Questioning my sexual orientation and it's really getting me down

foxylaydee

I've been questioning my sexual orientation for some time now. Overall, it's really been getting me down. I'm a woman and I believe I'm straight.


However, people think I am a lesbian because I check out women. I have a very low self-esteem/self-confidence. I tend to compare myself to others.
I think that my pupils dilate when I'm checking a woman out. Which, would seem as if I'm sexually attracted to them. Even though, I have no thoughts- romantic or sexual about being with a woman at all.

I've been with men before and I've been very happy. I got all the feelings/reactions that I should get.

Would appreciate any help/advice.

athtrasna

foxylaydee wrote: »

I've been questioning my sexual orientation for some time now. Overall, it's really been getting me down. I'm a woman and I believe I'm straight.


However, people think I am a lesbian because I check out women. I have a very low self-esteem/self-confidence. I tend to compare myself to others.
I think that my pupils dilate when I'm checking a woman out. Which, would seem as if I'm sexually attracted to them. Even though, I have no thoughts- romantic or sexual about being with a woman at all.

I've been with men before and I've been very happy. I got all the feelings/reactions that I should get.

Would appreciate any help/advice.

The best advice I can give you is to thine own self be true. You don't need labels or borders. It is nobody's business but yours. Relax and enjoy.

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, I'm a woman and I check out other women all the time. I don't think there's any harm in it and it doesn't make me question my sexuality. I think it's healthy to appreciate beauty in all its forms.

bee06

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Op, I'm a woman and I check out other women all the time. I don't think there's any harm in it and it doesn't make me question my sexuality. I think it's healthy to appreciate beauty in all its forms.

Same here. I'm married (to a man) but I can still appreciate a beautiful woman and will often point them out to my husband. It sounds like the only reason you are doubting yourself is because of someone else's opinion. Who cares what this person thinks. What matters is how you feel.

foxylaydee

The thing is it seems to be the opinion of many.

I would usually be of the opinion that your thoughts influence your behaviour. For me, in this case it seems to be the reverse.

eviltwin

foxylaydee wrote: »

The thing is it seems to be the opinion of many.

I would usually be of the opinion that your thoughts influence your behaviour. For me, in this case it seems to be the reverse.

Tell them to do one, childish individuals.

It's completely natural to admire people of the same sex and even find them sexy. It doesn't mean you want to be intimate with them.

You've already said you don't feel a sexual attraction to women so it's safe to say you are not gay.

baby and crumble

Did you post on this topic in the LGBT forum OP? I stand by what I said int hat thread, the only person who knows exactly who or what you find sexually attractive is you.

I'm as gay as Christmas but very intereted in menswear. I'll give most guys the once over to see what they're wearing. Doesn't mean I fancy them- just their outfit!

Also, you'd want to be looking fairly closely at someone to notice if their pupils dilate at a given time. That seems like a a weird explanationon their part for their assumption tbh.

JackTaylorFan

Yeah, the pupil observation thing is very odd. Unless you are a participant in a scientific study on the effects of attraction, it is very strange that anyone would be looking that closely at your pupils.

Oh, yes. And nothing you have said suggests you are gay.

Xterminator

Hi OP

nothing you have said would lead anyone to think you are gay. however some studies suggest it not gay or stright but a sliding scale.

in 1948 the kinsey scale was introduced, and while its old now, it is an important concept that you are not gay or straight, but somewhere on the scale.

foxylaydee

Thanks for the replies.

"I can see it in her eyes"-is what most people say about me being a lesbian. I must look as if I am attracted to a woman when I look at some of them.

I just can't figure out how so many people think I'm a lesbian when I don't have those thoughts at all. Is it something that I just haven't twigged... that I'm not fully conscious of yet and so not thinking of it but it's there in my subconscious or something. One woman randomly came onto me years ago in a nightclub, I brushed her off and she was still determined and said "it's within you..(lesbianism)....you'll think of me in years to come" :-(

Is it because I haven't really "experimented" properly with anyone yet (cringe). Not because I didn't want to, because I really have wanted to- just more of fear of STD's, pregnancies..etc. Is that when my thoughts change when I start experimenting with everyone and anything?

I'm just totally confused and as I said... the thoughts of having to end up with another woman is getting me down.

zoobizoo

I remember being hit on in my teens and twenties by guys who thought I was gay.

I also remember people thinking that I was gay because I was quiet.... yes, because I was shy and did a fair bit of people watching people for some reason presumed I was gay.

I had lads seriously hit on me which got a bit annoying but it never made me question my sexuality because I never fancied men.

Are you one of these people who stares at others but kind of forgets that they're staring and gets caught doing it?


You don't have to end up with a woman and you won't because by your own admission (not that you need to admit it) you're straight!

foxylaydee

Wow... lol

zzobiezoo- you've just made me smile!

Yes, I can be very quiet.. but a bit more talkative when I get to know the person. I was in a group once and they staff were bitching across the table about me "she's very very quiet" and the other one said "that might be because she's gay". lol. I was quiet because I was new and felt seriously intimidated by stronger personalities that were all already well acquainted with one another.

Yes, I have a tendency to day dream, spot stare as I get anxious and I really worry about what other people think of me.. e.t.c. Sometimes I look at a person randomly, look away, start daydreaming and that same person has moved somewhere else (and I haven't noticed them move) and I'm like oohhh a distraction and I look. Then I realise it's the same person. :-(

I also have a tendency to watch what other people are doing too to copy them because I'm unsure of myself.

Ugh, I sound like a total weirdo... :-(

Dublin Pintman

How do you mean you 'check out women'? Also, would you describe your appearance as feminine? If not, that may be the problem.

zoobizoo

Sounds just like I used to be.

Have you ever spoken with a professional about your esteem etc?

I always recommend a book called The Feeling Good HAndbook By David Burns ... lots of practical advice in there for you.


Once you figure out the type of person you are and the types of people you like to spend time with, the types of places you like going and the activities you enjoy, you'll feel more at ease in yourself.

What age are ya?


BTW, I once had a lad try to start a fight with me because I was too quiet...

foxylaydee

My appearance is always feminine, but I know there are stereotypes of the butch/androgynous lesbian. I like dressing elegantly, wearing nice make-up..etc.

That's what people say- that i "check out women". It must be that I look people up and down. I compare myself to other women a lot and really wish I was as slim, toned, pretty or as confident as them.

Dublin Pintman

foxylaydee wrote: »

My appearance is always feminine, but I know there are stereotypes of the butch/androgynous lesbian. I like dressing elegantly, wearing nice make-up..etc.

That's what people say- that i "check out women". It must be that I look people up and down. I compare myself to other women a lot and really wish I was as slim, toned, pretty or as confident as them.

Unless you are sexually attracted to other women then you're straight. Sounds more like you're surrounded by some toxic people who are taking out their insecurity on you because you maybe you come across as timid and weak

You need to learn stand up for yourself. Next time someone calls you a lesbian, tell them to **** off.

Having re-read your op, you're obviously not gay. You sound like someone who's being bullied and is letting it get to them pretty badly.

bee06

Dublin Pintman wrote: »

Unless you are sexually attracted to other women then you're straight. Sounds more like you're surrounded by some toxic people who are taking out their insecurity on you because you maybe you come across as timid and weak

You need to learn stand up for yourself. Next time someone calls you a lesbian, tell them to **** off.

Having re-read your op, you're obviously not gay. You sound like someone who's being bullied and is letting it get to them pretty badly.

Yes, completely this!

OP, all of the things you have described are things that I do or used to do when I was in my early 20's. I was super quite, used to get caught "staring" at people when I was actually just staring into space. Definitely used to look at women with envy because I wasn't happy with my own body. I'm definitely not gay and none of these things suggest you're gay.

foxylaydee

A couple were beside me in a public place. I felt like I knew the girl through work and was curious to see who it was- I was looking at her face. The guy caught me looking and said to his girlfriend "that girl is blatantly checking you out". I genuinely wasn't interested in her in any romantic/sexual way but just nosy. :-S

I'm posting on another forum- dieting/fitness forum with regards to how to stay on track and not get down about stuff and throw the diet/fitness plan out the window. It seems as if they also recommend that too- counselling. As opposed to a personal trainer. lol Like, I'm not really badly overweight but I can barely look at myself in the mirror. Even though, numerous people have told me that I'm nice looking.

I don't go out that much, even though I'd like to sometimes. I just feel like it's a vicious circle. I want to make friends but fear that if I ask a girl for her number she'll think I'm coming on to her. Like, even if I walk up to a new female group they seem to be wary about even talking to me for fear I'll like pounce on them or something. I think I people watch and judge to see if they will be o.k. to talk to. Then when we start talking they all start to talk about their boyfriends/ husbands. Almost to make sure that i won't get any ideas. This isn't just a once off it's all the time. I've watched other more confident people join the group and there's been a different atmosphere when they've joined and no mention of boyfriends/husbands.

Maybe it's my confidence that's the issue. She looks quiet/weird/odd/ uncomfortable in a group of women so that means she's probably a lesbian.

I found with the good counsellers that they don't want to keep me on their file for too long. I mean I understand that people have much worse problems then me and are more urgent. I just feel that I don't have anyone that will want to listen to me. This is why forums like these are an absolute God send.

Zoobiezoo, I'm in my late 20's and really I should be certain of this now. I think it's a whole package though. I've been rejected from interviews so many times. I've picked at everything that they could possibly not hire me for and tried working on it.

Actually, I'm also wondering about when I'm listening to people. I look at them because I'm really focusing on what they are saying. Of course, they think thats another lesbian trait and I hear them complain about it. I'm wondering if I've got like a comprehension issue. :-S

Anyway, these comments are really making me relaxed/reassured. thank you.

bee06

foxylaydee wrote: »

Actually, I'm also wondering about when I'm listening to people. I look at them because I'm really focusing on what they are saying. Of course, they think thats another lesbian trait and I hear them complain about it. I'm wondering if I've got like a comprehension issue.

Are people actually saying this kind of thing to you? Because it's not "a lesbian trait". There is no such thing as lesbian traits apart from being sexually attracted to women.

foxylaydee

No they don't say it's a "lesbian trait" but they do complain "she keeps staring at me".

bee06

foxylaydee wrote: »

No they don't say it's a "lesbian trait" but they do complain "she keeps staring at me".

And you are making an assumption about why this is making them uncomfortable. Most people do feel uncomfortable with excessive eye contact but that little voice in your head (we all have it btw) is putting this whole extra story around it.

You sound quite intense and maybe you need to just take a metaphorical step back when talking to people. And as you know already, work on building up your self confidence for your own sake, not because it will change how people think about you.

foxylaydee

Well, I think most people seem to assume I'm a lesbian. So, it seems like they may think that's just another thing that I'm checking them out. My head down in a staff room, looking at the table isn't good either... :-S

I'm sorry I didn't think I was intense. I get into a panic about things. I feel that I don't talk enough and that really I should. It's easier on here seeing as I have time to think about what I've to say.

bee06

foxylaydee wrote: »

Well, I think most people seem to assume I'm a lesbian. So, it seems like they may think that's just another thing that I'm checking them out. My head down in a staff room, looking at the table isn't good either... :-S

"I think" being the key phrase here. We all think things that aren't necessarily true. I used to think I wasn't smart enough. That was rubbish. I used to think I wasn't pretty enough ... also rubbish. Just because the little voice tells us things doesn't make it true, the same way just because other people say things doesn't make them true.

OP - I think most people look at other members of the same sex. There are many times where I'd see someone and think, "damn, he's one sexy motherf*cker", but it doesn't mean I'd want to have sex with him. Unless it was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Seriously though, even if you might be bi-sexual, then that's OK. Life is too short to be worrying about things like that.

Dial Hard

foxylaydee wrote:

That's what people say- that i "check out women". It must be that I look people up and down. I compare myself to other women a lot and really wish I was as slim, toned, pretty or as confident as them.

foxylaydee wrote:

A couple were beside me in a public place. I felt like I knew the girl through work and was curious to see who it was- I was looking at her face. The guy caught me looking and said to his girlfriend "that girl is blatantly checking you out". I genuinely wasn't interested in her in any romantic/sexual way but just nosy. :-S

It sounds to me as if your social "passivity", for want of a better word, is just a little bit off. We all do the things you've described - staring into space, playing "place the face" - all the time but it sounds as if you get "caught" doing it a lot.

kylith

Dublin Pintman wrote: »

Unless you are sexually attracted to other women then you're straight. Sounds more like you're surrounded by some toxic people who are taking out their insecurity on you because you maybe you come across as timid and weak

You need to learn stand up for yourself. Next time someone calls you a lesbian, tell them to **** off.

Having re-read your op, you're obviously not gay. You sound like someone who's being bullied and is letting it get to them pretty badly.

The only thing I disagree with Pintman on is don't tell them to fck off, tell them 'You wish'.