Frightened of people

emilymemily

Hi I have an unusual problem and havnt come across anyone suffering from this so im just looking for perspectives, ive had a fear of people since my late teens/early twenties, I went through stages of agoraphobia and in the past ive suffered from selective mutism, when I do speak to some people in social settings, usually strangers/friends of friends or anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable my speech can get so bad that I cant get my words out, I jumble sentences and words and I look and sound like I genuinely have a learning disability but in reality im just so anxious and nothing I do can stop the feeling. I dont know how I got through university as I barely spoke to anyone in the 4 years, id take panic attacks in lectures and need to leave, I was the 'weird girl' in the class and people really disliked me for it, including some of the lecturers.
The other day I had to go to an old employer to ask if I could put his name down on an application form for a reference, he's the loveliest man and was happy to help but my legs were literally shaking, I had to hold my hand up to the wall to steady myself and I could barely speak. People treat me like im an idiot because of how I come across, people genuinely dislike me and think theres something seriously wrong with me because of this, ive been called weirdo, retard and treated like a total pariah because of this, its ruining my life, I cant work, I cant make friends, I cross the road if I see someone I know for fear of having to make conversation and embarrassing myself or looking stupid and awkward.
Im extremely sensitive to negativity, even the slightest facial expression or tone of voice can make me feel very anxious and I instantly have an overwhelming feeling to run away.

Ive been to different counsellors and GP's and none of them diagnosed me or attempted to explain whats going on with me, sessions went around in circles leading nowhere so im feeling totally helpless.

Im not this way with close family or friends so I know there is a 'normal' side to myself. Has anyone got experience with this? I feel very alone.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I don't have much advice except to say nearly everyone you will ever interact with has felt anxious or a lack of confidence at some point. It is the human condition. Everyone you meet is too caught up in their own lives to really worry about yours, and, imo, that is a tremendously liberating thing. We all assume everyone else has got things sorted out, when in reality we're all hoping no one notices how nervous and anxious we are. Once you realise that, you will realise most people are more like you than not.

Good luck

JackTaylorFan

Hi Emily

I'm not going to tell you that you have not experienced name calling and other such abuse just being out and about, but I think you are letting those negative experiences cloud your judgement when it come to the majority of people you encounter. Add acute anxiety into the mix and it's no wonder you feel crippled.

You said: "I'm extremely sensitive to negativity" - is there any chance you might just be reading everything as negative - given your state of mind? I know for certain the last thing I think when I see someone struggling in life is "retard" - and I'm pretty certain most of society doesn't think like that either. People who have experienced been bullied in life sometimes become conditioned; they expect it; they look for it... and even if it doesn't exist, they will still find it. I'm not saying you are making it up. What I am saying is that maybe you read too much into other people's actions or comments based on your past bad experiences. I would even go as far as to say you might even catch parts of other people's conversations and hear a certain word - perhaps a word that sounds very similar to one that triggers you and is constantly floating around in your head day-after-day - along with all that built-up anxiety you have - and...

Bang!

You make a connection that isn't there.

I wonder if that makes any sense to you or just seems dumb. My apologies if it is the latter.


I do worry, though. I mean, if your counselors and Doctors could not help, what use will a thread be?

emilymemily

Thanks for taking the time to respond JackTaylorFan, I get what you're saying and I definitely can be over sensitive to criticism, I brush it off at first but it does effect how I feel, I don't jump to conclusions when I hear people having private conversations,words don't trigger me, there's no words that float around in my head day after day, I'm self aware enough to know that's not an issue. Your points about being bullied and being conditioned, expecting it ect ring through. I brought this up with my previous counsellor, about the bullying I had gone through but every time I mentioned it she'd change the subject straight away so I never worked through any of it.

I started the thread because I felt that maybe there's a chance someone will relate to this or will have had similar experiences, I feel that just because counsellors and doctors could not help that doesn't mean I should stop reaching out or stop trying to find help or stop trying to get to the bottom of what this is and how I can maybe move past it, I don't like being this way, its not a choice.

It's hard enough to deal with a mental illness without there being the assumption that I might just be a bit paranoid when I reach out.
I'm always seeing posts online, charity events and awareness for mental illness encouraging people to speak up, reach out, talk about mental health yet I'm someone with mental illness and when I do speak out there's no one whose bothered to listen and sure if the doctor cant help what's the point in posting here? am I supposed to give up?
Negative experiences do cloud my judgement but i've had allot of negative experiences with people and that's what has given me this fear and anxiety. My confidence around people is so low that I shake and cant communicate, I don't like being this way and I want to be normal. So my reasons for posting here are because this is a personal issues thread and maybe someone can offer constructive advice or share an experience.

LegacyUser

emilymemily wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to respond JackTaylorFan, I get what you're saying and I definitely can be over sensitive to criticism, I brush it off at first but it does effect how I feel, I don't jump to conclusions when I hear people having private conversations,words don't trigger me, there's no words that float around in my head day after day, I'm self aware enough to know that's not an issue. Your points about being bullied and being conditioned, expecting it ect ring through. I brought this up with my previous counsellor, about the bullying I had gone through but every time I mentioned it she'd change the subject straight away so I never worked through any of it.

I started the thread because I felt that maybe there's a chance someone will relate to this or will have had similar experiences, I feel that just because counsellors and doctors could not help that doesn't mean I should stop reaching out or stop trying to find help or stop trying to get to the bottom of what this is and how I can maybe move past it, I don't like being this way, its not a choice.

It's hard enough to deal with a mental illness without there being the assumption that I might just be a bit paranoid when I reach out.
I'm always seeing posts online, charity events and awareness for mental illness encouraging people to speak up, reach out, talk about mental health yet I'm someone with mental illness and when I do speak out there's no one whose bothered to listen and sure if the doctor cant help what's the point in posting here? am I supposed to give up?
Negative experiences do cloud my judgement but i've had allot of negative experiences with people and that's what has given me this fear and anxiety. My confidence around people is so low that I shake and cant communicate, I don't like being this way and I want to be normal. So my reasons for posting here are because this is a personal issues thread and maybe someone can offer constructive advice or share an experience.

Try different counselors. It can be hard to share intimate feelings. And to build up trust with a new person or to even take the chance as the fear of rejection can be overwhelming. But if your counselor is brushing aside what you feel is important you must change. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result obviously doesn't work. There are great counselors out there. They do exist. Who will never brush away what your saying who will be so positive you'll wonder how they possibly exist. I left one counselor crying because of the info I gave out. 1-2 days later I felt so happy a burden had been released from me. Keep it to yourself though who your going to etc. Maybe start a journal. But more on the lines of pieces of paper. So you write what your thinking down. It seems to make sense. But then you after a day look at it again. And you'll think how silly I must be mad. This will go on for awhile.. it took me about 4years. Hope is a beautiful thing. And no thing of beauty ever dies.

JackTaylorFan

emilymemily wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to respond JackTaylorFan, I get what you're saying and I definitely can be over sensitive to criticism, I brush it off at first but it does effect how I feel, I don't jump to conclusions when I hear people having private conversations,words don't trigger me, there's no words that float around in my head day after day, I'm self aware enough to know that's not an issue. Your points about being bullied and being conditioned, expecting it ect ring through. I brought this up with my previous counsellor, about the bullying I had gone through but every time I mentioned it she'd change the subject straight away so I never worked through any of it.

I started the thread because I felt that maybe there's a chance someone will relate to this or will have had similar experiences, I feel that just because counsellors and doctors could not help that doesn't mean I should stop reaching out or stop trying to find help or stop trying to get to the bottom of what this is and how I can maybe move past it, I don't like being this way, its not a choice.

It's hard enough to deal with a mental illness without there being the assumption that I might just be a bit paranoid when I reach out.
I'm always seeing posts online, charity events and awareness for mental illness encouraging people to speak up, reach out, talk about mental health yet I'm someone with mental illness and when I do speak out there's no one whose bothered to listen and sure if the doctor cant help what's the point in posting here? am I supposed to give up?
Negative experiences do cloud my judgement but i've had allot of negative experiences with people and that's what has given me this fear and anxiety. My confidence around people is so low that I shake and cant communicate, I don't like being this way and I want to be normal. So my reasons for posting here are because this is a personal issues thread and maybe someone can offer constructive advice or share an experience.

Sorry. I really didn't mean to undermine your thread. I feel for you, I do. I'm not sure what advice anyone here can offer you though. You seem so convinced that there is something so awfully wrong with you and that everyone else hates you too, that it's actually difficult to wrap my head around it - as I am sure others feel as well.

"Get some counseling" would be most people's default reply to stuff like this - because it's beyond them - but you have already said that doesn't work. So what then? You get questions like "are you on anti-anxiety/antidepressant meds?" and I don't believe we can discuss that on here at all.

On another point: I have to disagree. I truly think for anyone who has suffered bullying in their life certain words do float around in their head. For instance, the words you mentioned - "retard" and "weirdo" - how often are you called these things? Is it very regular?

amtc

It sounds to me as if you're projecting negativity and hence in some way influencing what you get back. It's a truism that people like to spend time with people who make them easy. You think you don't. Yet you mention family and close friends. If counsellors etc have not worked could you ask them?

JackTaylorFan

Hi again, OP

Just wondering: have yiou ever tried group therapy with others suffering similar anxiety?

emilymemily

Thanks to everyone for your replies, @JackTaylorFan Ive looked into group therapy but there isnt any in my area, the closest place is Dublin and thats a 4 hour journey for me and quite expensive, ive been looking into CBT therapists in my area so im going to try and save up to talk to someone. Thanks for your help. x

@amtc- I do agree with this, because im so nervous and shy around people this causes me to come across awkward and closed in which im sure is what contributes to what I get back, although there have been times where ive been open and relaxed and still felt negativity from people so I don't know, im doing something wrong I just wish someone could tell me what that is so I could do something about it. I have had friends in the past and still do but my circle has always been quite small, im not witty or funny or really intelligent so I think that doesnt help, maybe I lack charisma?

Im going try counselling again to see if it helps at all.

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to reply. xx

redfox123

This is one situation where I would actually advise against visiting a counsellor. Well you can if you like but here's my two cents. They are there to listen, not advise so much, if at all. They are there to draw out your issues and for you to openly speak about them, help you come to resolutions yourself, but they can't tell you how to live your life. In life, whatever you focus on, gets bigger. If you are negative about being around other people, if you are negative about how you are being perceived, that will grow, and grow. It will grow to the level you are at, where you can't talk to anyone and have nothing but fear. The outer world is a mirror, for how you feel, not for what you want it to be, not how you pretend to be, but for how you are. You may feel ok and be feeling more confident but if there's a little tiny voice deep underneath it that is waiting, expecting, some negative reaction, that is what you will get. It will override the positive if you let it and that's all you will hear/see. Because it will say see? Told you I was right and you're ..>insert confirmation of negative thing<

So what do you do? Well personally I did a lot of work on myself. It takes a lot. Because the world does not owe you anything. Nothing. You finally realise you are acting the victim, you stop lying to yourself that you are not acting the victim. You stop focusing of what others have done to you, how they've made you feel, the names they've called you. You accept it happened, you do not make any judgement on what happened. You change your whole way of thinking. I did so much inner work that the perception others had of me became practically irrelevant. It lost its charge, that sting, that power it has to make you feel anything other than absolute apathy.

Your focus on the problem is the problem. It amplifies it, it adds energy to it, it keeps it going and growing. The world has changed and now people are expected to be extroverted, it's all about personality, but you know what not that many are that extroverted. In fact they annoy most people, but we're supposed/conditioned to like them. There's no meaningful connection in most people's interaction, and that's essentially what people want. You're not extroverted, and you know what that's ok. In fact it's good. But it doesn't matter either way, it's just a way of rating someone, putting them in a box, easier for others to label you, it's irrelevant. What matters is your inner journey. Discover and focus on what you it is you like, focus on what you know you like about yourself, on what you're good at. I know there's something. Under all the endless scrutiny on what you think is wrong or missing, there is a an endless list of good things. If you don't want to talk to someone, don't. Say hello, and move on, because if you've found your focus, a higher purpose, whatever it is, you let it consume you and guide you. Stop the ruminating. If you think they think you're a weirdo? Let them. Who cares? Let all of them, let them all think you're the weirdest thing ever.. but you like yourself so it's like water off a duck's back. And oddly, that is what attracts people; completely accepting yourself, finding your centre and radiating being at peace with yourself.
You focus on what you like again, and again, and again. I would recommend growing yourself spiritually. It takes away the focus from the ever hungry ego for acceptance and validation from the outside to make you happy. It's a fruitless complete waste of time and energy on this earth. Now this is a challenge. You can decide to take the journey or keep running around in circles trying to fix the 'problem', and trying to change others people's thoughts and perceptions of you. Stop trying to control that, you can't and you shouldn't.

There is a far, far deeper thing going on that is essentially the human condition, in all its variations, but at its core the same thing. We all have some hurdle, some difficulty or some or even many forms of suffering to endure and transcend. And it's often mostly in the mind and about how we learn to think about it. Don't run from it, notice it, let it be, and continue on, you're too busy focussing on the stuff that matters to you.
And when you realise your focus is the problem, the 'problem' will gradually evaporate, it will lose its power it will become irrelevant when you realise the infinite possibilities that are there. But you have to develop rituals, and be disciplined. Whether it's meditation, or simply watching a YouTube video every morning geared towards changing your perceptions and reality, I could go into details here but you get the jist, you have to keep it up until you have a habit and you will gradually find your focus changing, and your life improving.