"Nothing between us" some advice or interpretation please

unreg13

So I recently took a plunge and got with my OH
We had been texting and meeting up a little before deciding we'd make a go of it and actually be in a relationship, I've been single just over a year and my ex was only a few months.

Everything started as expected seeing each other as often as possible and I could feel it was going somewhere; holiday plans, meeting families etc. cut forward to an enforced break due to work (less than 2 weeks) and they come back having been a little distant. Spent the day after their return together only to receive a message to say that they "don't want to hurt me but can't see this going anywhere, there's just nothing between us" the usual shock and questions ensue and various answers are given - ok

What I can't understand is that they have kept texting almost non stop since, and have even admitted still being attracted to me and liking me,
I'm finding this just a little difficult to decipher and any help is welcomed in understanding just what it is they are after?

Aspadeaspade

It sounds like things just simply fizzled out for him but he wants to keep you there just in case. If I were you I would just move on OP. It might sting a bit for a few weeks but you'll swiftly move on and wonder what you ever saw in them..

njs030

Being brutally honest op it sounds like they are after a friends with benefits scenario.
It's been made very clear you aren't going to be in a relationship, the time apart probably give them time to think it over and spending the day together reinforced it.
It sounds like they do like you but not enough for a relationship, you will end up hurt if it continues.

Walk away before your head is wrecked any more.

bmwguy

[Mod snip - off topic]

But this other person, whether male or female, sounds like a headwrecker. Either interested or not, can't say not interested then keep texting.

Teyla Emmagan

bmwguy wrote:

Mod snipped.

Does it matter?

Time to cut ties OP, you are being strung along for the ride (literally).

Hannibal_Smith

It means that they want to finish things but are too chicken s**t to cut ties. So they backed off, gave you a swift kick and then tried to reel you back in out of guilt.

In other words, a total headwreck. They made their choice. If they (and for me it doesn't matter what gender either of you are), believe there is nothing between you then what can you do? Do you want/can you be friends with this person?

I would go back and say, you've said theres nothing between us, therefore the relationship is at an end. If a friendship is possible fine, but they back off with the amount of texting and certainly cut out the other bulls**t.

To be honest though I think I'd just give them their cards and say farewell.

batmanrobin

I would say they are possibly stringing you along. They know how you feel about them, so they know they have all the power. They'll message you, they'll tell you they still like you etc, knowing full well it is going to mess with your head, as it would anyone! They're not being very fair or very kind to you.

Are you happy to be friends? Or possibly friends with benefits - I'd argue their pointing out that they are still attracted to you could link to this, if you do have sex they can absolve themselves of any guilt as they've already told you they don't want a relationship. Or they want the entertainment/ego boost of contact with you until they get back with their ex and/or meet someone else.

You need to protect yourself here. You're the only one who will get hurt. I would just block them on everything and move on with your life. I wouldn't even message them as they may well suck you back in. Think of it it this way, you owe them nothing. Not one thing. They are the ones who ended it. Block them and let them figure out from that, that they're behaviour is not right.

It is possible, given they are only a few months broken up, that they are not over their ex and you were just a rebound.

You need to be the one who severs ties completely, they won't. Not as long as they think they have some hold over you.

Big Bag of Chips

"He's/She's just not that into you."

You know you have the right to put a stop to them contacting you if it's not working for you. It doesn't have to be all on their terms. They don't like you enough to continue a relationship with you. But they keep contacting you to string you along, maybe keep you on standby, maybe to ease their own guilt at ending it.

If you're not in a relationship with someone, and you think there is "nothing between us", then you don't send a person texts telling them you are still attracted to them. That's just being a headwreck, for any of the reasons above.

This, whatever it is, isn't working for you anymore, so you are entitled to put a stop to it. Because I can 100% guarantee you, once they meet someone that there IS something between them, you will be dropped without a backwards glance. They don't want to be in a relationship with you. That's all you need to know. If being in contact with them is holding you back from moving on, then you end contact. You don't owe them a friendship or constant contact. You don't owe them an ear to ease their conscience, or have you waiting on the wings.

Ursus Horribilis

Someone here once wrote "Never make a priority of someone who makes you an option" and it's so very true. This relationship is over but your ex is keeping you on the back burner for now. It's not a fair thing to do to you but I doubt they're too worried about what you're thinking about all of this.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation before. He had met my daughter and we had talked about the future - living together, getting married (a conversation he instigated by the way).

Then out of the blue he told me by text that he didn't know what he wanted anymore and if he wanted to be with me at all. I was devastated but in hindsight I should have cut him loose then. But I didn't. I took him back when he said he had been stressed at work and that he did want everything he had said. This scenario repeated itself over and over for the next year, and each time I listened to his promises that he really did want me.

What I didn't know was that he was cheating on me and after I finally had enough and ended it he plastered their relationship all over facebook.

Anyway, I'm not saying your guy is cheating but when he says there is nothing between you, you need to listen to him and not let all the other distractions such as he's attracted to you keep you dangling and hoping. I would think that while maybe he hasn't met someone else he might have his eye on someone and is keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't go the way he hopes.

Cut him loose - you deserve so much better than someone who keeps you around as a plan b. Don't waste anymore time on him.

Chloedancer

I was in a similar situation before. Everything was going well. He had met my child. We discussed a future - living together, getting married (conversations he always instigated btw). Then one day out of the blue he texted me that he didn't know what he wanted anymore or if he even wanted to be together. I was devastated.

In hindsight I should have cut him loose there and then but when he said it was the stress of work wrecking his head I took him back. And he did the same thing again and again over the next year and each time I took him back.

When I eventually had enough and finished it I found out that he had been cheating and as soon as it was over between us he plastered his "new" relationship all over Facebook.

I'm not saying your OH is cheating but it's a possibility. It also could be that she/he has their eye on someone else and wants to keep you on the back burner in case it doesnt come to anything. Even if they're not looking elsewhere you need to listen when they say there is nothing between you. They're telling you out straight. Don't let them distract you with talk of attraction and use your hope to keep you dangling.

You deserve much better than someone who is keeping you as a plan b. Dont waste anymore time on them.

unreg13

Thanks for all the replies everyone,
My now ex has said that they don't want a relationship any time soon, that we just rushed into things and the timing was just wrong, it's a bit of a blow considering they were the first person I managed to open up to since the last breakup and genuinely thought it could go somewhere,

I really just can't get my head around the fact that they've been in contact every day since but as some of you said it's probably just going to drive me mad and cause me to dwell on it.

Just for clarity and an unrelated side note; the ex is a girl!!

Ursus Horribilis

Best thing for your sanity is to block he/she/it's number and let them off to do their own thing. I don't necessarily buy that timing yarn either. If you were what he/she/it wanted, I don't think the relationship would have ended. Hopefully you'll find someone else soon.

Chloedancer

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Best thing for your sanity is to block he/she/it's number and let them off to do their own thing.

I would agree with this. They've already been messing with your head this last while with constant texts and sending you mixed signals. If it continues it will make it much more difficult for you to get over them and put them behind you. A clean break would for the best.

Sephiroth_dude

Block this time waster and chalk it down too experience and try and move on.

rainbowtrout

unreg13 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies everyone,
My now ex has said that they don't want a relationship any time soon, that we just rushed into things and the timing was just wrong, it's a bit of a blow considering they were the first person I managed to open up to since the last breakup and genuinely thought it could go somewhere,

I really just can't get my head around the fact that they've been in contact every day since but as some of you said it's probably just going to drive me mad and cause me to dwell on it.

Just for clarity and an unrelated side note; the ex is a girl!!

Yep, like everyone said, block them. That sentence up there on bold is what they are using to keep you dangling on the end of a string, to be used when they see fit. So you will think, well she said 'any time soon' so there is hope for the future. If they wanted to be with you, they would be with you, it's that simple. You are currently Option B/Back up plan/Ego boost/Friend with benefits, and by constantly texting you, they are not allowing you to forget them, and lulling you into a false sense of security by letting you think they care because they are in contact so often.

She is just looking for an ego boost, and you wanted more. You don't owe her anything. Block the number and move on.