Birthday with my friend

amtc

I'm annoyed with my best friend.

Both our birthdays are next week and we always mark them ....not on the actual days....but after. It's usually lunch or dinner the week after so we agreed we would meet up either next weekend or the next week. They're not significant birthdays by the way, and we had agreed on token presents. We're both in our forties.

Anyway my friend just rang me to say she'd booked a weekend away for the Easter weekend. I assumed it was for her and her husband so initially was upbeat for her.

No, it's for us and is paid for on her visa. Flights and hotel. I was gobsmacked. I never asked what the payment arrangement was. It's a type of holiday that isn't my thing. Very activity based.

Money wise I'm being very careful. So far this month I've had to pay my management fee and a new washing machine plus my job is looking dodgy. I also posted on being offered a job abroad which is still going round in my mind. If I do take it I'd like to spend Easter at home, as my mother is off to Australia in early May. So financially and personally it doesn't suit me.

I do appreciate the effort but she knows all of the above. It's not like my phone wasn't on all day. She did say her husband advised against it without talking to me but she assumed I'd be up for it.

It's a lovely idea but I'm annoyed. I really can't afford it but I also don't want to.

I know this requires a difficult conversation.

Addle

Did she mention payment?
Maybe it's a gift?

Redser87

Maybe she knows how tight things are and she is planning this as her treat?

amtc

I doubt it ...I know enough about her finances. I earn triple what she does but I have a mortgage and she doesn't.

I can afford it at a push. But that's not the point. I don't appreciate not being asked if I wanted to go away and being organised into something I don't want to do.

Addle

It's not unusual for presents to be surprises.

rainbowtrout

I can see why you're annoyed, even if the gift was well meant. In terms of the conversation, if you don't want to go and don't want to be forced into paying for a trip you don't want if things are a bit tight, I would be saying something along the lines of 'I appreciate the trouble you have gone to to organise this trip, however I would have preferred if you had consulted me first. i'm not in a position to go on this trip at the moment with work or financial commitments. I also have plans with my family over Easter.' No point making stuff up if you are that close to her and no point going on it if you are just going to resent being there, and not enjoy it.

Flibble

Yeah, I'd be quite annoyed too, that's not the sort of thing people should book without consultation. Christ, even a partner looking to surprise their partner would at least tell the partner to block off X days, and they'd be paying...

She has basically decided to spend your money on something you don't want or didn't ask for.

Tell her you can't afford it, tell her you're not going, and don't feel bad at all, this really is her own doing and this is a lesson she needs to learn.

amtc

The thing is it's both our birthdays. Any time we've gone away before we've pretty much had a kitty. Last time she paid flights. I paid for hotel. So it would I imagine be similar.

I earn significantly more but have more expenses. My friend had to get a loan to meet day to day expenses.

She doesn't like my on off boyfriend (with some reason to be fair) but persists in setting me up with any man as long as he had two arms and two legs. Since she got married everyone has to be married. Since she discovered yoga everyone has to do it.

Our mothers are the same ages so she's decided they should be best friends. Her mother is a grandmother and stays at home, mine has a brilliant social life and travels lots.

Apparently because I live on my own I must be lonely. I'm not! I'm perfectly used to this.

I'm just sick of being organised and suffocated. I feel like running away! We were friends 20 years ago and drifted apart and only met up again 5 years ago.

I've just 're read this. God I'm angry! For that again she has a lovely heart

rainbowtrout

There seems to be a lot more going on than just the weekend away. She seems to be intent on running your life too.

In terms of the weekend away, things like that shouldn't be booked without some sort of a heads up, in terms of needing the time off, or agreeing a budget if you are going to be contributing. Consideration of activities that suit both parties didn't happen here either.

Given the extra information in your post, I wouldn't feel a bit guilty in turning down her weekend away. She booked without your consultation, and she won't learn her lesson if you go to be honest. I'm wondering how much of a good friend she is, if she spends her time trying to organise your life.

Ursus Horribilis

This sounds a bit like something that happened to one of my friends. Her pal (longstanding friend) went on a solo run and booked a holiday house without consulting her. They ended up falling out over it and they barely spoke for a few years. They're back on good terms again but she'd freely admit it's not quite the same. So be warned...

I think you have no other option but to be firm and honest with her. That you appreciate the effort she went to but you just can't go. Sometimes people seem to lose the run of themselves, just like with my friend's friend and do the wrong thing. If she had paid by credit card, can she cancel any of the bookings and get her money back?

mrsdewinter

She's in her 40s. She must have known there was a chance that making a unilateral decision for another person would come back to bite her. Just explain that with your mother's travel plans, you'd rather spend that weekend with your mum. Let that be the primary reason, then back it up with financial considerations, if you like. Just be clear that you can't go, and leave it at that. If she's basically a good friend, why not then suggest a date & a venue for your birthday meal? Firm up that plan?

Ash.J.Williams

amtc wrote: »

I doubt it ...I know enough about her finances. I earn triple what she does but I have a mortgage and she doesn't.

I can afford it at a push. But that's not the point. I don't appreciate not being asked if I wanted to go away and being organised into something I don't want to do.

Sounds like it might be a great break away from the mortgage and the dodgy job. Go for it!

amtc

Bit of an update.

She rang me this morning to say she couldn't understand why I wasn't more excited...I got lots of excitable texts last night. I didn't reply.

So I bit the bullet and said I just had reservations as I am considering a job offer abroad ...this is the one I posted on Tues in the Falklands...still haven't made up my mind...and my mam is going away and Easter is a big deal at home. My on/off boyfriend is home that weekend (he's in South africa). I purposely don't mention him to her as she can't stand him. He has his faults of which I am aware and part of him coming home is to discuss this. He's only here for five days.

I didn't mention money.

Anyway then she says that it was that weekend as her husband is on a stag and she doesn't want to be alone.

She wasn't taking no for an answer. Apparently she wants to make memories.

I appreciate the sentiment. I really do. But I don't like being managed.

amtc

Bit of an update.

She rang me this morning to say she couldn't understand why I wasn't more excited...I got lots of excitable texts last night. I didn't reply.

So I bit the bullet and said I just had reservations as I am considering a job offer abroad ...this is the one I posted on Tues in the Falklands...still haven't made up my mind...and my mam is going away and Easter is a big deal at home. My on/off boyfriend is home that weekend (he's in South africa). I purposely don't mention him to her as she can't stand him. He has his faults of which I am aware and part of him coming home is to discuss this. He's only here for five days.

I didn't mention money.

Anyway then she says that it was that weekend as her husband is on a stag and she doesn't want to be alone.

She wasn't taking no for an answer. Apparently she wants to make memories.

I appreciate the sentiment. I really do. But I don't like being managed.

Ash.J.Williams

You tell us it's money and work then you tell her it's a million other things

dellas1979

Ah yes, of course. I was wondering reading the thread wondering what her motivation was/is.

I'd simply tell her "Mary, youve a heart of gold and the effort youve gone to but that weekend just doesnt suit me. As you know now, Ive a lot going on. Which you didnt realise when you booked. If you want company while John is away, come over to mine for the night. And we can do something".

There is the dilemma of cancelling booked flights (accommodation I imagine can be cancelled easily). But if she is that intent on going, does she have another friend who could go?

amtc

Just to clarify she knows all of these things and has done.

Anyway fate had a way of intervening. I was talking to my mam and she was moaning about having to get a new passport before her trip and this would affect her visa (It's a multi trip one issued last year). We always renewed our passports around same time...mine is up the 8th....I never thought to check as it lives in a drawer.

...so even if I wanted to go I can't.

Rang my friend and she's managed to get her sister to go.

Still doesn't get over the being organised issue But that requires a face to face conversation.

bee06

She sounds selfish to me. She picked a weekend that suited her because she didn't want to be alone and then booked everything "as a surprise" so it would be really difficult to say no after.

If you want her to stop managing your life you need to be honest with her and tell her to stop!

Merkin

Glad it's resolved OP, thread closed.