overly enthusiastic woman

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a woman for about four months, and honestly, I'm sort concerned by her behaviour during that time. We're both in our mid-twenties. When I see her, we're good, great even. But there have been a few moments where she's done some things that've made me question whether I want to see her anymore.

Around valentine's day, she appeared with a pile of presents, home made stuff, and a huge card...however, we'd decided not to do the whole gift thing (or so I thought), and instead go out for a meal, see a movie and not have any major pressure on. It was so awkward and I spent the rest of the day trying to match the gesture, it sort of ruined the whole thing, as I was made incredibly uncomfortable. I tried to explain to her - in very nice and thankful terms - that we'd agreed on no gifts, and that this was sort of overkill since we'd only been on about four dates prior. She agreed to slow down, and I thought maybe that was that. She then drunk text me that we were 'meant to be' and that it was 'written in the stars' and a lot of really concerning stuff a few days after, but I put it off to the drink. There've been a few more times where she's said or done something that I'd usually not pay much heed to, but I've this gut instinct that something isn't quite right. Alarm bells started to ring when we were out with my friends, and a few of us were joking about never wanting kids...so the following day she began sending me these articles on men who regretted never having kids or regretted getting vasectomies...so either I'm reading too much into that, or that's a really huge red flag.

Now, she's beginning to change plans and guilts me when I can't go along with them (as I'm either busy, unwell or have prior plans she knows about) and generally just seems to be...off somehow. It almost feels like she considers us in a long-term relationship, but we don't know each other that well and we'd agreed to take our time and see how it goes, given that she was in a series of terrible relationships beforehand. Now I'm starting to reconsider her word on those relationships, given how she's acting. I feel like I couldn't have been any clearer about how I wished to approach this, but she's seemingly moving the goalposts in a really bizarre and concerning way.

Does anyone else have experience of this? Or am I reading too much into what she's been saying/doing and how she's been acting? There's probably more but honestly, even writing this out, I'm not sure why I'm still seeing her after only four months and this much stuff happening. I guess I'm just hoping it's me?

retro:electro

I wouldn't even act like that with my boyfriend who I've been with for 8 years. Her behaviour is weird in any circumstance. Your gut is speaking to you for a reason, listen to it!

SarahMollie

Yep, follow your instincts here. Maybe if it was just the Valentines incident, you could maybe excuse it, but cumulatively its all too much.

The stuff about having children is also waaaay to early - it is an important conversation for couples to have, but not like that. Also, if she wanted to have a discussion, then just talk to you rather than passive aggressively sending articles.

At this rate she'll be pushing you to commit to her (propose/move in or whatever) inside a year so if thats no where you're at, then end it sooner rather than later.

Big Bag of Chips

She's being a bit over the top, no doubt, but also after 4 months of seeing each other maybe she sees this as a bit more of a 'thing' now. I haven't dated in about 20 years but how long do you kids date for these days before you consider yourselves to be in a relationship? 4 months is a fair bit of time.

I think if you are not feeling it with her anymore you need to end it. But if I was seeing a fella for 4 months, had met his friends etc, then I'd think we were in a relationship too. I don't think I'd be doing all the crazy stuff she's doing!! But I would definitely consider myself 'in a relationship'. And if I had even an inkling that down the line I would want children I'd probably have to bring it up with a fella if I heard him laughing in the pub with his mates about never wanting them and getting a vasectomy. I'd wonder was that lads' banter or had he already decided he really never want children. If she wants them (even if it's in 10 years time) and you definitely don't ever want them then you both shouldn't be wasting each others time now getting closer.

4 months is 'piss or get off the pot' time. It's around the time to decide whether you're willing to continue the relationship and and maybe see there's a future for it, or decide it's never going to work out and call it a day.

seenitall

Hi OP,

I don't think you are overreacting either. Going by what you wrote, something is very off there. Shades of controlling/obsessive behaviour for sure.

If I were you, I wouldn't hesitate in pulling the plug, because the more embroiled you get in this relationship, the more justified she will feel in pushing the "meant to be" line forward and the more "wronged" she will feel when you do eventually decide you've had enough.

There is just something about your post that made my skin crawl a little bit. You have to consider the fact that everyone puts their best foot forward in the first months of dating, and that in high probability she is merely keeping the lid on the more extreme forms of the kind of behaviour you have got a glimpse of - so far.

Personally, OP, I woulda been long gone in that situation, but then I am a lot older than you and my tolerance of red flags is practically nil.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

OP here:

Thanks for the replies, it's nice to know that I'm not actually reading into this, and I tend to second guess myself a lot (something I've been working on, given that if I wasn't, I'd probably have never seen these things).

I agree that after four months this is sort of the stage where things are supposed to be cementing, to be honest, I've been busy with a lot of different things so I didn't really cop the timeframe. I've also had friends that have said her behaviour is sweet...and to be honest I think I need some better friends...

I'll pull the plug immediately, no sense in continuing this. I just needed to know that I wasn't just making mountains out of mole hills.

Thanks very much for your replies, they've been incredibly helpful!