My friend is being bullied by his other 'friends' but won't admit it - I'm worried.

EI209

Firstly, I do appreciate that this is a VERY long post so to anybody that reads it, thank you!

My friend (both 17 years old) is basically being bullied by his other 'friends' but he won't admit it. They push him around, force him to do things he doesn't want to do and call him all sorts if they don't get there way with him. The problem is he lets them get away with it and won't admit to the fact that they're basically bullying him, despite the fact that he just can't say no to them because they just moan at him and call him some pretty horrible things. It's really frustrating for me to watch.

He even asked for one 'friends' permission to buy a pair of shoes because he knew this 'friend' also wanted the same pair and he was afraid of the reaction of the 'friend' found out he's bough them.

It was to me too, for example I asked him if he wanted to go to a football match, he said he didn't particularly fell like it so I just thought 'oh fair enough maybe another time'. A few days later a few of his other 'friends' asked and he eventually said yes to them because it was easier than getting **** off them - despite the fact that he just didn't want to go.

What can I do? It's really frustrating to see him put up with it and I have tried speaking to him but he just won't even acknowledge teh fact that he basically is being bullied by his other 'friends' and just accepts it like it's normal. He says it doesn't bother him but I'm worried that A) it does really but because he won't admit to the bullying he won't admit that it bothers him or even if it doesn't bother him too much for now, how much more will it take before it does start to bother him.

I just can't seem to get anywhere and I'm just worried to be honest. It's not fair that he had to put up with all the rubbish they give him and it's been going on for some time.

They haven't forced him to do anything illegal (for now) but surely the more he lets these so called 'friends' walk all over him the worse it's going to get. The person I'm talking about is my best friend and I know he's a really good lad and one of the most genuinely nice people I know - I know he would never willingly do anything illegal or dangerous but what if he's forced to one day by these complete idiots who are supposed to be his other friends. I also know my friend got very good exam results and could do very well in the future, I don't want him to start putting off revision and work towards exams to do stuff that his other 'friends' force him to do because I know how much revision he'd do if he didn't have these other people to deal with.

I just think he doesn't understand what it feels like to have freedom anymore, I think he's forgotten what it's like to not have somebody pushing you around, calling him all sorts and forcing him to do things he probably doesn't want to do. It's so unfair on him.

I don't know these other people that well and I really don't want to, it just makes me so angary that they treat him like that.

How can I make him a fit to the bullying without forcing him? How can I make him see that the way they treat him isn't fair? I've tried talking and asking about it and I always ask if he's okay but I can't get anything out of him and it upsets me that he can't see that the way they treat him is wrong.

If possible I don't want to go over his head and involve anybody else unless things get really serious because I feel as though it'd be unfair to do so for now.

Thank you to anybody who has read this far, I just really need advice.

retro:electro

Have you got other examples? Because what your provided above doesn't constitute bullying.
Sounds like you're pissed that he's making new friends.

EI209

anna080 wrote: »

Have you got other examples? Because what your provided above doesn't constitute bullying.
Sounds like you're pissed that he's making new friends.

No it's not that, sure we'd probably get fed up of each other if we didn't have other friends. I'd be concerned if he didn't have any tiger friends really 😂 He's known them a few years anyway, thus has been going on a while now.

He just doesn't seem to be as happy as he used to be and I'm worried it's getting to him.

There's more definitely; humiliating him in public posts on social media, singalong him out all the time at any opportunity just to have a go at him for something, making things up about him and spreading quite nasty rumours (dont want to sound childish) that people go on to believe about him, removal of any choice over anything when they're involved it has to be their way or not at all and if he dares say he disagrees then he'll just be backed into a corner and shouted down, forcing him to take the blame for stuff they've done (low level stuff for now like disrupting classes ect), forcing him to lie for them, pushing shoving, minor physical stuff and one occasion of something more serious leaving him unable to move his arm for about a week (I have to stress that that's it for ohdfical stuff and it is mainly verbal and possibly emotional/psychological stuff possibly?) making him feel forced into buying them stuff etc the list goes on I'm too tired to get into it more.

I just don't think any of that is normal at all and I don't want to force him to say anything to me because that's Mage me just as bad but I just worry that things will eventual escalate or it'll get to the stage where it really starts to have a negative impact on him.

JackTaylorFan

anna080 wrote: »

Have you got other examples? Because what your provided above doesn't constitute bullying.
Sounds like you're pissed that he's making new friends.

I don't think that's a fair assessment. I feel OP is concerned this friend is the fall guy in a group. I remember a similar situation with a friend of mine when I was in school.

Saying that, I don't think there is much you can do, OP. I think your heart is in the right place here, but this is the path your friend is choosing.

I think it's important to also remember your friends in highschool rarely remain your friends in your 20s, and so on - you'll move on and so will he.

claresmurf

Hey OP, sorry to hear your friend is going through a tough time. I was bullied in secondary school, like a lot of people are but it sounds like he is getting a terrible time from these so called friends. The big worry to me is the physical abuse you mention. It sounds to me like this could get out of hand. All it takes is for one person to do something then they all will.

My advice would be to try get him off social media sites if he is getting bullied on there. I would also add that my older brother was very badly bullied in secondary school and it led him to have multiple mental illnesses. For a lot of people that go through bullying they forget about it and move on. To me this case sounds severe enough cause it's both verbal and physical.

Is there any way he can avoid these people and not hang out with them??

nikkibikki

Can you sit him down and tell him that they are treating him like a doormat and they and everybody else are laughing at him? It might take some tough love like that in order for him to see the light. His self esteem must be in tatters.

freshpopcorn

It's hard to know to be honest.
in my experience certain people like being treated like the doormat/fool of the group and they basically just want to be seen part of the lads.
Then theirs a chance he might want to stray away from his old friends and he feels this might be his best option to get away from them. I've know people in the past who'd have been friends with anybody just to shake of their old friends.
Is your friend ever involved calling any of these guys names? I know theirs certain groups of guys and people would be shocked at how they treat one another but that's just the way they flow.
I suppose all you can really do is try talking to him.

Big Bag of Chips

Can you start calling them out if you see them doing stuff, or saying stuff that you know is wrong? If you're all together and they start pushing him around or slagging him off you could step in and tell them to cop on, or something. If they turn on you, you can then go to a teacher and explain what happened.

It's frustrating if your friend is not willing to stand up for himself and sometimes lads are just idiots and think they're being funny. When you said 'forcing him to do things he doesn't want to', I thought it was things more serious than going to a football match. But, you are the one witnessing the situation so maybe you sense a more sinister mood in the group.

I would start by standing up to them, and if that doesn't work I think you will have no choice but go to a teacher or your parents.

retro:electro

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

I don't think that's a fair assessment. I feel OP is concerned this friend is the fall guy in a group. I remember a similar situation with a friend of mine when I was in school.

Saying that, I don't think there is much you can do, OP. I think your heart is in the right place here, but this is the path your friend is choosing.

I think it's important to also remember your friends in highschool rarely remain your friends in your 20s, and so on - you'll move on and so will he.

You're probably right. But the only examples the op has given in his op are "asking permission to buy shoes" and "forcing him to go to a football match". Those examples could be easily dismissed as just typical lad banter. Lads push and tease all the time. I've asked my friend could I buy the same shoes she has also, and I've been persuaded to go to things I initially didnt want to go to; doesn't mean I'm being bullied. I asked for more examples from the op as they would be helpful because, for me anyway, the situation lacked clarity. I wouldn't go throwing the bully word around only on the examples provided in the initial op.

The op has since replied with a more detailed reply and I do think there is cause for concern.

Turtle_

I'd be incline to just tell the school what's going on. If the teachers get a heads up that he's being made the fall guy they might look more closely at who's causing disruption. Takes the fun out of it for the other lads.

I'm guessing at 17 you're all leaving cert this year? If so, the best thing might be for him to keep the head down and just get to June and get out. If you're only 5th year I'd say you need to start getting adults involved to try and sort it.

It's up to you how you want to handle it. I was in a similar place to you when I was your age. I stuck my neck out and they lashed out at me, but I basically didn't give a damn and they quickly left me alone. But be aware that f you do stick your neck out, things could get worse for both of you.

5rtytry56

freshpopcorn wrote: »

It's hard to know to be honest.
in my experience certain people like being treated like the doormat/fool of the group and they basically just want to be seen part of the lads.

......

YUP. Remember TWO similar situations many years ago when I was in 3rd Level.
These people simple continue to ignore your calls to cop on. They did in my case.
One dropped out after first year after a promising start to college. The other got to 3rd year in college and barely passed his repeat final exams.

EI209

Thanks for all your replys.

In regards to benign forced to go to a football match, it's not about the football much 'tis the fact he felt he couldn't say no to him and his only option was ultimately to do something he didn't want to do.

I know it's normal to take the kiss out of each other a bit in a group of friends but my concern is it's gone too dr and has been going to far for some time.

It seems to me there is a problem an dhebregukarly complains about them but when I ask further questions or bring it up myself he just passes it off as 'just what they do'.

If it genuinely didn't seem to bother him I wouldn't be as worried but it's the fact that I think it maybe is starting to bother him but he doesn't want to say anything. The fact that he now sees it as a normal thing that he 'just has to put up with' worries me too.

I get the impression from him that he doesn't like the way they treat him at all but just wants to accept that's the way it is and let them carry on which I don't think is any good for him. Just mentioning them to him I can tell the difference in body language and tone of voice.

I get what people are saying to them about standing up to them but as somebody pointed out, my fear is that by doing that it would make it worse - which is why I don't want to go over my friends head at first if possible. I honestly think he won't want to stand up to them because of fear really.

He's the sort of person who keeps issues to himself because he thinks he'd be a bother to other people otherwise.

I'll try talking to him again and see what he says. May point him in the direction of this thread.

If I ever donaee anything myself I do always make a point of telling them that there's no need or questions why they do it but it doesn't seem to do much good. I don't know these other friends amazingly well though which also makes it more difficult given that I don't always hang around with the friend I'm worried about at the same time as these people. That being said I have seen enough for myself, along with what my friend has told me to be concerned for him.

Once again thanks everybody.

kylith

I think all you can really do is make it plain to him that if he doesn't want to hang around with them any more he doesn't have to hang around with them and that you're there if he needs you.

Airyfairy12

Can you introduce him to your friends? maybe you could all do things he'd enjoy together and invite him out often with different groups of people? maybe if he met nicer people through you he'd spend more time hanging out with them rather than his fake friends and who knows? they might even faze out of his life for good.