Messed Up My Life - Lost job, girlfriend and going to prison

LegacyUser

I don't know if anybody can help but thought I would post anyway.

The last year everything has just gone wrong for me and at the moment I don't know what to do. Most of my problems are probably down to drink and what I can get like when I've been drinking and not knowing when to stop. I don't drink all the time but it has got me into serious trouble when I have. I've missed work after a major session and that caused me to lose the last job I was in but there were other reasons too.

I've been arrested for things I have done and am on a suspended prison sentence but have now been charged again with another assault so I am sure that my sentence will be activated and maybe given more for the new offence. I don't know how I will cope in prison. It scares me but I know I have brought it all on my self.

When I got the suspended sentence I really tried to change and promised my girlfriend and family that I would. I got last chances but now that I have been charged again my girlfriend dumped me and I am not really speaking with my family.

It will be a while before all this is sorted through court and I have no idea what to do over that time. I have really cut down on drinking but can't get motivated to do anything and am not working. I just feel like a failure for letting people down and acting the way I did and the damage I done.

I did OK when I was at school and went to college and had an OK job but have ruined all that now. I don't really know what to do and how to deal with what's happening. If anybody has any advice I would definitely listen.

LegacyUser

Drink has done this and you decide to cut down? Quit! Not cut down.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to do more than "cut down on drinking". You need to stop drinking. Totally. You can't handle it. Being charged with "another" assault? You know most people are capable of going through their lives without being charged with ANY assault.

Who knows what's going to happen now? Maybe you will go to jail, maybe you'll get another chance. But what you should be doing as a matter of priority is getting yourself to your GP to get a referral to the psychiatric services. You need help with your drinking. You need help with your inability to control your drinking and your behaviour. You need support and possibly medication to assist you in stopping drinking.

I don't blame your gf or your family. There's only so many chances you'll give someone who continually lies to you, and themselves. There's only so many times you'll cry over someone. For now you need to leave your family and gf be. You need to learn the consequences of your actions and to realise that those consequences include losing the people you claimed to love the most. If any one of them came back to you now you'd have learned nothing. You'd be "back to normal" in no time, breaking their hearts again.

Sort yourself out. Properly. And don't attempt to contact any of them until you are a good way down the road of getting your sht together. If they contact you, count your lucky stars that someone is taking pity on you and feeling responsible for you.

Sort yourself out. At least start sorting yourself out. It will do you good in the long run, and might even work in your favour in front of a lenient judge on a good day.

Airyfairy12

Stop drinking

njs030

Was your suspended sentence for assault by any chance? If so then yes of course it will be activated.
Get a solicitor, give up drink, stop making excuses and turn your life around so they have something to defend you with.

Be someone to be proud of, nothing has "just happened" to you it's all been in your hands and it's in your hands now.
Start today.

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

Was your suspended sentence for assault by any chance? If so then yes of course it will be activated.
Get a solicitor, give up drink, stop making excuses and turn your life around so they have something to defend you with.

Be someone to be proud of, nothing has "just happened" to you it's all been in your hands and it's in your hands now.
Start today.

Yes the suspended sentence was for Section 3 Assault and that's what I'm being charged with again.

Fakediamond

Anon84 wrote: »

Most of my problems are probably down to drink and what I can get like when I've been drinking and not knowing when to stop. I don't drink all the time .

I'd call this serious denial and minimisation. There's no "probably" about it, drink is definitely ruining your life, work and relationships. Just because you don't drink every day, doesn't mean you're not a problematic drinker, your whole post is testament to that.

Get help and stop drinking.

Sound Bite

In my experience, the people who love you don't tend to cut people off until they have reached breaking point. They probably have given you so many changes and you've let them now. They aren't going to enable you any longer.

You clearly have a massive drink problem and you are at the stage that you have a serious choice - keep doing what you are doing & end up with nothing or turn your life around. Go to a doctor and get a referral to an alcohol treatment centre. I don't know anyone who became an alcoholic because they like drink....there's always an underlying issue and until you address that you can't control the drinking.

Won't be easy but it will be worth it.

zoobizoo

Successful people have made it with similar backgrounds to yourself.

Get help with the alcohol - first step would be to approach the AA. If anything, it would be good to show the judge.


What is your motivation to drink? Boredom? Friends? Habit?

Cupcake_Crisis

Just like everyone else has said, it's not good enough to cut down on drinking. It clearly doesn't agree with you and has gotten you into a entire mess off trouble. You need to cut it from your life altogether.

If I was your girlfriend or family member and you told me after all this that you were "cutting down" on drink it'd mean nothing to me
But if you told me you were putting actual effort into quitting it'd make it much easier to help you.

.......

This post has been deleted.

M5

Fair play to you for somewhat taking the initiative and speaking about them. Sounds like you are two different people and the change occurs when drinking. You are lucky that you are rational enough to take that step.and realise that your behaviour is unacceptable.

Stop drinking today, consult with gp as others have said. If you shape up, stick with it and show genuine remorse that will be taken into consideration.

You may have some underlying problem that is being aggravated by alcohol also. Definitely worth exploring.

Best of luck with your recovery

99problems

Have you tried maybe not being a low life ?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice - it does make sense. I am going to go to my GP and see what he says next week. I haven't been to see him for years but maybe he can help. I know I need to change but maybe I'm too late already.

I used to be involved in my local GAA club but not that much lately. I do go to the gym and it makes me feel better when I go but I have alot of time just sitting around not doing much. I've started smoking again but don't do any other drugs. The thing with drinking is that I know people who drink more than me but don't get into trouble like I do but I will try and stop drinking but it's hard when everybody I know drinks.

I have a 10 year old son who I see every other weekend and I was with him today. He was strange with me today and then asked me was I a bad man. He was asking me about why I was going to prison as his mother, my ex, had told him that I would be away for a while. I wanted to tell him myself. It was one of the hardest talks I ever had. It felt like I was the kid and he was the adult even though I'm 32. I felt so bad for making him upset.

Lady is a tramp

If I were you, I'd be getting in touch with alcohol treatment centres to see what your options are.

All judges will be aware of the main treatment centres, and may even offer you the option of completing a program in one of these rather than going to jail. However, if you are pro-active and get yourself admitted now, before the court date actually arrives, it'll really go in your favour in terms of sentencing (particularly if you can prove continued sobriety, and continued attendance at Aftercare and counselling etc, on completion of the program.)

I'm not saying to look into doing a program just so that it'll look favourable in court, by the way. It really sounds like you need to do one, and at this stage - having lost your job and your girlfriend anyways - what else are you going to be doing at this particular time in your life, other than continuing in this downward spiral and getting yourself into an even more hopeless position?

I have experience of many alcohol treatment centres, public and private, my own recommendation is that you get in touch with Cuan Mhuire. They have facilities in Athy, Galway, Limerick, Newry, and Cork (women only); my own recommendation would be Athy. Ring and ask to speak to the Admissions officer, explain your situation, and look for a bed as soon as one is available. You will usually be asked to ring back every single day to confirm your continued interest - make sure you do this, or else your name will slip down the list.

Having problems with alcohol does not make you a bad person, and believe me, you won't be dealt with that way in any of these treatment centres. You will be treated with respect, compassion, and understanding, and you will meet so many people in similar positions to you who have lost all you have lost and more. And you will come to understand yourself a lot better, and like yourself a lot more too ... you will be a different person coming out the other side.

Trust me, it's a far better alternative to prison. In your current position, you don't have much to lose. And you deserve so much better than the hell you're currently in (and it IS hell - I do understand that, I've been there and am so glad to be out the other side of it.)

Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

If I were you, I'd be getting in touch with alcohol treatment centres to see what your options are.

All judges will be aware of the main treatment centres, and may even offer you the option of completing a program in one of these rather than going to jail. However, if you are pro-active and get yourself admitted now, before the court date actually arrives, it'll really go in your favour in terms of sentencing (particularly if you can prove continued sobriety, and continued attendance at Aftercare and counselling etc, on completion of the program.)

I'm not saying to look into doing a program just so that it'll look favourable in court, by the way. It really sounds like you need to do one, and at this stage - having lost your job and your girlfriend anyways - what else are you going to be doing at this particular time in your life, other than continuing in this downward spiral and getting yourself into an even more hopeless position?

I have experience of many alcohol treatment centres, public and private, my own recommendation is that you get in touch with Cuan Mhuire. They have facilities in Athy, Galway, Limerick, Newry, and Cork (women only); my own recommendation would be Athy. Ring and ask to speak to the Admissions officer, explain your situation, and look for a bed as soon as one is available. You will usually be asked to ring back every single day to confirm your continued interest - make sure you do this, or else your name will slip down the list.

Having problems with alcohol does not make you a bad person, and believe me, you won't be dealt with that way in any of these treatment centres. You will be treated with respect, compassion, and understanding, and you will meet so many people in similar positions to you who have lost all you have lost and more. And you will come to understand yourself a lot better, and like yourself a lot more too ... you will be a different person coming out the other side.

Trust me, it's a far better alternative to prison. In your current position, you don't have much to lose. And you deserve so much better than the hell you're currently in (and it IS hell - I do understand that, I've been there and am so glad to be out the other side of it.)

Best of luck with it.

I looked up Cuan Mhuire and the main website is down I will contact them on Tuesday and see what they say. Is it very religious - from what I read it seems it is?

You're right though I can't really see myself doing anything productive the way things are so it would make sense to get treatment and if I meant doing that instead of prison it would be great. Anything got to be better than prison. If I got in and was having treatment what would happen to my court case? Would they delay it or would I have to still go?

Wompa1

You have an alcohol problem. Even if you don't drink every day it's having a serious negative effect on your life. You need to quit drinking. Unfortunately, you can't drink, it's just not for you but now you know that so you have an opportunity to improve yourself by quitting.

If you can't socialize without alcohol, you should likely find other social circles. If your friends won't understand after all you've been through then they aren't really your friends.

Cupcake_Crisis

Anon84 wrote: »

I looked up Cuan Mhuire and the main website is down I will contact them on Tuesday and see what they say. Is it very religious - from what I read it seems it is?

You're right though I can't really see myself doing anything productive the way things are so it would make sense to get treatment and if I meant doing that instead of prison it would be great. Anything got to be better than prison. If I got in and was having treatment what would happen to my court case? Would they delay it or would I have to still go?

Cuan Mhuire is quite religious, but don't let that deter you. It'll give you a bit of structure and an insight into why alcohol affects you the way it does.

Lady is a tramp

Anon84 wrote: »

I looked up Cuan Mhuire and the main website is down I will contact them on Tuesday and see what they say. Is it very religious - from what I read it seems it is?

You're right though I can't really see myself doing anything productive the way things are so it would make sense to get treatment and if I meant doing that instead of prison it would be great. Anything got to be better than prison. If I got in and was having treatment what would happen to my court case? Would they delay it or would I have to still go?

I think the website has been down for the past year so it's unlikely to be up again any time soon!

Re. the court case - they will help you deal with that. Most likely outcome is that it would be adjourned until after the program is finished. This happens all of the time, and before you're admitted you'll be asked whether there are any pending charges against you. All of that will be addressed.

Re. the religious aspect - this was a major deterrent for me. I fought and fought against going there, saying that as I was an atheist, there was no way that a program based on and structured around religion could work for me. As it happened, the religious stuff really didn't matter at all - it's as much of a barrier to recovery as you allow it to be. Yes, there is a lot of religious activity in the daily routine, and you are absolutely expected to go along with it - i.e. two daily meditations, one daily mass, one daily rosary. However, while your attendance is mandatory for these things, no one is going to tell you what to believe. I didn't feel at all pressurised into changing my beliefs. I was challenged to explore my spirituality, and this is something that has really helped me become more comfortable with myself. However I'm no more Catholic now than I was when going into Cuan Mhuire, and the staff there (including the nuns and priest) never had ANY problem with that. There were plenty of atheists/agnostics there when I was there, as well as some members of other Christian and non-Christian religions. It's no big deal. Actually, if this is an issue with you, I'd suggest that you look for a meeting with the priest within your first couple of weeks there. He's very open to meeting with residents one-to-one, and he is absolutely amazing, a recovering alcoholic himself and extremely down-to-earth and understanding. He helped me a lot with understanding that I didn't need to people-please or pay lip-service to a religion I didn't believe in, in order to make the program work for me.

It's a twelve-week program. The first two weeks are spent in de-tox (even if you haven't been drinking up until admission, you will need these two weeks anyways just to get used to the place and meet your new group members, etc. If you've been drinking, it's a supervised medical de-tox on Librium.) The next ten weeks, you spend in the same group of usually 8-12 residents. Daily routine is quite busy, you're up at 6am, breakfast, meditation, group therapy, then working for a few hours (nothing too hardcore, plenty of breaks, it's nothing awful!) Then lunch, more work, more meditation, mass, dinner, more group therapy, rosary, some free time, bed. Visitors at weekends. Phone calls were every evening when I was there, not sure if they've tightened up on that, they were always threatening to! It's on a public pay phone, no mobiles or internet (and they're strict about that.) There is one-to-one counselling too, and it's a very holistic program, the idea is that you deal with all issues with your family and childhood and past etc - not just directly with the issues that relate directly to alcoholism. Oh and there's three AA meetings a week. And there's a gym there. You'll likely be sharing a bedroom with several others to begin with, but there are triple/double/single rooms you'll be likely to be moved into when you've been there a few weeks. Food is basic but absolutely grand, you won't starve there anyways, massive portions! There is a coffee bar, shop, etc. It costs €140 a week by the way, usually taken out of your social welfare payment if you've no other income. (If you're not currently on social welfare, they have an office there to liaise with the SW people and help get it set up, so don't let that put you off.)

Hope some of the above helps, I know that it's horrible going to a place and not knowing what to expect. Feel free to ask any other questions about the place.

Sound Bite

Anon84 wrote: »

You're right though I can't really see myself doing anything productive the way things are so it would make sense to get treatment and if I meant doing that instead of prison it would be great. Anything got to be better than prison. If I got in and was having treatment what would happen to my court case? Would they delay it or would I have to still go?

If you are going seeking treatment to avoid prison, then you might as well not be doing it. You have to accept you are an alcoholic before you do anything else. Your poor son, surely you want more for him that having a voilent drunk as a father.

infogiver

Anon84 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice - it does make sense. I am going to go to my GP and see what he says next week. I haven't been to see him for years but maybe he can help. I know I need to change but maybe I'm too late already.

I used to be involved in my local GAA club but not that much lately. I do go to the gym and it makes me feel better when I go but I have alot of time just sitting around not doing much. I've started smoking again but don't do any other drugs. The thing with drinking is that I know people who drink more than me but don't get into trouble like I do but I will try and stop drinking but it's hard when everybody I know drinks.

I have a 10 year old son who I see every other weekend and I was with him today. He was strange with me today and then asked me was I a bad man. He was asking me about why I was going to prison as his mother, my ex, had told him that I would be away for a while. I wanted to tell him myself. It was one of the hardest talks I ever had. It felt like I was the kid and he was the adult even though I'm 32. I felt so bad for making him upset.

Your only 32. Your still so young. You've got time to turn this whole thing around.
You definitely need to see your GP asap because you need to address your drinking and the reasons you drink.
Your son loves you very much and he wants to have you in his life.
Soon he'll be a teenager and you don't want him to be going through everything and you in prison or jobless and homeless and living in a hostel.
You want to be having him for the weekend in your own place ordering takeaway food with money that you earned. Don't you?
You are the only one who can fix this but it can be fixed you just have to ask for help

rondog

I could have written the above only I was much younger,in my teens and had been through a lot of trouble.I ,like yourself, tried to keep up with my mates drinking.I was a light weight and while they were guzzling double vodkas and red bull I was trying to keep up and ended up in awful states.I was in many fights,woke up in gardens at 8am not knowing what happened or how I got there.I got done for assault and got off with a fine as I was young and in college.Next time i got caught,i got a suspended sentence like yourself.Third time i ended up in prison  and that taught me a BIG lesson.I was in there with junkies and people who just didn't care about life and would be involved in stabbings and beatings withno intention of ever getting out of prison.It was a big wake up call and really snapped me out of what I was doing.I saw a lad attempt suicide (hanging )in his cell and remember standing there thinking WTF am I doing with my life.
I got out,and never looked back.I completed college and got my life on track and am doing very good now.OP-if you see your mother visiting you in prison and crying her eyes out wondering what she did wrong or not being able to hug your 3 year old niece in a visiting room and her crying asking why she cant touch or hug uncle.....it will destroy you.....I can only imagine what it will be like for your son.
I didn't give up drink as I didn't have the advice that peoplehere are giving,i just realised I couldn't drink spirits or shots.I only ever drink bottles of beer and never get drunk andhave done for over 10 years now andnever hd trouble.this was my case but obviously not yours,you need help and should get some as advised.
I tell you the above in the hope that you don't have to go thru what I did and see things I saw.Get help for your son and most of all yourself.The route you are going down leads to a very bad place.

pilly

OP, it really doesn't matter who around you drinks what. You have to ask the question "is drink affecting my life?" and the answer in your case is "yes it is very badly".

I agree with others, this cutting down on drink won't cut it. If you've in the past committed 2 assaults whilst drunk then you can't control your drinking so it has to stop altogether.

Best of luck with it. Just remember you are still young enough to turn this around.

Paddy Cow

Op I'm saying this to you with the best of intentions, so I hope you can take it. You say that you have messed up YOUR life by losing your job, girlfriend and face going to prison for assault, not once but twice. Ya it sucks and you are in a bad place but that is because of your bad decisions. You are educated and had a good job. Have you thought about all the people who are affected because of your decisions? There's the two people that you assaulted, who may have had their lives affected by that. As bad as that is, they are only strangers (or maybe not, you didn't elaborate and we don't need to know the details).

What about your family and son? I have personal experience of a family member who made everyone's lives hell until it got to the point where they had to be distanced from and I can tell you it is not easy. You know the person is behaving in a destructive mannor and they cannot be enabled anymore but it doesn't lesson the guilt of "turning your back" on them. Whatever about your parents/siblings/ex, they are all adults but this will have a huge impact on your son.

The one thing I know about family and it has been said in previous posts, they can be very forgiving if they know you are making the effort are willing to acknowledge the problem and change. Cutting down the drink is not enough. You need to cut it out. Same with the smoking. If you were off the drink for even a month you would be surprised with the difference in your physical and mental well being.

Only you can change your circumstances. The judge might take pity on you and sentence you to rehab but unless you want to be there, you will be in the same situation a year from now. You have to decide what you want. If that's a good relationship with your family and son, then YOU need to be willing to put in the hard work. That means quitting the drink and showing that you have changed. It will probably take a long time for your loved ones to know that you really mean it but can you blame them? You've let them and yourself down and to protect themselves from your behaviour they've had to build walls.

You can come back from this but it will take time and perseverance. Don't be surprised or give up if your family don't believe you to start with. You have hurt them an awful lot and you have even more making up to do. You cannot respect yourself right now with the choices you are making. Once you start making better choices, your self respect and self esteem will raise and this will help you mend bridges with your family, as you will probably respect them more.

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

You have an alcohol problem. Even if you don't drink every day it's having a serious negative effect on your life. You need to quit drinking. Unfortunately, you can't drink, it's just not for you but now you know that so you have an opportunity to improve yourself by quitting.

If you can't socialize without alcohol, you should likely find other social circles. If your friends won't understand after all you've been through then they aren't really your friends.

Ii know I have a drink problem. But I haven't gone out or had a drink this weekend and that I think is good. I am living with my brother - the only family member who I am still close to. i have some good friends but they're not really the type that I would talk to about all this so it is a help being able to talk about this with people I don't know.

LegacyUser

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

I think the website has been down for the past year so it's unlikely to be up again any time soon!

Re. the court case - they will help you deal with that. Most likely outcome is that it would be adjourned until after the program is finished. This happens all of the time, and before you're admitted you'll be asked whether there are any pending charges against you. All of that will be addressed.

Re. the religious aspect - this was a major deterrent for me. I fought and fought against going there, saying that as I was an atheist, there was no way that a program based on and structured around religion could work for me. As it happened, the religious stuff really didn't matter at all - it's as much of a barrier to recovery as you allow it to be. Yes, there is a lot of religious activity in the daily routine, and you are absolutely expected to go along with it - i.e. two daily meditations, one daily mass, one daily rosary. However, while your attendance is mandatory for these things, no one is going to tell you what to believe. I didn't feel at all pressurised into changing my beliefs. I was challenged to explore my spirituality, and this is something that has really helped me become more comfortable with myself. However I'm no more Catholic now than I was when going into Cuan Mhuire, and the staff there (including the nuns and priest) never had ANY problem with that. There were plenty of atheists/agnostics there when I was there, as well as some members of other Christian and non-Christian religions. It's no big deal. Actually, if this is an issue with you, I'd suggest that you look for a meeting with the priest within your first couple of weeks there. He's very open to meeting with residents one-to-one, and he is absolutely amazing, a recovering alcoholic himself and extremely down-to-earth and understanding. He helped me a lot with understanding that I didn't need to people-please or pay lip-service to a religion I didn't believe in, in order to make the program work for me.

It's a twelve-week program. The first two weeks are spent in de-tox (even if you haven't been drinking up until admission, you will need these two weeks anyways just to get used to the place and meet your new group members, etc. If you've been drinking, it's a supervised medical de-tox on Librium.) The next ten weeks, you spend in the same group of usually 8-12 residents. Daily routine is quite busy, you're up at 6am, breakfast, meditation, group therapy, then working for a few hours (nothing too hardcore, plenty of breaks, it's nothing awful!) Then lunch, more work, more meditation, mass, dinner, more group therapy, rosary, some free time, bed. Visitors at weekends. Phone calls were every evening when I was there, not sure if they've tightened up on that, they were always threatening to! It's on a public pay phone, no mobiles or internet (and they're strict about that.) There is one-to-one counselling too, and it's a very holistic program, the idea is that you deal with all issues with your family and childhood and past etc - not just directly with the issues that relate directly to alcoholism. Oh and there's three AA meetings a week. And there's a gym there. You'll likely be sharing a bedroom with several others to begin with, but there are triple/double/single rooms you'll be likely to be moved into when you've been there a few weeks. Food is basic but absolutely grand, you won't starve there anyways, massive portions! There is a coffee bar, shop, etc. It costs €140 a week by the way, usually taken out of your social welfare payment if you've no other income. (If you're not currently on social welfare, they have an office there to liaise with the SW people and help get it set up, so don't let that put you off.)

Hope some of the above helps, I know that it's horrible going to a place and not knowing what to expect. Feel free to ask any other questions about the place.

Thanks for posting all the info - it really helps me understand about it.

Court Case - That's amazing to hear that they would put the court case off if I got into the program. I didn't know that could happen. I really am thinking about trying to do this as I am not really doing anything productive right now and just waiting for court and thinking I just have to deal with the fact that I am going to prison and nothing will change that.

Religious - It sounds even more religious than I thought it would be - Mass, rosaries and all that. I'm not into religion but I'm not an atheist or anti-religion. Probably like most people I might go to Mass at Christmas or something just out of tradition. I suppose having some of the staff there who have gone through something similar helps too. Have to say that the whole religious thing does put me off but you've explained it well.

It sounds like a pretty intense program and early starts. In some ways it sounds like being in prison without being there. Did you ever feel like just leaving - I'm sure it must cross your mind. How did you deal with this and how did the staff deal with this? What type of people were mainly there? Like I said I'm 32, good family and been at college and working most of my life but have a criminal record too. Do people there got on with each other and do you make friends or stay distant. Do they allow you time on your own or go outside for a smoke or is that allowed?

Reapply appreciate you telling me about it. If I do end up going there it's good to know what to expect.

LegacyUser

Sound Bite wrote: »

If you are going seeking treatment to avoid prison, then you might as well not be doing it. You have to accept you are an alcoholic before you do anything else. Your poor son, surely you want more for him that having a voilent drunk as a father.

I'm not sure I'm an alcoholic but I am the first to say I know I have a drink problem. With all that has happened I know I need to get help/help myself. But I am honest too I am expecting to go to prison but if this gets me out of it too right I will do it. Who wants to go to prison and would you not try to avoid it too?

Oh and with my son. I've never been drunk around him or been violent to him. He means everything to me and I've always supported him and done my best for him. I hate the fact that my ex is turning him against me. I think I am a good father despite everything else that is going on.

LegacyUser

infogiver wrote: »

Your only 32. Your still so young. You've got time to turn this whole thing around.
You definitely need to see your GP asap because you need to address your drinking and the reasons you drink.
Your son loves you very much and he wants to have you in his life.
Soon he'll be a teenager and you don't want him to be going through everything and you in prison or jobless and homeless and living in a hostel.
You want to be having him for the weekend in your own place ordering takeaway food with money that you earned. Don't you?
You are the only one who can fix this but it can be fixed you just have to ask for help

Thanks - agree with all that. Like I said my son means so much to me and I want to be a good Dad for him. Not so long ago everything was fine with me and I want to get back to that as soon as I can - I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.

Because he doesn't live with me it is probably easier if I end up in prison. I've been to visit a friend in prison before and they are horrible places and I wouldn't like him to see me there so I don't think I would let him visit. I think I would just stay in touch by writing and with phone calls. I think it would be too hard for me seeing him there.

sarahf2k16

Anon84 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice - it does make sense. I am going to go to my GP and see what he says next week. I haven't been to see him for years but maybe he can help. I know I need to change but maybe I'm too late already.

I used to be involved in my local GAA club but not that much lately. I do go to the gym and it makes me feel better when I go but I have alot of time just sitting around not doing much. I've started smoking again but don't do any other drugs. The thing with drinking is that I know people who drink more than me but don't get into trouble like I do but I will try and stop drinking but it's hard when everybody I know drinks.

I have a 10 year old son who I see every other weekend and I was with him today. He was strange with me today and then asked me was I a bad man. He was asking me about why I was going to prison as his mother, my ex, had told him that I would be away for a while. I wanted to tell him myself. It was one of the hardest talks I ever had. It felt like I was the kid and he was the adult even though I'm 32. I felt so bad for making him upset.

The nature of addiction is two opposing feelings - knowing we need to stop (wanting to stop/not wanting the consequences) and denial, not wanting to stop because we haven't done XYZ yet.

I also didn't drink every day or even every week. I have friends who drink a lot more then me, some who experienced worse consequences, and some who have not yet had to face any seemingly real consequences. When I did drink, bad things happened, which is why I didn't always want to drink; I couldn't stop drinking once I started. I hated drink twice as much as I loved it.

There will always be someone who has worse drinking then you or I, there is always a lower bottom if you continue drinking. Do you really want to find out how much worse it can get?

I always had this feeling that I could never change. I accepted that I would always be that way - too much had happened for me to change yet not enough to make me think I really had to stop. I thought this way for YEARS and it was mental torture.

Just like you, I wanted to believe that drink wasn't so much the problem as bad things just happened to me.

I lost friends (f*ck them), I lost a relationship (self-hate and pity drinking) and I got sexually assaulted in a blackout (and drank more for 8 years). But hey I didn't crash a car drunk (by luck), still had a job (got demoted), my family had no concerns (I was great craic yet felt dead inside) and I didn't even drink every week nevermind everyday so did I really have to stop?

I was miserable thinking I wasn't "bad enough" to have to stop even though I knew I was never going to be able control my drinking when I did drink. I just wanted to be like "everyone else"

I stopped thinking whether I can or can't drink and appreciate that I just don't have to drink, ever again. I know that drinking was always going to take more from me then it could ever give to me, so why let it take any more?

I won't tell you if you should keep drinking or try stop, because only you can make that decision.

I stopped waiting for someone or something else to prove I had to stop. I only hope you can realise that you don't need to wait for it to get any worse to stop because nothing will ever really get better until you do.

LegacyUser

rondog wrote: »

I could have written the above only I was much younger,in my teens and had been through a lot of trouble.I ,like yourself, tried to keep up with my mates drinking.I was a light weight and while they were guzzling double vodkas and red bull I was trying to keep up and ended up in awful states.I was in many fights,woke up in gardens at 8am not knowing what happened or how I got there.I got done for assault and got off with a fine as I was young and in college.Next time i got caught,i got a suspended sentence like yourself.Third time i ended up in prison  and that taught me a BIG lesson.I was in there with junkies and people who just didn't care about life and would be involved in stabbings and beatings withno intention of ever getting out of prison.It was a big wake up call and really snapped me out of what I was doing.I saw a lad attempt suicide (hanging )in his cell and remember standing there thinking WTF am I doing with my life.
I got out,and never looked back.I completed college and got my life on track and am doing very good now.OP-if you see your mother visiting you in prison and crying her eyes out wondering what she did wrong or not being able to hug your 3 year old niece in a visiting room and her crying asking why she cant touch or hug uncle.....it will destroy you.....I can only imagine what it will be like for your son.
I didn't give up drink as I didn't have the advice that peoplehere are giving,i just realised I couldn't drink spirits or shots.I only ever drink bottles of beer and never get drunk andhave done for over 10 years now andnever hd trouble.this was my case but obviously not yours,you need help and should get some as advised.
I tell you the above in the hope that you don't have to go thru what I did and see things I saw.Get help for your son and most of all yourself.The route you are going down leads to a very bad place.

I can so understand everything you said there. It does sound like we are alike (or were in your case) apart from it happening to me when I should know better. I've had the fights and woken up not remembering what happened. I was in court for minor things and always said it wouldn't happen again. Even the last time I was pretty sure I would get a suspended sentence so wasn't too worried but it's very different this time. I don't think I will get so lucky again.

Prison sounds as bad as I think it would be. This might sound bad but I don't think somebody like me belongs in there. Must have been tough especially seeing things like the lad trying to hang himself in a cell. When I got arrested last time and was being questioned I remember sitting in my cell thinking what it would be like to spend months locked up in a cell. It really got to me. What was it that made prison 'work' for you and change everything after that. You hear some people say prison here is easy and people don't mind going back but am sure it's not like that if you are a normal person. Can I ask how long were you inside for? Did you have to do any course in prison about drinking or getting into fights?

Yeah my Mam has taken all this really hard. I have already had that type of conversation with my Mam where she was crying and saying about what had she done wrong with me. Nobody else in my family has been in trouble before so it's tough on them. There would me no way I would want her to see me in prison to avoid all that. Like I said there is no way I could deal with having to have my son see me in there and have to deal with all that.

Glad you got everything sorted and life is going well now. I hope after all this it will be the same for me but know that I have alot to go through before getting there. Good to hear from someone who has been through the same. I know I'm not the only screw up but it feels like it sometimes.

Has having a prison record messed up your life much?

Wheety

I can't add too much to what has been said but although you feel like your life is messed up, you can turn it around. Just you. No one else can.

First step is to stop drinking. Then keep yourself busy. See if you can get another job. Judges can be lenient if they see you are trying to turn your life around.

Can you do gardening for elderly neighbours in the mean time, to get you out and about?

It's tough in this country to give up alcohol. Especially when all your friends are drinkers. It also doesn't help when the default reaction to someone not drinking is to ask what's wrong.

If they are proper friends and they know about the assaults and possible jail time, tell them you are giving up for a while because of your issues. They won't mention it again.

It'll be hard work to turn your life around but it can be done. You're only 32 man. You can do it! :-)

MartyMcFly84

Great advice already given out. All I can say is don't give up and keep fighting. Get to the gym, eat well and you will start feeling better. It will help you find positive outlet for the aggression that seems to surface when you drink.

Make small changes for the positive every day, and eventually all of these small changes will add up. Everyday is time you can spend improving your situation and yourself. Don't waste it, even if you got a jog in the morning it will start your day with an accomplishment and energy and build from there.

Your life is far from over.

Cut out drink entirely, don't even drink occasionally its not worth the gamble/risk to yourself and others. Give it a couple of years without it and you will see how much better your life is and what you can achieve.

Laying down and drinking is easy, cutting it out and fighting on is hard. It is what makes the difference.

Good luck.