Long post from a lost guy

tomjk

Thank you all for your replies.

I appreciate all the inputs here, and it also seems clear that I have to work with some personal issues, rather than being angry at a person, who did nothing wrong.

Thank you all.

LegacyUser

Where to even start. There's double standards here. It's OK for you to be sexually active since the age of 10. But now you guys are broken up and she's had a ONS she now disgusts you. Fair enough it was silly of her to not use protection, we all make mistakes. Sounds like you are bitter and jealous that she banged someone in a toilet and she wouldn't do that with you. People change, she did what she did and there's nothing she can do to take it back. I think she made a mistake telling you the full details of it. She was right to tell you to get checked of course, but she should have left it at that. None of what she does now is your business and vice versa.


You've been together a long time and yes it will be very hard to get over each other, someone you've been 10 years with, clearly yous aren't a match though. You want sex multiple times a day and she doesn't. Both are well within their rights to want what they want in a relationship. I just don't think you are suited to each other. You're being too harsh, you feel emasculated, because she banged a guy in a toilet? And you feel she's a slut now? I can't agree with you there. If you can't get over that then you need to let her go, and both of you need to get over each other and move on.

Ursus Horribilis

I hate to say this but you're going to have to cut contact with your ex. No texts, no social media, no emails, no nothing. Radio silence.

The children issue is a dealbreaker and you were right to split up. That, I'm afraid, is the only right thing you did after that. It is next to impossible to become just friends with an ex straight after a break-up. Not only did you stay in touch but you continued to have sex. That wasn't a break-up. It was the pair of you playing at being a couple. No wonder your head is now fried. You never got to miss her or get over her because she was never gone.

tomjk

Yeah youre probably right. I thought it was possible, but looking at it now, it doesn't seem that way. Just cant believe it has to end because of children.

Ursus Horribilis

I've seen a few threads here about the children issue. It is definitely one of the worst sorts of break-ups because usually everything else in the relationship is great. But if you don't want children, then there is absolutely no point in continuing.

tomjk

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I've seen a few threads here about the children issue. It is definitely one of the worst sorts of break-ups because usually everything else in the relationship is great. But if you don't want children, then there is absolutely no point in continuing.

I agree, but for some reason, I always have this in the back of my head: What if I change my mind in 10 years? What if I one day do want children. Sure I could find another woman, but I rarely fall in love, and if I do not love the woman, children are out of the question whether I want them or not. Then I'll be this sobbing middle-aged man, who pissed everything away because he was too immature 10 years prior.

tomjk

Trollish?

juno10353

tomjk wrote:

I agree, but for some reason, I always have this in the back of my head: What if I change my mind in 10 years? What if I one day do want children. Sure I could find another woman, but I rarely fall in love, and if I do not love the woman, children are out of the question whether I want them or not. Then I'll be this sobbing middle-aged man, who pissed everything away because he was too immature 10 years prior.

You do not want children now, and maybe never. You were right to split. You cannot have your cake and eat it. Let her go. You may love each other, but you are both now single. The only way to move forward is to cut off contact. Anything else is cruel to you both. You have been together, as a couple, all your adult lives, so it will be difficult to find your new path, but this you cannot do together. You have to discover who the single you is, as does she. You will be in new situations, meeting new people, and who knows how you will react in these situations. It is a new, exciting, and scary time for you both. In the future, who knows, you may be friends. But for now you both need to find the singleton within. Good luck on your journey

tomjk

Thank you all for your replies. It helps a lot to hear all of your advice and opinions

Sephiroth_dude

Cut your losses and move on, she want's kids and you don't , time too move on .

osarusan

The issue here is that you don't want kids and she does, and for her, that's enough to end the relationship. No rights, no wrongs, just differences.

Unless that changes, I don't really think there's any future. And I don't think it really does either of you any good to ponder a 'what if I change my mind' future scenario.

The stuff about her having sex with somebody in a way she wouldn't have done with you obviously bothers you, but as for looking at her in disgust, and thinking she's a slut, it sounds like you are building up reasons to be glad to be rid of her.

You don't need to do that - it's over because of the conflict over kids. It does sound like you need to just cut her out of your life though, or you'll have a long lingering misery.

I dare say there are plenty of people out there who thought they would never ever find anybody as special as the person they'd broken up with (especially a first love), who are now completely happy in a relationship with somebody else.

Bambi985

Honestly Tom I found your post disturbing. How dare you call your ex a "slut" for having casual sex when you admittedly have been doing the same since you were 12 years old and would happily have sex multiple times a day if you had your own way? That sort of double standard think would send most self-respecting women running over fences to get away from you.

Also having a high sex drive does not mean any partner you are with "owes" you sex multiple times a day just because it's what your drive is. Maybe your ex was exhausted and frustrated by being bugged for sex constantly including when you were in public with no consideration for what SHE actually wanted. You'll be hard pressed to find too many women that will be like that, no less still that way ten years in. i have a healthy sex life myself but it would absolutely be the beginning of the end if my OH turned that way.

beauf

tomjk wrote: »

I agree, but for some reason, I always have this in the back of my head: What if I change my mind in 10 years? ...

Might be too late for her. In 10yrs you might have split up anyway about something else. TBH it doesn't sounds like you have the relationship you wanted even without kids. Or the relationship you thought you had.

Ursus Horribilis

Your statement that you rarely fall in love makes little sense. You've been with your ex for a huge portion of your life and you're still very far from over her. How can any woman stand a chance when you're still so hung up on your ex? You don't sound like a man who's emotionally ready to date anyone, let alone form a meaningful relationship.

tomjk

beauf wrote: »

tomjk wrote: »

I agree, but for some reason, I always have this in the back of my head: What if I change my mind in 10 years? ...

Might be too late for her. In 10yrs you might have split up anyway about something else. TBH  it doesn't sounds like you have the relationship you wanted even without kids. Or the relationship you thought you had.

I agree, when you look at the problems all laid out, I see that reasoning. Trust me, I have had to think really hard about why I feel the way I do. I figured that even with those problems, a much bigger portion of the time was absolutely perfect, also when compared to previous relationships and flings. 

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Your statement that you rarely fall in love makes little sense. You've been with your ex for a huge portion of your life and you're still very far from over her. How can any woman stand a chance when you're still so hung up on your ex? You don't sound like a man who's emotionally ready to date anyone, let alone form a meaningful relationship.

You got to remember, that even though I have been with this woman for a huge portion of my life, I did meet, and hook up with a lot of women before her. I have also met a bunch of women during my time with her, and I have never even had a crush on anyone else during that time. But no, I am not by any means ready to date anyone. You are right about that. I don't want to either.

tomjk

Bambi985 wrote: »

Honestly Tom I found your post disturbing. How dare you call your ex a "slut" for having casual sex when you admittedly have been doing the same since you were 12 years old and would happily have sex multiple times a day if you had your own way? That sort of double standard think would send most self-respecting women running over fences to get away from you.

Also having a high sex drive does not mean any partner you are with "owes" you sex multiple times a day just because it's what your drive is. Maybe your ex was exhausted and frustrated by being bugged for sex constantly including when you were in public with no consideration for what SHE actually wanted. You'll be hard pressed to find too many women that will be like that, no less still that way ten years in. i have a healthy sex life myself but it would absolutely be the beginning of the end if my OH turned that way.

I see what you mean, and I know it is harsh and completely uncalled for. As I said, it was just how I felt. I have done some hard thinking though, and I also realized that my double-standards are beyond high here. Even though I might think the act is "slutty", I did the exact same thing back in the day, and I am by no means any better. Besides, as I also stated - she did nothing wrong, and I know that. So why was I angry? I am actually not angry anymore, and all of your replies helped me through that.

I know she didn't owe me any sex, and I also know different people have different needs. I also said that it wasn't actually a problem. I accepted that. I just had to deal with the sexual frustrations it gave me, but it was still worth it. 

I think it just all boiled up, and then it just got me thinking. If she did something with a random guy, that she always denied me, I think it just made me feel like I was never that important, or maybe she was never that into me. But surely there can be many other reasons.

Bambi985 wrote: »

 
Maybe your ex was exhausted and frustrated by being bugged for sex constantly including when you were in public with no consideration for what SHE actually wanted. You'll be hard pressed to find too many women that will be like that, no less still that way ten years in. 

I hear you, and I never really looked at it that way. All the women I was with before her, were all like me when it came to sex. That had probably something to do with our age back then. However, it just continued to be like this for me, and I think I had just gotten used to getting it when I wanted to, because they wanted it just as much. But of course, it doesn't work like that in the long run.

Your reply is appreciated. Thank you.

dudara

Thread closed as the OP has amended their original post

dudara