Dad acting weird and out of character- is it me?

cazzer22

Hi all,
Have debated about posting this for a while because I'm not sure anyone can give me an answer but I'm just looking for perspective/advice as maybe some of you have experienced something similar.
I have always been relatively close to my parents and they would always have been interested in what's going on in my life. They live about 4 hours from me as I'm based in Dublin. I go home about every 1-2 months, depending on work etc.
Since August, I have been feeling different around them. My dad ALWAYS rang me once a week, not at a set time/date, but always rang. We would catch up and it would be lovely. He hasn't rang me since August or expressed any interest in my life. He doesn't text me or even appear to care. I tried to call on a few occasions/text and go very little in return. To my knowledge, I haven't done anything to upset him (as I rarely see him). My mum would text me the odd time, but nothing major. Even before Christmas, they didn't even ask me when I'd be down (which was unusual) and instead contacted my brother (who was travelling down with me). They were near Dublin last weekend at an event and I suggested a coffee and I would travel to them to meet up either before or after. They declined and said it 'was too much hassle' and I didn't see them. I'm supposed to be heading home for Easter and really really don't want to. I haven't spoken to my dad since I was last home whatsoever (6 weeks ago) and yet again, they don't seem overly bothered about me even coming home.
I feel like my dad is going through a rough time and maybe can't communicate properly. Whenever I do speak to him, I feel like he's consumed in his own thoughts and appears totally disinterested, which is horrible. I feel like I've lost any relationship with my dad and it's really sad because I would have always rang him about anything I was concerned about or just to catch up and I just don't get that anymore.
Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before? Maybe it's a mid-life crisis of some description, but I'm just not sure what it is. It's been upsetting me for a while and despite trying to broach the topic with my mum, I haven't got anywhere.

Dial Hard

If you think your dad is going through a tough time but just can't communicate it then I'd be redoubling my efforts to reach out to him, not feeling affronted that he isn't making the effort you seem to think he should.

Just keep talking to him, keep in contact, keep trying. Also, ask your mam is he ok. It doesn't seem as if you've spoken to her at all about this.

cazzer22

Dial Hard wrote: »

If you think your dad is going through a tough time but just can't communicate it then I'd be redoubling my efforts to reach out to him, not feeling affronted that he isn't making the effort you seem to think he should.

Just keep talking to him, keep in contact, keep trying. Also, ask your mam is he ok. It doesn't seem as if you've spoken to her at all about this.

I don't know this he's going through a hard time for sure. I am trying to think of logical reasons why he's acting differently, this is just one of the reasons I was debating. It's not that I think he 'should' be making the effort, it's that he has done this all along, so why the sudden change in behaviour? It's like two polar opposite people. Well, at least, that's how it feels.
As I mentioned at the end of the post, I have tried broaching it with my mum, on numerous occasions, only to be told 'he's just stressed with work, don't worry about it.' or 'No, he's fine.''. I don't feel like my dad is going to be open with me if I broach it with him either. I have tried reaching out to him by calling if he hasn't for a while, but often I get voicemail or he'll call back but not give me much effort and it's difficult to make conversation. I get that I need to keep trying, but It's incredibly difficult to try with someone who just doesn't seem to want to have a conversation.

ongarboy

Out of interest OP, how come you haven't broached the subject directly with your dad? Not so much about his own personal behaviour but as to why he doesn't ring you or keep in touch with you like he used to?   What did your mother actually say when you broached the subject with her?  Did you use the opportunity to say you felt her relationship with you seems to have gone more distant also (eg seemingly indifferent to when or if you visit home, infrequent contact etc) as while your dad's behaviour might have changed more markedly, your mother's seems to have also.
Bear in mind as well that the dynamic may have shifted somewhat now that you are a grown up.  I'm guessing you are early 20s (user name suggests 22?) so you may have recently transitioned from fully dependent child to independent adult. Maybe your parents are still trying to get used to that dynamic and are unsure how to deal with it.  Would you feel comfortable sharing your concerns with your brother and see if he has also noticed changes in the relationship with his parents and in particular his dad?
It sounds like there are communication issues in the family in general if none of you feel comfortable directly approaching eachother about what is making you unhappy.  Delicate subjects are often difficult to bring up but still, you should feel able to discuss such concerns with family members if open communication was the norm in such a family. I'm sensing it wasn't if you can't or if denial is the response you are getting.

LegacyUser

Any events in your life or parent's lives over the last 12-18 months? Retirement? An illness? Death of someone close to them or of comparable age or situation? Birth of a grandchild? Did you start a new relationship? Any catalyst for a change in mood or behaviour even if it doesn't initially look related?

If the answer is yes, maybe try talking to him about that. If the answer is no, either ask him directly why he's changed or perhaps ask your mother if there's been any events you're not aware of.

cazzer22

ongarboy wrote: »

Out of interest OP, how come you haven't broached the subject directly with your dad? Not so much about his own personal behaviour but as to why he doesn't ring you or keep in touch with you like he used to?   What did your mother actually say when you broached the subject with her?  Did you use the opportunity to say you felt her relationship with you seems to have gone more distant also (eg seemingly indifferent to when or if you visit home, infrequent contact etc) as while your dad's behaviour might have changed more markedly, your mother's seems to have also.
Bear in mind as well that the dynamic may have shifted somewhat now that you are a grown up.  I'm guessing you are early 20s (user name suggests 22?) so you may have recently transitioned from fully dependent child to independent adult. Maybe your parents are still trying to get used to that dynamic and are unsure how to deal with it.  Would you feel comfortable sharing your concerns with your brother and see if he has also noticed changes in the relationship with his parents and in particular his dad?
It sounds like there are communication issues in the family in general if none of you feel comfortable directly approaching eachother about what is making you unhappy.  Delicate subjects are often difficult to bring up but still, you should feel able to discuss such concerns with family members if open communication was the norm in such a family. I'm sensing it wasn't if you can't or if denial is the response you are getting.

Hey, thanks so much for your reply. I made this account a few years ago and I'm actually almost 26. I've been living out of home since I was 12 (boarding school + straight to college) so have been very independent from a young age. I guess I haven't broached the conversation with my dad because he can be very dismissive and isn't the easiest person to discuss matters like this. He would brush me off (I know this is an assumption) and it's a difficult conversation to have as I don't want to feel like i'm prying.
When I spoke to my mum I mentioned that I felt he wasn't himself and he wasn't interested in maintaining contact and she said 'I haven't noticed that at all, it could be stress with work and I wouldn't worry about it'. We couldn't really discuss it further at the time because my dad was actually there as well and we had limited time. I discussed it with her over text and she offered to discuss it with him and let me know what he said. I asked her not to as I felt I would prefer to have this conversation with him.
The nature of his job means he's always out and about and whenever I am home, he's usually not there, or popping in and out. It makes it incredibly difficult to get him alone.
I guess, you're right, there are communication issues for sure. When I said it to my mum, she just brushed me off and told me not to worry about it, when she could clearly tell I was worried. I feel like I talk to my mum a little more than I used to and I would've been always more close with my dad.
Great advice re my brother. My brother and sister live abroad and I have discussed it with them. My brother said he (my dad) has gone very quiet and he always has to ring them to catch up. He suggested I make a little more effort on that front, so I did, for a while at least. I know I'm not exactly perfect as I haven't rang them either, but it's just difficult.
I just don't know what has changed.
As you said, maybe they are adjusting to all of us being away, but that has been the case for all of us all along so it's hard to know if that's the cause?

December2012

If you go home at Easter, can you and Dad go for a pint or a coffee, or a walk or something? Just to catch up and be in each other's company for a bit?

There may be something going on that your Mam doesn't want you to worry about, or you each could have simply slipped into bad habits

cazzer22

Guessed wrote: »

Any events in your life or parent's lives over the last 12-18 months? Retirement? An illness? Death of someone close to them or of comparable age or situation? Birth of a grandchild? Did you start a new relationship? Any catalyst for a change in mood or behaviour even if it doesn't initially look related?

If the answer is yes, maybe try talking to him about that. If the answer is no, either ask him directly why he's changed or perhaps ask your mother if there's been any events you're not aware of.

Thanks for the reply. There's nothing major that has happened. My brother moved away to another country and he was living relatively close to home and I know that hit my dad quite hard and they were really upset when he was leaving. It isn't a permanent move by any means. I have been going out with the same guy for ages but they keep bringing up the future/retirement/marriage and maybe they feel we're all moving on or something?
I know I need to ask him directly, but it's difficult to know how to word it.

cazzer22

December2012 wrote: »

If you go home at Easter, can you and Dad go for a pint or a coffee, or a walk or something? Just to catch up and be in each other's company for a bit?

There may be something going on that your Mam doesn't want you to worry about, or you each could have simply slipped into bad habits

Yeah I can suggest going for a walk and stuff for sure. It's going to be hard because it's one of my dad's busiest times of the year for work and I'm only going to be home for 3-4 days. Hopefully we'll get a chance to discuss it.
I did suggest it before that we go for a coffee and we did for all of ten minutes and he was very antsy calling my brother to see where he was etc. It just felt like he wasn't comfortable in my company anymore. I will definitely suggest doing something alone.

freshpopcorn

cazzer22 wrote: »

Great advice re my brother. My brother and sister live abroad and I have discussed it with them. My brother said he (my dad) has gone very quiet and he always has to ring them to catch up. He suggested I make a little more effort on that front, so I did, for a while at least. I know I'm not exactly perfect as I haven't rang them either, but it's just difficult.

Now, this might be way off but I saw a family relationship get stained before because one person just got sick of doing all the contacting So, I'd ring him a bit more. Their might be an issue or they might be nothing.

cazzer22

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Now, this might be way off but I saw a family relationship get stained before because one person just got sick of doing all the contacting So, I'd ring him a bit more. Their might be an issue or they might be nothing.

Thanks for that. You could well be right. I have a feeling there may be something more going on behind the scenes.

stevetopper

Perhaps its just a case of he's not that into you or you've grown into a person he doesn't particularly like? Seems like he doesn't like being in your company by your description and squirms to get away the odd time you do meet. He might think he doesn't have to make an effort to play the father role now you're an fully fledged adult. By the sounds of it work always came first if they're sending you off the boarding school from a very young age. Maybe just try coming to terms that he's just a bad father.

cazzer22

stevetopper wrote: »

Perhaps its just a case of he's not that into you or you've grown into a person he doesn't particularly like? Seems like he doesn't like being in your company by your description and squirms to get away the odd time you do meet He might think he doesn't have to make an effort to play the father role now you're an fully fledged adult. By the sounds of it work always came first if they're sending you off the boarding school from a very young age. Maybe just try coming to terms that he's just a bad father.

I think this is VERY harsh considering you know limited information. Actually, he isn't a bad father, he's been a great father and my apologies if that hasn't come across to you. I don't understand how you can make the judgement of 'comes to terms that's he's just a bad father' based on the information I've given.
Just because I was sent to boarding school doesn't mean work came first, it just means that's what they decided. I personally wouldn't send any kids I may have to boarding school, but it happened, it doesn't mean they chose work.
It could be the fact that he doesn't feel he needs to be as involved as before and that's fine, but he hasn't expressed that and he has just pulled all contact, hence why I'm a little confused.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to contact him more. Your first post seems to suggest that you think they have a better relationship with your brother, but then you admit that your brother has said he's the one contacting him.

Anything could be going on in your dad's life that he doesn't want to discuss with you. Anything. Work stress, health scare, marriage difficulties, money worries, general over all worries about getting older, depression, it could be anything. If you used to be close and he doesn't make much of an effort anymore it's up to you to make an effort. You don't need to have a heavy conversation with him, but a quick phone call, general chit chat. He's your dad, but he's just a man, and sometimes things are going on in our lives that consume us and we can neglect relationships. It doesn't have to be all or nothing with you. You shouldn't expect him to always make contact with you.

I'd suggest you give him a quick ring today, if he doesn't answer send a short general text. 'Haven't spoken to you in ages, hope you're well. Looking forward to seeing you all at Easter". Or whatever is normal for you.

stevetopper

cazzer22 wrote: »

I think this is VERY harsh considering you know limited information. Actually, he isn't a bad father, he's been a great father and my apologies if that hasn't come across to you. I don't understand how you can make the judgement of 'comes to terms that's he's just a bad father' based on the information I've given.
Just because I was sent to boarding school doesn't mean work came first, it just means that's what they decided. I personally wouldn't send any kids I may have to boarding school, but it happened, it doesn't mean they chose work.
It could be the fact that he doesn't feel he needs to be as involved as before and that's fine, but he hasn't expressed that and he has just pulled all contact, hence why I'm a little confused.

It's admirable that you're so loyal to him despite his complete coldness to you.

Unless there's very particular circumstances sending a child to boarding school during your formative years is a selfish parental choice imo and neglectful, gives you a insight into where their priorities lie.

cazzer22

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you need to contact him more. Your first post seems to suggest that you think they have a better relationship with your brother, but then you admit that your brother has said he's the one contacting him.

Anything could be going on in your dad's life that he doesn't want to discuss with you. Anything. Work stress, health scare, marriage difficulties, money worries, general over all worries about getting older, depression, it could be anything. If you used to be close and he doesn't make much of an effort anymore it's up to you to make an effort. You don't need to have a heavy conversation with him, but a quick phone call, general chit chat. He's your dad, but he's just a man, and sometimes things are going on in our lives that consume us and we can neglect relationships. It doesn't have to be all or nothing with you. You shouldn't expect him to always make contact with you.

I'd suggest you give him a quick ring today, if he doesn't answer send a short general text. 'Haven't spoken to you in ages, hope you're well. Looking forward to seeing you all at Easter". Or whatever is normal for you.

Thanks for this. I just called about a half hour ago and left a message on the voicemail as he didn't pick up. Will go from there. I don't expect that at all believe me. I used to call him if I hadn't heard from him, but then his phone calls stopped altogether which I thought was strange.

LegacyUser

cazzer22 wrote: »

My brother moved away to another country and he was living relatively close to home and I know that hit my dad quite hard and they were really upset when he was leaving.

You can't call this nothing major. I obviously don't know the dynamic, but if this upset him, it'll have changed how he relates to all of you and how he feels about himself. The fact it's not planned to be permanent is irrelevant, your brother is gone for now and might decide to stay, so it might as well be forever. It sounds to me like your dad is grieving for the loss of your brother and don't imagine grief is only for physical death. He may have been asking about your future plans out of fear as much as love, starting to dread you moving on because he sees it as another loss, or starting to see less of a role for himself as one has flown the nest and now you might take another step away. I'm guessing, but all those thoughts come to most fathers at some stage.

I think this might be the place to start - "You're missing Tom, aren't you?" and see what happens. I'd say don't do it somewhere with pressure to talk with no distractions, which is all a coffee or pint is, there's no hiding place if the conversation gets into uncomfortable territory for him. Go and do something with him, work, clear out the garage, fix the garden fence, whatever. Better still, ask him for help with something. As they say in Men's Sheds, men don't talk face to face, they talk shoulder to shoulder. It's easier to sustain a dialogue when you only have to make every 5/6th sentence an intimate one and the rest can be "pass the hammer" and the feeling of being needed might bring him out more.

Sunny Dayz

I'm guessing your Dad is about late 50's/early 60's?
I know it gets bandied about but there is a such thing as a mid life crisis.
You wouldn't think it but there are quite a number of changes when people get into their 50s:
Work/ redundancy/ retirement worries, marital issues, "empty nest", health concerns, elderly parents, immortality, loss of friends/relatives through illness, death, etc etc


Has he got any hobbies/ interests and if so is he still involved in those?

Neyite

stevetopper wrote: »

It's admirable that you're so loyal to him despite his complete coldness to you.

Unless there's very particular circumstances sending a child to boarding school during your formative years is a selfish parental choice imo and neglectful, gives you a insight into where their priorities lie.

Mod:

You are reaching here, please drop it. The OP has already stated that your theory doesn't apply in their case and they likely know the reasons for boarding better than anyone.

amtc

Perhaps terribly simplistic but I noticed my dad more distant on the phone. He didn't phone as much or would e-mail me. Turned out he simply couldn't hear and was terrified he was going deaf. Solved by getting a new phone!

cazzer22

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

I'm guessing your Dad is about late 50's/early 60's?
I know it gets bandied about but there is a such thing as a mid life crisis.
You wouldn't think it but there are quite a number of changes when people get into their 50s:
Work/ redundancy/ retirement worries, marital issues, "empty nest", health concerns, elderly parents, immortality, loss of friends/relatives through illness, death, etc etc


Has he got any hobbies/ interests and if so is he still involved in those?

Thanks for the reply. I actually had considered mid-life crisis a lot and had even looked up signs to look out for etc. You're right, there are lots of changes, absolutely. They got a new dog and he takes the dog out for lots of walks and stuff. He's in a choir and enjoys that. He loves rugby, but hasn't gone to any matches lately (which is unusual in itself). I have noticed his social circle has become a lot smaller, meaning that, people he used to be friends with he seems to have 'cut out' for very minor reasons. It's very bizarre.

cazzer22

Guessed wrote: »

You can't call this nothing major. I obviously don't know the dynamic, but if this upset him, it'll have changed how he relates to all of you and how he feels about himself. The fact it's not planned to be permanent is irrelevant, your brother is gone for now and might decide to stay, so it might as well be forever. It sounds to me like your dad is grieving for the loss of your brother and don't imagine grief is only for physical death. He may have been asking about your future plans out of fear as much as love, starting to dread you moving on because he sees it as another loss, or starting to see less of a role for himself as one has flown the nest and now you might take another step away. I'm guessing, but all those thoughts come to most fathers at some stage.

I think this might be the place to start - "You're missing Tom, aren't you?" and see what happens. I'd say don't do it somewhere with pressure to talk with no distractions, which is all a coffee or pint is, there's no hiding place if the conversation gets into uncomfortable territory for him. Go and do something with him, work, clear out the garage, fix the garden fence, whatever. Better still, ask him for help with something. As they say in Men's Sheds, men don't talk face to face, they talk shoulder to shoulder. It's easier to sustain a dialogue when you only have to make every 5/6th sentence an intimate one and the rest can be "pass the hammer" and the feeling of being needed might bring him out more.

Yeah, you're right. Maybe it's a major thing for him I guess I just took it for granted because my sister was already away that another one of us wouldn't make a huge difference either. I will try my best to broach it with him over that kind of scenario and see what happens. Thank you.

retro:electro

cazzer22 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. I actually had considered mid-life crisis a lot and had even looked up signs to look out for etc. You're right, there are lots of changes, absolutely. They got a new dog and he takes the dog out for lots of walks and stuff. He's in a choir and enjoys that. He loves rugby, but hasn't gone to any matches lately (which is unusual in itself). I have noticed his social circle has become a lot smaller, meaning that, people he used to be friends with he seems to have 'cut out' for very minor reasons. It's very bizarre.

It sounds like he's depressed, tbh..

lurker2000

Hi Cazzer22 - I think you feel that your dad's distance means he doesn't love you as much as he did but unless there was something major that happened between you, it's more likely that its something else - from reading about his changing behaviour I would wonder about depression or even possibly the early onset of dementia, these can change someones personality quite dramatically . However, it could also be the lesser issue of something weighing heavily on his mind, financial worries, problems in the marriage etc. You need to talk to the other members of your family and they too might be concerned and have not voiced their fears as yet. I doubt your dad loves you any less than he did, but he may be doing the classic male 'keeping everything bottled up', perhaps you could go home a little more often, take him out for a spin and lunch and try to gently probe him to open up.If there is an issue with your dad, your mother too will be affected - you need to see if she's ignoring it in the hope it will go away or is worried sick, either way, she should welcome your support in the matter. Parents of children (no matter how old they are) tend to try and shield you from the bad news, but as this has already started to burrow into your happiness, you need to get to the bottom of it. I hope its something minor and that you can all work it out. Good luck !

up for anything

Your brother moving away may not be a minor thing to your father. It could be like a full on bereavement for him. I have a friend whose daughter went to Canada to work for the summer after she finished her degree. She's still there three and half years later. He is still really hurt, upset and sad that she stayed and says that she didn't even try to get a job here at home etc. He wouldn't go and visit her there because he said that would be like him approving of what she did. It's only this year that he is going over there to see her and her life there and that is because she has said she is returning to Ireland this year. I find his attitude really strange but he is grieving badly for her even though she has been home every year. It could be that your father is feeling as deeply about your brother going away as that. That depth of feeling can taint everything in someone's life until they reach acceptance, if ever.

Something it can be difficult even for relatively adult children to take on board is that parents are people with real feelings and issues too. Maybe your dad is suffering from a late mid-life crisis - it's kind of scary when you get to the stage that your generation are the next lot of funerals and it could be you. It makes it more urgent to reassess your priorities and how you envision the rest of your life. If he has changed as much as that towards you, then your mother may be playing it low key because either she cannot have failed to notice it or he has changed towards her too. You're not there often so might not see it.

I think despite it being the busiest time of the year for his work etc. that you need to say to him that you really want to spend some time alone with him over Easter and maybe if you can, make it easy by ensuring there is someone who will cover for him if possible. It should be possible to get even an hour alone with him. An very early morning walk, a late night walk, a drive, a coffee, lunch? If he won't make the time or opportunity maybe you need to ask him straight out what is wrong and don't let him sidestep the issue.

MouseTail

It could be anything OP, empty nest syndrome, mid life crisis, depression, worries about work, marriage trouble, an affair. It is very unlikely to have anything to do with you at all. He probably wont confide in you, but I think you should go down to visit and get some time together and attempt to reconnect.

Sun in Capri

Maybe get your Mam and Dad together and be open and honest and tell them how concerned you are and ask if there is anything wrong, that they can share anything with you. Tell them why you are concerned and that something has changed and you are worried and would like to talk to them, to help if there is anything wrong.

Midnight Sundance

Maybe your parents are thinking that you're not that interested in them so there's no point in making the effort anymore and are waiting to see if you are willing to pick up the phone or visit more often? I know I'm probably way off mark here but just something else to consider along with all the other suggestions.
The only reason I'm suggesting this is because I had a eureka moment with a friend years ago whereby I realised I was making all the effort and decided yo wait but and see would she pick up the phone. Needless to say I realised I was the one keepin that friendship alive and it's no longer a close friendship.