What to say?

LegacyUser

Has anyone any idea how best to approach this? A neighbour has informed me that an adult family member is giving my young daughter food types she has known (diagnosed) allergies to. I haven't brought up the topic with my husband and due to the Easter break our child hasn't been in the house since.

My child would have been too young to tell me herself. However when I asked about her last visit and whether she ate xyz she could tell me she had. It wasn't a mistake or oversight as the neighbour told me my child's allergies were mentioned to her that exact afternoon.

This relative is very dismissive of food issues generally but my child has been hospitalised in the past with theirs so I'm finding this shocking.

Airyfairy12

Stop allowing the relative to mind/feed your child.

JimmyTClarke

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Stop allowing the relative to mind/feed your child.

Ditto, and confront the relative head on as to why they potentially (seemingly knowingly?) put your child in danger.

Chocolate fiend

However if there is to be any positive from the whole (awful) situation it is that your daughter did not have a reaction so that must be good news at least.

It could have gone the other way though and what would have happened then. Do not let this person mind your child again.

Stheno

Is the child allergic or in tolerant?

I'm allergic to penicillin and spent three weeks in hospital as a child as a result

My ohs daughter is intolerant of lots of food and gets cramps etc for a day or two if she eats them.

Big difference between the two

neonsofa

Stheno wrote: »

Is the child allergic or in tolerant?

I'm allergic to penicillin and spent three weeks in hospital as a child as a result

My ohs daughter is intolerant of lots of food and gets cramps etc for a day or two if she eats them.

Big difference between the two

Well the op said the child had been hospitalised as a result of the allergies before so im guessing allergies, but even if it is an intolerance, it is still something that should not have been given to the child (the person was aware of said intolerance). It's not up to other people to test exactly how intolerant the child is, or decide that cramps (or whatever reaction) aren't severe enough of a reaction to warrant total avoidance of certain foods. The person was aware of the issue and should not have given the food, especially when reminded of this.

Gregor Samsa

Stheno wrote: »

Is the child allergic or in tolerant?

I'm allergic to penicillin and spent three weeks in hospital as a child as a result

My ohs daughter is intolerant of lots of food and gets cramps etc for a day or two if she eats them.

Big difference between the two

The difference is really irrelevant in this situation. The child has had an adverse reaction to the food in the past, and the person has been told not to feed the child the food.

In any case, no one should ever be feeding a child food that they have been expressly told not to feed that child. It doesn't matter if it's for life-critical medical reasons, cultural, religious or political beliefs, or some crazy dietary quackery - one needs to respect the parent's wishes without question.

If this person can't comply, they should not be looking after the child. Trust is of the utmost importance when allowing someone the responsibility for looking after a child.

Walter H Price

Call whoever it is out straight away whatever they do / don't believe about food allergies is utter BS , this is your child if that adult doesn't want to respect what you have said they can or cannot have ... bar them from seeing the child until they agree.

Neyite

Stop any situation where the relative can feed the child unsupervised. Immediately. I'd be telling them straight why too. If anyone did that to my child, they'd be at risk of hospital treatment themselves so I admire your restraint. It's not their call whether or not they think you are wrong and the child is too young to know any better and too little to refuse the food.

They know the issues, presumably know that the child was hospitalised as a result- do they think our underfunded HSE do that on a whim or for the craic?

Whether intolerant or an allergy is irrelevant. They give your kid something to eat and she has a reaction to that food. Why the hell would you feed a kid something you know will give them a rash or pain or diarrhoea except for a power trip and wanting to be 'right'.

No unsupervised access is what I'd do.

Xterminator

Hi OP

Please dont allow your child be looked after in an unsafe environment. Protect your child and remove them immediately from the environment.

Make other arrangements.

you dont say if you are paying a family member to look after your child, & you describe the situation as visits. Put an end to these visits explain why, and that future visits will be in your home, with one of her parents present until such time as you are satisfied it wont happen again.

RosieDugs

My grandmother used to do this to my cousin deliberately when we were little. He had a severe allergy to certain food and she would maliciously give it to him and he would subsequently become very ill. she was a bitter twisted individual who was a miserable b*tch till the day she died. I think she got a buzz out of it because she was in control (my opinion only)

Get your child away from this person and never leave them with this person again!

SusieBlue

I wouldn't be beating around the bush with politeness or passive aggressiveness here - this woman knowingly, intentionally gave your child something that has been known to make her very ill.
She has shown no respect for your parental wishes, or any regard for the health of your child so I'd be ringing her up asking wtf she's playing at and making sure the child is never left alone in her company again. It doesn't matter how you found this out, she's the one in the wrong.

Seriously, what an ignorant nutcase, how dare she put any child in danger like that!

meeeeh

Op, what kind of relationship do you have with relative that you are afraid to approach them. And why wouldn't you mention it to your husband? Surely he is first person you would discuss this with. I can't help but feel this is a lot bigger than just about food. I am not questioning your concern and actions of other person were inexcusable but it might be beneficial to give a bit more information about the situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks all. I was starting to doubt myself. Yes an allergy, not an intolerance. Mother in law, as you may have guessed. My husband is only child. I would be worried about the fallout but I'm not having her put our child at risk. We are off work at the moment and for the next week and half, therefore I haven't said anything yet. She doesn't have access to my child at the moment. She's the childminder for which she receives payment. I will be finding another arrangement.

Neyite

If it's your MIL, then your husband, not you, should tell her that she's not minding your child any more. Otherwise she'll cause uproar and you'll end up being blamed.

pilly

Agreed, definitely up to your husband to sort this out.

One thing though, why would a neighbour be bringing this up? Be careful the neighbour hasn't got another motive.

I know you said you asked your child as well but kids sometimes have a tendency to say yes or no when they don't really mean it so be careful that you have the story straight.

If your child is allergic how come there were no signs if she did have the food?

njs030

pilly wrote: »

If your child is allergic how come there were no signs if she did have the food?

I'm guessing the child has something along the lines of chrohns or coeliac disease where it's a build up of certain foods that make her unwell rather than a nut allergy that results in instant hospitalisation.
It would make sense of the MIL's refusal to accept it to and is probably seen as mollycoddlying or over dramatising if there's no medication needed either.


Op let your husband deal with her and don't leave your child in her care again, your child's needs should be her first thought not proving you wrong!

up for anything

I realise that you don't to cause trouble between your husband and his mother but surely he would be as worried and concerned as you about his own child's health. He is in a better position to admonish her and tell her again in no uncertain terms that she has to stick to the child's doctor's diet advice and remind her of the hospitalisation. Get the neighbour to tell him what she/he told you. If your MIL is the child's minder than it doubly important that she stick to diet restrictions and if she can't then she should be told that her services, sadly, are no longer required.