How to explain to my 4 year old that she is being bullied?

Hyphy

Hello,

Our next door neighbor is a little older than my daughter. She is also the neighborhood boss. She seems to run all the kids in the neighborhood around, always picking their games and only she can do certain things, getting very upset at the other kids if they do things she decided only she can do. She is also a serial liar and will tell adults absolutly anything. One time there was a spat between her and another neighborhood kid. There was a bit of light shoving, but the other kids mum and I broke it up before anything happened. Then she got a gaggle of kids together and started having them go around claiming the other kid punched her. She even tried to convince me and the kids mum thats what happened and we were there!

My little one is very keen to make friends, and always wants to play with the neighbor. Today I let my kiddo go over and ask her to play. I had hoped without a bunch of cronies around, the neighbor would be nicer. The whole time they played outside, the neighbor was bossing my kiddo around, and being rude in general to her. They started playing with some dolls and my kid was told that her dolls were naughty and they had to go to sleep, so she just watched her "friend" play with two dolls, and each time she tried to wake hers up to join in, she would get yelled at. It was more like she was an audiance instead of a playmate.

The neighbor started flipping water out of a tub with her dolls, and then said, lets play get ourselves all wet! She splashed me, and my kid, but when my kiddo joined in, she was told that splashing wasn't nice by the neighbor. Each game they played, was more of the same. "I can drive the car, you can't." "I can lead the way, you can't." ect. Any time my kid had an objection, she was just told no.

I tried to explain to my kiddo after I brought her in to change her clothes from being splashed that she should stand up for herself, but she says "(neighbor girl) is just being funny! Shes not being mean." How do I teach my kid to stand up when shes being bossed around if she doesn't even see it going on?

uck51js9zml2yt

What age is the other kid?

If it was me, I'd be telling your daughter that she needs to be playing with kids her age as bigger girls want to play games that are older and not suitable for younger children.

ForestFire

Hyphy wrote: »

Hello,


She splashed me, and my kid, but when my kiddo joined in, she was told that splashing wasn't nice by the neighbor.

This is where you should have picked up the biggest tub of water you could find and throw the whole lot over the neighbors kid, and laugh and say isn't this great fun!!!:)

maybe a step too far, but the truth is somewhere in here, as an adult you need to correct this child also when in common areas and playing with other kids, especially when she basically called you a lier. Did you address this or let is go? Because if you let it go then you are setting an example and you are not standing up to this kid either...

Hyphy

She will be six at the end of this month. My kiddo is only four, but five in July. Luckly, she has a good buddy in the neighborhood to play with most of the time who is her age. The neighbor kid is the youngest of the "older" kids. They are all 7 or older, so she calls around to play with the two 4-almost-5 year olds as well as running the gang of older kids.

All the kids in the neighborhood sort of play in the end of the street area together, so its a bit hard to keep them separated, but me and the other kids mum usually try to find excuses to bring the two of them into the houses or her yard when we notice they are getting pushed around. I just want my kid to notice when shes being pushed around too, as I will not always be there to catch on!

Hyphy

ForestFire wrote: »

This is where you should have picked up the biggest tub of water you could find and throw the whole lot over the neighbors kid, and laugh and say isn't this great fun!!!:)

maybe a step too far, but the truth is somewhere in here, as an adult you need to correct this child also when in common areas and playing with other kids, especially when she basically called you a lier. Did you address this or let is go? Because if you let it go then you are setting an example and you are not standing up to this kid either...

You are very right here, and I do correct this child. Another issue that I didn't want to get into in my original post because it would have been pages. She's very rude to adults. Basically the kids of the neighborhood are out without supervision excepting me and one other mum.

Both of us have addressed her behavior with the kid, but she just ignores us compleatly or gives snotty attitude. I don't want to cause issue with my neighbors by telling their kid off, but I am nearly there.

You are correct though, I can't expect her to understand that behavior is mean if I don't call the kid on it. Thanks

Big Bag of Chips

She's 6, and a madam. But she's not your madam. Your child is only 4, and when she plays on the road only you and one other mam are out supervising. So I'd be inclined to not be out on the road with 'madam'. You're not going to get anywhere with her, and you're going to allow yourself to get more and more annoyed by her carry on.

I would say keep your daughter in your back garden with the other child and 'madam' isn't allowed in. I don't think you can really teach your child to stand up for herself against this one, because clearly she'll never back down. So teaching your child to stand up to her is just teaching her to get into a pointless argument with someone who will always come out on top. Best you can do is teach your child that she doesn't have to be friends with her if she doesn't want to.

At the same time, she's 6. They're all small kids. They're all just being childish. As the older ones get a little older they'll soon tire of her sht! And your little one will eventually cop on a realise she's not much fun to play with either.

Don't get involved in children's disputes! Because the children aren't as affected by them as you will be. If your daughter is happy to play with her, then I'd let her play. I'd draw the line at anything physical or if she started calling your daughter a baby or something. But if your daughter is happy to follow around queen bee and isn't affected by her, then you're probably better just letting them get on with it and letting your daughter find her feet herself.

ForestFire

Sorry for the previous short reply, but glad you can understood.

We have a similar child in our area, A bit older than the other kids and tries to control all the games and rules.
Probably not to the same extent as you described but it is similar none the less.

In some cases we just leave them at it to see how they react and resolve themselves, but there is often times where we interrupt with "friendly" suggestions on what to do and if the rules are "unfair" to the group.

They were playing a cops and robbers game recently and the car was in the "Garage" being "repaired".
No one was allowed to cross the line, including me!! and we were not even part of this game at the time.

But (And this is important).... We were superheros, My 3yo was paw patrol "Sky" and I was "Fireman Sam".....don't ask...

But the great thing was, we just made our own rules for our game...we're superheros....we can go were we like....and nobody can stop us...

The others soon realised they could not stop us and 2mins later she was sitting in the car with them when they fixed it...

I think it is important to let your daughter know that her friend does not control her and hopefully she will understand eventually and were necessary to intervene....I'd recommend "Bat Woman" myself (I am assume your the Mam but?)

I think the most important thing is that your careful that your daughter (And ours) does not starts to try to copy neighbor with her own friends and if there is younger friends that will join her group. This is the most important lesson that I believe


Best of luck out there, You'll need it...

Neyite

I've no advice but a similar scenario in our neighbourhood so I'll watch this thread for tips!

mitresize5

As a complete aside I was talking to one of my buddies over the weekend about a couple of lads who were complete bullies in school. They made some other kids lives a misery.

Comfortingly enough to a man they have all been found out later in life, none of them have done well, broken marriages, dead end jobs, people having little or no respect for them and unsurprisingly still ass holes. Except now as everyone has matured they are calling them out on it.

Of little comfort now I know but just an observation.