Friends mother has cancer, how to show support?

Teapot30

Hi everyone, im just looking for advice. Ive been friends with this woman since we were 5, very close as kids and teenagers but drifted late teens/early 20's, life just went in different directions. There was also other issues like we'd arrange to meet up, id show up only to be stood up by her, id call and if she even bothered to answer the phone she'd have a stupid excuse like she cant come shes having something to eat or shes washing her hair. This was regular with her and I cant even remember the last time she showed up for my birthday or an event that I arranged, she lets me down every time.
We sort of got back in regular touch a few years ago and we'd go for the odd night out, meet for coffee ect but I found the interactions uncomfortable and hard to relax, it was like she didnt want to be there, like I was boring her and if the conversation switched from her to me, her phone would come out and she wouldnt even listen, she just always seemed to have an attitude so I pulled back from making an effort and contacting her but still went along to things she invited me too. On a few occasions during these nights out ive caught her *****ing behind my back (Didnt hear what was said) another night she ganged up on me with some *****y girls and called me anorexic. So ive had a guard up around her.
She treated her other two female friends so horribly that they stopped speaking to her, she said some horrendous things about them behind their backs and found herself pretty much friendless (She thinks her lack of female friends is down to herself being too pretty) so she came sucking up to me and carried on like we were best friends, she then made a huge effort to win back these other friends and when that happened the flaky behaviour and attitude started again towards me, the last time we were supposed to meet she didnt show up. She knew id planned my entire day around us meeting and text me 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet. I let her know how she had put me out but she just gave some stupid excuse and gave me an attitude. We spoke via facebook since (friendly chats) but she never replied to my last message and we havnt met up in maybe two months.

Last time we spoke she informed me her mams cancer has returned and its terminal, her mams very old but I knew her well when I was a kid. What should I do? how should I be a friend? I dont want to impose or insist on meeting up when I dont feel wanted but if I do nothing or make no attempt that reflects badly too..

sorry for long post, thanks to anyone who read it. xx

Big Bag of Chips

I think there's not a lot you can do. You seem to do most of the chasing, and she seems disinterested at best. She sounds more like a 'frenemy'. Why do you insist on pushing the friendship? Is it because you were friends as kids? People change all the time and just because you were good friends 20/30 years ago doesn't automatically mean you will still be good friends today. If a friend/acquaintance you'd only recently met treated you like that would you keep going back for more? Probably not.

You contact her, she doesn't reply. You arrange to meet up, she doesn't show up or cancels last minute. You can't force someone to be a good friend. I think you can text her to tell her you are thinking about her and her mam and she knows you are at the end of the phone whenever she needs you. You probably won't hear from her, but you've offered. She may or may not badmouth you down the line, but she may or may not do that anyway. It sounds like others have the measure of her and aren't likely to take much notice.

She sounds like a horrible person. The fact that her mam has cancer doesn't change the fact that she is still a nasty person. For years you've been putting yourself out for her only to be let down. It's up to you if you want to continue that, but I'd have walked away long ago.

I'd send her mam a nice card though to tell her you are thinking of her.

Teapot30

If anybody else treated me that way they wouldn't get a second chance, I continued the friendship over the years because we were friends so long and I also made excuses for her behaviour due to childhood problems she had and her being an only child but I do realise that everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves and how they treat others. I tried to end the friendship countless times the past and we havnt spoke for months at a time but then Ill get a message from her asking to meet for a catch up and I think well its only a drink and then contact slowly resumes or someone in her or my family will pass away and ill hear from her and things pick up again. I didn't even contact her when my granny died (she knew my granny well when we were kids) I didn't feel it was appropriate to contact her and tell her after not hearing from her in so long. The last time the flakiness and attitude started again and when she ditched me the second her old friends came back I swore that was it, I was cutting all contact but then her mam got sick and I dont feel its the time to be holding grudges. I did tell her i was hear for her and you're right there's not a whole lot more I can do.

Big Bag of Chips

How many times have you asked her to meet up and she didn't? Her asking you to meet up is a suggestion, not a summons! I wouldn't suggest to her that you meet up again, but if she suggests it decide at the time if it's convenient to you or not. If it's not convenient then you tell her you can't this time. If it is convenient go along for a cup of tea or whatever but have no expectations.

Friendships drift all the time, and someone you were very close to at one point can eventually become someone you used to know a long time ago.

You two aren't friends anymore. You haven't been friends for a very long time. Do you confide anything in her, or is it a very superficial friendship at this stage? At best you're now acquaintances, and you should treat her, and have the same expectations of her as you would any other casual acquaintance. She always comes back to you because you tolerate her bull when nobody else will. As soon as she has someone else showing slight interest, you're dropped. If you accept that your friendship isn't what it used to be anymore then you will better be able to handle it, and her.

amtc

Can I just add that making excuses for her as she's an only child is a bit ridiculous. I'm an only child and it doesn't impact on my friendships. We are people too!

On the substantive issue let it go, she knows where you are

Sunny Dayz

Do you want to be there for her though?
I was initially going to suggest messaging her to say you were sorry to hear of the news and that you are there for her if she wants to talk. But do you really want to be there for her? What if she takes you up on that and you are back in that cycle again of being stood up, treating you badly etc. Depending on how she is taking the bad news about her mother, would she just use you an emotional punchbag?


A close friend of mine her mum was undergoing cancer treatment, (she;s clear now btw). But often the family or close ones of a cancer sufferer keep their emotions from the cancer patient and we were there for our friend when she needed to vent/cry about her mum.


You do come across as a nice person, you have told her you are there for her so I would leave it at that. If she really wants/needs you she knows where to find you.

Teapot30

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How many times have you asked her to meet up and she didn't? Her asking you to meet up is a suggestion, not a summons! I wouldn't suggest to her that you meet up again, but if she suggests it decide at the time if it's convenient to you or not. If it's not convenient then you tell her you can't this time. If it is convenient go along for a cup of tea or whatever but have no expectations.

Friendships drift all the time, and someone you were very close to at one point can eventually become someone you used to know a long time ago.

You two aren't friends anymore. You haven't been friends for a very long time. Do you confide anything in her, or is it a very superficial friendship at this stage? At best you're now acquaintances, and you should treat her, and have the same expectations of her as you would any other casual acquaintance. She always comes back to you because you tolerate her bull when nobody else will. As soon as she has someone else showing slight interest, you're dropped. If you accept that your friendship isn't what it used to be anymore then you will better be able to handle it, and her.

Thanks for replying, I do only meet her if its convenient but if I tell her I cant make it she takes it very personally so I do feel pressure to be there if she arranges anything.

True we're not friends anymore and its just something ill have to accept.

Ursus Horribilis

This woman has been telling you in very many different ways that she doesn't like you and does not consider you a friend. Quite frankly, your behaviour is like that of a puppy who keeps running back to its master even though he has been kicked every other time. Why oh why do you keep doing this to yourself? Where is your self respect, woman?

Friendships from way back don't always last the distance. If I'm honest, I don't think I particularly like my best friend from secondary school these days but it's not an issue. We're both adult enough to know that we've changed enormously since we were 14 and that a polite chat on the street is as far as things go now. I get on far better with her mum lol.

By all means send her mum a card if you feel that's the right thing to do. But please for your own self respect, stop trying to push a friendship with someone who is at best tolerating you. You're worth more than that..

Big Bag of Chips

Teapot30 wrote: »

if I tell her I cant make it she takes it very personally so I do feel pressure to be there if she arranges anything.

Yet, she doesn't seem at all bothered about you taking it personally when she lets you down time after time. She doesn't feel any pressure whatsoever to meet up with you.

I'm very sorry for what she has to go through with her mam. But I think she will soon discover, at a time when she will look for friends and support around her nobody will be there. She may someday realise that she's the problem rather than everyone else, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

You can't be a 'pity friend' for her. Best thing you can do for yourself, and maybe even for her, is drift away. It might make her realise she needs to offer more to a friendship, that it can't be all take on her part. But whether or not she comes to that realisation shouldn't matter to you. She's had years of chances. There's only so much a person can tolerate.

Teapot30

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

Do you want to be there for her though?
I was initially going to suggest messaging her to say you were sorry to hear of the news and that you are there for her if she wants to talk. But do you really want to be there for her? What if she takes you up on that and you are back in that cycle again of being stood up, treating you badly etc. Depending on how she is taking the bad news about her mother, would she just use you an emotional punchbag?


A close friend of mine her mum was undergoing cancer treatment, (she;s clear now btw). But often the family or close ones of a cancer sufferer keep their emotions from the cancer patient and we were there for our friend when she needed to vent/cry about her mum.


You do come across as a nice person, you have told her you are there for her so I would leave it at that. If she really wants/needs you she knows where to find you.

Well I did tell her im here if she needs anything but I dont want to get stuck in that cycle again, every time I tell myself never again but she contacts me or something happens and she gets in touch. Youre right she knows were I am but it wont stop her holding it against me that I didnt make more of effort but theres not really anything I can do.

Teapot30

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

This woman has been telling you in very many different ways that she doesn't like you and does not consider you a friend. Quite frankly, your behaviour is like that of a puppy who keeps running back to its master even though he has been kicked every other time. Why oh why do you keep doing this to yourself? Where is your self respect, woman?

Friendships from way back don't always last the distance. If I'm honest, I don't think I particularly like my best friend from secondary school these days but it's not an issue. We're both adult enough to know that we've changed enormously since we were 14 and that a polite chat on the street is as far as things go now. I get on far better with her mum lol.

By all means send her mum a card if you feel that's the right thing to do. But please for your own self respect, stop trying to push a friendship with someone who is at best tolerating you. You're worth more than that..

I know, I dont know why I keep doing it. Nobody else would get even a second chance with me but its not just me she treats people horribly, shes cheated on her fiance loads of times, she calls one of her friends 'S*ut' behind her back and accused another friend of faking a miscarriage to take the limelight off her engagement. Its just how she is yet she has a number of people who are loyal and stick by her regardless of how she treats people. Youre right, im done trying push the friendship it does feel like she just about tolerates me but its her that initiates conversation, not me. Now when she reaches out again ill be pushed to respond because her mothers ill, I dont want to turn my back at a time like that.

Big Bag of Chips

Teapot30 wrote: »

she has a number of people who are loyal and stick by her regardless of how she treats people.

Let them look after her then. You've done your bit. She will find something to bitch about you. Whether it's her mother or something else.

Look after yourself and avoid her.