My relationship is not progressing

LegacyUser

I've been in a relationship with a great guy for the past five years, though lately it's been getting me down that things don't seem to be going anywhere. There are a few issues:

We're not living together. We have discussed it but basically we're both living at home at the moment as neither of us are financially stable. We are both late twenties but both only went back to college in the past few years and both graduated last Autumn. I've only recently started working, but not in the field I studied and only for min wage. He worked all along but his income varies greatly week to week. Because of this we are both reluctant to take the leap, afraid that we will really struggle to pay rent and live.

The other very important point is that I am a single mother with a seven year old from a previous relationhip whose father is not on the scene at all. My daughter and boyfriend get on great and we do days out etc all together but he's still not exactly in a "daddy" role and I think we are both apprehensive about taking that step.

They way things are at the minute, me parenting alone, work and other commitments, we don't get any quality time as a couple and our sex life is non exsistant at this stage. This has got t to the point I've recently feared we are moving into friendship territory.

I know we both want this to work and we are both on the same page about wanting to have a future together.

I feel as if something doesn't give to move this relationship on soon, that there is not much point on being in a relationship at all. I'm feeling frustrated with the way things are and yet afraid to make any movement at all.

Has anyone been in this situation or have any advice? I'm feeling really down over it.

osarusan

When you talk about 'progressing' and 'moving the relationship on', what do you mean?

Things like moving in together maybe? But you seem to be happy that there is a legitimate reason that hasn't happened.

Overall, this part of your post seems the most important to me:

I know we both want this to work and we are both on the same page about wanting to have a future together.

If you both feel this way, the relationship still seems to be pretty solid.

PistolsAtDawn

Two pieces of advice from a man who has gone through something similar to this before:

(1) Next time your alone with him, just jump on him and go at it, he won't complain and if he does you need to do some thinking

(2) Explain to him exactly how you feel, why you feel this way etc... Don't play games and drop hints etc... just tell him straight out how you feel. Then ask for his perspective

Airyfairy12

I think you answered your own question. You cant move in together because you cant afford too, very common situation these days. Youre reluctant about taking that step of deepening the relationship between him and your daughter.

Economic/financial circumstances are a huge problem for most people under 30 as theyre the ones that took the bulk of the financial problems, rent is insane, theres no chance of buying a house, jobs are still scarce and mostly temporary with wages that dont cover the cost of living. Your situation is neither his or your fault.

Could your parents/childs dad or another family member mind your daughter for a weekend? maybe you and your partner could go for a mini holiday down the country for a few days to reconnect.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to talk to him. That's the only way to know what's happening and where you are both going. Moving in together doesn't seem like an option at the moment.

Also, him stepping into a "daddy role" doesn't necessarily have to be, at all. Is her dad involved in her life? I'm step mother to a now grown up 'child'. I've known her since she was 4. I never, ever stepped in to 'mammy role' with her. Never! She had a mother and she had a father. All I did was be another adult in her life, maybe more like an aunt. We still have a very good relationship, but I never tried to be her mother. If you end up living together then maybe your partner will have to become more of a parent and be involved in discipline etc but that is something to figure out when it's happening. Every family will be different and will do what works for them.

All you can do is talk to him and see how he's feeling. If you're not happy it's likely he's not exactly thrilled with the setup either.

osarusan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Is her dad involved in her life? I'm step mother to a now grown up 'child'. I've known her since she was 4. I never, ever stepped in to 'mammy role' with her. Never! She had a mother and she had a father.

She said the father 'isn't on the scene at all.'

Big Bag of Chips

Ok. But I still don't think it makes a difference. You cannot force a person into a parenting role. Maybe if it happens organically once you are all living together fair enough. But for now that's not the dynamic of your relationship. And for now you seem to think they have a nice relationship together. So I don't see any reason to try to adjust that.

Your relationship with him and progressing that and establishing yourselves properly should be your focus at the moment rather than expecting him to take on a 'daddy role'.

Well, in my opinion anyway.

LegacyUser

Hi, op here again. Thanks for all your replies.

I can't get on a break away with him because my mother minds my daughter while I'm working so I can't expect anything more of her really. I have nobody else to ask.

If myself my daughter and my boyfriend go out together it actually feels like we're a proper family. My daughter and boyfriend have a terrific bond, she has actually asked me if he can be her stepdad... A bit awkward!

I guess I'm just worried that the whole family idea won't work out in reality and so that reason I really have my guard up about it, I'm afraid to try.

I know he would have no issues at all stepping into a parenting role, its more my issue really. I think this fear of change is holding me back more than finances to be honest. He has asked me a few times to move in together in the past year.

When I've turned this down he has talked about him moving abroad to work or study and I can't blame him really, there's nothing progressing for him here in that way. I'm afraid it will all slip away if that happens, even though neither of us want it to.

I feel like this has gone as far as it can go within these circumstances, both of us are frustrated with how things are.

I know we need a serious talk about things but I'm not even sure how that can change anything. I'm don't even how to go about bringing the whole thing up with him.

osarusan

Have you by any chance been hurt badly before?

It sounds to me like he is ready for things to progress (especially in terms of moving in together), but you are hesitant about it, maybe thinking along the lines of 'if you don't get too committed, you can't get too hurt'.

But you still realise that if things don't progress, there's a danger of him deciding he wants out of the relationship.

Corvo

The only things that seem to be holding back the relationship seems to be your financial situation, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh - but you. He seems more than willing to move it along.

Big Bag of Chips

Your first post, and the title of your thread make it sound like the problem is your relationship isn't progressing as much as you want it to. Your second post makes it sound like the problem is you don't want the relationship to progress as much as your bf wants it to.

I think you need to think about what you want. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your bf. Anything less than that is unfair on both of you. It's completely natural to have doubts, fears, reservations. What makes a couple and what makes a good relationship is being able to talk through these fears and worries and to get reassurance or to get support. Also talking things out, coming up with various scenarios can go along way towards minimising the worries.

There's no guarantees in life. None. But that doesn't mean you should spend your life holding back for fear of something not working out.

LegacyUser

Op here again!

I've done a lot of thinking since I last posted here and you're right, it is me holding things back out of fear.
I had a long talk with my boyfriend and I'm feeling a whole lot more secure about a possible move. He told me that he loves my daughter as his own and would love nothing more than for us all to be a proper family.

Finances are still a problem right now but he has two interviews coming up for good jobs that would allow us to move if he is successful in either of them.

What I should have mentioned is that my mam and uncle own a house together that they inherited from their parents. This house is lying empty for the past 6 years and would be perfect for us. If they allowed us move in they wouldn't be too hard on us in terms of rent.

I don't know how to go about sounding this idea out with my mother because I know she would be unhappy about me leaving her home with my daughter. She can be really overprotective of us even though I'm in my late twenties!

I'm not too sure what my next move should be...

dory

NotProgressing wrote: »

Op here again!

I've done a lot of thinking since I last posted here and you're right, it is me holding things back out of fear.
I had a long talk with my boyfriend and I'm feeling a whole lot more secure about a possible move. He told me that he loves my daughter as his own and would love nothing more than for us all to be a proper family.

Finances are still a problem right now but he has two interviews coming up for good jobs that would allow us to move if he is successful in either of them.

What I should have mentioned is that my mam and uncle own a house together that they inherited from their parents. This house is lying empty for the past 6 years and would be perfect for us. If they allowed us move in they wouldn't be too hard on us in terms of rent.

I don't know how to go about sounding this idea out with my mother because I know she would be unhappy about me leaving her home with my daughter. She can be really overprotective of us even though I'm in my late twenties!

I'm not too sure what my next move should be...

For one thing tell her the house insurance on the empty house might be null and void unless they have someone living in it. Unless they've paid the extra bit for an empty house. Worked for a friend of mine whose family member was glad of them moving in and minding the place. Sure you can tell her she can visit whenever she likes, you have to move on some day.

Big Bag of Chips

NotProgressing wrote: »

I know she would be unhappy about me leaving her home with my daughter. She can be really overprotective of us even though I'm in my late twenties!

I'm not too sure what my next move should be...

Your next move needs to be towards independence from your mother. You're an adult now, but in her eyes you're still her child. For as long as you are dependent on her, for childcare, for accommodation then she will always see you as a dependant child. You need to try improve your employment situation. It's not enough to depend on your bf to change job and earn more to support you, you need to be looking towards your own future too.

Late 20s, graduated from college last year and working a minimum wage job isn't going to make becoming independent from your mother easy!

I know the job market is still a tough place, but you went back to college obviously to study a particular area, but are not working in that area... Are you trying? Have you been trying? Are you interested in finding work in that area?

It's daunting to take that leap, but for your own sake, your daughter's, your mother's and your relationship's, you need to push yourself towards it. Your bf can't do it for you. Your mother won't do it for you! It's up to you.

LegacyUser

so in summary
- your sex life is non existent
- you've rejected his offers to move in together

why would he want to progress this relationship?