Afraid of future after break-up

LegacyUser

I really don't know where to start here at all.

I having been living with my ex for a couple years now (never married). We have a child and were struggling to get on our feet financially andcc Dublin rents are crazy. Our child was diagnosed with a condition which meant for last couple years moving out of Dublin was a risk because HSE and waiting lists etc. This is no longer an issue now. Suffice to say I cannot afford to rent in Dublin on my own plus pay childcare so I in process of trying to relocate back down country to where I am originally from. I have a permanent job but salary doesn't go far enough for two but the job worked from point of view of our child i.e. I can both drop her off in morning and collect in the evening, bring her to appointments, take day off when she is sick and employer is very flexible compared to previous experiences.

Regarding our child my ex pays half the childcare bill and that is it. (Rent, bills are 50:50) According to him child benefit covers everything else. I put a stop to putting child benefit into joint account when after my maternity leave I wasn't able to fully cover my half and I had to pay him back the difference afterwards. My Ex has always earned more then me as he is a few years older and was more established in his career when we met. He is now in the position to buy a house and I although relieved to be moving away from him but I am afraid as I don't have a deposit for a house like he has. His attitude is why not and I have broken it down to him that child benefit doesn't cover everything. Back before it ended if we went out for a sandwich I would pay my portion and our child's portion and he would pay his. He gives out about her not having enough extra-curricular activities and yet is unwilling to pay for them himself.

Very estranged from my family but they seem to be willing to get over the fact I had a child outside of marriage as its been a couple years since we spoke.

I am afraid of the immediate future. He used the ****ty living arrangement (ie shared rent and bills) to save for his future and now believes our child should live with him as he is buying a house and he can offer more security. He has never once got her up in morning for school, or made her lunch, collected her from childminder, helped with homework, made her dinner, brought her to training, bought a present for a friends birthday party. He literally plays with her sometimes when he is not too tired. He is starting to pass remarks that I am poisoning her against him as me and her are very close as we spend alot of time together. I don't believe in putting her in middle of this she is only a child and it will only harm her well-being if I criticise him or bad mouth him so I just don't do it. It cuts deep when he tells me I am a bad mother and have failed our child because I am not in a position to buy a house.

I know this is only one side of it and he has his side. I am far from perfect but I try to be the best mother I can be. How do others deal with the process of breaking up.

LLMMLL

It sounds like a very messy situation. I don't have much experience with this situation but it sounds like some sort of official process would serve you best. Basically, court approved custody and financial support from your ex.

I realise it is your side of the story that is being given, but I'm getting a vibe that your ex is a bit bullying/controlling and you don't stand up to him. Is that the case?

cbyrd

afraidfuture wrote:

I know this is only one side of it and he has his side. I am far from perfect but I try to be the best mother I can be. How do others deal with the process of breaking up.

As above, you either need to engage in mediation or go down the official court appointed access and maintenance route.
Get some legal advice asap.
Because you were not married he does not have automatic guardianship unless you made this official in earlier days.
Something else he might want to straighten out.
Messy road ahead but worth making it official as you have comeback.

irishgirl19

cbyrd wrote:

As above, you either need to engage in mediation or go down the official court appointed access and maintenance route. Get some legal advice asap. Because you were not married he does not have automatic guardianship unless you made this official in earlier days. Something else he might want to straighten out. Messy road ahead but worth making it official as you have comeback.

I think the guardianship law has changed. Dad will have automatic guardianship so long as he was cohabiting with mam and child for 1 year after January 2016

Jurgen Klopp

irishgirl19 wrote: »

I think the guardianship law has changed. Dad will have automatic guardianship so long as he was cohabiting with mam and child for 1 year after January 2016

Correct