hurt by an old friend

LegacyUser

I am a single female age 35.
I am part of a whatsapp group for a large circle of friends that have been in my life for a long time and we were thrown together due to a work situation, some are close and some not so close. One of the girls in the group invited one of the other girls in the group out for dinner as she was up in Dublin for a Saturday night. Im in Dublin every Saturday night but she never asks me out. Im really hurt by this.
I know that im 35 and there are bigger problems out there in life. I know that people will say that this is something that Im focussing on due to the lack of distraction of kids etc and i need to get a life but \I have a very busy job, a good social life and lots going on in my life. This girl didn't ask me to join the girls for dinner because fundamentally, she doesnt really want me there, I don't think she minds hanging out with me, and I think she is happy to have a bit of a laugh with me, but she doesn't WANT me there, im not important to her, she doesnt value my company, ill do.....but that's it? I feel that she feels unconfortable around me, I say the wrong things, they just blurt out before I can hold them in, I miss social cues. I feel deeply vunerable and ashamed admitting this. I m hurt by this as I feel it is my fault that im not wanted. at the age of 35 I thought this kind of stuff is over but apparently not. I am mature woman and I feel floored by this, the hurt that one woman can do to another. I could have a good cry just sitting here thinking it, how I have messed up, how I want to be wanted.

rainbowtrout

It can be hard to be on your own when you see other friends get into relationships etc, but step back and look at this situation for a minute. You said in your opening line that you are close to some of the girls and not so close to some of the others. Is this girl one of the ones you are not close to? If so, then it is an over reaction to not being invited along. Also, she might be closer to the other girl she met up with for dinner. Maybe she wanted to discuss something with her privately that she didn't want to share with the group. That this girl didn't ask you to dinner doesn't mean you're not wanted by anyone.

Merkin

You said yourself that within the group some people are close and others aren't. This simply sounds like you're not as close to this girl as the girl she wanted to go for dinner with. It's no hige reflection on you, it's normal that everyone gets on with some people better than others.

zoobizoo

Consider this scenario:

You were invited out to dinner as well, with the girl you don't really get on with and then an hour later you get an offer to go out with a better friend, someone who you do get on with, what would you have done? (I know I'd have ditched the first offer to go out and have more fun with a better friend)


But think about it logically. You don't get on particularly well with this other girl. You don't have a lot to talk about and when you are in each others company, you feel as if you make a fool of yourself

Given the choice, on nights out, would you prefer that she not be there?


"The hurt that one woman can do to another" - that's not her. That's you. She's not hurting you. You are feeling hurt.

We aren't going to get on with everyone and not everyone is going to like us and when we realise who the people are, with whom we will never have a decent level of rapport, it's a relief as we can stop bothering trying to make a massive effort to get them to like us.

Focus on your proper friendships and see those other relationships for what they are - friends of friends.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your messages I appreciate

JackTaylorFan

Yeah, I have to agree with other replies here. It sounds like it was two close friends getting together - aside from the whatsapp group. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing the same thing - i.e. inviting someone you get along with from within the group to get together on a separate occasion.

Unless this girl is actively setting up group activities with members but specifically leaving you out of the loop - you are overthinking it.

GingerLily

A pair of friends should be allowed to meet up together whatever the circumstances and not feel guilty about hurting a grown women's feelings.

If it was a group of people, mostly from the group, then yes you'd have a right to feel a little looked over, but it's not fair to expect to be included in every small social meet up just because your in a whatsapp group.

Minera

Hi techfin I know exactly how you feel I have a group of old school friends who regularly meet without me and it took a long time for me to accept that they just didn't like me as much as I liked them. Like you my company was tolerated rather than wanted. It really hurts but there is only so much someone can take before you start thinking well f*@# them!
What made me get over it was the realisation that these girls never travelled (like never) and have never been away from our hometown for more than a few nights whereas I worked away for 6 yrs and there isn't much of Europe I haven't been to! My friend scope is much larger than theirs so it's probable that we don't actually have much in common anymore!
So the advice I have is recognise your feelings and move past it focus on the people and things that make you smile

lurker2000

You initially said that the girl invited one other friend who was in Dublin to meet - then you said 'the girl didn't ask me to join the girls...' not sure if this was a typo because there are two scenario's here, the first is a one-on-one which other posters have agreed is socially permissible - the second one is that a group were invited and you were left out, this would be mean spirited.

I don't think its the latter but you are reacting as if it was. Like most Irish people, you are over analysing your perceived social gaffs, I do this all the time. I have a night out, a few drinks, be the life and soul and the following morning begin to pick my behaviour apart and chastise myself - then I meet up with someone who was there and sheepishly apologise only to be told that all no one considered I'd stained my bib. This other girl probably likes you well enough but she's just got a closer bond with the other friend and that's the way life is and you need to stop letting it undermine your confidence. You mention that you have a great social life outside this group, just concentrate on them or others from the old group that you feel close to and move on for your own sake.

LegacyUser

hi there, OP here.
thanks for all your messages.
at jacktaylor fan and also gingerlily...yes it is a group that frequently get together and not just one individual, yes it is frequent happening and not a once off, sorry i didnt put that in my OP.
i still thank you foryour input and agree with you
At minera, i think you haveunderstood me weel,it is very hurtul, I wull just have to get over it and accept I am not wanted, it is hard to know you are not wanted, i think the n
basic problem for me is that i feel it is my fault and so it stings.
anyway, feeling better already. onward and upward. thanks for all your time