Wife hurting

Hoppy32007v

Quick background. Living together 1 year. Married less than 1 year.

I have hurt and upset my wife emotionally. She snooped on my phone and read a conversation between myself and a long time female friend (known her before my wife/she has a boyfriend). The conversation involved details of our sex lives. It was not sexting or about us getting together or arranging to cheat. It was flirty and in hindsight inappropriate. However my wife disagrees and sees it as sexting and cheating.

On the flip side my wife talks about sex with work friends (women). Talks about what acts they will do/won't do. Things they like there partners doing/things they like doing to partners etc. And that my conversation doesn't fall in this category.

My wife is unsure about the relationship and it's future now. I understand I have broken her trust and crossed boundry lines and shouldn't have. I should have considered her feelings and our marriage but I was an idiot thoughtless insensitive and inappropriate. I don't agree that I was sexting or cheating but that doesn't matter. It's what my wife thinks so I need to fix this. I have now broken contact with the friend. I have apologised to my wife. She is angry. What else can I do to fix it!

retro:electro

Your wife is right- her conversations with her female friends do not fall into the same bracket. She's not flirting with these women, she's having normal girl talk. Had she been discussing these things with a man then you'd have a point. Is there a reason behind why you did what you did? It was flirty and inappropriate but not sexting, how so?
She snooped through your phone and caught you flirting- the trust is gone on both sides.

Dave0301

Hoppy32007v wrote: »

Quick background. Living together 1 year. Married less than 1 year.

I have hurt and upset my wife emotionally. She snooped on my phone and read a conversation between myself and a long time female friend (known her before my wife/she has a boyfriend). The conversation involved details of our sex lives. It was not sexting or about us getting together or arranging to cheat. It was flirty and in hindsight inappropriate. However my wife disagrees and sees it as sexting and cheating.

On the flip side my wife talks about sex with work friends (women). Talks about what acts they will do/won't do. Things they like there partners doing/things they like doing to partners etc. And that my conversation doesn't fall in this category.

My wife is unsure about the relationship and it's future now. I understand I have broken her trust and crossed boundry lines and shouldn't have. I should have considered her feelings and our marriage but I was an idiot thoughtless insensitive and inappropriate. I don't agree that I was sexting or cheating but that doesn't matter. It's what my wife thinks so I need to fix this. I have now broken contact with the friend. I have apologised to my wife. She is angry. What else can I do to fix it!

The highlighted bits stand out the most for me. You say you've broken her trust, but you clearly didn't have it in the first place if she was snooping through your phone.

You also admit that the texting was inappropriate and flirty, and this is what she will see it as, at best. Although she will discuss similar things in work with friends, she is most likely not discussing it intimately and in a flirty manner with a member of the opposite sex.

Trust, once broken is very difficult to regain.

LushiousLips

You need to give your wife time. For me it would depend on what exactly was said in the text messages. If you were praising your wife for being good in the sack then I'd probably get over it slightly but if you were talking about your wife in a derogatory manner saying she wouldn't do x, y or z in bed then I'd be wellllll pi*sed. I will agree that it wasn't sexting but it was 100% inappropriate and very thoughtless of you. You just gotta be patient with her.

It's a tough one to tell - in what way were the messages flirty? To me, the only difference between her talking about your sex lives and you doing it would be the genders of the people involved. I would query whether she would have had an issue with it were your friend male. If you are talking about yours and your wives sex lives & not being flirty -- while someone inappropriate, I wouldn't consider it cheating or sexting.

The fact she snooped in your phone shows a real sense of distrust towards you.

retro:electro

[Deleted User] wrote: »

It's a tough one to tell - in what way were the messages flirty? To me, the only difference between her talking about your sex lives and you doing it would be the genders of the people involved. I would query whether she would have had an issue with it were your friend male. If you are talking about yours and your wives sex lives & not being flirty -- while someone inappropriate, I wouldn't consider it cheating or sexting.

The fact she snooped in your phone shows a real sense of distrust towards you.

He says the messages were flirty & inappropriate.

Ursus Horribilis

Did she ever say why she snooped on your phone? Had she reason to not trust you?

tara73

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Did she ever say why she snooped on your phone? Had she reason to not trust you?

obviously. I'm quite surprised people ask this, as this is what the thread is about. The OP sent flirty texts to a female friend and told her about their sex life. Kind of a shocker to me.

OP, I think you try to justify your behaviour now with lame comparisons like her talking with female collegueas or friends what they like and don't like, obviously in gerneral terms and not telling exactly what they do in bed with their partners. It's not comparable to your stuff, sending flirty messages and telling one female friend about your sex life.
The fact you do this, shows you are not getting at all what you did and how bad it is. I would say you are not ready for a committed relationship, let alone marriage (and not even a year married).

I don't know if there's a coming back from this from your wifes' side. Only you two know each other best.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you might be missing the point here. I think everybody accepts that the OP was way out of line and should not have exchanged those messages. It also goes without saying that of course his wife's devastated and that it's going to cause ructions in the marriage. What I was asking was why she went looking in the first place. Did the OP behave in such a way before this that made her go looking?

tara73

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you might be missing the point here. I think everybody accepts that the OP was way out of line and should not have exchanged those messages. It also goes without saying that of course his wife's devastated and that it's going to cause ructions in the marriage. What I was asking was why she went looking in the first place. Did the OP behave in such a way before this that made her go looking?

And what does it matter if there were trust issues beforehand? I mostly 100% presume there were, hence the phone snooping.
Is the situation not enough, what the OP did? Seems to me people searching for a guilt factor from the wife. Strange.
Anyway, I leave it at that.

SusieBlue

tara73 wrote: »

And what does it matter if there were trust issues beforehand? I mostly 100% presume there were, hence the phone snooping.
Is the situation not enough, what the OP did? Seems to me people searching for a guilt factor from the wife. Strange.
Anyway, I leave it at that.

You are clearly misinterpreting what PP is getting at. The wife looking through the phone implies trust issues, people are asking why she looked through the phone to get a better understanding of their marriage history in order to give better advice.

No one is saying she was wrong to look through the phone - simply asking why ie. had he been texting other women before to say she was snooping. Legitimate question imo.

iguana

When people are doing something inappropriate it can often be obvious by their actions or manner. So the OP could very likely have been giving her reasons not to trust him. People aren't stupid, there is a reason that a spouse decides to snoop at a time when their partner is hiding something.

ShaShaBear

The thing is OP, had you been discussing this with a male friend of yours you had known long before your wife, she might have been a bit embarrassed that the friend knew intimate details of her sex life with you. Then had you pointed out she discusses this with female friends, she likely would have agreed and dropped it.

The problem is you had this discussion with a female friend, which IS out of line. Just like I'm sure you wouldn't like your wife telling a male friend all the things she likes to have done to her and likes to do in bed. Doesn't sound nice, does it?

On the topic of snooping through your phone, the majority of the time a woman does this is because she expects to find something. Chances are she's noticed your demeanor around the phone changing, for example guarding the phone, not leaving it unattended, getting messages late at night. You've possibly even lied about who it was and what was being discussed. If that's the case, it's probably a lie or series of lies you've told to keep this conversation hidden as by your own admission it was flirty and inappropriate.

However, cutting contact with the friend, apologising to your wife and accepting you are in fact in the wrong and waiting it out is the best and right thing to do. Whether or not it is enough for her....

zephyro

Hoppy32007v wrote: »

She snooped on my phone and read a conversation between myself and a long time female friend (known her before my wife/she has a boyfriend). The conversation involved details of our sex lives. It was not sexting or about us getting together or arranging to cheat. It was flirty and in hindsight inappropriate. However my wife disagrees and sees it as sexting and cheating.

Does she have your permission to snoop on your phone when she feels like it and have you two previously discussed and agreed what constitutes inappropriate sexting?

lawred2

How was it not 'sexting'?

Fairly easy to see why she would be upset.

Colser

Not being dramatic OP but it would be a deal-breaker for me if I were in her position.She won't forget this and it has changed your relationship in her eyes I'd bet...I can't understand why you would even do it with another female,that's so hurtful...I'd feel different if it were a male friend,it would be bad but not as bad imo.