Where do I go from this :(

LegacyUser

Hi,

My OH is in college, and I have been really supportive of them. From helping them with work, to visiting each other and doing work when I'm with them etc. College work and all that jazz will finish the end of May. I completely understand the situation and have been as supportive as I can. At the weekend my OH has training on a Saturday followed by training or a match on the Sunday, they always seems to put such importance on the training when it suits them to. They live about 2 hours away from their home home and I live about 2 and half hours away. We both live apart as I work and they are in college. So we can only see each other at the weekends.
For the last 7 or 8 weekends I have gone up to visit them(to their home home), because of the situation. I have gone quite out of my way to do this, but I love them and want to spend time with them. They know that I always want to be at something for the weekend going somewhere or doing something. But their weekend revolves around what I have said above. The issue is last weekend they decided to not go to training or go to the match because they wanted to spend the weekend with their friends up in Donegal. Spending time with your friends is really important and I understand this, but this is a big f*ck you, especially the amount of times I have tried to organize things and have been met with the same excuses about training etc. The next foreseeable future is going to be the same, "I have training etc" so I have to go home (until something else comes up with their friends ). It seems so unfair of them to do this. Bare in mind this person has a a steady (large) income and a car. Money is no issue for them (for the purpose of this post please take this as fact (and no they dont have to work)(really unique situation)).

I've told them this and they dont seem too bothered by it. They probably had a great weekend, and I'm here feeling like a patethic excuse of person who can be taken so easily for granted from someone who is supposed to love me. I have been feeling like I'm being taken for granted quite a lot lately. I know deep down they think they can do whatever they want and get away with it, as they have done so too often in the past. When I bring up something like this with them in a very fair and non accusative way, they get upset and some how turn it right back on me and make me feel so bad about. it is really screwing with my head and I dont know what to do, Im so lost here. I love them and dont want to lose them.. I could be wrong here, and maybe I'm just weird. I just couldnt do that to someone and be so ok with it.

No matter what happens they always put themselves first. Always, and somehow they have made themselves believe they don't.

If i'm wrong to be upset please tell me, I so open to being wrong and understanding it from someone elses point of view, its just that with them i haven't gotten anything right and none of my emotions are justified. I think I'm probably wrong with this as well, so if I am just tell me so I can get over this, and I appreciate any of your help or past experiences.

p.s Is it true that once someone takes you for granted theres no going back?

zoobizoo

So you're going out with someone who is selfish.

Their priorities have been
1) The sport they play
2) Their friends
3) You possibly (maybe something else will take third spot)


If you were starting the relationship again, and they told you "you'll always be in third position in my list of priorities", would you go out with them?

Stop visiting them at their "home home" and do something for yourself with your own friends and put yourself first for a change. See what the reaction is.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd agree with zoobizoo. Don't be so available to them for the next few weeks and see if they even notice. If they don't make some sort of effort to arrange to see you (by effort I mean them going to you, not arranging for you to go to them!) then you know exactly where you stand, and it might be time to call it a day.

No point in being with someone if you're the only one interested in being in the relationship.

HiGlo

Clearly you are unhappy with the situation otherwise you wouldn’t be posting on a message board asking a group of strangers. That’s your first indication that something is wrong.
Then there’s the fact that when you address this with your other half, instead of having an adult conversation acknowledging the hurt and finding a compromise, they react with anger and turn it back on you. This lack of acknowledgement of your feelings is quite disrespectful.

I totally agree with the others. Just don’t be so available. Make plans with family/friends over the weekends and let your other half know you’re not able to visit this weekend.
If possible try and have the conversation again about how you feel and let them know that it’s not ok to fob off your feelings.
How do you envisage things will change once the college term ends? Have you talked about any plans for over the summer? If you other half doesn’t need to work will they be extremely free over the summer and be able to come and visit/stay with you? Or what happens next, after college?

professore

Helpppplease wrote: »

Hi,

My OH is in college, and I have been really supportive of them. From helping them with work, to visiting each other and doing work when I'm with them etc. College work and all that jazz will finish the end of May. I completely understand the situation and have been as supportive as I can. At the weekend my OH has training on a Saturday followed by training or a match on the Sunday, they always seems to put such importance on the training when it suits them to. They live about 2 hours away from their home home and I live about 2 and half hours away. We both live apart as I work and they are in college. So we can only see each other at the weekends.
For the last 7 or 8 weekends I have gone up to visit them(to their home home), because of the situation. I have gone quite out of my way to do this, but I love them and want to spend time with them. They know that I always want to be at something for the weekend going somewhere or doing something. But their weekend revolves around what I have said above. The issue is last weekend they decided to not go to training or go to the match because they wanted to spend the weekend with their friends up in Donegal. Spending time with your friends is really important and I understand this, but this is a big f*ck you, especially the amount of times I have tried to organize things and have been met with the same excuses about training etc. The next foreseeable future is going to be the same, "I have training etc" so I have to go home (until something else comes up with their friends ). It seems so unfair of them to do this. Bare in mind this person has a a steady (large) income and a car. Money is no issue for them (for the purpose of this post please take this as fact (and no they dont have to work)(really unique situation)).

I've told them this and they dont seem too bothered by it. They probably had a great weekend, and I'm here feeling like a patethic excuse of person who can be taken so easily for granted from someone who is supposed to love me. I have been feeling like I'm being taken for granted quite a lot lately. I know deep down they think they can do whatever they want and get away with it, as they have done so too often in the past. When I bring up something like this with them in a very fair and non accusative way, they get upset and some how turn it right back on me and make me feel so bad about. it is really screwing with my head and I dont know what to do, Im so lost here. I love them and dont want to lose them.. I could be wrong here, and maybe I'm just weird. I just couldnt do that to someone and be so ok with it.

No matter what happens they always put themselves first. Always, and somehow they have made themselves believe they don't.

If i'm wrong to be upset please tell me, I so open to being wrong and understanding it from someone elses point of view, its just that with them i haven't gotten anything right and none of my emotions are justified. I think I'm probably wrong with this as well, so if I am just tell me so I can get over this, and I appreciate any of your help or past experiences.

p.s Is it true that once someone takes you for granted theres no going back?

How can you love someone so selfish? To truly love someone you have to first love yourself. If you love yourself you wouldn't let someone else treat you like this.

stevetopper

You can be too available to someone sometimes where it's almost unattractive. The picture you paint is of him having all these pastimes and hobbies to keep him occupied and you're waiting around.

Do you have hobby's of your own that occupies your time at the weekend? If you make yourself less available and not have everything on his terms you'll probably find it will evolve into more natural balance where he'll have to make more effort to spend time with you.

Also what's with they/them? You're dating one person, it's grammatically terrible and makes it a tough read. Using he/she won't exactly reveal your identity.

Ursus Horribilis

My brain started to hurt trying to write a gender neutral reply so I've scrapped it and started again. Whether you like it or not, I'm going to assume your other half is a guy. Even if I'm wrong, the advice remains the same.

You won't want to hear this but I believe you should show some self-respect and end this relationship. As I read down through your post I started getting annoyed at the pair of you. I get the distinct impression that your boyfriend is using you. I almost laughed when I read the suggestions that you make yourself less available. Would he even notice? You only see each other at weekend and even then, he's preoccupied with other things. It makes me wonder is he only keeping you around because you're a guaranteed shag and a maid/helper? If he was genuinely interested in you or the relationship, he'd make time for you. You'd not be left in any doubt about his feelings. Instead, you're a glorified groupie, hanging around and feeding off crumbs from the table. It's telling that when you tried to broach the subject with him, he didn't seem all that fussed. Another warning sign you're choosing to ignore is how he turns things back on you. That's a bad sign in any relationship, not just this one. Quite frankly, it sounds more like a glorified Friends with Benefits set-up than anything else.

If you stubbornly stick to the line that you love him and don't want to lose him, then expect plenty more of this shoddy treatment. You have been told what he is like and how important you are to him. Look at deeds, not words. Anyway, best of luck. I just know from the way you're writing that you've no intention of ending this.