My bf of nearly two years is on dating sites

Illbefine

Hi,

I'm new to this and need some advice.

I found messages on my bf phone at 3 in the morning from a woman. Her texts had kisses at the end of one. One of her msg mentioned a dating site. So I looked him up and found he was on two dating sites that I know of. I asked him about it and he said she was an old friend going through a bad time with her ex and said kisses at the end of a text is normal and he thought nothing of it. And that he just added her on fb two days before when she friend requested him. His answer as to why he was on the dating sites was he was bored one day in work. But he was on them the day the two of them became friends. I asked to see his phone the next day as he has blocked me on fb but he has deleted her texts and his dating profiles. He said there was nothing in it but now there is no proof. I looked in his photo album and there was a photo of her looking provocative but not naked. When I asked him he first said he screen shot it to ask his brother if he knew who she was as there was mutual friends. It wasn't a screen shot so I asked him again. His reply was oh she said she sent it by mistake.
He is inconsistant in his answers. Maybe he was on them more often than he is letting on. Got talking to her and added her on fb. Why would a man who is in a relationship be on dating sites? He had been very secretive with his phone and would come out of a page when I'd walk in the room and be staring at a blank phone.

I'd like to hear thoughts on this. Thanks

gossamer

Illbefine wrote: »

Why would a man who is in a relationship be on dating sites?

Because he wants to cheat? Fairly clear from your post, everything you list points to one conclusion. Maybe he hasn't cheated on you yet but he's certainly hedging his bets. He's not even giving you half believable excuses as to who that woman is. And the part about blocking you on Facebook? How is he reasoning that one with you? This man is either a moron or just has little respect for you.

ahnow

I'm sorry to say but being on a dating site alone is not good. If it were me I would finish it with him, he's clearly lying about this girl, and saying he joined the sites because he was bored one day is not good enough for a trusting, committed relationship. He's no good OP.

Big Bag of Chips

So, she's an old friend (who I assume you've never heard about in two years). Yet he only added her on Facebook 2 days ago, just before you found text messages I'm the early hours of the morning. He has a picture of her to ask his brother if he knew who she was? And he's helping her with problems about her ex, even though it seems they only got in contact with each other a few days ago? Has she no other friends she could confide in?

Oh, and he's blocked YOU on Facebook?!!

You know none of it makes sense. If she's an old friend, and has mutual friends with his brother why would he need a photo to ask his brother if he knew her? Could he not just ask him? He's not going to admit anything to you, so it's pointless asking. He's just going to continue lying to you and making you feel like a fool. If he was interested in being honest and admitting he messaged someone because he was a bit bored and curious and a bit of a fool you might be able to work through it. But as long as he keeps treating you like a fool by telling you ridiculous stories then there's no future I'm afraid.

And the more lies he comes up with the more of a fool you will feel for even entertaining them.

GingerLily

The most stand out thing to me is he's blocked you on Facebook?

Illbefine

Sorry, I've been trying to find out how to reply and not sure if this will work. He said he blocked me on fb as he didn't trust me with his friends. I know deep down ye are all right. I even said to him the intent was there. None of it makes sense and yes he is lying.

stargazer 68

He doesn't trust you with his friends so he's blocked you?? Ah here now OP!! Most ridiculous cover up I've ever heard.

Big Bag of Chips

Illbefine wrote: »

He said he blocked me on fb as he didn't trust me with his friends.

??

That makes no sense? When did he block you and what does he suddenly think you are going to do with his friends... On Facebook? And how does blocking you stop whatever it is he thinks you might do??

He's caught rotten now and coming out with all sorts of shyte to get himself out of it. He's so far blamed her, you, his brother and his friends for his own pathetic behaviour.

Tell him to piss off! You'll be heartbroken for a while, but honestly, what's the point in spending another day on a pathetic coward like him? You'll get over it pretty quickly.

Illbefine

Dovies wrote: »

He doesn't trust you with his friends so he's blocked you?? Ah here now OP!! Most ridiculous cover up I've ever heard.

I know... He's probably still friends with her. It all hurts so much. A few months back he was talking about buying a house and having a baby and now this. Maybe he was living all along. I'm a single parent with one child and its hard to function. I don't get out and I feel ill be alone. But he will be out and probably dating.

Illbefine

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

??

That makes no sense? When did he block you and what does he suddenly think you are going to do with his friends... On Facebook? And how does blocking you stop whatever it is he thinks you might do??

He's caught rotten now and coming out with all sorts of shyte to get himself out of it. He's so far blamed her, you, his brother and his friends for his own pathetic behaviour.

Tell him to piss off! You'll be heartbroken for a while, but honestly, what's the point in spending another day on a pathetic coward like him? You'll get over it pretty quickly.

He blocked me just after I questioned him about the texts. I've no idea. It all gears towards that he's guilty of something and that maybe he's afraid I'll get in touch with her? I've thought about it as I looked her up before I questioned him.

Big Bag of Chips

Don't contact her. There's nothing to be gained. You know he's lying. He's flapping around now trying to cover his tracks. I would say finish with him today, and walk away with a bit of dignity. Because all this is leading to him finishing with you and blaming it on you being a 'psycho'.

Walk away with your head held high. You will find someone else down the line. Even if you don't, being on your own is preferable to being treated like dirt by someone who would rather block you and lie to you than hold his hands up and admit he fcked up.

Don't stay with him out of fear of being alone. Because he is going to end it soon anyway.

Edit - the hardest thing will be maintaining a dignified silence, but it's what you need to do. He's already twisting things. Talk to him today (or text him!) end it and then nothing else. Block him on your phone so he can't contact you with more lies and blame.

FitzElla

People in committed relationships do not go on dating websites. This is a huge red flag for me. The story around this girl makes no sense and then deleting text messages sounds like someone covering their tracks. He is in the wrong and has been caught out and is now trying to make it about your reaction. Instead of trying to explain or apologise he has blocked you on Facebook!? That is not normal behavior.

I wouldn't be able to continue in a relationship with someone who put so little value on it that "boredom" is used as an excuse to set up not one, but two dating site profiles.

Illbefine

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Don't contact her. There's nothing to be gained. You know he's lying. He's flapping around now trying to cover his tracks. I would say finish with him today, and walk away with a bit of dignity. Because all this is leading to him finishing with you and blaming it on you being a 'psycho'.

Walk away with your head held high. You will find someone else down the line. Even if you don't, being on your own is preferable to being treated like dirt by someone who would rather block you and lie to you than hold his hands up and admit he fcked up.

Don't stay with him out of fear of being alone. Because he is going to end it soon anyway.

I have text him to meet up to talk about what has happened and he agreed. He has admitted he has fcked up and he is sorry. But it's the lies and trust is gone. Yes he has treated me like dirt. I know it's over I just need the guts to do it and I think I needed to hear opinions of strangers rather than friends opinions.

Thank you so much.

Big Bag of Chips

When you meet him, don't give him too long to talk, because he will twist things, he will come up with excuses and reasons, none of which will be true. He is not going to admit to what he's done. He will admit to what you've caught him out on and will even come up with ridiculous reasons around that.

He's got himself in a mess, and he will do and say whatever to get out of that mess as quickly and easily as possible.

I hope you find the courage to end it. It won't be easy though.

In saying that, if he comes back to you and is 100% honest with you, lays it all out, no excuses then you might have a chance of working it out. But if what he's saying makes no sense, then it's lies.

Illbefine

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

When you meet him, don't give him too long to talk, because he will twist things, he will come up with excuses and reasons, none of which will be true. He is not going to admit to what he's done. He will admit to what you've caught him out on and will even come up with ridiculous reasons around that.

He's got himself in a mess, and he will do and say whatever to get out of that mess as quickly and easily as possible.

I hope you find the courage to end it. It won't be easy though.

In saying that, if he comes back to you and is 100% honest with you, lays it all out, no excuses then you might have a chance of working it out. But if what he's saying makes no sense, then it's lies.

Thank you good advice. I really want the truth but I know I won't get it. It's going to frustrate me so much and for a long time. I'll let you know how I get on.

dory

Illbefine wrote: »

I'm a single parent with one child and its hard to function. I don't get out and I feel ill be alone. But he will be out and probably dating.

Imagine if you had a child with this guy - he'd be exactly the same (most likely). So they'd you have two children and wiould probably have to face the break up then and be alone with two. I'd cut and run.

SouthernBelle

Illbefine wrote: »

I know... He's probably still friends with her. It all hurts so much. A few months back he was talking about buying a house and having a baby and now this. Maybe he was living all along. I'm a single parent with one child and its hard to function. I don't get out and I feel ill be alone. But he will be out and probably dating.

Be grateful that you don't have either with him. You can cut all ties.

forestgirl

If it was me I would not meet with him,you know the truth,I'm not sure I would even bother sending a text and consider yourself very lucky,run in the opposite direction as fast as you can

Guffy

What are the sites called? Depending on the site it would show his intentions

Illbefine

gufc21 wrote: »

What are the sites called? Depending on the site it would show his intentions

Connecting singles and plenty of fish. Both sites he said he was single. He may even be on badoo. She was also on connecting singles. Both profiles are gone now.

batmanrobin

forestgirl wrote: »

If it was me I would not meet with him,you know the truth,I'm not sure I would even bother sending a text and consider yourself very lucky,run in the opposite direction as fast as you can

Second this. You'll gain nothing from meeting with him, other than more head melting lies and BS.

Don't get sucked back in by anything he might say. He's been sniffing around single sites, chatting this to chick, and blocked you on FB. He's no good.

Illbefine

batmanrobin wrote: »

Second this. You'll gain nothing from meeting with him, other than more head melting lies and BS.

Don't get sucked back in by anything he might say. He's been sniffing around single sites, chatting this to chick, and blocked you on FB. He's no good.

Problem is I have to see him as he has all his belongings here. He has to collect them yet. I know full well he is lieing and will fill me with more BS.

mapaca

Stay strong, don't listen to any more of his bull. None of his stories/excuses make sense, he is treating you like a fool. Tell him to send a mate round to collect his belongings. Walk away and don't look back. Better to be single than with someone who doesn't respect you.

Katgurl

Oh op I'm sorry but this is a no-brainer; there is nothing to be salvaged here.

I reallh really feel for you. Two years is a long time to spend with someone and it's hard to give up on a planned future with someone.

But believe me when I say that relationships should not be like this. You shouldn't have to check his messages, wonder what part (if any) of what he's saying is the truth, accept such blatant disrespect.

You have a choice to make here that will impact your whole life; you can choose to not give your greatest gift (your time, company and love) to someone who doesn't value it. You mentioned you have a child; imagine how yog would react if in the future someone treated your child the way this man has treated you. You would flip. Well you are just as deserving of love and respect and this isn't it.

I don't think you should meet him. If you really feel there are things you need to say then decide you will do it in a month when things aren't so raw in your mind. In the meantime, suggest he ask a friend to collect his things.

Walk away with your head held high. He's behaved appallingly but don't let him take your dignity.

Duvetdays

I feel for you I really do. I think you know he's cheating or about to and he'll try twist this all on you if you let him. It's never easy when a relationship ends and I see by your posts you think you're gonna be stuck on your own with a small child. One day in a couple of years when you're in a loving relationship with somebody who respects you you'll look back on this and thank your lucky stars that you didn't buy a house or have a baby with him. Good luck.

Neyite

Illbefine wrote: »

Problem is I have to see him as he has all his belongings here. He has to collect them yet. I know full well he is lieing and will fill me with more BS.

No you don't. You bag it up in a bin bag and you tell him it will be on the doorstep at X time. Or tell him you'll drop it at his brothers/ friends house.

Right now you are hurting, and he's done that to you. You don't need him in your face with his BS and his lies when you are at your most vulnerable and raw with grief over your break up. So if he's got any shred of respect for you he'll stay the hell away and let you lick your wounds.

Big hugs to you.

Cupcake_Crisis

I'm sorry op, but he's in thr process of checking out and is lining up girls. He's doing a horrible, cowardly thing to you.

He blocked you on facebook because he doesn't want you to see what he's up to. He's been caught and he's making up lies.

If it were me, I'd walk away. I know it's not easy after 2 years but if you leave now you can leave with some dignity.

Best of luck op, you deserve better than this.

LegacyUser

I watched a good friend of mine going through some thing similar to you. She knew this guy for years and wanted a proper relationship with him. He was going out with her but keeping his options open. Eventually she caught him lying big time and pulled him up on this.
He then blocked her on facebook. Along with turned around and told people they both knew that she was a bunny boiler. He got a few people he know to block my friend on fb also in case they put up any posts of him.

My friend was very upset over how she was treated. She knew he was keen to have a family and she told me then if he had given us a proper chance I would have considered having a child with him.

This man went on to get a non national pregnant and they broke a few months later. She went back to her home country and had the baby their. Despite having a dna test done that said this child was his he told everyone this child is not mine.

My friend heard recently that he has got another woman pregant and this baby is due shortly.

My friend told me I am so glad things did not work out between us as I know I would have been left bring up his child.

If his stuff is in your house send him a text tell him that one of his friends can collect his stuff and unless it is collected by x date you will give it to a charity shop or dump it.
My feeling is that if he has stuff in your place it gives him a chance to come back into your life at a later date. Some guys think the grass is greener elsewhere but can find out it is not. Next thing they go back to the x expecting them to pick up where they left off.
You deserve better than this. Tell your friends what happend and they will be their for you.

leggo

OP this is a lucky escape. It's palpable from your first post that this guy is a textbook pathological liar, just based on how quickly he has excuses and twists his own indiscretions onto blaming you. You caught yourself a bad egg here, but you also found him out and exposed his lies and are in the process of walking away, so you can hold your head high. Let him go out and date, he's some other unfortunate girl's problem now and you know the hell she'll have to deal with being with him (who knows the lies you didn't find out about) while you learn to love yourself again after this torrid time with this guy.

You'll be fine, he's going to destroy someone's life permanently for his own selfishness, just be happy that someone wasn't you.

Mr. Incognito

I used to be ths guy. Cheating and lying.

He is cheating and lying.

End it

omah

You know you need to end it. Make sure you have friends and family who will rally round to help you with the first few weeks after the break up. You are better off not in a relationship than putting up with his carry on. I hope you can find someone better in the future. Good luck!