Mother and might lose long term partner.

pinkyx

I have recently had to move back home to live with my mother as she is very ill. She spent 4 months in hospital and is a lot better now but still needs my care. Hopefully there will come a time when I can move out again but there is little prospect of that on the next two year.

I am going through the worst time in my life right now terrified that I might lose her. I don't have any brothers and sisters and don't have a father so my mum is all of my immediate family and we are very close.

When my mum first came down ill, Unexpectedly, I literally packed a small bag and got the train to my home town, i lived in a much larger city before this. Little did I know then that I would end up never going back permanently again, I left my job, my friends and my boyfriend of 6 years. And this is where my main problem now lies.

When I first decided I couldn't come back, my partner was 100% behind me and we made a plan for him to move up here, later on with me. He wanted to support me and we have a Great relationship which neither of us wanted to lose. I didn't mind becomeing my mums carer bit I don't mind the prospect of losing him. We had so many plans, plans to start a family next year, plans to get our own home. We were always going leave the city this year but we were planning on my home town, which is quite rural and not very exciting. We don't have to be here for ever though.

Anyway, all was going well. My mum made improvements. Me and my partner having been living In Separate cities for about 6 months now but we talk on the phone everyday and meet up as regularly as we can. He is massively busy with work and I have care responsibilities so we have not always seen each other as much as we would like. Recently I havr felt like we were becoming distant, he has been drinking quite a lot and hanging out with a slightly different crowd to the one we knew. Nothing too dramatic but there has been a change in his behaviour. I put this too him and he said he might be becoming depressed, i told him i would support him with this, and we said we would spend more time together as we both felt we might be drifting apart slightly and he said he felt lonely at times.

Anyway, this week I was with him and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. He doesn't know of he wants to move to my home town, he just can't see himself there he says and will miss the city and his friends. I can understand this but I don't know where it leaves me. I was pretty upset about this and told him i didn't see how our relationship could work unless we lived together again as we were drifting already. He agreed. It said he doesn't want to lose me. After extensive talking he decided that he would move to my home city in order to keep the relationship with me, he wants to start a family still and he says he still wants a life with me. He didn't realise by saying that he didn't want to move here that i would see it as the end of the relationship. He also says he feels quite tied down at the moment and it's stressing him out not knowing what to do. We talked it out but I can see he still has massive doubts.

I am now massively insecure and terrified that our relationship will end. He is the best thing in my life right now and I love him so much. I believe he loves me too. I have told him to go to the doctor and talk about depression because I think that's part of it. But I am just so scared to lose him. I don't feel like there is much I can do? I can't leave my mum alone to move back. What does everyone think? Is it just natural to have doubts when making a big step like this? Or am
I wasting my time here?

Big Bag of Chips

It could be that he's had a taste of the single life again and is finding that he's enjoying it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't see a future with you, at some stage, but for now he's still enjoying the new found freedom.

All you can continue to do is talk it out until you are blue in the face, but someone is going to have to compromise for the relationship to continue. If neither of you are willing to, or can because of circumstances, then it might happen that it will come to an end.

Keep talking.

racso1975

Hey pinkyx,

Sorry to hear about your man but good she is making a recovery.

In relation to your partner moving. How far from each other are you now? How far from work will he be?

It could be the anxiety of the above. Of moving away from friends and not knowing anybody but you. Also it could be moving on with your mother that's freaking him out a bit. Has any of the above been discussed?

pinkyx

Thanks

Yes I think having a taste the single life is part of the issues, I also think we have drifted apart a bit with the distance. We have said we are going to spend more time together and hopefully this will help. We always had such a stable relationship, others used to be envious of or closeness. We often used to remark that we had the most stable relationship of anyone we knew.

It seems such a shame if circumstance separates us.

Right now I am on tenterhooks thinking all of my plans for the future are about to be taken away. I don't know how I would cope with that on top of everything else.

pinkyx

Rasco, yes all of that was discussed. He has assured me that he loves my mum and wouldn't mind living with her. They do get on well. But I can see it's not really ideal.

We are currently a 2 hour train journey apart. But it's expensive. Neither of us drive, I am learning now. I have lived in big cities (in various parts of the world) my whole adult life so I never needed too.

Work wise, he is quite lucky because he has an unusual job on the arts. He works for himself but travels a lot. While my home town isn't exactly thriving for his like of work, I think he'd get by. He would have little outgoings at my mums house.

I think leaving his friends and currently lifestyle is his main problems, that and the magnity of the change.

There's part of my that says it's natural to have these doubts, he is not ruling it out completely it's just doubts.

Xterminator

Hi OP

i read you post carefully, and im going to give you my blunt opinion, for what its worth.

nowhere do you acknowledge the sacrifices you are asking you partener to make.

you left at short notice and did what every decent child would do. But the downside is this left your partner lonely and depressed. (probably you were lonely too) and your plans for the future put on hold.

My reading of the situation is you want your partner to give up their dream job, and prospects in new town would be slim & it will result in him to having give up his friends; or at least up with meeting them on any regular basis. and you have basically said its my way or the high way? EG move or its finished.

No option of moving your mum to where he lives now? No compromise possible? if you were driving that might make a difference ?
Have you let him know you understand that he is offering to make big sacrifices for the sake of the relationship? Are they wise sacrifices to make? you realise that he will have no social outlet outside of you in this town. Could be very hard for him.

pinkyx

Xterminator thanks for the reply. I do appreciate the sacrifice my partner is making here, I can understand that it might not have sounded that way from my post, but I only had so much space and felt like I was writing too much as it was! He knows how greatful I am too have him, when I had to make the decision not to come back I called his straight away and we discussed it because I didn't want to lose him. At the time he said that I wouldn't and agreed to come up here to love, it was as much his idea as mine at the time. I do know it's a big thing though.

I am not expecting him to leave his dream job. I wouldn't really call his currently work his dream job, he doesn't like a lot of it. But either way, he can continue his work here. It might involve some changes and maybe less work but he can do it. I would be prepared to help and support him on this. Possible employment isn't really the issue, I don't think.

I know I did leave him alone and he did become depressed. Both of us did. But I really has no choice, I just couldn't leave my mum. I just thought we were strong enough to withstand this.

Neyite

Maybe you are looking at it as a stark choice and you don't need it to be?

Is it an option to move your mum in with you both nearer to the original city? If there are ongoing health issues them maybe being closer to health services or specialists might ease things a bit. Plus you can get on with your plans -maybe slower than you originally thought, but still- of having a home, and family together.

Is her condition something that you can talk to her about in terms of what changes you both can make to accommodate her limitations now - such as selling up and getting something more suited to her new needs? Not an easy conversation I grant you, but you say you are very close so it will be a little bit easier than some. And chances are it's something she's been thinking of a lot in her hospital bed all those months but maybe doesn't want to suggest she move in with you for fear that you'd feel obligated to do something you don't want to do. Try to talk to her. You might get over this health concern in the next couple of years, and that is great. But I'm sure it's given her a wake up call in some ways too that she might need to prepare for the day when she does need constant, permanent care.

Great that you are learning to drive - keep with it and get that licence. It really gives you so much freedom and flexibility which you sorely need right now.