He wants a second chance- I have my guard up now and am unsure

LegacyUser

So I will try to keep this brief. I went on 5 excellent dates with a guy in January and February. I ended my previous relationship as I got to a stage of fancying him a certain amount and it never progressed beyond this and I just wasn't as excited about him as I should be. Since then I told myself that I wasn't going to settle for someone I wasn't excited about getting to know as it's not fair on either parties.
Myself and this new guy got chatting and hit it off in a pub one random night. We had five dates which involved various things like dinner, cinema and walks. We used to meet midweek as there was just an hour between us so we met half way. I honestly felt there was something between us, we had lots to talk about, had the same views on lots of things and most of all we made each other laugh a lot. I got that excitement about him which I think I've only felt once before. We were due to spend a weekend together when things got weird between us. The contact seemed to drop off a bit from his side and as you do I asked him if there was something up. He said he had stuff on the next three weekends between a wedding and two stags and he didn't want me to think I was messing him around. He told me lots of stuff about his past relationship and how it ended just before Christmas left him gutted and he didn't feel like the same guy since. He said he never usually lets someone in that close to him and I was the first person he told this. He said he wasn't looking for sympathy but he just didn't know what he wanted and I might understand how he was all over the place. He didn't see himself in the place he works forever and had been looking into working abroad or going back to his home county. I said I wasn't going to wait around for someone who wasn't sure of what he wanted so we were better to call it a day. He asked if he became more clear on things could he text me. I told him that he could but I wouldn't be promising anything or how I would feel then.

So he texted me during the week after hearing nothing for the last 6 weeks. There had been no contact during that time and no booty calls etc.In fact we didn't have sex while we were seeing each other so i don't think that is what he was out for or intending to lead me on. Basically he told me that he had been thinking a lot and he felt he was in a better position to give things a go now. He had made a decision and wasn't going abroad to work and he felt that the time apart made him more sure of his feelings. We met during the week and he re-iterated that he did like me a lot, he just got overwhelmed when he had all these events coming up and was trying to sort out his future. He understood if I felt differently now but he wanted me to know that he was genuine about wanting to see each other properly and see where things go.

Trouble is now I have my guard up. I keep thinking that if he really liked me he wouldn't have walked away in the first place. I never put him under any pressure to get into a relationship, after 5 dates I wasn't even sure of things that far on, I just know I really enjoyed our dates. I gave a guy two chances two years ago and it ended in me feeling so humiliated by the end as the third time I let him back he ended things after two weeks. I'm afraid that the same could happen here. I find that I'm not my normal jolly self around him and I kind of feel he needs to prove himself to me and prove he is genuine about all of this . Has anyone any advice here? How do i know if he is genuine about this second time round? Will it take a while for me to let my guard down with him? I genuinely like him and there is chemistry between us but I don't know if I can have the same attitude towards this as I had at the start as I am just afraid he will walk away again in a month or two. Do I even say this to him or keep my insecurities to myself?

Maximus Alexander

You've no way to know if he's genuine, apart from your gut. So you'll just have to go with that and decide if you enjoyed your time with him enough to take that risk. That risk is all part of the dating game, if you don't put something on the line then you can't win.

What I will say though is that if you decide to give it a go, you have to do it with a clean slate. Put your doubts aside and go into it with fresh eyes. If you start playing games, testing him, or waiting for him to prove himself (even unconsciously) then you're basically torpedoing the whole thing before it gets off the ground and wasting both of your time.

It sounds to me like he's been very forthright and honest with you. Now obviously some things in your past make you worry about potential hidden motives; but that will be the same with any guy you ever meet from here on out. Given all the positive things you've had to say about him and how he makes you feel, you should be keeping an eye out for sings that he's unworthy rather than the reverse.

Not sure if this helps, but best of luck anyway with whatever you decide.

BetsyEllen

If it were me in your shoes, I know I would be wary too.

He only ended a relationship just before Christmas and was seeing you by January. He got scared or whatever, then took 6 weeks away from you and now has made up his mind about what he wants.

Well, assuming his breakup was early December he is only 4 months out of that and his 6 week period of deciding what he wanted wasn't very long either, was it?

I personally would have no interest in getting with someone that was only single for such a short space of time.
OK, I will admit that in some cases a relationship can be dead way before it ends and therefore you could be ready to meet someone else literally weeks after it ends. That's fine.
But the fact he has said it left him feeling gutted and he hasn't felt the same since...well, 4 months isn't very long to heal in my experience.

I will say that he sounds quite decent in the way he didn't just disappear and explained everything. And also there was no sex involved so his feelings aren't revolving around that side of things.

However, for me personally, it would still be a no.

D0NNELLY

Nothing wrong with having your guard up. But also no reason to doubt what he's saying. I'd keep my guard up, and see how things develop. Few more dates, then go from there.

LegacyUser

OP here.

I actually meant to say that his previous relationship originally ended after Halloween. He told me that his ex said she needed space and ended it with him in October. He said he never contacted her and she told him just before Christmas that she had her space and it was definitely over for her. So I guess it officially ended just before Christmas but originally she broke up with him after Halloween.
I get what you're saying BetsyEllen about there not being a whole lot of space between them. He also told me during the week that there wasn't a whole lot of time between his previous relationship and then his most recent one. I didn't ask him for dates or anything. He said that the lack of time between his previous two relationships and then meeting me was definitely a factor in why he was so unsure a few weeks ago. He felt he needed to be on his own for a while and try sort out where he wanted to live/work etc.
I had lots of questions for him and I said I would need to know that he was serious about giving us a go this time. I guess it is going to be a slow process for me and he was fine when I told him this. He said that since he had 6 weeks to think about what he wanted, it was only fair that I got to chose to take this as slow as I wished. Have people been in this situation where a guy has come back after a few weeks break and things have worked out between you?

Xterminator

Hi OP

If you wait to meet the perfect person at the perfect time you will be a long time waiting!!!

Seriously why wouldnt you give it a try? Every relationship involves a chance it wont work out, but as he seems a decent sort, who has treated you respectfully in his dealings, i would think he might actually be good partenr material.

Read some of the threads on this board about people being strung along and ghosted etc, and you will perhaps appreciate an honest decent person who is upfront with you.

LegacyUser

I know he has been very honest and upfront with me. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him so far and has been very positive about organising dates etc. I guess it's maybe my own insecurities that are causing me to be hesitant. I've probably just heard too many stories that second chances don't work and if someone walks away once they will walk away again. Hopefully the feeling of being uneasy about it will pass over time.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

miamee

aneena111 wrote: »

I know he has been very honest and upfront with me. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him so far and has been very positive about organising dates etc. I guess it's maybe my own insecurities that are causing me to be hesitant. I've probably just heard too many stories that second chances don't work and if someone walks away once they will walk away again. Hopefully the feeling of being uneasy about it will pass over time.

He's had 6 weeks to think about what he wants and be sure about it, however I'm guessing that when he said he needed time and you guys broke contact, you wrote him off more or less and were surprised to hear from him? So you're naturally on the back foot and wondering what's going on. It'll take a while to catch up to where he's at with his thinking but he sounds like an honest and caring person. He's been upfront with you all the way, a rare trait these days. At the very least I'd go on a few dates to see whether spending time with him eases your worries about him and re-ignites the excitement you felt first time around and give things a chance to blossom or not.