Unfairness makes me so angry..

Makingpies87

I have a bit of an odd issue that actually wears me out. I get so angry about things that I deem unfair. Things that seem small to other people will send me into a rage. Let me give some examples…



Someone in work messing up something (obv a once off is fine but has happened numerous times) that resulted in me being caught working late missng my training


Seeing my friend not get a job that she was perfect for because a relation of the manager got the job (Before anyone says it, I understand that maybe this person was more suited but it doesn’t look like they are)



Seeing people leave someone out or bullying people. Rude people. People who litter. Noisy neighbours partying at 3am on a Tuesday night.



People parking across two spaces and someone else not being able to get a parking space then



A friend telling another friend that she’s surprised at me because I didn’t give her a more expensive wedding present even though in total between hotels, hen party, transport etc her wedding cost me (€700+)



The fact my insurance went up by 300 for no reason whatsoever


I won’t go on because I’m sure you get the drift…… It sends me into a rage. I know there's nothing I can do about it so why get angry? How do people suppress their anger when things happen that they cannot change?

GingerLily

They're all good reasons to be annoyed but if your constantly angry then there's got to be more going on?
I usually find myself getting overly mad about something inconsequential when there's something else bothering me, e.g. drama with the SIL!

Do you do excersize? It can be a good way to relieve stress. Long hikes or intense gym sessions generally help a good bit with mental health and pent up anger.

Have you always been this angry?

NIMAN

You do sound stressed if these sort of things bother you so an extent that you get really annoyed.

Admittedly, some of them would annoy me too, but not enough to affect me long term.

I saw a programme recently about stress, can't remember if it was on British TV or if I seen it on YouTube or whatever, and they said that in studies 95% of things that people worry about never actually end up happening. I appreciate that you have given examples of things that have happened and which annoyed you, but I would guess you also worry about things that 'might happen'? If so, you have to learn to let them go.

In the great scheme of things, of life in general, a lot of the things you mention are a pain but shouldn't get you into a rage. No matter what you do, people aren't going to change, so should you let their ignorance, stupidity or whatever affect your life so much? People will always bully, park badly, get ahead in place of others, party at night etc. You just have to learn to let it wash over you and see the bigger picture, as the only solution would be moving to a remote location and living in your own company.

Makingpies87

I wouldn't say im angry all the time. Just when something happens like what I have mentioned above. Though I have a short fuse and would get angry a lot quicker than others.

I'm highly aware of my actions and would never intentionally put someone else out. Even now I am currently in work sick because I didn't want anyone to be put out covering for me when we are already short staffed!

As for stress, I do get stressed easy and also worry a lot about “what if” scenarios.. It pisses me off, I don’t want to be like this. I think people think that angry people choose to be that way! I certainly would change my mind frame right now if I could…

homerjay2005

i think its normal and acceptable to be upset about all of the above.

angry maybe a bit strong, but certainly being frustrated and discontent is a perfect human reaction to them.

GritBiscuit

Don't see a social conscience as a negative, perhaps just channel it better?

Life is inherently unfair and injustices are rife...so you have to pick your battles. Would you consider volunteering or charity work? You might find doing your best for one very deserving group, like a children's Cancer charity, gives the day to day annoyances some much needed perspective.

Best of luck

Makingpies87

homerjay2005 wrote: »

i think its normal and acceptable to be upset about all of  the above.

angry maybe a bit strong, but certainly being frustrated and discontent is a perfect human reaction to them.

I certainly get angrier than I should. Other people just seem to not care, "oh someone parked in a way blocking me from parking, oh well" I wish I could just brush it off and not care!!!!!!!!!!!

ManOfMystery

I'm very similar to you OP in that I was brought up to be polite, and I try to be considerate/thoughtful in most things I do - both in work and outside it. 

And like you, I can get into a seething rage sometimes with people when they fail to do the same. It's general thoughtlessness and lack of consideration for others which riles me most. As an example, a guy yesterday parked in front of two empty spaces in work. I wasn't even affected by this as I parked elsewhere earlier in the day, but as I walked past his car at lunchtime I could feel my anger rising - parking is a major issue in our workplaces as we have more staff than spaces. Others with me didn't even notice.

Unlike you, I'm generally not quick to anger and can be quite restrained as far as temper goes - though when it goes, it does so big time. However, I do think when you make efforts to be considerate and see others who don't, it's hard to address the kind of imbalance it creates in your mind. It's hard to perceive that others would not immediately recognise their own lack of consideration. And the manifestation of that can be anger. 

Unfortunately I don't have any magic answers for you as I haven't solved it myself. What I will say is that I have been thinking about this lately and realised that it wasn't really as an issue as much when I was younger, but has definitely worsened in recent years since I got busier in work and became a father. So perhaps overall stress levels are to blame. I'm certainly going to look at ways of reducing my stress overall and see if I'm a bit calmer - we can't change the way everyone thinks so getting angry over things which may be relatively mundane to most is always going to be wasted energy.

HalloweenJack

Personally, I just get on with my own life. As long as people are doing stuff that doesn't affect me, I generally don't pay them much mind, regardless of how obnoxious I find their behaviour. If it affects me, I'll let them now and hopefully it won't happen again.

As for stuff that doesn't involve you, life is like that and you'll find that you're just wearing yourself out if you get worked up about it. By pointing it out, people will say, and rightly so, that it's nothing to do with you. A lot of people who do stuff like that either aren't aware of it or don't care what others think.

Honestly, you're better looking after yourself and holding yourself to a higher standard. It sounds easier than it is but it's all you can do, imo, until you get into a position of power and can change it.

Aimeee

Makingpies87 wrote: »

I'm highly aware of my actions and would never intentionally put someone else out. Even now I am currently in work sick because I didn't want anyone to be put out covering for me when we are already short staffed!

I used to be like this and had a short fuse as a result. It's the quick road to burnout. Take a step back. One day years ago i was at work, had a bad cold and one of the doctors asked why I was there, i was obviously sick plus i was spreading my germs. She was a bit snooty about it too. But she was right. I took a step back (or three) and it made me re-evaluate my whole work ethic. Total cliche but if you don't mind yourself nobody else will plus you will soon not be able to do your job.
I learned to let things go. Let karma deal with all the unfairness you see, the bad parking and all those other perceived injustices.
Eventually you won't notice so many as you won't be "looking" for them. Your radar will fine tune to other things in life. When i see dodgy parking nowadays i think gosh some poor old lady/man/frazzled mom/dad just wasn't thinking etc etc or something like that. We've all done things that annoy others, more often than not there's a reason. Not justifying things but I don't use energy getting annoyed about it.
I suspect you are worn out from picking up the slack at work therfore leading to a short fuse with the little things. I agree with you that its hard when people don't do jobs properly/finish things off leaving a mountain for the next person to pick up. As long as someone like you keeps picking it up they'll keep leaving it. Can you have a word with whoever it is about it? Maybe they don't realise that it's not done properly etc?
Adapt a devil may care attitude (assuming it's safe to do so - for clients/the business) and see what happens. Other people may step up. Other people may feel more able to also if you aren't on the case all the time. Don't forget that if someone like you is always on the ball it can be very intimidating and disabling for other less confident staff. They'll never do it as good as you/to your liking. I see this going on a lot and much of the time well able staff are feeling criticised and subsequently disabled instead of either doing a job their way (end result is same) they don't do it at all.
I hope you get sorted. I know it's tough and frustrating but only you can change the lens through which you're seeing lots of things right now.

dev100

Makingpies87 wrote:

I won’t go on because I’m sure you get the drift…… It sends me into a rage. I know there's nothing I can do about it so why get angry? How do people suppress their anger when things happen that they cannot change?

What age group are you in ? In theory a person gets older they become more wiser well that's the theory . I've learnt to loosen up as time goes by.

Look people do stupid things . Thing you need to learn is that fact you can't control what they do. You may not like people parking stupidly etc but what are you gonna do to change that? Your friend not getting the job what does it really matter and in fairness everyone of us uses connections to get what we want.

All that that happens is you get wound up and end up getting a reputation for being a cantankerous man or woman

We have a fella in work if you looked side ways at him he'd go nuts/ his nickname is the mad lad and because we all know this, lads will always get a rise out of him for fun. But in a serious side to this it can affect your career as it can be well known you have a short fuse , it also can affect your health so be careful .....

You just need to look at things logically and say I can only change me but no one else !!!

NIMAN

I think its always good to have the philosophy "in the great scheme of things, is this really a problem, or am I getting worked up over nothing?"

If you ask yourself that question every now and again, it might make you realise that 99% of things you are getting annoyed about aren't really worth worrying about.

Real problems and crises will come to you in life, if you cant cope with simple, unimportant things, then how do you expect to cope with the bigger things?

rondog

I think this is fairly common.
Things like this really anger me.Things that really get on my nerve are the latest media coverage of people with ridiculous claims and getting 20k for banging their leg off a table or falling in a school yard.
I read about that girl recently that robbed 30k or something like that that was in her account and she got a suspended sentence,that drove me nuts.She played the poor single mother card and got off without a jail sentence.
I think as you grow and earn your money and deal with debts and things like that you really resent people getting it easy or getting ridiculous handouts which will eventually make their way back to us in the form of more expensive insurance.
I don't try to fight these feelings I just go with them,once they don't cause me to smash something up and I also find going to the gym and lifting heavy or hitting a punch bag helps also.

Makingpies87

I just read about a guy who brought his football team to court for dropping him from the team. Luckily he didn’t win but it made me mad thinking that I actually expected him to win because in Ireland people like him are usually awarded.

 

Looking back actually after reading all the great points in this thread when I lived abroad I never had this anger. It’s in the last two years that my anger has spiralled since I moved home.

dev100

Makingpies87 wrote:

I just read about a guy who brought his football team to court for dropping him from the team. Luckily he didn’t win but it made me mad thinking that I actually expected him to win because in Ireland people like him are usually awarded.Looking back actually after reading all the great points in this thread when I lived abroad I never had this anger. It’s in the last two years that my anger has spiralled since I moved home.

Why would it make you mad thinking about it? It making you mad has no outcome on the case. I heard that on the radio and I heard he suffered Pts disorder because of it . I had a laugh at it and went back to sleep.

Can I ask why you moved home ? Have you other things on your mind that could be making you angry ?

koumi

If it's any consolation I just consider you a decent human being. I realise that doesn't help the issue of managing how it makes you feel but it does suggest to me at least that you have probably experienced some kind of injustice in your own life and so are able to empathise with others when you see them experiencing something similar. I don't think empathy is a bad thing, but I've found that sometimes anger is really sadness in a different form and instead of having to suppress it that it's perfectly ok to sit down and cry a waterfall when you feel sad every now and then. It's definitely much better than holding onto a rage that only hurts you. Best of luck op

Makingpies87

koumi wrote: »

If it's any consolation I just consider you a decent human being. I realise that doesn't help the issue of managing how it makes you feel but it does suggest to me at least that you have probably experienced some kind of injustice in your own life and so are able to empathise with others when you see them experiencing something similar. I don't think empathy is a bad thing, but I've found that sometimes anger is really sadness in a different form and instead of having to suppress it that it's perfectly ok to sit down and cry a waterfall when you feel sad every now and then. It's definitely much better than holding onto a rage that only hurts you. Best of luck op

Again another thought provoking point. I think it makes me feel bad because other people seem fine with these things and I think there is something wrong with me for getting so worked up over a strangers parking!!

koumi

Makingpies wrote:

Again another thought provoking point. I think it makes me feel bad because other people seem fine with these things and I think there is something wrong with me for getting so worked up over a strangers parking!!

yeah it's ok to weep for humanity, just not in the parking lot

amtc

A very good friend of mine said to me when thinking over such things to 'remember the margin'. What exactly are you going to achieve by fixing wrongs? Are they yours to fix? You're not a superhero. You're only giving yourself blood pressure. I'm not a fan of the keep calm and carry on slogan but you're not achieving anything

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder would going to anger management/therapy help? Or trying yoga/meditation?

It is something you need to knock on the head before it wears you down. I have an acquaintance who used to take a lot of injustices to heart and would get worked up about all sorts of things. In the end it brought him no happiness because it led to him having a nervous breakdown in his late 40s. As far as I know he never returned to work and is still quite highly strung. If you think this is a mental health issue, be kind to yourself and do something about it.

Airyfairy12

Your comment about insurance going up by 300 made me angry lol. Im so feckin sick and tired of this rip off country, are they so out of touch that they think people have that kind of money. I read an article today by a nurse who has to leave the country because despite working full time she cant afford food as the government is taking so much out of her wages through tax and she can barely keep her car going. Its scandalous whats happening, people working full time in graduate jobs living in poverty.

You have every right to be angry, I notice it myself how people are so self centred and its very frustrating. As others have suggested channel that frustration into something good like volunteering or do some random acts of kindness, be the opposite of the selfish arseholes.

LegacyUser

A cliche at this stage but mindfulness and some kind of meditation practise works. It's about accepting reality as it is, completely, not as you think it should be which only leads to a long wasted life of frustration, anger, stress, conflict, even mental illness. In our minds we are always judging about how other people should act, how things should be, and then getting annoyed if they don't measure up.
If we fully accept we only really control how best we react to things it makes it easier. Our lives are as good or as bad as how we deal with and control our own emotional responses to external things. We can feel an emotion and let it happen but then let it go and not react to it. They're like clouds moving through your mind. Always will be there, let them pass.

Having expectations too leads to disappointment and anger. Perfectionism leads to anger. Only have high expectations or intentions for yourself, if you want to even do that. Continue to do good, and be content that you may never be acknowledged, people may never notice, or care. But it's ok, it's not about that. People are normally too busy judging and focussing on others shortcomings and negativity to really ever notice the good that happens and how good some people can be. Do you see how you do this?

Stoic philosophy too helps with being happy with reality and dealing with the negative emotions brought on by what you think are rude, inconsiderate people, and the small or big bad things that will happen regardless of how good a person you are.

It seems a default state of being human to focus on the negative, it's more difficult sometimes to do the opposite, why? It's complex but it can be driven by fear underneath it. Fear keeps one alert, it creates excitement in the body, the body cannot distinguish good excitement from negative excitement, only the mind makes a distinction. This physical reaction makes you move, react to threats, defend, etc. Fear can make one feel alive. It's a primitive survival mechanism, happens in the brain. Normally there's not many physical threats at every corner anymore...so it's more a threat to the ego and is just how the mind interprets things automatically. Being content and happy means none of this physical reaction and no excitement.

The more you are unaware and have a knee jerk reaction to other people's seeming inconsiderateness, the more that reaction will solidify and be your automatic reaction. The neuropaths are set and you become a more and more angry person. But your emotional reactions can be changed bit by bit, with practise and awareness, just like one can learn a new language or instrument or task. It becomes a habit, and then part of your who you are. You always have a choice in every moment to how you respond to everything, you can start pausing and accepting, not resisting reality and getting angry it's not the way you want it, and then choosing how you respond if at all.