Help! Do I just say no to my family or does that make me selfish?

Nightdancer

I'm in a complete dilemma as to whether we let my uncle (who's been like a dad to me) move in with us. He lost his job and needs to move to work in Dublin for 5 days a week, going home to his family at weekends. The problem is my sister is only after moving out after being with us for 3 years. We get married in a month and since buying our house we've not once been able to enjoy it as a couple.

To top it all off, I was diagnosed with a life-changing chronic illness and spent the last year in and out of hospital, with my partner becoming my carer. We still struggle with it and how it's changed our life but it's only since my sister moved out that we've finally got the headspace to deal with what has happened.

I feel like my family can't accept that I have my own life. They constantly interfere and yes it may come from a good place but I'm in my late 20s and capable of making my own decisions. I have always agreed with my mum to keep the peace and we can be the best of friends at times but there doesn't seem to be a mother-daughter boundary. For most my life all I've wanted to do is please her. I would be made feel guilty 90% of the time I would choose to go out with friends over her and to the point that as an adult I struggled to make decisions because I felt I aways needed her approval.

Since becoming ill and getting engaged I've started to stick up for myself instead of always trying to please my mother. This has led to her clearly not liking my fiancé as she sees him as the reason I no longer just constantly agree with her. I can see that she's jealous of him. She can't accept I'm an adult and have the right to make my own decisions. I will no longer stand for the constant emotional guilt that's put upon me when I go against her on things.

It seems like the last tie of independence to be cut is the fact they think our house is just a free for all and they take advantage of it. I love my family but me and my husband-to-be have been through a hell of a year. We don't know how many more good years I'll have and we just want to be left to enjoy some time together in our new home ahead of our wedding (we won't start on the interfering issues there). My struggle is my uncle though - he needs to spend 4 nights a week in Dublin to work and has no where to stay - he's looking at hostels now.

I hate that it always becomes my responsibility to worry about everyone in the family when I'm struggling enough with my own issues and worrying about being well enough for the wedding. We have a spare room here where my sister stayed but we have been through so much in the last year that we need our house to be ours for a little while. We're both already in counselling to deal with what's happened and we're working hard on coming to terms with it. I feel if my uncle comes to stay, as much as I love him, I won't be able to cope anymore - life will be hard enough with my illness but I'm starting to feel we'd need to leave the country to just get some time alone. When I talk to my friends they say I need to just say no or it'll never end and we'll never be left to lead our own lives instead of being the ones who constantly worry and care for the whole extended family. My gut says they're right and I want to say no but I'm struggling with how this will effect my uncle as it's hard enough on him having to come and work mid-week in Dublin just to support his family back home. I'm so torn - please help!

The Princess Bride

What would your uncle do if you didn't live in Dublin?
Am sure he'd come up with a different plan.
With college term winding down soon, I'd say finding a digs like scenario is more likely.

Under normal circumstances I'd help anyone out, offer to put them up for a few weeks until they sort themselves out with accommodation. Am sure you'd consider this too under normal circumstances.

But it seems like you've enough going on.
Listen to your gut.
Your health and relationship are priority.

Xterminator

Hi Op

You can understand why your family thought of you in this case. your sister's room is empty, and presumably the few bob that came with it.
so they thought it would be a win-win

however your circumstances are changed and there is no harm communicating this to the family.

I would personally approach it from the point of view, "ah sure there's no harm in asking, but im sorry it doesnt suit me at this time, my circumstances have changed". and discuss it no further. You are absolutly right to say its not your responsibility - it simply does not suit and leave it at that.

GingerLily

Don't let him stay, you need to start your marriage off on the right foot.

You deserve your space and privacy especially with all that's going on, you need to be firm with your mother, she'll always interfere with your relationship and household otherwise.

LushiousLips

You need to concentrate on ye being a couple right now OP. Just don't mention it to Uncle, Mother or whoever. He obviously hasn't even considered your house if he is looking at hostels etc.
Good luck for the future x

Nightdancer

Nightdancer wrote: »

My struggle is my uncle though - he needs to spend 4 nights a week in Dublin to work and has no where to stay - he's looking at hostels now.

I'm struggling with how this will effect my uncle as it's hard enough on him having to come and work mid-week in Dublin just to support his family back home.

And then when your uncle goes (if ever!) it will be someone else and then someone else ....

And what would have happened if your sister was still staying with you?

Talk to your uncle and explain your situation to him, he'll understand. He can get digs somewhere, there are more and more landlords happy to have people stay with them from Monday to Friday and have the place to themselves for the weekend.

You shouldn't have to justify wanting to have your home to yourselves but I can see that you care about your Uncle so just talk to him, maybe help him with the accommodation search. Leave your mother out of it.

Some Monday-to-Friday rentals from Daft:

http://www.daft.ie/dublin-city/rooms-to-share/?s%5Broom_type%5D=either&s%5Badvanced%5D=1&s%5Bgender%5D=on&s%5Btxt%5D=monday+to+friday&sharing_tab_name=advanced-sf&searchSource=sharing

woodchuck

You have to stand up for yourself and say no. You've been more than generous sharing your home, but it can't go on indefinitely. You can explain your situation if that makes you feel better, but any reasonable person would accept the answer without an explanation. It sounds like there is a pattern of people in your family taking advantage though, so they probably will fight you on the decision - but make sure to stick to your guns.

You're being completely reasonable. They're the ones being unreasonable.

LynnGrace

No, honestly, it sounds like you need, even more than most, because of your diagnosis, the space and time to get to grips with that, and to enjoy married life.

If you didn't live in Dublin, well, he would have to find somewhere to stay anyway. I notice you mentioned that he was like a dad to you, which might be making this seem a bit harder for you to say No.

Could you say that you put whatever room there is to spare to a different usage, office or whatever, so that it will be a much less comfortable option for anyone who your mother proposes should stay with you?

Take care of yourself, and let all the other adults in your life take care of themselves. Remember that nobody can make you feel guilty without your consent!

cbyrd

Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. Your uncle is neither your nor your mother's responsibility.
He's an adult, he can sort himself out.
Speak directly to him. It's none of your mother's business.

freshpopcorn

If it was temporary I'd have no problem, Have you any idea of the time frame he'd want to stay with you?
I suppose your mother is from a different generation and in her day he'd have probably stayed with you but things are different now.
I totally get where your coming from regarding not wanting him to.
The only thing I'd say is not to expect them to do any favors for you in the future!

Merkin

It sounds like your fiancé should be in line for beatification at this stage!

Concentrate on him, on your relationship and the challenges down the road and stand firm in doing what's best for you as a unit.

I'd talk to your Uncle directly and not even mention this to your Mother. Tell him the truth and tell him you'll help with the move and you'll invite him around for dinner sometimes but that having another person share your home is not what newlyweds want.

stargazer 68

Op who has asked you to put your uncle up? Your family or him?