Not invited to friend's wedding

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Not a serious one at all, just something that would be useful to get insight/advice on as I'm sure other people have been in my position.

A good friend from university is getting married in July and I'm pretty sure I won't be invited. He's already sending out invites and it doesn't look like I'll be making the cut. It's no big surprise to me I guess- both bride and groom have big families and my friend works in a particular industry which means he'll probably be obligated to invite lots of important work contacts etc.

I'm just a little disappointed as I know that a lot of my other friends from the same circle will be there and mainly because he's someone I'd consider a good friend and hold in high regard. For context, I've lived abroad for the last seven years or so, so contact with him is sporadic, once or twice a year etc. Whenever I happen to be in dublin basically, which isn't very often these days. we'd chat or send facebook messages for birthdays, etc.

I guess I understand logically that it's a numbers thing and you generally have to not take these things personally. It just kind of sucks. He's someone I'd probably have at my own wedding but how and ever. Has anyone been through the same?

DoctorBoo

OPENING POSTER wrote:

Ill take a line of coke before an interview out of fear that I'll be too nervous and not confident enough. It does the job. Ill take a valium if I'm nervous about going somewhere new or doing something difficult. It calms me and it does the job.

I suppose I am on the other side of the fence. I'm getting married, but because of a small budget and a big family, there are loads of friends I would love to invite, but can't. It's not a reflection on your friendship, it's about the practicalities of the situation.

Daledge

I feel your pain to a lesser extent. Was best mate a lad for years until we started drifting a little over the last few months due to work obligations and such. His brother got married about a month back and I never got an invite to it.

Now I can understand why, I was mates with the grooms brother, not the groom, but I still knew the groom quite well. All of our mutual friends (between the grooms brother and I) were invited so I don't see it as a numbers thing. We had talked about how much were looking forward to the wedding in extent in the months building up to it so I was a small bit disappointed. I'm not a bitter person though I'm not going to hold it against anyone and I certainly won't say anything as I can understand why but that's just my two cents.

seamus

If there's one thing that's bound to give you a stark insight to someone, it's a wedding.

Some people are really bad at the whole thing. Not responding to invites, not really considering it a big deal, only sending invites to people they think will have fun as opposed to people they want to be there.

To some people, weddings are a burden. So they avoid burdening friends with it and just stick to family and others they thinks it's right to invite.

In your case though it does stick out to me that you were friends from college (as opposed to childhood friends), and you've been in sporadic contact for the last 7 years because you've been abroad.

From your point of view he might be one of your core "home" friends. But he has made other friends in that period, a pile of people that he speaks to twice a week, not twice a year. As hard as it can be to hear, he might just consider you a casual friend. Someone he'll meet for a beer if you happen to text, but not someone he'd consider for a two week holiday or a wedding.

Penn

noweddingbells wrote: »

For context, I've lived abroad for the last seven years or so, so contact with him is sporadic, once or twice a year etc. Whenever I happen to be in dublin basically, which isn't very often these days. we'd chat or send facebook messages for birthdays, etc.

Are you sure that's not the main reason? Leaving aside how little you contact each other, maybe since you live abroad and only come home once or twice a year means he either presumed you wouldn't be able to make it, or didn't want you to feel obliged to make an extra trip home (depending how far abroad you are, could be a huge disruption and cost just for one day where he'd be so busy he'd barely get to talk to you there anyway).

I'm sure it's disappointing not to be asked especially with a lot of your mutual friends going, but it'd be different if you were still in regular (at least monthly) contact and lived in Ireland. For what you described though, it doesn't seem like there's enough contact between the two of you, as well as the huge effort you'd have to make to be there, for him to have invited you, even if you both consider yourself to still be good friends.

Thelomen Toblackai

noweddingbells wrote: »

For context, I've lived abroad for the last seven years or so, so contact with him is sporadic, once or twice a year etc. Whenever I happen to be in dublin basically, which isn't very often these days. we'd chat or send facebook messages for birthdays, etc

Unless your other friends have the same level of contact and got wedding invites I wouldn't feel too bad about it. Sounds like you're old friends still keeping in touch rather than close friends.

mada82

To keep it brief, I wouldn't invite someone who I only spoke to twice a year to a wedding.

Wesser

i know it really hurts but dont take it personally. we all have to swallow hurt like this sometimes

zoobizoo

You don't know that you haven't been invited.

I invited some people to my wedding who were very old friends who I saw maybe once every year or two.

freshpopcorn

I've known people to get very little notice about weddings. So, you might still get invited.

Ursus Horribilis

Is it possible that he sees the friendship differently to you? What you've described regarding the contact ye have these days doesn't suggest you're good friends at all. You're abroad, you only contact him once or twice a year and only catch up on the rare occasions you're home. It looks more like old friends who touch base every now and then to me, not people who are still a big part of each other's lives. Perhaps because you're living abroad, you see things differently?

As an aside, it's a bit odd that you don't keep in more contact if you think he's a good friend. There are so many ways of keeping in contact with people abroad now, it shouldn't be an issue.

The other way of looking at it is that he might not want to put you to the expense of travelling home. If you're not coming home often because you live far away, that's something to consider. And if you're just not the type who comes home very often and keeps just sporadic contact, maybe he thinks you're doing your own thing and aren't very interested in keeping in touch.

LegacyUser

Original poster here. Thanks for all of the feedback. Some harsh truths there that have helped me to process things.

I think the posters who said maybe we view our friendship differently are spot on. I'd have a few people that I'd still consider good friends from college but living abroad presents its own challenges when it comes to maintaining the same level of contact and interaction that we had when I was back in Dublin. In real terms, I'm just not a part of their lives anymore in the same way and while for me, that hasn't affected how I see our friendship, the reality is that they've got their own circles now.

I don't, really - i've got a very busy job that requires a lot of travel and a partner and outside of that, my social life is fairly limited. I guess it's taken a milestone event such as a wedding to make me see the reality of things. My friendship circle hasn't really grown in any big way since I left ireland and neglecting my social life is something Im starting to regret when I see people I still thought of as good friends not really factoring me in anymore. It's hard but entirely my own doing.

This guy in particular knows half of Dublin and his fiancee has her own circle so I think I'll just have to learn from this and try to expand on my social circle in my country of residence, as well as investing more time in those old friends I hold so dear.

Thanks to all for taking the time to post. Happy Easter :-)

blairbear

OP, this kind of thing happens for everyone with weddings. My best friend is organizing her wedding at the moment and so many people "expect" an invite that I know won't be getting one. Not everyone has a large wedding and many people really only invite close friends and family that they see very regularly.

In the last 2 years, I've had a invite rescinded having originally received a Save the Date, and also not been invited to the wedding of a good friend from college as I used to date her bridesmaid's husband.
I was initially a bit hurt and unimpressed. It stung somewhat seeing the pictures on fb on the day, but then I just forgot about it.

Seeing someone that little would not constitute a close friendship for most people. Weddings are so expensive! Young couples often put themselves under a lot of pressure to spend so much on them, which is a pity. They can't afford to invite everyone.

Sun in Capri

In situations such as these, we sometimes learn that the relationship we think we have with someone, is not the relationship they see they have with us.

witchgirl26

OP I wouldn't be too harsh on either yourself or your friend. I know that I may not get invited to one of my best friends weddings because they are keeping it quite small and both have large families. I'm a little upset I won't get to share her day but get the reasoning behind it.

I wouldn't expect to get an invite to a friends wedding who I hadn't seen properly in a while and only kept in touch with a couple of times a year. Cutting down the numbers to a manageable and affordable level is really difficult and often it's those friends with less contact that drop off the list first. It's not a reflection on your friendship or saying that he doesn't want to be friends but more that numbers are limited.

pilly

OP, I understand fully where you're coming from but also where your friend is coming from. I think when your living abroad you actually place more importance on old friendships than people who are still living at home if that makes sense?

Also, I agree with a previous poster in that he could think that it would be putting pressure on you to come home if he invites you.

4ensic15

It happens at all weddings. There are 2 people getting married. Both have to approve everyone. The parents want to bring friends and relations. There are always compromises. Everyone can't be invited.

Ursus Horribilis

I think, as the OP acknowledged in his update, that maintaining friendships as you move into your 20s takes a bit of effort. It's not something that most people think about when they're at school or college. At that stage of their life, their friends are just there. Once people start going their separate ways and get wrapped up in jobs, relationships etc., it's all too easy to let friendships slide.