Lost my only real friend over 2 euro. Should I apologize?

LegacyUser

Feeling pretty down about something and looking for advice. I was out at the birthday party of one of my old school friends who I don't see much anymore at the weekend and my best pal who I'd see a lot of annoyed me to extent that we haven't spoken since. But I'm feeling pretty depressed and lonely now that we're not talking at all.

My best pal who had the argument with me was at the birthday celebrations. We arrived at the bar and he bought the first drink. Neither of us had a clue about the prices, and he got €8.50 change from €20. He looked surprised when he saw the change.

We then went up and joined the birthday. I was already a little bit tipsy at this stage. My friend, whose birthday it was, informed me that the beer he chose cost just €3.50 a pint. The time came for me to get the next drinks, and I automatically chose the cheaper beer as a sort of instinctive thing because I'm prudent with money.

My mate, who had bought the more expensive one first, didn't look too happy when I told him the beer I bought, and just then it clicked in my mind that his was more expensive. I offered to buy him another one after this, but he said no and I thought that was the end of it. After all, the total difference in cost was €4, so I spent €2 less on his drink than he did on mine. I really didn't think it was an issue.

We continued on into the night, and he had a face like a slapped arse for most of the night. He often becomes petty and argumentative while drunk, but it's usually not towards me, and if I sense pettiness I just smile and make some self-depreciative jokes.

After 2 hours of looking like he hated this night, he decided to leave. I said goodbye to him, and thought that was that. Five minutes later, he sends me this properly pissed off message about him having to pay more than I did for a poxy drink. He was basically insinuating I was being a scabby prick, and despite trying to explain to him that a) it was just €2 and b) I'd offered to rectify it, he then went on to explain I'm always doing thinks like that (I'm not at all).

I was so annoyed by all this, including the fact that he only starts expressing his annoyance after he leaves, that I had to tell him to F. off and block further messages because I probably would've said some other stuff I'd regret.

The thing is, I feel like I was in the right to be annoyed with getting called out as a scab. But I feel **** about ending a friendship with the only real friend I have. Meeting new people at 26 is next to impossible. No matter how many Meetup events one attends, a strong bond never develops from them things.

I guess the advice I'm looking for is should I apologize even though I already did on the night? My principles are telling me I didn't do anything worth fussing about. But on the other hand, I have felt awfully depressed since it happened with the whole bleak future as a result of downright isolation.

If anyone could offer some outside perspective, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

You chose an expensive drink when someone else was paying, three times the price of his, but "instinctively" chose a cheaper beer for him whem you were paying, even though you knew what he was drinking. Even though you knew he'd paid so much on yours. And that was it til he called you on it.
I wouldn't be impressed with that either to be honest.
However he should have had it out instead of sending messages after leaving.
I think you need to apologise here

Neyite

I think you are deliberately muddying the waters with the maths here.

The first round, that he bought, his drink cost 3.50 and yours cost 8.

The second round, that you bought, was 4 euros cheaper in total, with his beer costing 3.50 and yours costing half what it cost the first round: 4 euro.

Do I have that right?

If so, then yes. You were happy to choose the more expensive beer on his wallet but when it came to your round you like to be prudent with your money. That is scabby I'm afraid. It's not 2 euro - but you probably know this. It's the lack of respect.

Has there been previous situations where you let your friends pay more or borrowed money and never paid them back? It possibly might have been the straw that broke the camel's back?

zoobizoo

Buy a six pack of the beer he was drinking.

Call over.

Share the beers.

XsApollo

Did you tell him what drink you wanted when he went up first?
Did it cost 8 euro?
What drink did you get off him?

Then your round you went up and bought him a different beer because it was cheaper?
Or did you buy him the same beer and yourself something different because it was cheaper?

Either of the above scenarios is scabby.
Your willing to drink the expensive drink when he is paying but not when it's from your own wallet.

Or you let him buy you a drink that was more expensive than his and then went up and bought him a different beer because it was cheaper.

I'd say he was giving you a hint when he was pissed at the change from 20.

groovyg

When it was your round why didnt you just buy him the same beer he was drinking or did you even ask him what he was having ? If somebody is drinking gin and tonic you wouldn't go buying them a beer when it's your round just coz it's cheaper you buy them the drink they are having. It sounds like this isn't the first time it's happened and he's has grown fed up of been taken for a mug.

Thebe

Judge Judy would kick ye out of court, this is a total non event, a friendship over 2 euro and "principles"!! Sort it out and ditch the blame game.

roro_1990

Neyite wrote: »

I think you are deliberately muddying the waters with the maths here.

The first round, that he bought, his drink cost 3.50 and yours cost 8.

The second round, that you bought, was 4 euros cheaper in total, with his beer costing 3.50 and yours costing half what it cost the first round: 4 euro.

Do I have that right?

If so, then yes. You were happy to choose the more expensive beer on his wallet but when it came to your round you like to be prudent with your money. That is scabby I'm afraid. It's not 2 euro - but you probably know this. It's the lack of respect.

Has there been previous situations where you let your friends pay more or borrowed money and never paid them back? It possibly might have been the straw that broke the camel's back?

This is utter bullcrap. I'm going to have to defend OP here as everyone commenting seems to enjoy any chance to criticize people, which is often a trend I see on boards.ie seems as if many on here have their own issues they like to project on others.

Also, it doesn't appear anyone bothered to read the post properly. When you're drunk or tipsy, the capacity to think about your decisions before you act is severely impaired. OP mentioned he is prudent with money, which btw, is hardly the negative that some randoms on the net make it out to be. So he bought the cheaper drink without thinking.

He then clearly mentions realizing his mistake and initially offering to buy another drink, which his mate turned down.

I mean, are you all so perfect that you've never acted on instinct and not thought things through properly with a few drinks on you? Utterly pathetic stuff on here, of course getting upvotes from people who have their own issues with people who don't act perfectly regardless of their current mental and physical state.

In the grand scheme of things, you're better off sending another apology OP because it's just easier that way. But I implore you not to listen to the perfectionists on here who equate being prudent and making snap decisions with a few drinks on you as poor form. You acknowledged your error at the time and offered to buy another drink. I think your conscience is clear. And please ignore the herd mentality on here.

BTW, I'd recommend posting elsewhere for a more balanced, reasoned opinion. The people on this site take every chance they can to gang up on people who post stuff like this. Seems have the repliers haven't bothered to read your post. You're automatically a scab, doesn't matter that you ackowledged your error and immediately offered to fix it. Nope, you must just be an opportunistic sleveen.

Ursus Horribilis

In general, do you go on about money and try to look for the cheapest option when you're with your friend? I ask because it's a personality trait which can irk people and have them think less kindly of you. I have an acquaintance who watches his pennies to the extent that he has rubbed people up the wrong way. Possibly even contributed to him falling out with people, though I can't say for sure. One classic example - as a young man he lived in a house share where they decided to take turns cooking a meal for everyone each evening. When it came to his turn, he served up something really cheap that cost a lot less than what the others had spent. Nobody likes to feel someone has done a number on them. Nor do they like to feel that they're with someone who's so interested in the price of everything, that they feel like an eejit if they pay too much for something.

I'm not suggesting that you're like this but I'm trying to give you an insight into the mindset involved. I'd say if there hadn't been drink involved this row might not have blown up. It makes me wonder is it the straw that broke the camel's back? Have you a track record of being less generous or very watchful of bargains etc. ?

As for what to do, I think Zoobizoo's suggestion is the best. Rock up to his door with some of the beers and see what happens.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

In general, do you go on about money and try to look for the cheapest option when you're with your friend? I ask because it's a personality trait which can rub people up the wrong way. I have an acquaintance who watches his pennies to the extent that he has rubbed people up the wrong way. One classic example - as a young man he lived in a house share where they decided to take turns cooking a meal for everyone each evening. When it came to his turn, he served up something really cheap that cost a lot less than what the others had spent. Nobody likes to feel someone has done a number on them. Nor do they like to feel that they're with someone who's so interested in the price of everything, that they feel like an eejit if they pay too much for something.

I'm not suggesting that you're like this but I'm trying to give you an insight into the mindset involved. I'd say if there hadn't been drink involved this row might not have blown up. It makes me wonder is it the straw that broke the camel's back? Have you a track record of being less generous or very watchful of bargains etc. ?

As for what to do, I think Zoobizoo's suggestion is the best. Rock up to his door with some of the beers and see what happens.

Hi. No, when I say I'm prudent with money, I mean I am not rash with it. I never spend silly money on phones or other luxuries, when a cheaper model does the same thing. I don't buy the most expensive seat at the cinema when the view isn't much worse. Stuff like that. Basically, I think before I buy, especially with material and often unneccesary stuff.
Sometimes, my being careful with money creeps in on nights out in terms of not buying flashy expensive cocktails. Just three days prior to this argument, my friend was spending €0.90 per drink less than me, and we were doing rounds--I never said a word about it. I'm surprised being prudent with money is seen as such a negative here tbh, but hey, I'm not gonna try change other's opinions.

The fact is - that it is not a competition in a friendship to remain equal in terms of money spend on each other. A friendship is a continuous thing, whereby the benefits should remain equal in the long-term on a strictly superficial "how much money we spend on each other" level. Taking one isolated incident where I spent less than him on a night out was downright childish, hence my reaction. I think it's pretty bad form in general to calculate how much more one friend has spent on another on a night out; can a true friendship really be reduced to such silliness? As I've mentioned, there's more than a fair share of nights where I've spent more, but I've never so much as given a second thought to it until now because it doesn't matter.

As far as being prudent when I'm out with my friend, no. I've been more than generous to him on multiple occasions, including buying bottles of spirits for us to specifically drink together when I'm away.

I don't want to not be his friend, so I'll probably just get over my own annoyance and consider the triviality of this and apologize in the form of a 6-pack of beer. But I'm sticking firmly to the belief that I didn't do anything wrong. There's a fair bit of judgemental stuff going on here based on the replies I've read. Apparently being sensible is akin to being scabby. But as I've clearly outlined, that's not the case at all.

Anyway, I'll take the advice on board.

roro_1990

Neyite wrote: »

I think you are deliberately muddying the waters with the maths here.

The first round, that he bought, his drink cost 3.50 and yours cost 8.

The second round, that you bought, was 4 euros cheaper in total, with his beer costing 3.50 and yours costing half what it cost the first round: 4 euro.

Do I have that right?

If so, then yes. You were happy to choose the more expensive beer on his wallet but when it came to your round you like to be prudent with your money. That is scabby I'm afraid. It's not 2 euro - but you probably know this. It's the lack of respect.

Has there been previous situations where you let your friends pay more or borrowed money and never paid them back? It possibly might have been the straw that broke the camel's back?

Respect? What in the actual fudge are you on about? OP outlined he was tipsy, and he chose the wrong drink because he tends to not waste money. Have you ever considered from that high horse of yours that people make mistakes sometines? Your reaponse suggests absolutely not. Furthermore, you haven't even bothered taking into account OP immediately, emphasis on immediately, recognised his error and offered to buy another drink. Further still, you make ignorant inferences that he always screws his friends over. Perhaps he just doesn't like pissing away money on material stuff and it carried over to being on a night out in an isolated moment.

Whatever way you want to attack OP in the hope of a few upvotes, he has done absolutely nothing wrong here, and aside from the silly text message exchange, it sounds as if he acted as expected. He couldn't exactly reverse time and choose a more suitably priced drink, could he? He did the next best thing. Admitted his error and offered to buy another. It's extremely trivial and childish thing to get annoyed about, regardless of your ignorant judgement of his character. Utterly awful post. But of course, it gets upvoted by idiots who like to judge people while knowing nothing about them. Apparently it's an unwritten rule of friendship that you've to spend equal cash on rounds on a given night out. Whereas most normal people understand that often they'll either spend less or spend more, as people forget rounds or move on to a pricier drink. I'm genuinely gobsmacked at such pre_judging and disturbing ignorance.

Taltos

Mod Note
Roro - cool your jets.
Posters are welcome to their opinion, you don't have to like it.
Once they give constructive advice in a civil manner that is all we ask.
Your posts though cross the line and if you continue like this you'll be banned in short order.

Hrududu

Question 1: When he bought the drinks did you ask for a more expensive drink?

Question 2: When you bought the drinks did your friend pick the drink you'd buy him or did you just buy him the cheaper drink without asking?

Ursus Horribilis

Thing is, people can be a bit funny about money. I once came across a thread in the Coupons & Living Frugally forum where someone felt they were being shamed for being frugal. It's something that divides opinion but maybe it's something to be mindful of. I'm getting into speculation territory here but perhaps you're unwittingly saying/doing things that makes your friend think you're tight. Perhaps you're giving off vibes and you don't know it? As I said, I'm only speculating here because I don't know you from Adam. Maybe it's worth bearing in mind that there can be a thin line between sensible and scabby.

The sort of things you mentioned have the potential to bother people. For example, let's say I decided to go the cinema and go mad by treating myself to the snack bar. If I was with someone who was tut-tutting about the ridiculous prices, I'd feel uncomfortable and judged, paying over the odds for the popcorn and the bag of Revels. Maybe I wanted to get one of the nice seats but felt I couldn't because my pal was going on about how you see everything the same from the cheaper seats? Anyway, this thread isn't about how you spend your money and how other people do. You certainly don't sound like a scab but as I said, maybe you've said or done things you haven't realised.

On the other side of the fence, maybe it's your friend projecting a bit too. If he's not good with money or has financial worries, he might be annoyed at himself for not being better at it.

LLMMLL

I think you're getting too caught up in apologies and clearing the air. Why not just message him as normal. He may be willing to forget the whole thing without mentioning it further. I really don't see why an apology is necessary. Of course if he feels like making a fuss then you might have to placate him.

Hannibal_Smith

My rule is, always buy back a drink the person bought for themselves. Unless of course they've ordered a rare whisky lol.

Neither of you knew the first round would cost so much, so you didn't deliberately pick the more expensive drink. Neither of you knew there was a cheaper option. But when you found out, you should have bought him the dearer drink and yourself the cheaper one. And then start from scratch on the next round. But like someone else said, the mind doesn't work too logically when there's drink on board! Lol

If your friends reaction was out of sorts, I'd say clearly you're doing something scabby on nights out and this was the final straw for him. But you say that they often get moody on drink, rarely with you, and if it is with you, you have to make self deprecating jokes to get out of it. That doesn't sound like an enjoyable night to me. Anyone who gets moody like that on a night out is out of order. Otherwise you must feel like you're walking on eggshells with them?

You've apologised. You offered to rectify it. If you're sure it's not a regular occurrence where you go the cheaper route on your round while selecting a dearer drink when others are paying, then it seems like a non incident where your friend is out of order. In fact it seems like it's par for the course for him to behave like this? Leaving the pub, going home in a strop and then texting you is childish.

Unless you said something really awful in your reply which requires an apology in itself I would leave the ball in his court. He needs to learn he can't continue acting like this and if he decides to drop you over it, you're better off in the long run. He didn't think that much of you in the end!

Big Bag of Chips

I don't see why this has to end up as 'lost my only friend'. I'd say you're both feeling a little sheepish now over whatever happened. He might have been annoyed but he over reacted, you blocked him to stop yourself replying aggressively.

Can you both not just move on? You were both a bit drunk and had a falling out. Can you not just try forget it, move on and see what happens?

friendissues

friendissues wrote: »

he then went on to explain I'm always doing thinks like that (I'm not at all)

I think you've missed the point.

You (instinctively) bought him a cheap drink which wasn't the one he was even drinking. He believes you're "always doing that".

Whether you like it or not (or whether you believe him or not), this is the problem, not the feckin' few euros difference on the night.

It comes across to me as a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation and if you want to keep him as a friend, it's worth thrashing it out with him.

It's fine to be "sensible" with your own money but "scabby" when it's with someone else's, which was effectively the case here.

And, for the record, I think he was right to "take it outside" rather than bringing it up at his friend's birthday party.

Xterminator

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Can you not just try forget it, move on and see what happens?

Sticking your head in the sand my work, it may not, but you risk losing a friendship for the over a trivial issue that was blown out of proportion.

IMO OP you do owe your friend an apology, but i stress it was trivial and blown out of proportion by your friends action.

I bet if you drop over with the 6 pack of his favourite beer he will apologise too. problem solved.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

I think you've missed the point.

You (instinctively) bought him a cheap drink which wasn't the one he was even drinking. He believes you're "always doing that".

Whether you like it or not (or whether you believe him or not), this is the problem, not the feckin' few euros difference on the night.

It comes across to me as a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation and if you want to keep him as a friend, it's worth thrashing it out with him.

It's fine to be "sensible" with your own money but "scabby" when it's with someone else's, which was effectively the case here.

And, for the record, I think he was right to "take it outside" rather than bringing it up at his friend's birthday party.

You've missed the point because you haven't even bothered to read either the original post or my subsequent replies. you seem to just enjoy judging people on the net without evidence to back up your one-eyed comments. He doesn't believe I'm always doing that, because I don't always do it. You're making inferences based on information that hasn't even been provided by me; I've never stated this was an ongoing thing because it simply isn't.

I explicitly stated in one reply that we spend differing amounts on each other on different nights. Sometimes I spend more than him, sometimes he spends more than me; it's that bloody simple. Often, many times actually, I've been on the other side but never said anything to him about it because it's not an issue for me. I've shared entire bottles of spirits with him that cost me a sh*tload of money and got nothing in return because I don't see it as some kind of competition to remain equal. I've bought him cocktails while his round reverts to beer.

Reducing friendships to calculating how much money we're spending on each other on a given night is extremely depressing, especially when the difference at the time was a few euro. He took something that was a continuous part of being mates and made it into an isolated incident. I wouldn't mind his reaction so much if I wasn't often spending more than him. But alas, people on here just jump to the conclusion that I'm a scab because of one night.

LegacyUser

Moderators: I request you close this discussion now. I've seen enough and got what I needed out of this thread. Thanks.

Neyite

friendissues wrote: »

You've missed the point because you haven't even bothered to read either the original post or my subsequent replies. you seem to just enjoy judging people on the net without evidence to back up your one-eyed comments. He doesn't believe I'm always doing that, because I don't always do it. You're making inferences based on information that hasn't even been provided by me; I've never stated this was an ongoing thing because it simply isn't.

I explicitly stated in one reply that we spend differing amounts on each other on different nights. Sometimes I spend more than him, sometimes he spends more than me; it's that bloody simple. Often, many times actually, I've been on the other side but never said anything to him about it because it's not an issue for me. I've shared entire bottles of spirits with him that cost me a sh*tload of money and got nothing in return because I don't see it as some kind of competition to remain equal. I've bought him cocktails while his round reverts to beer.

Reducing friendships to calculating how much money we're spending on each other on a given night is extremely depressing, especially when the difference at the time was a few euro. He took something that was a continuous part of being mates and made it into an isolated incident. I wouldn't mind his reaction so much if I wasn't often spending more than him. But alas, people on here just jump to the conclusion that I'm a scab because of one night.

You both perhaps are quite similar in that you'd be price-concious and prudent and when you have to pay more on a given night than your friend did it's noticeable because you are similarly minded?

In that case, maybe approach him and suggest you both no longer do rounds when you are out together - you each buy your own and you both know where you stand. And if you are say, ordering pizza or booking something on line, you go halves on it rather than an unspoken reciprocal agreement. This might be the way to a more harmonious friendship.