What would you think?

Where2go2017

[font=Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Firstly apologies for the long post and I realise this may seem like trivial paranoia to some. [/font]
[font=Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", NotoColorEmoji, "Segoe UI Symbol", "Android Emoji", EmojiSymbols]I found out my OH had a secret Instagram account and I'm not sure what to think. 

OH must have linked it to their personal email. I got a notification a few months ago saying 'your friend XX is on Instagram'. The account was set to private and I requested to follow. This was not accepted and when I asked OH about the account, he claimed that they set it up years ago and could not remember the log in password.  

My OH also had another Instagram account which was used to connect with family and friends, including myself. 

Something seemed a little off and I noticed that while the account had no followers and made no posts, the number of followings changed every few days. The username on the account was the same username used for his online dating account (which is how we met).
I forgot about it after a while. 

[font=Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Fast forward a few months, I receive another notification saying 'your friend XX just posted for the first time'. I again requested to follow. Shortly after I get a call from my OH just seeing how I was fixed for[/font][font=Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] meeting up later that day. Talk was a little [/font][font=Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]strained[/font][font=Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif], but neither of us mentioned instagram. [/font][font=Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After a few hours, my OH accepted my request. It appears they had posted a photo by accident to this account rather than their other one. [/font]
I also strangely noticed in the activity log that they had just recently started following 14 football clubs. This is despite the fact that the number of followings in total had not changed from when I'd viewed the account in private previously. All other followings were lingerie models of some sort. It was obvious a number of followings had been deleted and subsequent instagrams followed.

When asked, OH said they'd found the password saved down somewhere. I asked them why they had deleted a certain amount of followings then followed the exact same amount so that the total number did not change. They denied this at first, saying they never used the account, then said they had just wanted to 'clean up' the account. Then they said they sometimes used it to troll accounts like the football clubs (despite having just started following the football clubs). They seemed quite defensive. 

I am so confused as to what could be going on here. Perhaps nothing. I have tried to just forget it and move one but something seems off. I am not usually this paranoid but maybe my intuition is trying to tell me something here. Does anyone have any advise or insight into the use of Instagram?[/font]

blairbear

It sounds like he has another instagram account to follow/like "hot girls". A lot of guys wouldn't be comfortable following 40 lingerie model accounts on their normal instagram accounts.

He made a cack-handed attempt to cover up certain accounts that he followed; they might have been women that aren't lingerie models but that he finds attractive. But it's all just speculation. You have no way to know if he was doing anything more dodgy than looking at racy photos. He could easily be DMing girls on instagram but it's not a medium used to flirt a lot unless you're very young. The only men who DM me on Instagram are American or from further afield, and are illiterate teenagers.

Anyway, he clearly told a few lies to cover his tracks which isn't great, but I don't think it's the worst sin in the world either. If he's generally upstanding and trustworthy, then following attractive, famous women on instagram who post scantily clad photos is harmless enough.

But if it's upsetting you this much, then you need to tell him your exact concerns.

BetsyEllen

It's exactly what it looks like; he had a 2nd account that he used specifically to follow hot girls.

And then he lied about it.

If my BF was following lingerie models on Instagram, it wouldn't bother me really.
But it would bother me greatly if he had a secret account and then lied about it, plus took the steps he did to cover it up like that.

I don't really know what to advise; the reality is he was probably just looking at semi-naked girls and didn't want you to know, I doubt it was anything more sinister.

Maybe just tell him you're p'd off, it's obvious what was going on and ask why he felt the need to lie?
Maybe check who else he's following too...if it's just lingerie models then whatever, but if it's exes etc then that would be cause for concern for me.

Where2go2017

Thank you for the replies.
I asked him repeatedly was it just p0rn, and if so just to say it and I would drop it. I see absolutely no issue in anyone keeping porn for personal use. However he vehemently denied it every time I asked. He also asked me not to tell anyone about the second account and said he was not a 'pervert'. They were his words, not mine. He deleted the account about an hour later.

I agreed to give him the benefit of doubt and we spoke no more of it. 

However, a few days later I noticed he had started following a girl on his other instagram account. He would normally have little activity and few followers/followings on this account. This girl lived in his vicinity. I asked him who she was but he denied knowing her, and claimed she must have sent him a request that he previously accepted but could not remember. I pointed out that she was not following him back and he said they must have been chatting online before we started dating. 
I would just like to say I would normally never question who someone is friends with but under the recent circumstances, my guard was up.
I'm not sure if I'm being incredibly naive or incredibly paranoid here.

Bambi985

TBH I see loads of red flags here. The lying to cover his tracks, the suddenly and randomly following another girl and also lying about that, the same Instagram name as his online dating name.

If it was me I'd out and out ask him if he's still on Tinder/OKCupid/whatever dating profile you met him on and if he's talking to other women. A simple direct question and gauge his reaction. Ask him what would that other girl he's started following say if you private messaged her?

How long are you with him?

Where2go2017

Bambi985 wrote: »

TBH I see loads of red flags here. The lying to cover his tracks, the suddenly and randomly following another girl and also lying about that, the same Instagram name as his online dating name.

If it was me I'd out and out ask him if he's still on Tinder/OKCupid/whatever dating profile you met him on and if he's talking to other women. A simple direct question and gauge his reaction. Ask him what would that other girl he's started following say if you private messaged her?

How long are you with him?

He told me to message her which I did (I know this is bordering on crazy GF territory but I was more curious than anything) and the girl just made her account private and never replied).
We're dating nearly two years but it's been very rocky and we broke up for a few months last year. This was my decision, and one he did not want to do. We are not young either, both in our 30's.
I've caught him telling small lies in the past Which he has always denied. To be honest it's been a bit of a head wreck. I always end up thinking I'm being unreasonable or too insecure which may very well be the case! My friends and family are not very taken with him and I wonder has this clouded my judgement also.

I really just wanted advise maybe from others who have used Instagram to pick up (is this even a thing?) or flirt. I guess I really have my answer what to do - if there's no trust in the relationship...

redfox123

I was going to say he obviously was using it to follow some explicit accounts , porn is not allowed on Instagram but a lot of pages are as good as, then when you said your last post im not sure what to say. I think asking him directly will get you nowhere, he will outright deny anything going by what he's done so far. I think you know yourself that it's very suspicious, I mean he doesn't really use his account then when he closes the weird secret account he's suddenly following a girl from where he lives and then denies knowing her? I mean you could ask him but he's not going to admit anything it seems, unfortunately. I think you need to think about the relationship as a whole, your gut is telling you not to trust him. How long are you together? If not that long I would be wondering if there's a future if he's not trustworthy.

Sorry, just saw your latest post. Ok, have there been issues with other women before? And that's why you've been insecure? What are 'small lies'? We all tell little lies now and again but if you think it's to cover his tracks in talking to other women then there is no trust and indeed he should not be trusted.

Where2go2017

redfox123 wrote: »

I was going to say he obviously was using it to follow some explicit accounts , porn is not allowed on Instagram but a lot of pages are as good as, then when you said your last post im not sure what to say. I think asking him directly will get you nowhere, he will outright deny anything going by what he's done so far. I think you know yourself that it's very suspicious, I mean he doesn't really use his account then when he closes the weird secret account he's suddenly following a girl from where he lives and then denies knowing her? I mean you could ask him but he's not going to admit anything it seems, unfortunately. I think you need to think about the relationship as a whole, your gut is telling you not to trust him. How long are you together? If not that long I would be wondering if there's a future if he's not trustworthy.

Thanks for your reply. I honestly thought I was being very unreasonable in my thinking and was going to get blasted on this. We are dating on and off for two years. I think I may have been very blind this past while. Also there is porn on Instagram but I would have had no issue with following this if admitted. It's the lies that are bothering me.

JackTaylorFan

I don't know, the whole "following" girls on-line thing is a little strange. The fact he is trying to cover it up is alarming also. I have plenty of male followers who never try contact me or in anyway even interact with my posts, which does make me wonder what they get out of it.

It's certainly an odd one. It would be so easy to brush it off as the 21st century version of keeping a secret stash of porn - but it's different; there is the real chance to interact with the fantasy girl.

All in all, this behaviour is inherently creepy.

Ursus Horribilis

On any social media where there's a means to privately contact other people, there'll always be the risk that people will use it to "pick up". I get the overall impression that this isn't a relationship that's making you happy. You're only together two years and you're using words like "very rocky" to describe it. You've already broken up once and you clearly don't trust him. I'd also be curious to know why your family and friends don't care for him? Especially if you never got those vibes off them regarding old boyfriends.

Where2go2017

The only insecurity on my behalf with regards other women was at the start of our relationship, and related to his ex who is on the scene as there are kids involved. I dealt with this and trusted there were no further feelings there between them but we did subsequently break up for a few months and we were both active on dating apps in that time, and dated others.

Bambi985

Very rocky relationship, family and friends don't like him, he's got form for lying etc. Not really the grounds for building a healthy happy life together. Why don't your folks like him? That would raise alarm bells for me, surely your family want nothing more than to see you happy and they've seen something in him that they don't like.

You're in your 30s so no time to be messing around with eejits anymore. Can you ever feel happy and safe and secure and valued with this man? Think about that long and hard.

Where2go2017

Bambi985 wrote: »

Very rocky relationship, family and friends don't like him, he's got form for lying etc. Not really the grounds for building a healthy happy life together. Why don't your folks like him? That would raise alarm bells for me, surely your family want nothing more than to see you happy and they've seen something in him that they don't like.

You're in your 30s so no time to be messing around with eejits anymore. Can you ever feel happy and safe and secure and valued with this man? Think about that long and hard.

My parents do not live nearby and have not actually met him many times but they are not so taken with him as he has missed a few family gatherings (however I have met his family plenty). My sibling however lives in Dublin and has met him plenty of times and also thinks we are not right for each other, I think due mostly to the rocky nature of the relationship.
My close friend has told me she does not think we are suited and when pushed she just said she did not really like him! I didn't ask anymore as it's obviously uncomfortable for anyone to say they don't really like your OH.
I will say he is a great dad and seems to be family orientated.
I have tried to end it a few times but he always manages to convince me to give him one last chance. I now realise how silly I've been. Thank you all for the replies.

DonnaDarko09

I wasn't aware that Instagram was being used to pick up women but there was another poster on here a few days ago who caught her boyf trying to arrange a hook up with a girl (who as it happened turned out to be underage) via instagram DM so it's definitely a possibility for making contact with other women. Regardless you will never know now as he deleted the account. I'm a little confused to the reaction of the girl you contacted -why did she make her account private?
Regardless OP what really matters here is do you trust him? If not then it may be time to move on.

Eeden

Just run. You don't trust him and never will, it doesn't matter if you're right or not. This can't be fixed.

Bandana boy

1 if at this point of the relationship < 2 years he is sneaking around I don't envisage this will get better over time
2 I would dump him before you have kids as he is clearly not very bright and you don't want stupid genes in your kids (caught for the same thing twice ,clearly not bright)
3 Trolling football clubs , even as a cover this is idiotic behavior and not something you want in your life
4 Trust your instincts , he is up to no good

leggo

Am I the only one who's going to say this: his behaviour is alarming, no doubt, but OP your behaviour is also borderline obsessive. Checking who he follows, keeping track of the amount of people he follows and noticing when he deletes and adds people...then not having the self-awareness to realise this is mental behaviour and pulling him up on it?!

I'm not judging, for the record, OP. We've all creeped and noticed weird stuff that got us thinking before (even if it was just being paranoid). But the lesson here is that something is making you do this and that's lack of trust. If that has a basis in something he's done and isn't just down to you being a neurotic person, then once you find yourself doing these kind of crazy antics it's generally a sign the relationship has gone toxic.

Where2go2017

leggo wrote: »

Am I the only one who's going to say this: his behaviour is alarming, no doubt, but OP your behaviour is also borderline obsessive. Checking who he follows, keeping track of the amount of people he follows and noticing when he deletes and adds people...then not having the self-awareness to realise this is mental behaviour and pulling him up on it?!

I'm not judging, for the record, OP. We've all creeped and noticed weird stuff that got us thinking before (even if it was just being paranoid). But the lesson here is that something is making you do this and that's lack of trust. If that has a basis in something he's done and isn't just down to you being a neurotic person, then once you find yourself doing these kind of crazy antics it's generally a sign the relationship has gone toxic.

I absolutely believe this is mental behaviour and am a little surprised there have not been more replies like this. Thank you all for the advice.

I will never know what, if anything, really happened with the Instagram account. But there have been other red flags I chose to ignore over the years which have most likely put my guard up as I don't believe I would normally behave like this.

I have thought long and hard and don't think this relationship can go any further. 'Toxic' is certainly an apt description. I think it best to take some time out by myself and evaluate what I want in a relationship and also to work on my own insecurities and why I felt the need to behave like so.

December2012

He keeps showing you who he is.

You know, deep down he is not honest.

Where2go2017

December2012 wrote: »

He keeps showing you who he is.

You know, deep down he is not honest.

Thank you. I ended it with him and feel like a huge weight has been lifted. All numbers and social media have been deleted/blocked.
I am not totall innocent in this with the way I behaved; I knew deep down he was not trustworthy yet chose to ignore my instincts. Small lies (leading to bigger lies and gaslighting) were ignored, and advise from family and friends overlooked.

During our break, I was seeing someone else who my family liked, and who treated me very well. Yet I chose to go back to my ex (who admittedly was quite persistent in his wooing, but looking back now that was another red flag). I think it best to work on my own insecurities first and foremost now.

Bambi985

Well done OP. I know these things are easier said than done, but it sounds like you have asserted yourself and decided to be true to your own instincts and that will have a big pay-off down the road. Not only in helping you to screen out the wrong kind of guys down the line, but also in adding to your self-confidence. You should be proud of yourself. Onwards and upwards from here. This was a hard lesson to learn, but a great lesson nonetheless.