An obsessive crush on a totally unsuitable woman friend

babysocks

Hey Girls,

Hope everyone is well? I don't post here much but I do follow the site and come back here because I relate to the subject and everyone seems supportive.

So, I have had a terrible crush, think it's a lustful crush rather than love to be honest but I'm not even sure, on someone who was a friend who I met 2 years ago while living in the UK. Anyway, I didn't see her for a long time after I left the UK- for 6 months and have seen her a handful of times since then. As it happens, she now lives in the same area as me so we aren't all that far apart geographically.

I met her a few months ago-a night out with drinks consumed and we got into a row over an innocent comment I made to her (not related to me having a crush on her) and then she later went onto insult me, calling me a bitch and saying I have terrible taste and annoy her by talking about stuff that is important to me, which I took offence to. So, I apologized but she stormed off into a taxi and left me basically, no more words spoken.

I didn't contact her at all after that due to being angry and just not wanting to communicate with her, trying to get over her because I don't think she is gay/bi anyway. She has never said so and it's probably irrelevant anyway. She has messaged me a few times in recent weeks trying to meet up and I have been a bit short and just said, I'm busy (I am busy at the moment as it happens but not to the extent I make out)...

I would just let this go completely and try move on and not have her as a friend- honestly, she is not reliable or a very good friend or never has been since I met her 2 years ago so not a massive loss in that sense.

However, the difficulty is we have a small group of mutual friends who I like and get on with. They are interfering I feel behind the scenes and have picked up that I have been avoiding her (and wish to continue to do so for as long as I need my space)and ducking out on group events quite a bit because I don't feel I want to see her. I am trying to get over her but totally avoiding her and consequentially ending the friendship, however weak it was, at the same time.

It is awkward with these mutual connections but I am reminded of her constantly and end up thinking of her daily even when I am dating a guy even at the moment, doing hobbies in the venings and being producitve at work. She still creeps into my head and conversations we had months and months ago. It's driving mea bit mad thus writing it down now.

I have not checked any of her social media pages and have been slow to reply to messages- about once a fortnight she will contact me but now she may stop entirely due to my distance in replying; I don't know.

I suppose what I am asking,is how I handle the mutual friend outings which there are a few per month sometimes without telling them much detail. I have tried this already but I feel they are meddling and saying I shouldn't avoid her because it's silly but they don't know the details at all. I have tried to keep neutral for other people so as not to implicate them. Ahhhh it has me stressed out and not sleeping properly. I exercise, do hobbies and meet other non-connected friends. I've even tried dating.

I am wondering am in love with this girl who I did not really consider a very close friend to begin with and who has cancelled plans and been judgmental on various things. Why, oh why do I even like, possibly love her so obsessively while avoiding her like the plague?

Thanks for reading this far. ( :

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP, I understand the need to vent, but if you are asking strangers if you are in love with this woman, well, I think that's really sonething you can only answer yourself.

I can empathise to a degree having being all hang-up over a former platonic friend of mine who I have since lost contact with - but I digress...


To be fair, you very well could be in love - or at least in love with the idea of being in love. Though you admitted your connection is more based on lust, so I'm not sure -maybe you just a really, really wanna zig-a-zig-ahhhh!!

How emotionally connected to this person were you, OP, especially for that brief time back in London? And was there any sign she felt the same? Or was it always purely a physical thing for you? If the hang up is purely physical I would err on the side of lust.

Judging by your bust-up there is certainly some passion between you two - not necessarily a good thing though. And certainly not an indication of any attraction on hwr part.

I would also ask why you say you believe she is strictly straight - has she ever inplied anything to the contrary? If not, I would ask what is to be gained here, really? If all she wants is friendship and you are desiring more - it's gonna cause friction ( err... Sorry. Poor choice of wording ). I would even wonder if your bust-up had anything thing to do with this unresolved tension?

The thing about you feeling she is unreliable and your short replies to her messages - all reeks of some sort of power game. OP, I get the feeling you are testing her, even though you know she is bound to fail. If you seriously don't want this woman in your life - quit the passive aggressive short replies and be direct. Ask for closure - one way or the other. Sounds like you have nothing to lose here anyway - and the sooner you know the sooner you can move on.

babysocks

Thanks for your reply- what you said makes a lot of sense.

We were/are not friends a very long time, true. I think the reason I made an effort initially to invite her to hang out and do things was driven by attraction, although I only realised this in recent months. It didn't bother me before if she didn't show up to things or cancelled, took ages to reply to messages etc because I wasn't so hung up on her but it has definitely developed more (feelings on my side in the last 6 months I guess).

I think I am in love, but for the wrong reasons because we are very different personality wise anyway- I think I'm more of an extrovert while she isn't and is guarded, so not as if we would even be compatible- if by some magic, she did feel that way about me- which she has given no signs of doing really.

I am a bit surprised she is still contacting me at all because we don't have a great friendship and she never seemed to care too much or show it outwardly at least.

I have accepted she is better not being in my life but it's hard at the same time. I miss her and am keeping myself busy with other non-connected friends, hobbies like tag and the gym. I've even been seeing someone but don't think the chemistry is there- irrelevant in this case I guess, but I am trying to forget.

I do sometimes think I felt some chemistry there, just the way she would look intently at me and very subtle things like touching my leg but I know this means nothing probably and is wishful thinking at best on my part. She is an intense person at times- she doesn't say a lot directly often but conveys her feelings with looks and gestures- things that are very subjective,of course.I think it is more than physical for me, because I am thinking about her so much. I don't know, would confessing my attraction/love for closure be potentially dangerous if she were to go around saying it then to a lot of people? Not that this would necessarily happen, but just thinking ahead. Did this ever happen to anyone?

I just feel the mutual friends are meddling and maybe nagging her a bit as they are me, for us to get together and all start hanging out as a group again.

There is no cure, I guess only time. So maybe I should message her, if she contacts me again and explain I don't feel like we can be friends as just there is a bit of tension there and it's too hard, rather than being evasive? I am conscientious of not coming across as rude in case it's taken that way, you know?

FYI- She has never had a boyfriend or dated guys but has kissed and possibly the odd guy, far as I can gather. She is very cagey and always has been since I've known her talking about her love life, family and personal life- she keeps all that to herself far as I can see so hard to gauge. However, she never mentioned liking girls so therefore I presume she is straight.

Thanks for you advice. Yea, I know it's weird putting this out there to strangers but I cannot mention this to anyone in RL- I have had to keep utterly schtum.

JackTaylorFan

babysocks wrote: »

Thanks for your reply- what you said makes a lot of sense.

We were/are not friends a very long time, true. I think the reason I made an effort initially to invite her to hang out and do things was driven by attraction, although I only realised this in recent months. It didn't bother me before if she didn't show up to things or cancelled, took ages to reply to messages etc because I wasn't so hung up on her but it has definitely developed more (feelings on my side in the last 6 months I guess).

I think I am in love, but for the wrong reasons because we are very different personality wise anyway- I think I'm more of an extrovert while she isn't and is guarded, so not as if we would even be compatible- if by some magic, she did feel that way about me- which she has given no signs of doing really.

I am a bit surprised she is still contacting me at all because we don't have a great friendship and she never seemed to care too much or show it outwardly at least.

I have accepted she is better not being in my life but it's hard at the same time. I miss her and am keeping myself busy with other non-connected friends, hobbies like tag and the gym. I've even been seeing someone but don't think the chemistry is there- irrelevant in this case I guess, but I am trying to forget.

I do sometimes think I felt some chemistry there, just the way she would look intently at me and very subtle things like touching my leg but I know this means nothing probably and is wishful thinking at best on my part. She is an intense person at times- she doesn't say a lot directly often but conveys her feelings with looks and gestures- things that are very subjective,of course.I think it is more than physical for me, because I am thinking about her so much. I don't know, would confessing my attraction/love for closure be potentially dangerous if she were to go around saying it then to a lot of people? Not that this would necessarily happen, but just thinking ahead. Did this ever happen to anyone?

I just feel the mutual friends are meddling and maybe nagging her a bit as they are me, for us to get together and all start hanging out as a group again.

There is no cure, I guess only time. So maybe I should message her, if she contacts me again and explain I don't feel like we can be friends as just there is a bit of tension there and it's too hard, rather than being evasive? I am conscientious of not coming across as rude in case it's taken that way, you know?

FYI- She has never had a boyfriend or dated guys but has kissed and possibly the odd guy, far as I can gather. She is very cagey and always has been since I've known her talking about her love life, family and personal life- she keeps all that to herself far as I can see so hard to gauge. However, she never mentioned liking girls so therefore I presume she is straight.

Thanks for you advice. Yea, I know it's weird putting this out there to strangers but I cannot mention this to anyone in RL- I have had to keep utterly schtum.

Hi again, OP. Yeah, sorry, I am really playing a guessing game here. I am just hoping I do more good than bad when I reply to threads like these.

Anyways...

The way you describe ithis girl in your ,recent reply makes it very unclear what her deal is. It would be mere speculation on my part - but is there any chance she is not sure of her own orientation or there is even the possibility she is somewhere on the asexual gradient seeing as she seems so inexperienced?

I would also wonder if she is frightened of a relationship - with anyone - if she is as inexperienced as you claim, that's a possibilty.

As for the signals, like touching your leg is an on odd one. I don't know, I guess it depends how she touched it. I mean it could be entirely wishful thinking on your part - some of us have not got a good sense about these things, but I imagine you know yourself better than I do.

Also, I don't think an introvert/extrovert relationship is automatically a bad thing either - with the right mixture of personalities and intelligence that could be a very beneficial match for both involved. For instance: an introvert might be brought out of their shell by an extrovert. One thing I will say from experience though is thus: Introverts and extroverts often have a horrible time understanding each other. Extroverts sometimes read shyness as rudeness and they can't understand when introverts retreat to their own space either - sometimes taking it as a personal slight. I don't know, I guess I'm throwing a lot of mixed messages at you here - but I can see pro and cons to a relationship like this.

Whether you confront her is a judgement call you have to make yourself - I don't think it's a huge crime to admit you have feeling for someone. Most mature people would handle it in a discreet manner - even if they reject you. I guess, if you are comfortable in your wider circle of friends with being gay and they are comfortable with you, I'd say it's worth the risk - but that's me (at my most positive).

As I said, I have experienced something similar - years ago - though I think both parties in that instance were struggling with sexuality. I never got that closuee, and we just ghosted out. The result being me hung-up on "what ifs". I will say, one thing we really didn't have was the added complication of mutual friends which made it easier for both of us to neverr confront the issue. So I don't know. I hope it goes well, whatever you do. But it really is a guessing game. I do think if you feel that strongly about her and she has never made clear her own orientation - it's worth a shot (again, me being positive).

Good luck, Ms. Socks