Falling out of love.. Can't find the courage to end it.

Heartbreaker

Hello All,

I'm writing here now in the hope that some followers of the forum can maybe relate or reflect on similar experiences they may have had in previous/current relationships.

I'm currently with my girlfriend for the last 4.5+ years, both late 20's.

For quite some time now, I have mentally checked out of our relationship. I do however, love and care for her so very much, but for some time now I have doubted and questioned if I am in love with her. My feelings towards us a couple, our goals, our future has shifted from that when we first began our relationship.

My partner is an amazing person, with a heart of gold. She is the kindest, most caring person I know. But it eats me inside to think I could break her heart.

My family think so highly of her and we have such a large group of friends in common., and vice versa.

We've done so much together and on paper one would think that I should be happy as larry, but I haven't been in a long time. The excitement and butterflies of the relationship has gone, but not without trying.

For some time I have been emotionally distant and sexually detached. I've started to feel as if she is a friend, I love her but i'm not in love, no more. Recently with work and life pressures, I decided to focus on my own mental wellbeing, dedicating more time to myself on my own and I have found myself much happier in doing so.

I don't really know what i'm looking to have answered here because it's clear what I should do, but i'm finding it gruelling to say anything. I know this would blindside her and devastate her, but I know she deserves someone who can give her all the things she deserves.It has genuinely stressed me out to point that I have experiencing increased anxiety.

I guess i'm looking for some perspective on similar experiences.

Thank you for reading.

Just break up.
I was with a guy for 6 years, probably 3 too many!
Same as you, lives, families, friends, intertwined etc
Eventually he realised i wasn't into it and he was stronger than me & called me up on it. We broke up.
A massive weight lifted straight away.
It's not easy, but it will be fine. Better than living your life with someone that you don't really want to be with.
It's tough, but it's like a plaster, quick is best!

Airyfairy12

The initial butterflies and excitement you feel in the first year/2 years don't last in any relationship, once things settle down and become comfortable the crush/puppy love phase of the relationship dies down. It sounds like youve lost your sexual attraction to your girlfriend and youre now bored with the relationship, thats fine but you need to tell her because the longer you leave it the harder it will be, breaking up at this point is inevitable so do it soon.

Ive been in a similar situation, albeit I still really loved my partner at the time but the relationship was clearly over, neither of us had the balls to end it. Things grew worse between us, the relationship went stale and we were flogging a dead horse, we began arguing all the time until eventually we broke up on really bad terms, nasty things were said and it was a really difficult and hurtful breakup. My regret is not ending it much sooner than we did while we still could have remained amicable.
Every situation and relationship is different but I think its worse staying with her knowing you dont love her, its deceitful and youre only prolonging the inevitable.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you think she hasn't noticed that you've become distant? She will know that things aren't the way they used to be. Maybe she's giving you a bit of space and time to figure out what you want, but don't think that she is blissfully happy and unaware of a shift in your behaviour and attitude.

Yes, if you end it she will be upset. But she will get over it. It's kinder of you to end it and give her the chance to find someone to be happy with. The butterflies will also be gone for her. I doubt she's walking around in a loved up bubble and hasn't noticed that you're not as into it as you used to be. She will know, on some level.

It's never going to be easy. But once it's done, it's done.

silverharp

My feelings towards us a couple, our goals, our future has shifted from that when we first began our relationship.

could you expand?

Idle Passerby

Let her go. Its far more cruel to stay with someone you've lost interest in. Using the "I don't want to hurt them" card is a cowardly cop out. Your already hurting them by denying them the truth about how you feel.

Ursus Horribilis

Breaking up with someone is a horrible conversation to have. Most of us have been there at least once in our lives so we can understand what it's like. I look at it as a short-term pain for a longer term gain.

You said you're both in your late 20s. In other words, your girlfriend's about to head into the decade where she'll need to start thinking more seriously about having children if that's what she wants. By letting this relationship drag on, you're taking away years from her life that she can't get back. The sooner you end this, the sooner she can start to heal from the break-up. The sooner she can start looking around for someone else and hopefully find Mr Right.

LegacyUser

I'm going unregistered for this reply.

I went through the same thing as you. We had been together 7 years when I started to feel the way you describe. I wish I'd had the guts to end the relationship then and there. All my friends were his friends. His family were like a family to me. I just couldn't face it. Instead I continued the relationship and hoped that my feelings for him would go back to how they had been. He proposed and I said yes even though I knew I was making a huge mistake. I finally told him that I was having doubts but he talked me around and I gave in. I married him only to realise that I cared about him enough that I had to do the right thing and let him go. He deserved to find a girl who adored him and who wanted to have his children. I ended the marriage. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I knew it was the right decision as I suddenly wasn't chewed up inside anymore. I will always regret not ending the relationship sooner - for my sake and for his sake.

Honestly, if you are feeling the way you describe, no matter how hard it is, you have to sit her down and talk to her about it. Burying your head in the sand isn't fair on either of you. If you care about her at all and you can't be the guy she deserves then you need to let her go while she has plenty of time to find someone who can be that guy.

bucketybuck

You say you love her and don't want to hurt her, but at the same time you are doing one of the worst possible things you could ever do to her. And you know you are doing it, what does that make you? What sort of love is that?

She is in her late 20's, are you going to drag this out for another few years before ditching her in her early thirties? What sort of a dick move is that?

I don't want to be overly harsh but grow some balls and do the right thing for her.

osarusan

If you are as detatched as you say, it won't have gone unnoticed.

And the idea that you stayed with her for a significant period of time when your feelings for her were gone would hurt her more, looking back on it, than an honest clean break.

Maximus Alexander

The worst thing you can do is continue wasting her time with a relationship that has no future. You both have one life, and you're sitting there watching hers go by in a relationship that you already know is doomed, while somehow convincing yourself that you're sparing her pain. You're just banking more pain for later. End it. Now.