash it out independently in more detail?

GaGa21

I know at 29 I did not want children. Forward to 39 and I am currently ttc. With the added factor of fertility issues. If it doesn't happen, I won't be devastated. We will still have a happy life. If it does happen, I will be thrilled! We were always on the same page though...he is happy either way.
Probably doesn't answer your question other than I am a person who did change her mind. And also even if you did, fertility issues could prevent it from happening anyway so consider all options before ending your relationship. Best of luck.

Parchment

You need to talk to him. I had this conversation with my boyfriend quite soon into the relationship (once we knew it would be a serious relationship).

I have never wanted children and never will. He had no strong opinion either way but now 5 years later he is sure he doesn't want children either.

You need to sit down and talk to him.Having a child is a huge deal but its your choice, you're the one who will have to carry the baby. Dont be pushed into anything (by him or society) and be true to yourself.

Best of luck.

osarusan

athtrasna wrote: »

Be honest with yourself and with your partner, which ever decision you make.

This is the most important thing.

There's nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting kids, it's just how people feel. But be honest with each other, and let the other person make a decision based on the honest facts.

There's nothing worse than pretending to agree to something when you really don't, or to deny or dilute a strong belief or feeling you have (to keep the relationship going), and for something so fundamental, it's bound to create problems in the future.

There is a temptation to water down your 80-90% conviction about not wanting kids because, firstly, who knows what might change in the future, and secondly, you think that not doing so might bring the relationship to an end. But if 80-90% is how you feel, please communicate that.

LegacyUser

My feeling is that your almost 30 and in a long realtionship. You may feel that people expect you to get married and have children. You boyfriend might like the idea of having a baby but has he experience with babies or small kids? See if you and him can mind a friends/family baby or small child. Let him see a small amout of the reality of what is involved with a baby or child.

Do you want to travel, change jobs, do you want to own a house or apartment? Do you feel that you if you get married your boyfriend/family or friends will expect you to have a child as soon as possible?
Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years time?

I know couples that were together a long time like you. Some of these spilt up as one person wanted marriage and kids and the other person did not.

Also you need to consider where you will live, if you have a child where will they go to primary and secondary school? How will you afford to put them through college?
In todays society most people are in their mid 20's before they start work due to college and in the future this be the case so you have to think over a 25 year period from when a baby is born. You also have to consider how you would both cope if you had a child with health issues, specail needs or needed extra care.

To me a child deserves to have 2 parents that want them. Not every woman out their wants kids for any number of reasons. Isn't it better that a child has a mother and father that want them rather than a mother who resents them.

In your case I would be very honest with your boyfriend about your feelings. Think long and hard is it the case you don't want a child now due to x and y but that in 3 or 4 years time both you and him will be in a better positon re work, financies or owning your own home.

Sunflower 27

It might be worth thinking about the reasons why you don't want them. Is it that you don't want to be tied down or is it a financial reason?

If it is a financial fear, that can likely be resolved.

It may benefit you to investigate this in counselling as this is an obvious deal breaker in a relationship.

I knew in my late 20s I didn't want children. Friends thought I'd change my mind but now at 44, I realise I knew myself best and am very glad I didn't have them. I have a wonderful partner who also doesn't want children. We have a great life, travel a lot, I was able to return to college and change careers (not saying you can't do this with children too). It works for me and us. There is no regret, which is a wonderful place to be mentally.

This is the rest of your life you are thinking of. Take the time to look at the reasons why and take it from there. I can hear the angst in your post which is why counselling may help. Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best.

skallywag

GaGa21 wrote: »

Probably doesn't answer your question other than I am a person who did change her mind.

I think that your post will strike a chord with quite a few. There are certainly those who decided that they did not want children when they were the OP's age, and never looked back. But there are equally those who do indeed have a change of heart as time moves on.

I don't think one needs to be to explain why they feel they do not want children, e.g. is it because of financial reasons, being tied down, etc. Some people just have no desire to have children for no particular reason at all. It can be difficult to openly say so though without being sniped at.

Sunflower 27

skallywag wrote: »

I think that your post will strike a chord with quite a few. There are certainly those who decided that they did not want children when they were the OP's age, and never looked back. But there are equally those who do indeed have a change of heart as time moves on.

I don't think one needs to be to explain why they feel they do not want children, e.g. is it because of financial reasons, being tied down, etc. Some people just have no desire to have children for no particular reason at all. It can be difficult to openly say so though without being sniped at.

Just to clarify, the reason behind not wanting children is very important. If someone is basing the reason on their current financial circumstances, these can change over' time. If the reason is not wanting to be responsible for another person, that's a different story and less likely to change.

For the record, my own reason was I simply didn't want them, and there is no shame in that.

I wasn't being nosey or wanting to ridicule.

LegacyUser

moving 2016 wrote: »

My feeling is that your almost 30 and in a long realtionship. You may feel that people expect you to get married and have children. You boyfriend might like the idea of having a baby but has he experience with babies or small kids? See if you and him can mind a friends/family baby or small child. Let him see a small amout of the reality of what is involved with a baby or child.

Do you want to travel, change jobs, do you want to own a house or apartment? Do you feel that you if you get married your boyfriend/family or friends will expect you to have a child as soon as possible?
Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years time?

I know couples that were together a long time like you. Some of these spilt up as one person wanted marriage and kids and the other person did not.

Also you need to consider where you will live, if you have a child where will they go to primary and secondary school? How will you afford to put them through college?
In todays society most people are in their mid 20's before they start work due to college and in the future this be the case so you have to think over a 25 year period from when a baby is born. You also have to consider how you would both cope if you had a child with health issues, specail needs or needed extra care.

To me a child deserves to have 2 parents that want them. Not every woman out their wants kids for any number of reasons. Isn't it better that a child has a mother and father that want them rather than a mother who resents them.

In your case I would be very honest with your boyfriend about your feelings. Think long and hard is it the case you don't want a child now due to x and y but that in 3 or 4 years time both you and him will be in a better positon re work, financies or owning your own home.

Thank you all for your replies so far. I really appreciate it. This post really resonated with me. At this point in my life my OH has just finished college as a mature student so we're just beginning a life in terms of financial stability, despite the fact that we're together for over 7 years.

As a result, our lives have been "on hold" - no travelling, no trips away etc. I don't mean to sound superficial but I think that I want to enjoy a few years of just us before we think about adding children.

Also my other half doesn't have any experience with babies at all so I genuinely think he doesn't understand/think about the logistics of having a baby for life.

Another poster asked, do I want to have children with this man? The answer is I don't know. I have been to a counsellor about this recently because I really want to explore what's going on in my head.

It's also interesting to hear that some people changed their mind and some didn't. Lots of really helpful answers though. I'm very grateful for the feedback.

skallywag

Anon0123 wrote: »

I don't mean to sound superficial but I think that I want to enjoy a few years of just us before we think about adding children.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Time is still on your side, there is nothing stopping you changing your mind in a few years time. In fact most people I know who have had children in recent times have been around the mid 30s mark in any case.

witchgirl26

Anon0123 wrote: »

I don't mean to sound superficial but I think that I want to enjoy a few years of just us before we think about adding children.

OP, like the other poster said, I don't think this is superficial at all. I have felt the exact same as we live in a houseshare at the moment and I'd like a bit of time, just the two of us in the house, before we have kids. There's nothing superficial about not wanting to jump into the responsibility and commitment that a child brings without having a bit of fun yourselves first.

osarusan

Anon0123 wrote: »

I don't mean to sound superficial but I think that I want to enjoy a few years of just us before we think about adding children.

Your partner might want the 'think about' part done now though, even if the 'adding' part is still a few years away.


As you said in your OP:

The thing is, it's all come to a head because really it's decision time. We can't really just keep going with this issue hanging over us and can't really move forward in our relationship (get engaged) without reaching an agreement.

amtc

I'm pretty agnostic about children...actually if I'm honest age wise that ship has sailed. But I can pass on the experiences of two of my friends. One gas wanted children all her life but didn't meet her husband until she was 40. He's a fair bit younger and doesn't really care she is now on her 4th ivf and is an emotional wreck. I've been to her appointments with her and every time it's heart rending. She's injecting herself every day three times. And she's crying in Supervalu looking at nappies! Personally I think she should leave it. But that's what happens when you start trying at 45. My other friend who was not in the slightest maternal now has 3 in as many years and has flipped totally from someone who never wanted children.

You're not there. You say quite reasonably 'at this point in time. Life changes hugely between 30 and 35! But you also have to prepare yourself for the fact it's not an exact science.

osarusan

osarusan wrote: »

Your partner might want the 'think about' part done now though, even if the 'adding' part is still a few years away.

Agreed. There's a huge difference between:

"I want to enjoy a few years of just us before we think about adding children"

and

"I want to enjoy a few years of just us before adding children"

Cee-Jay-Cee

You don't want children and that is perfectly acceptable. I think the person that needs to be making any decision on your future is your boyfriend. You obviously are happy to remain with him and love him and are happy without children so you know exactly what you want.

Your boyfriend needs to make the decision on your future, not you. Can he stay with you knowing he may never have any children? Will he resent you for it in the future? Does he want to end the relationship and hope that he finds someone else, start a relationship with them, hope that it develops to a point where both sides want more (i.e. Marriage) and the other person wants children too?

He has to consider the possibility that he could end up alone with no partner and no children more easily than ending up married with children.

I think He has more thinking to do than you have. I think this needs to be his decision and his only. If your relationship ends he has to end it.

silverharp

Cee-Jay-Cee wrote: »

He has to consider the possibility that he could end up alone with no partner and no children more easily than ending up married with children.

I dont understand your point, the opposite is true surely assuming he is around the age of the OP?. As things stand his best change of having a marriage and kids is to end this relationship and move on if the OP stays on her current course. I cant see what particular difficulty he would have going forward, he is still young as these things go.

Cee-Jay-Cee wrote: »

I think He has more thinking to do than you have. I think this needs to be his decision and his only. If your relationship ends he has to end it.

in a way it would be easier to advise her boyfriend but I would say he doesn't have that much thinking to do , its more about how quickly does he want to take charge and make a decision in line with his not unreasonable expectations while giving time to his girlfriend to think things through on her side.

LegacyUser

Anon0123 wrote: »

Hi All,

Going anon for this as my other half is a boardsie.

I have been in a loving relationship for 7 years with my other half. All going well and no major issues. I turned 29 this year and for the last while (I'd say 6+ months) I've started to feel very unsure about whether I want children. Up until this point I always coasted along thinking I did want children but didn't really give it much thought to be honest.

I think the reason why it's come up is that my OH and I have been talking seriously about engagement, marriage and our future. The thing is, he's probably 80-90% sure he wants children and I'm 80-90% sure I don't want children at this point in life.

Since I started having doubts about children, I've been very open and honest with him and we've communicated regularly about it together. The thing is, it's all come to a head because really it's decision time. We can't really just keep going with this issue hanging over us and can't really move forward in our relationship (get engaged) without reaching an agreement. I'm completely devastated because we're considering ending a long term committed loving relationship that it otherwise happy, strong and healthy because we can't reach a hypothetical agreement on children.

I'm feeling so confused right now but the one thing I do know is that I can't compromise on this issue. I feel it would be really selfish of me to bring children into the world without feeling like I really want them. Equally I know no children could be a deal breaker for him so we're stuck.

So that's where we are - going back and forth over it. My questions really are, has anyone else been in this position? What happened? Are my doubts/feelings normal? Did anyone initially not want children and then change their mind? Some impartial advice is much appreciated.

Thanks!

Hi OP.

I was in a very similar position to you when I was in my late 30s. After a number of failed relationships, I was sure at 38 that I would not have any kids and resigned myself to this fact. Where I come from, many attractive women in their 30s are single and childless.

In early August 2014, I came to Ireland to stay with a family whom I had known for a few years. I only stayed for 3 weeks but it was the biggest 3 weeks of my life. I met a man, a friend of the family and we hit it off. To make a long story short, a few weeks after I had gone back home, I realised that I was pregnant and nine months later I had a beautiful baby boy. I tried to make contact with the father of the child but he was not interested. He had left Ireland and gone back to his own country. In my own country things were awkward because well the father of my child came from an African country and things felt a bit uncomfortable. So, I came back to Ireland and fast forward a year later my son is the joy of my life. Do I regret having him? No. He has made me feel younger. My only regret is my son not ever knowing his biological father. However since then I have met another man and we will get married this summer.