Would You Tell Her?

MadMardegan

Hey guys, I'm looking for an outside perspective on this please. I'm probably thinking way too far ahead but just interested to get some feedback on something I have on my mind.

Back in September I was living in Sydney and was good friends with a Swedish girl (we'll call her Anna) and her boyfriend. A couple of weeks later Anna's close friend from home came to visit her (we'll call her Sarah). After a couple of weeks of spending time together me and Sarah got pretty close. And we ended up sleeping together a lot and pretty much acting like a couple. It was nice but because I was leaving Sydney for good in December, and Anna and Sarah were going travelling together until March, I wasn't expecting anything to come of it.
So fast forward to me getting back home, in Dublin. Me and Sarah we were texting a lot and she brought up that she really wanted to see me again. I wanted that too so we both agreed that we'd do a long distance thing, not see other people and we'd meet up in London at the start of March (was pretty much her who came up with this plan but I was more than happy to go along with it). We were in contact all the time and both said we had feelings for each other. Talked about things we'd like to do together in the future etc. We always said we would be honest with each other, if feelings changed or if we met someone else. It was hard at home and being far apart but it was good having a date to look forward to and to being a lot closer to each other distance wise. So about 2-3 weeks before London things seemed a bit off for a couple of days. And I asked her about it. Pretty casually, I just asked "is everything ok? It just seems like you've been a bit off for a couple of days" and she kind of got a bit defensive about it and said everything was fine. I just asked her to let me know if something was going on. She said everything was good. After that things seemed to go back to normal and a couple of days before London she was telling me how she couldn't wait to see me.
So, the four of us (Anna, her boyfriend, Sarah and me) are in London for a week and it's really nice. She seems a little off sometimes but other times she's very cute and affectionate with me and, to me, it seems like things are fine for the most part. The week comes to an end and we're going to different airports and we say goodbye. I get to the airport and she texts me saying "should we talk now? How do you feel about this?" I tell her "I want to see you again but I'm not sure if you feel the same" and she says "I don't think I can be in a relationship now and especially not long distance". That's **** to hear but I wasn't completely surprised.
So over the next couple of days I tell her I need to cut contact with her. She's telling me how much she misses me and that "it's still my biggest dream that you come to Sweden in a couple of weeks anyway". I tell her I'm not going there just to be her friend. So after another couple of days I'm talking with Anna and she asks me how things are and she says she has something to tell me. She says "Sarah told me something really weird before we got to London, she said you two had already broken up, which confused me because you seemed so cute together in London. I asked her about it and she told me she really didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone and when I asked her what she was doing in one she said it's hard to get out of one when you're in it. I wanted to slap her when she said that cause I really love you and don't want to see someone treat my friend that way. I feel terrible telling you this but I just hate to see her treat someone close to me like this". That hit me pretty hard. All of a sudden I feel like an idiot and that this girl just took advantage of me for the last 3 months. She let me get my hopes up and let me put all that time, effort and money into going to see her when she knew nothing would come of it. I wanted to confront Sarah on it but obviously she can't know Anna told me. It was still no contact over the next few days until I received some money from Sarah that she owed me (nothing major). I text her saying I had gotten it and thanks. She asked me how things were and I said they were good, told her of some travelling plans I had and told her I was probably going to go to NZ in August for a year or so (this had always been on my mind if things didn't work out back home). She seemed shocked by that and asked me to please come to visit her in Sweden before I go and that she wanted to spend time with me. I told her that was a **** to say as I had feelings for her and couldn't go to Sweden just to be her friend. I wanted to tell her what Anna had told me but had to bite my tongue. She said "OK, I'm sorry about that, but it's an invite anyway. I just... I don't know". I didn't reply to that.
So, almost a month later and we haven't really spoken that much. As it turns out I am going to Sweden in June (I have a lot of other friends over there in her city that I'll be staying with. I've always wanted to go anyway and I don't want this to stop me seeing a place I've always wanted to. Plus friends from England and Germany are travelling there at that time, so I'm definitely going). I think about her quite a lot and have all these different feelings towards her. I'm angry, sad, jealous at the thought of her being with other people (I've been with other people since too, but I can't stop feeling jealous), miss her and at the same time I feel like I need to have enough self respect for myself and show her that I won't be taken advantage of or that it's not OK to treat people like that. She will know that I will be in Sweden from mutual friends etc.
But my question is; would you contact her and let her know you were going? Would you meet up with her?
It's not for another 2 months I know, but I'm booking flights tomorrow and can't stop thinking about it.
I would be a liar if I said a part of me didn't want to not tell her out of spite. But I'm not the kind of person to be bad towards someone on purpose. And I can generally let bygones be bygones and put this stuff behind me but then am I letting her know that she can do that kind of thing to the next person? What would you do in this situation?

Sorry for the long post. It just helps to actually write it all down and get it out there. I've spoken to some friends about it but I don't like to bother them too much with this kind of thing.
If you made it this far I can't thank you enough!

professore

She's a head wrecker and a narcissist. Stay well clear. She loved the idea of you pining after her for 3 months. I would elaborate but there's really not much else to say.

MadMardegan

professore wrote: »

She's a head wrecker. Stay well clear. I would elaborate but there's really not much else to say.

Yeah you're probably spot on there. Thanks for the reply!

miezekatze

I think it's a bit weird that you spent a few days as a couple in London and never discussed the future, and then she texted you on the way to the airport to split up. She seems to be messing you around. If you still have feelings for her then it's probably not a good idea to meet her in Sweden.

MadMardegan

miezekatze wrote: »

I think it's a bit weird that you spent a few days as a couple in London and never discussed the future, and then she texted you on the way to the airport to split up. She seems to be messing you around. If you still have feelings for her then it's probably not a good idea to meet her in Sweden.

We had a couple of discussions but nothing too serious really. We had already kind of talked about those things already.
2 months from now I probably won't be thinking of her much at all. So I'm wondering do I just do the polite thing and meet her, if she wants, or just stay well clear.

PixiePoxbottle

Honestly, it seems like she was just carrying it on to watch you chase after her. It will always be a one sided relationship with people like that. I think you should just not tell her, stay well clear and continue to have no contact with her for the sake of yourself because it seems like she's playing a game and isn't entirely serious about it.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you want to meet her? If you do, contact her. If you don't, forget her.

starfruit2510

If you still have feelings for her maybe you should meet up and see where her head is at, even if its just for closure on your part, at least then u can go to nz and get on with your life, but realistically I think she is a head wrecker and if you're in nz and she's in Sweden it's never going to get any easier and when friends get involved with"she said etc", sometimes its better to just move on

MadMardegan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you want to meet her? If you do, contact her. If you don't, forget her.

Part of me does and part of me doesn't. I'm pretty conflicted. But I suppose time will tell.

I kind of just wanted to see what other people would do (honestly) in my situation. Meet her or not.

GuessWhoEh

To be honest, I wouldn't bother telling her and go on and enjoy your plans. Meet up with friends. Do what you've always wanted to do. She seems like she taught little of you anyways so why should you go out of your way. If she decides to strike a conversation while you're over there, then maybe mention it but I wouldn't bother going out of my way to tell her your travelling to where she lives. For one, you could do a complete u-turn and stop all plans you've previously made, then regretting them. If I was in your shoes, I'd continue my travelling and enjoying being around those who actually want me around than those who mess me about

MadMardegan

starfruit2510 wrote: »

If you still have feelings for her maybe you should meet up and see where her head is at, even if its just for closure on your part, at least then u can go to nz and get on with your life, but realistically I think she is a head wrecker and if you're in nz and she's in Sweden it's never going to get any easier and when friends get involved with"she said etc", sometimes its better to just move on

That's kind of the way I'm thinking right now. I'm definitely not trying to get things started again, that ship has sailed. But I think it could be good closure for me.

As ye can probably I really do over think things! Ha

Dial Hard

MadMardegan wrote:

I kind of just wanted to see what other people would do (honestly) in my situation. Meet her or not.

There's no way in hell I'd be flying to Sweden to meet someone who'd messed me around that much.

If she wants to see you before you go away that badly, she can come here. I suspect you'll be a long time waiting for that to happen, though.

Ash.J.Williams

Don't let her affect your normal life. If you see girls you like go get them. Treat the Swedish head wrecker like a casual thing and do not run to her.

Xterminator

The deciding factor should be what you want to do.

if you sit down together you can call her on what her friend said. Its possible she told you the truth and the other frind was given a line /... unlikely but possible.

But do you want a chance to see how she feels and what she thinks and to get a few things off your chest?

X

LegacyUser

To be honest , it sounds like the the 2 of you are slightly as bad as each other, maybe any talking you have done on possible futures where vagueish and have left her confused and not wanting to drift along in a long distance relationship.
You seem to be focused on traveling still ,maybe she thought when both of you where back in europe the discussions may have changed to moving the relationship along ,maybe this is why the mood changed , maybe the talk of traveling comes across as not commital relationship wise and her thoughts could be that this this could drag on for months or even years, That is grand ,but for a ld relationship to work you need an end goal or a commitment to be together.
Maybe these things were never discussed in any serious matter maybe they where.

From your post you seem to like her ,if you do ,take the leap and talk serious to her about a possible future, dont be vauge ,dont be wishywashy . Be precise , i guess both of you dont want a relationship where you think the other is leading you along or going nowhere

miamee

Honestly, the first thing I'd do is forget about telling her now. This trip is two months away, anything could happen in that time. If, in two months time, you are still thinking about telling her then I'd say do it but ask her to meet up on a day when you have spare time and no other plans. Do not change your trip plans to suit her. Tell her when you're free and she can either see you then or not. But I'd really hope that in two months time she'll be a lot less important to you and you'll have moved on

LegacyUser

I don't think this is anything really to confront her with, they had a conversation and Sarah knows what goes on in her own head, Anna doesn't.
Anna making out that she was treating you really badly or that she wanted to slap her doesn't automatically mean that Sarah has done anything like that.

This is really just Annas interpretation on what was said.

I think we've all played down relationships to our friends at one point especially when there are conflicting feelings or we've lied to them and said we don't really like someone or it's not working out in an effort to convince ourselves we don't really care.

DonnaDarko09

imageverification wrote: »

I don't think this is anything really to confront her with, they had a conversation and Sarah knows what goes on in her own head, Anna doesn't.
Anna making out that she was treating you really badly or that she wanted to slap her doesn't automatically mean that Sarah has done anything like that.

This is really just Annas interpretation on what was said.

I think we've all played down relationships to our friends at one point especially when there are conflicting feelings or we've lied to them and said we don't really like someone or it's not working out in an effort to convince ourselves we don't really care.

This. I have sort of similar experience with overseas 'relationships' albeit from Sara's POV, and I would have downplayed any feelings to avoid getting hurt. If Sarah possibly thought you weren't that serious about things (not willing to visit her and talk of more travelling etc) are you sure she doesn't see you as someone perhaps just looking for a non commital fling? Then again, some may class me as a headweecker...it's more a 'survival/not wanting to get hurt' mechanism. Absolutely not the best approach..but that's something I'm trying to work on...

It may also be the case that Sara has met someone else but couldn't face hurting you by telling you.

Lex Luthor

If you are already going to be in Sweden, then it wont cost you anything more to go see her and talk to her face to face. Lay your cards on the table and let her have her say too.

My impression of women from mainland Europe is that not to expect them to act like an Irish woman. They are in general different in the way they approach relationships.

Can be good & bad, however you have someone here that you have strong feelings for by the sound of it, so it wont kill you to talk it out

I wouldn't get into to details of what your friend Anna said and try to be as open and up front with her and relaxed as you can. It will help the conversation if you are relaxed and then she will relax and then you can both have a frank and open discussion without any tension

Try to do it over a meal, its always a great way to get to know someone after a break away and you will both relax

Best of luck and hope it works out for you

lima

I once done a long distance thing with a Swedish girl and she tied me around her little finger for a good 2 months. I flew over to her and she was super cold and also met her in London and she was again super cold, but when skyping/texting her she was all affectionate and cute etc.

I am going to say that some Swedish girls are just neurotic and immature. They may be stunning but they are a pain.

Avoid.