I'm gay but I can't accept it

LegacyUser

I'm gay and I'm scared I'm never going to be able to tell people.

I have nothing against gay people, I am gay. I have no problem with it whatsoever. It's just that when it comes down to myself I can't accept it.

I've always wanted to have kids and it feels like the whole vision I had of how my life was going to work out has changed.

I always kind of thought I was gay but I never gave it much thought, then last October I found out for definite that I am.

My parent's are extremely traditional farmers from rural Ireland and it's not like they are bad people it's just they wont accept this from me. I'm also really embarrassed about having to tell the rest of my family and people who know me in general.

Two of my friends know and telling them was the hardest thing I've ever done, that's such a cliche but it actually was such a hard thing to do.

My parents are extremely traditional and my mother goes to mass every weekend and when I was growing up I was always dragged along with her and I know its really stupid to even think this but for some reason it feels like me being gay is wrong and I shouldn't be this way and like I'm committing some really bad sin. I'm so guilty over this and its ridiculous because I am in no way religious about anything else so I don't understand it but it makes me feel so guilty as if the world is about to end.

I don't know what to do, I looked into joining the LGBT society in my college but I'm not really into the whole rainbow flag waving kind of thing that they are all into it, I've nothing against it and if some people get something from being part of that kind of thing its fine with me but its just not for me. So because of this I don't know how I'm going to even meet any more gay people. It feels like I'm going to be alone forever because of this.

What can I do to make it ok? I just want to accept this and for it to be ok in my mind.

zoobizoo

Addressing the sin issue first:

If you believe in sin, you need to believe in God.

If you don't believe in God, then there is no sin against him/her.

If you do, well, he created you the way you are so just think "well, God made me this way so it's part of his plan"


As for you being gay:

If you cut out what your parents thought, and what they might think, and if you cut out what your friends thought, and might think, the social judgement as it were, how would that make you feel about it?

Wanderer78

Would you consider counselling, as this question is very significant to the remainder of your life? Its truly fine to be gay and your not a sinner, that's just religious nonsense that has been indoctrinated into our society. Best of luck

bee06

OP, I'm not sure if your parents have expressed negative things about gay people or if you assume they will because they are traditional and religious. If it's the latter then just because your mom is religious doesn't mean she will be homophobic. My mom goes to mass multiple times a week and is the sacristan at her church but I know if any of us were to tell her we were gay she would accept it. She wants us to be happy.

It sounds like you have some figuring out to do though to becomes accepting of yourself. Just because you are gay doesn't mean you have to be a certain way no more than if you were straight.

Ursus Horribilis

How about contacting an organisation which helps gay people? I'm not gay so I'm not that well up on what help is available out there. But a quick google brings up Gay Switchboard Ireland, LGBT Ireland and BeLongTo. They all have helplines and maybe that's as good a start as any. You're not the only gay person who wishes that you weren't. They'll surely be able to give you help and advice and point you in the right direction.

For some reason, when you mentioned God, Richard Coles from The Communards came to mind. He was an 80s pop star (you're probably familiar with their songs) and is gay. He is also a Church of England vicar! http://www.richardcoles.com/

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP, just wanted to say, I think you're unwillingness to join an LGBT society because you don't want to wave the "rainbow flag" around is coming from a place of internalised homophobia - I don't use that term lightly either. You clearly are not comfortable with being gay and you're letting it cloud your judgment as to what the LGBT community is about. We don't all go around dressed in bright colours with rainbows trailing after us - that is only one small aspect of the community. You don't have to do the whole pride thing or be political, but you can still avail of the support and groups that are out there and it doesn't have to be in a college society either. There are plenty of LGBT meetups out there as well. Really sounds like you're the only person stopping yourself from meeting other LGBT people here, OP.

As for the religious guilt - well, you're just being silly.

Wanderer78

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Hi OP, just wanted to say, I think you're unwillingness to join an LGBT society because you don't want to wave the "rainbow flag" around is coming from a place of internalised homophobia - I don't use that term lightly either. You clearly are not comfortable with being gay and you're letting it cloud your judgment as to what the LGBT community is about. We don't all go around dressed in bright colours with rainbows trailing after us - that is only one small aspect of the community. You don't have to do the whole pride thing or be political, but you can still avail of the support and groups that are out there and it doesn't have to be in a college society either. There are plenty of LGBT meetups out there as well. Really sounds like you're the only person stopping yourself from meeting other LGBT people here, OP.

As for the religious guilt - well, you're just being silly.

some good points there but i would have to disagree with your last comment. you d be shocked at how indoctrinated our society has become from the catholic church, and how much damage it has done particularly in relation to these matters. the term 'sinner' is a truly dreadful term to describe very common and even natural human behaviour, this has left many in our society with many guilty and confusing feelings, leading to very complex problems.

JackTaylorFan

Wanderer78 wrote: »

some good points there but i would have to disagree with your last comment. you d be shocked at how indoctrinated our society has become from the catholic church, and how much damage it has done particularly in relation to these matters. the term 'sinner' is a truly dreadful term to describe very common and even natural human behaviour, this has left many in our society with many guilty and confusing feelings, leading to very complex problems.

Aye, and I would have been less dismissive of the religious guilt thing if I didn't already believe that deep down OP understands how ridiculous his or her guilt is over this issue.

Besides, the amount of straight people who claim to be religious yet "live in sin" is a joke in and of itself anyhow.

Wanderer78

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Aye, and I would have been less dismissive of the religious guilt thing if I didn't already believe that deep down OP understands how ridiculous his or her guilt is over this issue.

Besides, the amount of straight people who claim to be religious yet "live in sin" is a joke in and of itself anyhow.

we re all just very complex and we re just wired to fcuk up, i truly believe its fine to fcuk up as long as you're truly sorry and remorseful.

JackTaylorFan

Wanderer78 wrote: »

we re all just very complex and we re just wired to fcuk up, i truly believe its fine to fcuk up as long as you're truly sorry and remorseful.

Who fcuked up?

Wanderer78

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Who fcuked up?

ah its in relation to your live in sin comment, has little or nothing to do with the op's situation anyway

JackTaylorFan

Wanderer78 wrote: »

ah its in relation to your live in sin comment, has little or nothing to do with the op's situation anyway

Whatever... Agree to disagree.. Cause You're taking us way off topic now...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
You need to understand that the Catholic Church is a man made organisation full of man made rules
It's chiefs have no way of knowing what Gods thinking is and even less of verifying what some guys wrote thousands of years ago about it
They just create rules and often understandably because they're human themselves don't stick rigidly to those rules (Recent Grindr revelelations in Maynooth seminary for example and the laughable sending of students to Rome to avoid it,do the aul lads who sent them think Grindr wouldn't work there,Italian men are attractive and there's millions. Resuscitate Kildare )

Your parents are of a different time and conditioning,don't worry about that
Farming communities do have a stronger sense of catch up to do but look at how active macra were in the marriage ref -Very!

On the God and guilt thing,I can tell you my belief and that is God made you who you are and accepts you
Some churches have a lot of catching up to do on that
So forget the guilt and go out and love everybody that you like
You'll find someone that will return it in spades,probably many
Best of luck

P.s take the parents feelings on the issue as slowly as you like,don't worry about it and just get on with things,you don't need to involve them
I know being gay with feelings side by side of wanting kids is a difficulty but you can adopt
The whole idea takes time to get used to
My advise is to concentrate on being an expert at being you for now
Stepping stones
Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP

it sounds like you are overwhelmed by the idea that you have finally confirmed your orientation and that it now sets off a very clear (in your head) trajectory of outcomes. For you, it seems that now that you're 100% sure it just means no children, parents disowning you, difficulty approaching friends, not being able to find community (because you're not into LGBT societies etc).

I'd say that you realizing that you are 100% gay has been beneficial to you in so many ways that you just don't understand yet. You have to look at your life and see what you need to do to make you content. A lot fo LGBT people go off to cities to find a sense of community and this could be an option for you. Getting out on the dating scene, even with others who are similarly discreet for now, would also be beneficial.

At the end of the day, life is short. While you might think that others will judge you harshly for something so trivial as orientation, you have to remember that they will prob think about it for around 2 mins and then move onto their own situation.

Try and take care of yourself and consider even going to a college counselor over this. This can be a very empowering time for you and with the right guidance and support you will thrive.

LegacyUser

You have no idea how relatable this was to read.

I wouldn't say that our situations are 100% similar but some things are identical. I have absolutely nothing against gay people, I am completely pro gay-marriage and all that, but the fact that I am gay myself bothers me and repulses me so much that I feel queasy putting it in writing. I am in total denial and the thought of telling anyone ever (even my closest friends) scares me beyond belief, as I am extremely wary of what people think/say about me and am concerned about keeping a certain image of myself (it sounds so shallow I know). A lot of people would say "ah it's the 21st century mate, being gay doesn't matter." I have been in so many situations where friends or others have been mocking or looking down on gay people, saying thank god they mustn't think I'm one of them.

I have always wanted to have kids and a wife, and the fact that that will never happen also deeply upsets and scares me, and I wish every day that I could be straight, marry and raise a family.

I hope someday that I can stop being such a coward and accept who I really am, but I can never ever see myself being involved in LGBT culture in any way, it just isn't me. Maybe if I wasn't so shallow I might be able to see past what people thought of me.

cloudatlas

Go to the society meet and see if you like it or not, don't just condemn it outright. Nobody is going to make you wave a rainbow flag if you don't want to. lgbt groups do a lot of non scene things. Don't be afraid to say, 'I'm newly out and still finding my feet', no harm in that.

LegacyUser

OP, the first and last part of your thread that made sense is the title. Asking your parents or society to accept you is pointless if you can't accept yourself and self-acceptance is the starting place and first step you need to complete. That might be through counselling, joining societies and getting to know other members or whatever process you need, but start there and forget the rest until you address that.

For what it's worth, it's quite possible you are doing your parents a complete disservice, I know of a few who fit the same description and finding out their children are gay was a non-event, there are bigger issues to worry about for most parents.

Bandana boy

Can you leave Ireland for the summer ?
A Gay friend of mine found a summer in London working is where she figured it all out .
Came back for college in September and had found a way to be comfortable with herself and who she was.

Resist ZOG

Are you sure you're gay? People get confused these days, often due to internet porn. For example a young man watches gay porn out of curiosity, his body reacts and he thinks he's gay. When in reality he may not be.

Why not try to get a girlfriend first and then see how you feel?

Put it this way, being with a woman can be pretty nice!

baby and crumble

Resist ZOG wrote: »

Why not try to get a girlfriend first and then see how you feel?

Put it this way, being with a woman can be pretty nice!

That's really unhelpful. If he's gay, he's gay. How do you know you're straight if you've never had a boyfriend?

Put it this way, being with a man can be really nice!
:rolleyes:

Resist ZOG

baby and crumble wrote: »

That's really unhelpful. If he's gay, he's gay. How do you know you're straight if you've never had a boyfriend?

Put it this way, being with a man can be really nice!
:rolleyes:

Nonsense response.

If the op does hate himself for being 'gay' then I hope he will dwell on my suggestion and at least consider it.

spoonerhead

Resist ZOG wrote: »

Are you sure you're gay? People get confused these days, often due to internet porn. For example a young man watches gay porn out of curiosity, his body reacts and he thinks he's gay. When in reality he may not be.

Why not try to get a girlfriend first and then see how you feel?

Put it this way, being with a woman can be pretty nice!

Yes, because porn is the decisive factor in a persons sexuality....

I'd say I'm a very 'straight-acting' type of gay guy. I play football, prefer to go out with straight lads with the same intrests as me and have a few pints. But unlike you I'm completely comfortable with what and who I am, I came out around 1 week after I was definitely gay.

My point is, if you are religious, sporty, non political or pro political it's irrelevant that these factors should make you ashamed of your sexuality. As someone mentioned earlier, there is probably an underlying reason why you are so uncomfortable with something that's irrelevant to your happiness or future.

If you ever need one on one help, message me!

baby and crumble

Resist ZOG wrote: »

Nonsense response.

If the op does hate himself for being 'gay' then I hope he will dwell on my suggestion and at least consider it.

The fact that you put the word gay in inverted commas says more about you and your attitude to homosexuality than anything else.

How is my response nonsense? You said a man who identifies as gay might be able to be straight and be attracted to women. I simply pointed out that if so, the reverse should be true. If we can learn to be straight then straight people can learn to be gay.

No?

Resist ZOG

spoonerhead wrote: »

Yes, because porn is the decisive factor in a persons sexuality....

I'd say I'm a very 'straight-acting' type of gay guy. I play football, prefer to go out with straight lads with the same intrests as me and have a few pints. But unlike you I'm completely comfortable with what and who I am, I came out around 1 week after I was definitely gay.

My point is, if you are religious, sporty, non political or pro political it's irrelevant that these factors should make you ashamed of your sexuality. As someone mentioned earlier, there is probably an underlying reason why you are so uncomfortable with something that's irrelevant to your happiness or future.

If you ever need one on one help, message me!

As a normal heterosexual male with a healthy sex life, why would I need to message you?

Resist ZOG

baby and crumble wrote: »

The fact that you put the word gay in inverted commas says more about you and your attitude to homosexuality than anything else.

How is my response nonsense? You said a man who identifies as gay might be able to be straight and be attracted to women. I simply pointed out that if so, the reverse should be true. If we can learn to be straight then straight people can learn to be gay.

No?

Why get so sensitive when someones merely points out that op may not actually be gay? And that he should at least have an experience with a woman first? Is your identity that fragile? Not everyone hates you just they have different opinions to you, you know.

Also I could answer your question but no doubt you would only take further offence.

spoonerhead

Resist ZOG wrote: »

As a normal heterosexual male with a healthy sex life, why would I need to message you?

Was talking about the guy who posted the first message in the thread.

As a normal homosexual guy with a healthy sex life (who has recently graudauted college 😉) ,why would I need to message you too?

Resist ZOG

spoonerhead wrote: »

Was talking about the guy who posted the first message in the thread.

As a normal homosexual guy with a healthy sex life (who has recently graudauted college 😉) ,why would I need to message you too?

Sorry, you quoted me and I thought your message was in response to me. Apologies.

baby and crumble

Resist ZOG wrote: »

Why get so sensitive when someones merely points out that op may not actually be gay? And that he should at least have an experience with a woman first? Is your identity that fragile? Not everyone hates you just they have different opinions to you, you know.

Also I could answer your question but no doubt you would only take further offence.

Why so aggressive and determined to point out how straight you are?

My identity is 100% fine, thanks very much. I know who I am, but I also know that when I was younger, and just realising I was gay, I felt a lot like the OP, and I had a lot of people telling me that if I could just learn to fancy men, it'd be fine. For some reason some people seem to think it's totally ok to suggest to a person who identifies as gay to try sex with a member of their undesired gender, but if you mention that to someone who identifies as straight, it's "aggressive" or "sensitive".

I know people have different opinions to me, and I love that about the world. I don't expect everyone to agree with me about lots of things. However, I really don't think it's appropriate to suggest that all the OP's problems would be solved if he could just learn to love the ladies. It's damaging and it's really really unhelpful in this case.

Lux23

Resist ZOG wrote: »

Why get so sensitive when someones merely points out that op may not actually be gay? And that he should at least have an experience with a woman first? Is your identity that fragile? Not everyone hates you just they have different opinions to you, you know.

So I suppose you had sex with a man just to make sure that you're straight?