Fear of driving

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place or not, please feel free to move if not.

I've always shied away from driving. Inside, I'm terrified of the idea. I'm so scared that I'll crash and either hurt or kill someone, or myself in the process. I'm also scared of how other drivers would treat me. I stopped cycling for similar reasons, after interactions with other road users and also that I felt it was too dangerous.

It's not a new issue, my uncle brought me out in his car when I was 14 and I tried moving it on a private road. I was terrified of going any way fast but I did fairly OK, no damage anyway!

For a long time, I tried to live near work where possible, so I wouldn't have to drive. At one stage I lived less than 10 minutes walk from the job. But now, I have a lot of reasons why I should drive. With rents in Dublin being sky high, I'm being pushed further out. I also have family and loved ones all over the country. Finally, I work in a job where it would be very beneficial for me to drive, and the company even provide cars to their staff.

I was OK with trains or buses for the most part but the recent transport strikes have had me on edge, fearing that I'll struggle to get to work if Dublin Bus go out again.

I'm pretty good with the theory side of things - I bought the theory test disc and do quite well with the questions without needing to dig too deep into it. But just the thought of me getting behind the wheel and driving is enough to scare me out of actually doing it.

Not sure if anyone can even offer any advice here as it's probably completely down to me but I wanted to post this nonetheless.

Ubbquittious

Be grand keep 'er between the hedges !

Try and get a bit of practice in a field first, then boreens, then the main road, then the town

kylith

I'm in my mid thirties and learned to drive last year. All I can say is that once you get over the initial fear of it it's grand. Instructors are well used to people who are nervous drivers, so they'll be able to take you somewhere quiet until you get the hang of the basics. Go for it, you won't regret learning; it's opened a lot of stuff up to me, and it will for you too.

Surreptitious

I agree. The only way to go is to get an instructor to talk you through it. Everyone is nervous starting off but eventually through experience you should be fine. Anytime I see a learner driver with their instructor I always stay well back from them and give them space. Not everyone will be so kind on the roads but you'll get used to it. Driving is essential really, especially if you decide to live in a more rural area some time down the line.

Ursus Horribilis

A good first step, I think, would be to book a driving lesson with a proper driving instructor. A lot of people are nervous when they start out and the problem can be made worse if they get lessons from family members/partners. A driving instructor will have a car with dual controls so you can't crash. They'll also be experienced in how to help put nervous drivers at their ease. From google, I can see that there are driving schools in the Dublin area who claim to specialise in helping nervous drivers pass the test. Ask around in your own circle of friends/colleagues too.

You sound a lot like one of my friends who had a terror of driving and shied away from it for years. Then when she was in her late thirties she found herself in a situation where she had no choice but to learn. She managed it and now she loves driving. Driving isn't rocket science and it's something you get better at the more practice you get. As for the safety side of it, there are no guarantees. Most of us manage to go our whole lives without any major incidents though so take heart from that.

I don't know if you've ever spotted it but there's a Learning to Drive forum here on boards

kylith

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Driving isn't rocket science

This is very important to remember. Think of some of the absolute idiots you know. Bet they drive. If a gombeen like them can do it you'll walk it!

jca

Everyone is a bag of nerves when they start out everything is so new and overwhelming. Keep to the instructors and away from relatives until your confidence grows. Go for it you won't regret it, it gives you so much freedom you'll kick yourself for not doing it earlier.

OP, you need to get out of your head and into a car with an instructor experienced with nervous drivers. What you're talking about is confidence. Confidence in handling the unexpected on the road and with other drivers, and the only thing that'll help with that is good lessons with an instructor who's seen and heard it all before.

You're probably overthinking it, and thinking about things that make you nervous achieves nothing but more nerves. It's much worse to anticipate it than to actually do it, so my advice would be to just get out there.

I used to feel the same about driving abroad, but once you actually do it you'll be fine. All you need is good instruction and lots of practice. Once you enjoy the freedom and convenience of being able to drive anywhere at any time, you'll wonder why you put it off so long.

languagenerd

I'm not sure if I have any constructive advice to offer but I just wanted to say that it is possible to go from terrified to (relatively) confident at driving. Up until last year, I could have written your post. I put off driving for years despite my parents offering to put me on their insurance & more than once I ended up crying when people tried to encourage me to give it a go. I didn't want to be responsible for a carload of people and, like you said, was terrified of causing injury or worse to someone else. This wasn't just beginner's nerves - it was pure anxiety and abject terror.

But I finally decided to confront it, gave it a go, got a good instructor, practised, cried a bit more, conked out in awkward places and swore I'd had enough, had rows with my sponsoring driver, practised harder..and passed my test a few months ago. I still can't really believe it tbh. I still don't *like* driving as such, but I can do it and it is great to have the option.

So, it can be done. Find a good instructor who deals with anxious beginners & do the lessons in their car (they have dual controls and can brake/start for you if you get it wrong). Do as many lessons as you need/can afford - no shame in feeling that you need a lot more than the mandatory 12. Go easy on yourself at first and build it up gradually: try starting in an empty industrial estate on a Sunday morning where you won't pass (m)any other cars. Don't put pressure on yourself to be good at it - as a bit of a perfectionist, I found it really hard to be bad at something, but it got easier when I accepted that I would be crap at it for a while. Even go see an anxiety counsellor if you think it might help.

(Tbh I don't know what I would have made of this post a few years back. Just wanted to say I understand your position completely, but that it is possible to go from there to being a licensed driver.)

Tokyo

What's worth bearing in mind is that unlike when I learned, it's no longer a case of learning from a parent in the passenger seat, bawling at you to slow down/stay inside the white line/watch out for this and that etc. There are some great driving schools out there with highly competent and qualified instructors who are well versed in dealing with nervous or beginner drivers such as yourself.

Ask your friends fro recommendations, and start calling around to get quotes on lessons. You'll be behind the wheel sooner than you think.

zoobizoo

I'm going to advise something else here.....


Go go-karting! There's no damage to be done and you're going at full speed around the track and having fun.... lots and lots of fun .

It'll make you realise that driving in a regular car is just a series of manouevres, stops signs and traffic lights compared to the adrenaline of the track.

Ursus Horribilis

It also occurred to me that a lot of your fears are based on the unknown. It's very easy to turn something into a monster in your mind when you've got little experience of it. If you go for some lessons with an instructor and start getting a feel for the car, it'll change a lot.

I used to be fairly terrified and my first two instructors were useless. One was more interested in her makeup and the other didn't give a damn.
HOWEVER
I finally found an instructor who was recommended to me by a friend and she was so soothing and calming and got me through everything so well.
I think if you find the right instructor you'll be fine but beware that they may not be the first one you find. If they make you feel even worse go find someone else.
It'll just take that and hours of practice being on the roads to get over it, but get over it you will

LynnGrace

kylith wrote: »

This is very important to remember. Think of some of the absolute idiots you know. Bet they drive. If a gombeen like them can do it you'll walk it!

This was my first thought also.

I completely agree with the other posters recommending that you get a good driving instructor.

I learned to drive, many years ago, and I was always determined that was the way I would learn. I loved driving from the first time I sat behind the wheel, and my instructor was great. I was also very lucky that a friend allowed me to practise in her car, in between lessons.
If you can, get a recommendation for an instructor.

Best of luck!

Dave0JV

Hey OP,

I'd agree with the people who've recommended going with an instructor. In addition to them being trained to help people learn, I think the fact that most instructors have cars with controls on their side as well could help to put you at ease when starting out.

Good Luck anyway!

Doctor Nick

Almost 40 here. Same gut wrenching fear of driving. Been behind the wheel twice and both times said never again. I live in the city, always have and always will. I walk to work, I walk to my parents. I walk everywhere in fact. Have no problems with that.

My siblings all learned to drive when they were old enough. Some of my friends before they were old enough. They all wanted to learn. I never had that desire and suspect at this stage of my life I never will.

So with the exception of you wanting to drive I can relate.

Lia_lia

OP I was like you for years. My brother learned when he was 17, as did most of my friends. I kept putting it off. Got lessons when I was about 21 and a mixture of being terrified and just not really having any interest put me off it.

The summer before last at the age of 26 I figured it was finally time to learn properly. Was terrifying! Hated it. Went out with my Mother a good few times which was an awful idea really. My brother was a lot better but didn't bring me out much. After going through 4 (!!) instructors finally found a brilliant one. Makes such a difference! Bought a car and started lessons with him in August 2015 and passed my test in January 2016 with only 2 small mistakes... Until about a month before my test I felt physically ill every time I went driving.

Now I actually love driving. Always volunteer to drive people places and no journeys in a car scare me. Even have a bit of an interest in cars now

Just get some lessons with a good instructor!

Also, if you still have a fear, I have heard hypnotherapy works very well. I don't think you'll need it though.

kylith wrote: »

This is very important to remember. Think of some of the absolute idiots you know. Bet they drive. If a gombeen like them can do it you'll walk it!

This is what my Mother used to say to me...and it worked!

heathledgerlove

I was/am exactly the same as you - obsessed with accidentally dinging someone's car, or doing something wrong and another driver giving out to me - but am getting over that now & have a lovely instructor. Took for and ever to master the gears, they're no bother at all to me now. It's all about garnering confidence, and that happens gradually. Trying to learn to do everything nice and measured, so you have lots of time to react. And to believe that you have every right to be on the road even with your learner plates! This is it, you won't be brilliant off the bat, but if you're toddling along at your own pace you're getting there

ShaShaBear

Im sorry I can't offer any good advice but it's nice to see it's not an isolated problem. I passed my theory test 100% first time around 11 years ago and in a car with someone else, I could always tell what had to be done and essentially simulate the drive in my head. Behind the wheel I was nervous, but nothing major. I got an instructor recommended to me and he was WOEFUL. He assumed in several very risky situations that I knew what I was doing despite telling him I was not only a complete beginner, but the first person in my family (parents included) to ever learn to drive. I didn't even know how to start a car. He screamed at me every time I didn't do something like indicate or put my full beams on etc.
I quit about 11 lessons in because I was filled with dread every time. Fast forward to when I met my now husband. When we moved in together, we bought a lovely automatic Kia Picanto. Such a beauty to drive. I felt so much more confident having the gear changes taken out of the equation and felt so free. I applied for my second provisional with the intention of learning and fell pregnant and EVERYTHING changed. Sitting at the wheel forced me to tears and I was terrified to drive. I shied away from it making every excuse possible.
Now I'm almost 30 with 2 young kids and I'd really love to be able to drive. Even just to go visit my friend, go shopping, take the kids to feed the ducks and that. Nothing major. We still have an automatic and I've been putting off finding an instructor because of the awful experience I had with my first.
Might just have to get the ball rolling

galvo_clare

Read How to Overcome Fear of Driving by Joanne Mallon. Haven't read it but met her on a motoring event and she seemed to know her stuff.
It's more common then you think but a bit of knowledge may help.

Karsini wrote: »

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place or not, please feel free to move if not.

I've always shied away from driving. Inside, I'm terrified of the idea. I'm so scared that I'll crash and either hurt or kill someone, or myself in the pr

Not sure if anyone can even offer any advice here as it's probably completely down to me but I wanted to post this nonetheless.

Surreptitious

I had this instructor who was from the UK. In the UK you have to undergo strict regulations to instruct. I was 26 and thought I was very old at the time but he told me the week previous he had a 70 year old woman go to him for lessons. The thing is the longer you put it off, the worse it will get. I can honestly say if I can drive anyone can. But if I had never learned I would never have had my career or have as many opportunities as I did. I did live in the country for years so had to learn. I think a lot of people in big cities have public transport to rely on.

Thanks for the replies and sorry for not replying sooner, I've been away the past few days. At the end of the day I suppose I just have to bite the bullet and do it.

Ursus Horribilis

Hopefully once you've had a session or two, it won't be the monster you've built it up into in your head. Someone mentioned earlier in the thread that the older you go without learning, the harder it gets. I'm inclined to agree with that. Anyone I've ever met who took up driving in their 30s or 40s seemed to be far more terrified than younger people. It's not insurmountable though and that's the main thing. If you get disheartened, try to think about all the positives that'll come from being able to drive.

saggycaggy

kylith wrote: »

This is very important to remember. Think of some of the absolute idiots you know. Bet they drive. If a gombeen like them can do it you'll walk it!

This is so true-I tend to overthink everything so in my head driving was as hard as flying an aircraft and until I began to realise how simple it is (aside from the nervs) I began to literally get to grips with it.
Before I learned to drive properly I would make any excuse under the sun to get out of driving (with my husband in the car)-ooops I wearing heels I can't drive in heels, it's going to rain and I can't drive in the rain....etc.
I eventually got an excellent driving instructor and just "got it". I watched clips on You Tube too where they talked through maneuvers and that also really helped, i think it was the RSA ones.
This mightn't help but honestly if I can do it anyone can!!!
Best of Luck!

j.s. pill II

Probably an extreme example here but i was pretty petrified of the concept of me being in charge of any motorised vehicle for a very long time. I'm a bit absent minded and scatter brained at the best of times and I feared that a momentary lack of concentration would result in me flying off a bridge some day.

I eventually grasped the nettle and started learning to drive when I was 28. This was just before lessons were compulsory but I still forked out for a good instructor and took the endeavour very seriously. Fast forward a number of years later and I absolutely love driving. In fact I love anything with wheels: I'm big in to my motorbikes now and have toured in countries like India, Nepal & Indonesia across some of the worlds most dangerous roads!

I don't mean to imply that I just suddenly lost all sense of personal danger. Far from it. You can take a responsible and professional approach for driving. For motorbiking, I will always consider myself a novice and will continue to bear in mind that I always have room to improve. The more knowledge you arm yourself with the better prepared you will be. You still have to get over the hump of taking the first step but there's no harm equipping yourself with as much knowledge as you can in the meantime

woodchuck

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here. I was also terrified to start driving. I've been driving and have had my full licence for years now and while I'm not nearly as terrified as I was in the beginning... it still fills me with stress/anxiety every time and I hate it!

So I think the attitude of "once you get started it'll be grand" can be a bit misleading. I kept thinking as soon as I got my full licence I'd be grand. But unfortunately it wasn't a magic piece of paper that removed the fear. I know other people who are like this too btw, so I'm not just some anomaly

HOWEVER. I do think it's worthwhile biting the bullet and learning. It won't be as bad once you get into it and it's a great life skill to have. And like anything, the longer you leave it, the more the dread will build up in your mind and it will seem like some impossible task, which it's not.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

I'm 41 and have had numerous lessons over the years. I'd built the experience into an irrational, hand sweating experience over the course of 20 years. An irrational outrageous fear, a total phobia.

I finally decided to tackle my phobia and went to hypnotherapy. Best thing I ever did, it retrained my head to a normal level of nerves and I did my first lesson again this week after a two year break. Lesson was great, I know now I will pass the test and am looking forward to learning to drive rather than feeling I am being pushed into a fire.

Tackling it head on was best advice, but the hypnotherapy was key. I am now a normal learner driver, rather than someone facing the guillotine behind the wheel.

My test is on 31 July, I will pass no question, I cannot wait to drive my kids to the zoo, singing to some tunes on the car stereo.