Should I mind my own business or say something

Smiley283

** this is written from my understanding of the situation**

A friend of mine started dating a guy that she wasn't really pushed on 4 months ago. I met him and could sense there was a language barrier as he isnt fluent in english. I could sense that although there was a friendship between them but no spark. In the last few months she has had her doubts about the relationship and feels like theyre not compatable or at the same stage of life.

At one stage she was being racially insulted by someone and he looked on and laughed along side the person insulting her. She tried to talk about how hurt she was for about a week with him and they couldnt see eye to eye on the matter and she just buckled and let it go.

There are a few other small occasions where i dont feel like he was as kind as he could have been towards her. She has said that she is reluctant to break up with him because she is worried that she will always be single.

My heart sinks when I think of their relationship because I feel like she is settling and she doesn't realise how special she is and how she really deserves to be treated. (although I do know there has been good times between them).

I have always just stayed silent and supported her but I feel like telling her to walk away. Should I tell her how I feel about it or say nothing? She is in her early 30's and is terried of 'being left on the shelf'.

leggo

Be there to support her and only give your opinion when asked. If you're asked feel free to let loose, but if you push your opinion on her she'll only push you away. She has to be ready to hear it or it'll go down like a lead balloon.

fineso.mom

It's not really fair on him that your friend is with him because she is afraid to be single.

Ursus Horribilis

fineso.mom wrote: »

It's not really fair on him that your friend is with him because she is afraid to be single.

Maybe this guy, who isn't from Ireland, is using her too? It happens.

Emme

Smiley283 wrote: »

At one stage she was being racially insulted by someone and he looked on and laughed along side the person insulting her. She tried to talk about how hurt she was for about a week with him and they couldnt see eye to eye on the matter and she just buckled and let it go.

This is not acceptable. If he had been racially insulted what would she have done? She should break up with him straight away. She is better off on her own than with somebody like that.

Xterminator

HI OP

the decision is for your friend to make; as a friend you can offer relationship advice, for sure.

But if your friend for her own reasons doesn't take you advice are you going to be upset?

Smiley283

Smiley283 wrote: »

She has said that she is reluctant to break up with him because she is worried that she will always be single.

She is in her early 30's and is terried of 'being left on the shelf'.

Unfortunately it all boils down to this. If she stays with him it will be for this reason but at least she knows that.

Aside from him and their relationship, I'd have NO problem telling her to relax about this "shelf" business in her early 30s for crying out loud!!

Smiley283

Xterminator wrote: »

HI OP

the decision is for your friend to make; as a friend you can offer relationship advice, for sure.

But if your friend for her own reasons doesn't take you advice are you going to be upset?

There's another twist to this tale. She unexpectedly moved back to Ireland. She has said that the reasoning behind this is family 'stuff'. Of which I am aware.. but she didn't tell a soul she was moving home!! I haven't actually seen her face to face yet but she told me that she is still in a relationship with this guy and that she has no immediate plans to move back to that country but if she isn't happy in Ireland in a few months she will move back to his country and get a new job.

I feel like if she is doing a LDR with a guy in a different continent/ time zone she must be thinking it's very serious between them. I am probably being irrational but it's actually making me very anxious.

As the old saying goes "absence makes the heart grow fonder"..

She has taken up a BRILLIANT job opportunity in Ireland to go along with her move back, one that doesn't even compare to the other types of jobs she could get in her boyfriends country.. she is also going to pay for his flight to Ireland at the end of the summer if he cannot afford it.

It's not my life or bank account but I am worried she is going to get caught up in something terrible here.

Smiley283

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Unfortunately it all boils down to this. If she stays with him it will be for this reason but at least she knows that.

Aside from him and their relationship, I'd have NO problem telling her to relax about this "shelf" business in her early 30s for crying out loud!!

I feel terrible for saying this but she hasn't always had the highest self esteem. About a month ago they had a fight and when she was venting to me on the phone she said she feels like it is always her putting effort into date ideas and generally meeting up as he is a workaholic, he is a professional and has set up his own marketing website on the side so he puts before her. She also said that her gut told her that they were two very different people, but then questioned on whether or not opposites attract? When I met him I made a joke about her being lazy and he just looked at me wide eyed and said "oh my god, you see that she is lazy too?" Whilst nudging my friend, "see i told you that you are too lazy" maybe i am overreacting but my blood boiled!! She likes watching netflix after work for god sake! Hardly a crime..

Emme

Smiley283 wrote: »

I feel terrible for saying this but she hasn't always had the highest self esteem. About a month ago they had a fight and when she was venting to me on the phone she said she feels like it is always her putting effort into date ideas and generally meeting up as he is a workaholic, he is a professional and has set up his own marketing website on the side so he puts before her. She also said that her gut told her that they were two very different people, but then questioned on whether or not opposites attract? When I met him I made a joke about her being lazy and he just looked at me wide eyed and said "oh my god, you see that she is lazy too?" Whilst nudging my friend, "see i told you that you are too lazy" maybe i am overreacting but my blood boiled!! She likes watching netflix after work for god sake! Hardly a crime..

OP people are telling you to mind your own business but I think you should say something. If your friend can see that they are both different people she might be open to advice. I understand that one parter in a couple can be more laid back than the other. However he laughed along with the person who racially abused your friend and that is red flag for an abusive relationship.

Why is your friend going to pay for her boyfriend's flight over to Ireland? Can he not pay for it himself or is he spending the money on more "important" things? I have a feeling that seeing this relationship is like watching a car crash in slow motion. He seems happy to make fun of her yet use her as a sort of cash cow. Maybe he wants to get a visa for Ireland and is using your friend.

It's all very well standing back and minding your own business but if you think your friend is in danger or making a serious mistake continuing with this relationship you should definitely give her advice. Advise her to get out and see people while she is in Ireland. If she hasn't many contacts here she could join Meetup and do some activities. It might reassure her that she is not on the shelf and help her see that she doesn't have to accept bad treatment from this man.

Smiley283

Emme wrote: »

OP people are telling you to mind your own business but I think you should say something. If your friend can see that they are both different people she might be open to advice. I understand that one parter in a couple can be more laid back than the other. However he laughed along with the person who racially abused your friend and that is red flag for an abusive relationship.

Why is your friend going to pay for her boyfriend's flight over to Ireland? Can he not pay for it himself or is he spending the money on more "important" things? I have a feeling that seeing this relationship is like watching a car crash in slow motion. He seems happy to make fun of her yet use her as a sort of cash cow. Maybe he wants to get a visa for Ireland and is using your friend.

It's all very well standing back and minding your own business but if you think your friend is in danger or making a serious mistake continuing with this relationship you should definitely give her advice. Advise her to get out and see people while she is in Ireland. If she hasn't many contacts here she could join Meetup and do some activities. It might reassure her that she is not on the shelf and help her see that she doesn't have to accept bad treatment from this man.

Thank you for your advice! Whilst in his home country he is the type of person that will pay for absolutely everything (it is the social norm and expected of him to do so) i hate to talk money but she told me that when converted he would make 250 dollars a week. How much he spends on rent/ living I wouldn't ask. I am also unaware if he has student loans to pay off as he has a masters degree and spent years studying. I also think that he might financially support his elderly father. I am not sure of this as this is not my business but I can only speculate what he spends his money on.

Hoboo

Smiley283 wrote: »

Thank you for your advice! Whilst in his home country he is the type of person that will pay for absolutely everything (it is the social norm and expected of him to do so) i hate to talk money but she told me that when converted he would make 250 dollars a week. How much he spends on rent/ living I wouldn't ask. I am also unaware if he has student loans to pay off as he has a masters degree and spent years studying. I also think that he might financially support his elderly father. I am not sure of this as this is not my business but I can only speculate what he spends his money on.

I love facts.

Smiley283

Hoboo wrote: »

I love facts.

As do I Hoboo. I was attempting to look at every logical (in a positive manner) possibilities so that any advice given to me as to handle this delicate situation without jumping to conclusions such as that he is using her for a visa/ taking money off her.

I most definitely do not want to jump the gun and run the risk of her feeling like she cannot share her feelings with me in the future.

GingerLily

You could lose new her confidence, you could lose her as a friend, and then she won't have high to turn to of she need's a friend to tall to.

My advice, don't involve yourself with her relationship unless your prepared for her to choose him over you......

LegacyUser

I don't think you should bother saying anything. I've had friends that beg for advice and then do the complete opposite of what you said. This can go on for years until one day they have a light bulb moment! My own best friend wasted hours of my life talking and analysing her relationship for 2 years. No matter what I told her she just went ahead and did her own thing. Until she eventually broke up with the guy who was very bad for her.

You are wasting your time. By all means if she ever asks your opinion on her fella, you should be honest. But don't bother reiterating over and over again. She will do what she wants to do until she cops on to herself and sees he's not her knight in shining armour.

LegacyUser

The truth is you need to tell her what you have noticed about him. From what you have told us he does not sound like a nice man. Along with this he could be supporting some of his family in the country he is from.

Now that she is back in Ireland, I would meet up with her and get her involved with some new people/groups. Let her realise that she now has a good job, has a lot to offer the right man and that she is not on the shelf at 30. Let her family know what is going on with him and tell them if she is paying for his flight here/sorting out a visa ect.

I will give you my own story of where a friend of mine spoke up to me.

I know this man who I will call John for a long time. One night John and I got together. I wanted a proper realtionship with him but he did not want this. He was quite happy to string me along and lied to me a few times. I gave him some advice and refused to act on it.
One of my freinds could see that he was wrong for me in so many ways and she told me this. In fact she said to me he is sleeping with all sorts of woman and it would only be a matter of time before he was in serious trouble in realtion to x, y or z.

I realised what she said was true and I am being honest with was not easy to listen to.
I heard a few things about John recently. He now has 2 kids with 2 different woman. His health is not good. He is bad mouthing people we both know. I have also heard that he could be in financial trouble.
When I told my freind this I said thanks for warning me to stay well away from him.

Hoboo

Smiley283 wrote: »

Hoboo wrote: »

I love facts.

As do I Hoboo. I was attempting to look at every logical (in a positive manner) possibilities so that any advice given to me as to handle this delicate situation without jumping to conclusions such as that he is using her for a visa/ taking money off her.

I most definitely do not want to jump the gun and run the risk of her feeling like she cannot share her feelings with me in the future.

But you're clearly jumping to multiple conclusions. With very little if any fact.