Friend causing drama

LegacyUser

Hey everyone im just looking for perspectives on this situation.. Sorry for the long post, thanks to anyone who gets through it. xx
About two years ago I had gotten out of an abusive relationship, moved back to my home town and within a few weeks started kind of dating this guy, he seemed really nice, very down to earth but after my last relationship I was taking it slow, we ended up sleeping together (drunken night) about 3 months in, after this he changed becoming jealous, possessive ect, we had never become an official couple and he knew about my last bf and that I wasnt looking for anything serious so I had a talk with him and told him I didnt have strong feelings and we can either be friends or go our separate ways, we had mutual friends so thats why I suggested friendship so things wouldn't be awkward and I felt we got on ok.

I thought this would put a stop to his possessive behaviour but he became increasingly jealous, controlling, he'd question me and accuse me of all sorts if he saw me speaking to another man (friends included), he'd invite me to events and id tell him I couldnt go, I genuinely couldnt I wasnt making excuses but he'd get very annoyed at me when I didnt show up, he'd follow my 'events' on facebook, show up to things that id clicked 'attending' then tell me later he was there waiting for me and get annoyed at me for not being there, it was like as if we had arranged to meet and I stood him up but in reality we hadnt made any plans together and I never told him I was going to these events.

I tried to back off and told my friend what was going on and I didnt want to be around him but she became really critical and sanctimonious towards me, basically telling me its my fault all of this is happening and like im in the wrong for not continuing to hang out with him.
She wasnt close to him at all but after I told her everything she started going to his gigs in town, she'd invite me out then invite him out with us without telling me and kept putting me in situations with him even though she knew it was uncomfortable for me so I told her to stop and told her if he's going to be there im not going out.

The final straw was one night she invited him out, we were all drinking in the pub (there was a group of us so it didnt feel too awkward) but at the end of the night we said our goodbyes and I headed off, about 15 minutes after I left I turned around and discovered this guy following me home, when I caught him walking behind me he said he thought I was going to a party or someones house and decided he'd come.
I cut contact entirely after this. My friend still tried putting me in these awkward situations so I stopped hanging out with her too. She continued meeting up with him, going for coffee ect but it tapered out after awhile.

So forward about 9 months later I slowly get back in contact with this friend and now im starting to see her conversing with this guy again, sharing his posts, commenting on his statuses and things he shares.

Am I wrong for feeling a bit annoyed about this? I dont understand why she's doing it? and its not something I can bring up with her because she's clearly doing it to get a reaction, so anything I say will be twisted to make me look bad. Just to add she's 34.

zoobizoo

You're right to feel very annoyed with her..... not just a bit.

What I don't understand is why you'd get back in touch with her after what she did...... which was trying to get you to meet up with a controlling abusive ex.

That is unforgivable.

cazzer22

The best course of action is to cut out this 'friend'. She really isn't your friend. She has gone against your wishes (hanging out with this man), put you in situations that have made you uncomfortable (which you've expressed to her and yet she continues to do) and is blaming you for this man's behaviour. I don't understand why you would want to be in touch with someone like this?
As the saying goes, don't cross an ocean for someone who wouldn't jump across a puddle for you. Life is too short to be stuck in friendships that only exist to benefit one person. Friendships are meant to be positive, nurturing, supportive and enjoyable. Cut this girl out and do not look back, you're better than this.

FitzElla

It actually sounds like she might have a thing for this guy and is completely blind to his abusive and controlling behavior. Arranging for him to be out on nights out was possibly more for her own benefit than yours.

Whatever the reason it doesn't matter. As a friend she should have respected what you told her and supported your (correct) decision to keep as much distance from this man as possible. You have already gotten out from 2 abusive relationships - you don't need another "friend" like this in your life. You have every right to annoyed. Whether it is forgivable is up to you, but think long and hard how much you want this person interfering in your life.

groovyg

Why did you get back in contact with her after this cooling off period? You can't trust her cut her out of your life completely. As for that guy what a psycho I think you should be very wary of him if he lives in the same town and hangs out with her.

JackTaylorFan

The following you home incident is alarming.

As another poster suggested, it sounds like this friend has a thing for him herself.

The reaction she had to you telling her you didn't want to be around this guy raises a question or two as well. Blaming you is not something a friend would do. Perhaps she is bitter about your relationship with him. Either way, she seems toxic. Get her out of your life.

kylith

I don't agree with the theory that she had a thing for him herself. It sounds to me like she saw you as being coy and playing hard to get rather than, rightly, freaked out, and was trying to 'help' by putting you in situations with this guy while being completely oblivious to how badly his behaviour was affecting you. From her point of view he wasn't stalking you, he was making a real effort to be places where ye could hang out. She's wrong, of course, but this could be how she sees it. It depends on what she would view as a healthy or normal relationship.

You've done without her for 9 months; you can do without her for the rest of your life.

Teyla Emmagan

That is genuinely one of the oddest things I have heard in a while. No one who really had your interests at heart would behave like this (unless as Kylith says they are a bit skewed themselves). You definitely don't need a "friend" like this though, who ignores your wishes and potentially puts you in unsafe situations. She was basically encouraging this guy on your behalf, God knows what she told him. And the next thing he is following you home!! That is mad stuff.

Get rid. She has a screw lose.

lurker2000

Why do we Irish always assume we are doing something wrong even when its plain to everyone that it's not us 'its them' ! You have the patience of a saint to have put up with this situation for so long - I'm in the camp for believing your 'friend' had a thing for this ex - the meeting for coffee afterwards points to it, her interest in seeing him, his interest in talking about you ... shoulder to cry on etc but he probably saw through it and kicked her to touch.

Back to him, he's completely obsessed and you have nothing to feel guilty about as you have given all the correct signals from initial gentle let down to the latter clear cut 'keep away' messages. You know his behaviour has been out of order, but the fact your 'friend' placed herself in his corner has made you doubt yourself - as we have all agreed here, she is no friend of yours ......... move on and make your facebook private to only those you trust...