Am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

So my boyfriend of 1.5 years really likes the word b*tch he will constantly make jokes where he is like "omg you are such a b*tch" Ive told him it bothers me but he keeps doing it, he thinks it is hilarious ...I am in my 30's and so is he.

I am sorta thinking...wtf...I don't really know how to handle this. We have a great relationship in love, progressing everything great...but he just loves to make that "joke" and it is the only thing in the relationship that drives me bloody nuts.

for example: I take the last sweet "omg you b*tch"

this kinda thing.

Any advice?

Gregor Samsa

To him, it's just a word that he thinks sounds cool/funny to use. He doesn't mean any offence, he's exaggerating for comic effect.

To you, it's either very annoying and/or offensive (you said it drives you "bloody nuts", but haven't gone into detail). It's the word, not his intentions that you're reacting to (and that's understandable, given the use of the word in our culture).

I think it would be reasonable for him to stop using the word if you're so bothered by it. The mature thing for him to do would be to take your feelings into account and act accordingly. All you can do is explain how and why it's annoying/offensive to you.

I know a couple of girls that you could use the word jokingly with in an obviously exaggerated manner (and they would retort in a similar fashion), but there's no way I'd say it to my wife under any circumstances. And not because she's my wife, but because I know she's a person who wouldn't want to be called it even in jest, and I respect that.

peckerhead

phutyle wrote: »

It's the word, not his intentions that you're reacting to (and that's understandable, given the use of the word in our culture).

This. There's a big difference between "OMG, you bitch, you took the last sweet!" and the kind of offensive connotations that you're associating with the term (I imagine?)

But I agree that if you find it offensive, he should stop. How big an ask is it, FFS, not to use a swearword that your partner has told you particularly annoys them?

Slap him up, if he does it again.

...JOKE!!!

JackTaylorFan

I think if it's a word that bothers you, you should say something - but given the context it seems harmless, playful even.

I'd be more more bothered by a fully grown adult saying "OMG", to be honest - but that's just me.

amtc

Yes I'd be offended. I have a really good friend who hates me calling him 'little boy' so I stopped it. If you've communicated you don't like it it shouldn't be used.

There's a difference between calling a conversation b...tchy which is ok but calling your girlfriend this no way

Big Bag of Chips

I don't like the word being used either, whereas my husband and his family don't see it as a swear word or anything derogatory at all. I remember one time we were visiting and my daughter was so small she was still in the rock-a-tot car seat (so less than 8 or 9 months!). My mother-in-law was playing with her. The baby was laughing at funny faces and my mother-in-law said to my other kids, "Look at that little bitch laughing at me". I'd say my face dropped. I know my other children looked a bit shocked. My mother-in-law copped it and has never repeated it. But she genuinely didn't mean anything derogatory.

I still can't get my head around it. I was brought up with it having a negative meaning. My husband wasn't. He couldn't understand why I'd get upset about it at times. But a conversation cleared it up. It took a few reminders though, because it didn't mean the same thing to him as it did me and he'd occasionally forget and say it.

Gavinz

Yes.

redfox123

I'd say it's more the fact you've told him and he keeps doing it. That's odd. How serious were you when you said it? If you made a throw away comment hey don't call me that and then he laughed or something it won't have registered. If you clearly say I actually think that's very disrespectful and hate the word then don't say anything else, he will probably listen. If he doesn't after that then I think he's either a bit dumb or doesn't have much respect or care about your feelings.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for the replies. He knows it bothers me, he said that i'm over-sensitivity and that he won't sensor himself.

I'm baffled...I know it sounds extreme but I don't know if this is a good basis for a long term relationship.

When I say it drives me nuts, it's more that it just makes me wince...and the thought of him saying things like that in front of friends and family, I really don't think they would react well to it, he has never said it infront of others.

I know I shouldn't get so worked up about it, but it's just annoying and I feel like..if he told me I did something that bothered him I wouldn't say "you're over sensitive" and continue to do it.

professore

From what you've written, I think it goes deeper than this. His personality is to use words like this while yours clearly isn't. It's not like he's calling you a "f**king bitch" or something if you spend all day cooking a meal for him and give him a beer instead of a glass of wine with it. It's meant in a playful way.

You don't like this playfulness - and this is a very big difference between the two of you.

Ursus Horribilis

So in other words, even though you've told him you don't like him using the word, his only response is to say you're over-sensitive and he will not be censoring himself. How thoughtful and considerate... It's not that big a deal to stop using the word, surely. I gather from what you said, that he's well capable of not saying it in front of other people.

redfox123

Course he's not going to say in front of others because he knows full well they will take it just like you are taking it, and it won't be well perceived, except he will have to explain it/look like a bit of an idiot (an a**hole even) in front of numerous people and not just you. Trust yourself on this one, when you feel that twinge in your gut that some behaviour isn't quite right then know it isn't. He's invalidated your feelings. It's one word for gods sake. He thinks if he stops that he'll have to start changing other things and he doesn't want to compromise on a little thing.

Now it may just be this one little thing with your OH, and he may finally get the message..But tbh I would be a little cautious after his reaction. I've experienced it before, the subtle undermining you, it's starts out with little 'jokes', harsh words that are used flippantly (when no ones around), and then you're 'too sensitive', and then it's your upset reaction that becomes the issue, not the words or disrespect from him. In my case the little things he did and words that he wouldn't stop using, down the line when he knew it upset me would use them to hurt me when there was a fight:.Sorry if this is alarmist but his reaction reminds me exactly of my experience.
I would be very straight with him the next time he does it, say I feel you're testing me or something, I've told you I have an issue with that word, nothing else, and I think you should take it on board.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

leggo

How is it said? Like does he constantly do it since you told him on purpose like he's pushing buttons? Or might he say it once every one or two weeks and it just slips out then he doesn't apologise? I'm trying to see it from both sides.

If it's button-pushing, then I'd listen to the advice here about it being a big deal.

If it slips out and he doesn't apologise, I kinda get it. Like humour is a big deal for me and it's something I need to be compatible with someone about. Personally I've quite a dark sense of humour at times and, to be with me, you don't need to tell dark jokes yourself but you need to be able to at least deal with them because it's going to happen. It's who I am, I'm not going to change, and when I'm with the person I want to be with forever I want to be able to be myself fully around that person and not feel like I have to accommodate them in a major way by changing my personality, they need to accept me for who I am. I've tried it with people before and it starts to eat at you after a while, even in little things that appear insignificant. If I was your boyfriend, I'd probably stop using that one specific word but I wouldn't stop the mess slagging because I'd be a slagger myself. Fair enough if you were asking stuff like "don't curse around my family they're not like that", but around you? No, sorry, I'm gonna be myself.

Anyway just trying to give some perspective.

up for anything

I would hate anyone, never mind someone I'm in a relationship calling me a bitch like that. But what would red flag it more for me is him telling you that your are over-sensitive. That's such a manipulative thing to say. In other words it's your problem and not him. We all change and tailor our behaviour depending on the situations we are in otherwise we wouldn't hang onto jobs, friends or relationships. There is being yourself and there is being a dick. He's being the latter in this instance.