The Only Gay in the Office

dickiepower

Been working in my current job for a while now and from what I can tell I seem to be the only LGBT person on the team. Previously I would have worked where there have been one or more other LGBT members and I felt a quite comfort know there was someone else like me and was someone I could talk to. 

While I don't discuss my sexuality openly unless of course it's part of normal conversation (social events etc.). At first I would have been slow to talk about it but as time went on I was more open. That being said when I did open up more about it I found one of my colleagues proceeded to bring it up in conversation with others in the "did you know" type of way. I don't think any harm was meant I still think it doesn't need to be brought up artificially. I rather say it as a normal part of a conversation.

Anyway, I'm wondering about other users own experiences at work, Do you work with other LGBT colleagues? Does/Would would you feel a little isolated at work if you were the only LGBT person? Does it even really matter?

Thanks.

L1011

Have been in situations where there was a very high LGBT % (media job) and currently I'm probably one of two in over a hundred. Its always important to be out/open - there's an awful lot of people who think they're never homophobic and would be horrified at being accused of such but make stupid comments either unknowingly or when they assume there's nobody to object. Its pretty likely that reminding the general population that LGBT exist and they know them personally is what won the referendum, for instance.

I've never had to pointledly bring it up - it usually comes up accidentally pretty quickly. I've nearly always worked in extremely male dominated environments and I've only once had someone have a problem about it - overheard comments from a single individual where I was referred to as "the fag". HR dealt with that quite strongly.

I work in an office of 60-70 people and I know of only one person there other than myself who's LGBT (which of course isn't to say that there aren't any others there, just none that I know about!).

I'm not "out" to my colleagues* but I'm not "closeted" either; it's simply something that's never come up. I suspect some of them know and some of them don't but in two and a half years there I've never had any homophobic comments or implications directed at me by anyone so it's not something that bothers me or particularly concerns me.

*actually there is at least one colleague who does know, as one of his friends asked me when we were in a takeaway after a work-night out and I just said "yeah". I don't think he (my colleague) cared I was gay, though he may have been a little bothered that his (female) friend had actually asked me as he said "you don't have to answer that" to me.

Lauren3142

my last job i found it extremely hard to come out . They were all from eastern europe and were all homophobic .

I was going to come out but after i had tested the waters i decided it would be the best to stay safely in the closet.

long story short - they all knew anyway so if i could go back i would have told them and maybe i would have been less isolated and kept the job.

baby and crumble

I work in a small charity organisation and as someone in her mid-30's, very settled, getting married later this year, it'd be nigh impossible for me to not be out.

I've never encountered any issues around my sexuality (granted I find myself playing on the safer side of my gender presentation when it comes to work outfits) and my boss in particular is pretty liberal and wore a Yes Equality badge on his suit all through the campaign, which actually meant an awful lot to me. It was nice that he nailed his colours to the mast, so to speak.

dvdman1

Why would a personal matter such as the sex you choose be an issue in a professional office environment?

baby and crumble

dvdman1 wrote: »

Why would a personal matter such as the sex you choose be an issue in a professional office environment?

It's not about sex. It's about feeling open to discussing things that often, straight people take for granted, such as the name of your partner, what you did at the weekend, your favourite pub etc. Many studies have shown that feeling acceptance and openness in your work environment, such as that which comes from being out and supported, has a positive impact of personal mental health and your overall productivity.

dvdman1

baby and crumble wrote: »

It's not about sex. It's about feeling open to discussing things that often, straight people take for granted, such as the name of your partner, what you did at the weekend, your favourite pub etc. Many studies have shown that feeling acceptance and openness in your work environment, such as that which comes from being out and supported, has a positive impact of personal mental health and your overall productivity.

Gay people are exactly the same as straight people minus 1 issue the preference on sex...if i was to work with 100% gay people.. it would make no difference to me fitting in and being accepted. People are people...minorities such as some gay people often over think their difference when in fact were all alike

baby and crumble

Yes. Which is why having a workplace where you can be comfortable being yourself is just as important for straight and gay people.

Its natural to want to work and live and socialise with people who have similar interests and backgrounds. This applies to sexuality which, whether you like it or not, is and has been a huge issue for lots of people for decades. It is only VERY recently that a person working in certain inistitions and certain sectors (teaching and medicine, as two examples) could b protected from being fired solely because of their sexuality. Which, by you account (and many others) has no bearing on the workplace.

What's the problem with someone wanting to have something in common with the people they work with?

dvdman1

baby and crumble wrote: »

Yes. Which is why having a workplace where you can be comfortable being yourself is just as important for straight and gay people.

Its natural to want to work and live and socialise with people who have similar interests and backgrounds. This applies to sexuality which, whether you like it or not, is and has been a huge issue for lots of people for decades. It is only VERY recently that a person working in certain inistitions and certain sectors (teaching and medicine, as two examples) could b protected from being fired solely because of their sexuality. Which, by you account (and many others) has no bearing on the workplace.

What's the problem with someone wanting to have something in common with the people they work with?

Yes i agree with it being natural to want to be the same, and your points are very true about injustices in the past.
On the other hand if we go back to the original poster who says..."Previously I would have worked where there have been one or more other LGBT members" and this made him feel comfortable...why cant he just accept hes in the MINORITY and relax about his tiny difference with his work colleagues.

baby and crumble

dvdman1 wrote: »

Why cant he just accept hes in the MINORITY and relax about his tiny difference with his work colleagues.

Why can't YOU accept that someone has feelings and thoughts you don't share?

Just because someone is in a minority it doesn't mean they should put up and shut up.

dvdman1

baby and crumble wrote: »

Why can't YOU accept that someone has feelings and thoughts you don't share?

Just because someone is in a minority it doesn't mean they should put up and shut up.

What part of MINORITY dont you understand?

L1011

dvdman1 wrote: »

What part of MINORITY dont you understand?

You appear to think that there's some justification to treating minorities differently. Could you explain why?

baby and crumble

dvdman1 wrote: »

What part of MINORITY dont you understand?

What part of it doesn't matter if he or she is in a minority, he or she would like to be in an environment in which he or she is not alone don't you understand?

Why do Irish people abroad flock to work and hang out in Irish pubs?

Why is there such a thing as Chinatown, Little Italy, the French Quarter in cities all around the globe?

And frankly in a small team of say, 10 people in the workplace you could feasibly expect more than 1 to be gay. Over 20% of young (18-34 year olds) identify as part of the LGBT community in the US according to recent research. That's a sizeable "minority".

dvdman1

L1011 wrote: »

You appear to think that there's some justification to treating minorities differently. Could you explain why?

Nowhere did i suggest the treating of minorities to be different, could you explain?

L1011

dvdman1 wrote: »

Nowhere did i suggest the treating of minorities to be different, could you explain?

That people need to accept their membership thereof and alter their behaviour

dvdman1

baby and crumble wrote: »

What part of it doesn't matter if he or she is in a minority, he or she would like to be in an environment in which he or she is not alone don't you understand?

Why do Irish people abroad flock to work and hang out in Irish pubs?

Why is there such a thing as Chinatown, Little Italy, the French Quarter in cities all around the globe?

And frankly in a small team of say, 10 people in the workplace you could feasibly expect more than 1 to be gay. Over 20% of young (18-34 year olds) identify as part of the LGBT community in the US according to recent research. That's a sizeable "minority".

Why would a person be alone..he has all his work colleagues...just because an aspect of his life is slightly different you seem to suggest that this is problematic if he cant find it in the others hes surrounded by......why would i be upset if my collegues dislike kids but i like to talk about my family and kids.ill just move on and find common ground of which are many regardless of being straight or gay.

baby and crumble

I can tell I'm probably not going to get my point across to you. All I would say is maybe think about what it would feel like to have to not talk about your kids EVER at work, for fear that you might loose your job. Think about what it would be like to every day go into a place where you can't make small talk about a date you went on, or the bar you went to at the weekend. That's how oppressive it feels. I worked in a place like that for 6 months and I left because I knew I had nothing in common with my colleagues. The gay thing was only a part of it but it still meant something to me.

This isn't just gay people going "I want to talk about gay stuff all the time, screw you guys!" It's about feeling safe and welcome at work and not just a "minority" that needs to shut up and know their place. It's also about working for a company that values relationships and friendships between colleagues and knows that a positive and open atmosphere creates happy workers.

Hunchback

dvdman1 wrote:

What part of MINORITY dont you understand?

Why don't you just splain it again to us

Elemonator

I don't mean to seem flippant but I honestly couldn't care less if my colleagues were LGBT. How other people choose to live their lives and their sexual orientation is of no consequence to me.

I'd be more concerned about ones merit.

Jayop

I think this is similar to those who comment on an article when a footballer comes out to say things like "sure why does he have to come out in public, no one cares". They are missing the point as far as I can tell. People coming out in celebrity/sporting positions allows others who are perhaps considering it themselves to come out without fear of being treated differently. Similarly if you work in an environment that you know someone else is already out and that they are being treated the same then you're probably going to feel more confident and able to be true to yourself.


We'll that's my take on it anyway.

dvdman1

Yes you are gay but you are all “more” than Just Gay. Im straight but my god this doesnt define me in the workplace.

Goodshape

dvdman1 wrote: »

Im straight but my god this doesnt define me in the workplace.

Do you ever talk with your co-workers about your family, children, wife, girlfriend, your weekend plans, your favourite bar, your favourite TV shows?

Very little to do with defining yourself. Those things are just a part of you. A part of how you interact with people.


And you personally may have no issue whatsoever with a colleague or co-worker discussing those things when, for them, it's same-sex family, weekend plans including gay bars, or TV shows like RuPauls. But you must surely acknowledge that plenty of guys wouldn't be willing to chat casually about those things. Therefor, being LGBT makes a difference.

It's the risk of not being able to join those conversations about family and weekend plans - not because you don't have them but because it's not "office friendly chat".


And if you're thinking that's rubbish, all in the head of the gay gay or gal, then maybe you're right - maybe the rejection is perceived and not actual. That also can and should be addressed.


So take it from us if you can't see it for yourself, being the only gay in the office can make a difference. Not knowing if there's support there (or worse, knowing that there's isn't support) can make a difference. Being a minority does not mean to be quiet and put up with the will of the many. It means that you have needs which are separate from the many and which often require a (sometimes subtly) different approach to satisfy or fulfil. It's about finding that balance and the approach which works for you personally.


In a workplace it benefits everyone, and the business, if employees basic human needs (including a feeling of safety, belonging, and meaningful human interaction) are satisfied - regardless how "minority" those needs are.

Seamai

dvdman1 wrote: »

Yes you are gay but you are all “more†than Just Gay. Im straight but my god this doesnt define me in the workplace.

So your personal life, what you did at weekends, your significant other never gets mentioned in your workplace? It's all such a normal part of your life it's not even something you think about, however, for some divulging certain information about themselves can open them up to ridicule or worse.

I'm pretty lucky in my workplace, I don't bang on about being gay ad nauseam but I'd never lie about it either. We have one eastern European guy who is pretty Neanderthal in his views on gay people and just because I didn't fit into his narrow stereotype he never worked it out, some of the bile he came out with was pretty sick but not being in the first flush of youth myself I grew up in tougher times and developed a thick skin when it came to comments like his. I was a bit surprised when a guy that I though was on the conservative side himself pulled him aside to give him an earful about his homophobic comments.

dvdman1

Goodshape wrote: »

Do you ever talk with your co-workers about your family, children, wife, girlfriend, your weekend plans, your favourite bar, your favourite TV shows?

Very little to do with defining yourself. Those things are just a part of you. A part of how you interact with people.


And you personally may have no issue whatsoever with a colleague or co-worker discussing those things when, for them, it's same-sex family, weekend plans including gay bars, or TV shows like RuPauls. But you must surely acknowledge that plenty of guys wouldn't be willing to chat casually about those things. Therefor, being LGBT makes a difference.

It's the risk of not being able to join those conversations about family and weekend plans - not because you don't have them but because it's not "office friendly chat".


And if you're thinking that's rubbish, all in the head of the gay gay or gal, then maybe you're right - maybe the rejection is perceived and not actual. That also can and should be addressed.


So take it from us if you can't see it for yourself, being the only gay in the office can make a difference. Not knowing if there's support there (or worse, knowing that there's isn't support) can make a difference. Being a minority does not mean to be quiet and put up with the will of the many. It means that you have needs which are separate from the many and which often require a (sometimes subtly) different approach to satisfy or fulfil. It's about finding that balance and the approach which works for you personally.


In a workplace it benefits everyone, and the business, if employees basic human needs (including a feeling of safety, belonging, and meaningful human interaction) are satisfied - regardless how "minority" those needs are.

The point is your in the minority..and no this doesnt mean be quiet and stay out of the way.
Being in a Minority especially in the workplace as it is not always an environment of our choosing you should expect to be the voice to the back.....this point is key as the workplace isnt choosen for sexual preference or in my case family chit chat.
Instead of seeking out others you should be confident to talk openly..you may be very surprised at peoples accepting and understanding attitudes were all accountable and indivuals...association and compartmentalizing gayness can stigmatise people..for example a heterosexual male in a workplace isnt always going to seek out other hetrosexual males especially if theres a macho culture thats intimadating to others and counter productive to a workplace.in this case the male could be stigmatised as being a so called tough guy.

Vojera

dvdman1 wrote: »

On the other hand if we go back to the original poster who says..."Previously I would have worked where there have been one or more other LGBT members" and this made him feel comfortable...why cant he just accept hes in the MINORITY and relax about his tiny difference with his work colleagues.

I'm the only gay person in the company I work for (about 50 people) and, luckily for me, no one gives a ****. So I don't get treated as the "token gay" or have people act weird around me, I'm just me, same as anyone else is just themselves. And I imagine this is what you're trying to get across, that in an ideal world, things would be like they are in my workplace - the fact that I'm the only queer person in the building doesn't make a blind bit of difference to anyone and we all get on with our lives. I never feel like a minority here, I'm just Vojera, yer wan that can be a bit cranky on the phone but is actually lovely when you meet her in person.

But unfortunately, not everyone is so accepting. People have this idea that coming out as not-straight is a big event that happens once in your life, but actually it's dozens of small decisions you make throughout a lifetime. Every time you start a new job you have a bit of anxiety inside that makes you go "Crap, what if people treat me differently once they know I'm gay? What if they're not okay about it?" And you can either bite the bullet and say "Yes, my wife and I went to a party on Saturday night for her sister's birthday, it was great craic", or get stuck in this awful wooden performance of The Pronoun Game: "My partner and I went to a party for their sister's birthday and we had a great time. Their friend came home from Canada as a surprise also and they were so excited to see him."

Speaking like that and policing every sentence you utter is draining, anxiety-inducing and prevents you from acting in a normal and natural way around people. It stops you from forming workplace friendships and from feeling comfortable in a place you spend half your waking hours.

So it's not that people need to have other gay people in their workplaces - I certainly don't, it makes no odds to me what sexuality people are - but having someone else already having done that groundwork and seeing someone being accepted makes the next person feel safer in being honest about themselves. If another LGB person joins my company and has that moment of anxiety, the moment they hear someone else ask how my wife is doing, that anxiety will vanish because they know people here are accepting. And being able to lose that anxiety will make them a happier and more productive person.

TL;DR: It's not so much that LGB people need to work with other LGB people, it's that seeing other LGB people being accepted in a workplace makes it a more welcoming place.

Goodshape

dvdman1 wrote: »

The point is your in the minority..and no this doesnt mean be quiet and stay out of the way.
Being in a Minority especially in the workplace as it is not always an environment of our choosing you should expect to be the voice to the back.....this point is key as the workplace isnt choosen for sexual preference or in my case family chit chat.
Instead of seeking out others you should be confident to talk openly..you may be very surprised at peoples accepting and understanding attitudes were all accountable and indivuals...association and compartmentalizing gayness can stigmatise people..for example a heterosexual male in a workplace isnt always going to seek out other hetrosexual males especially if theres a macho culture thats intimadating to others and counter productive to a workplace.in this case the male could be stigmatised as being a so called tough guy.

Right, well.

You entered this conversation with a (perhaps loaded) question - "Why would a personal matter such as the sex you choose be an issue in a professional office environment?"

I think a few of us have tried to answer that question for you at face value, and now you're arguing with them. If you're ever curious why people get annoyed at "mansplaining" and the like - try and remember this conversation as an example.

We are the ones who are having this experience, you are the one that can ask us what our experience is like. You don't really get to tell us we're wrong.


And you are absolutely correct that it shouldn't matter. But you are totally wrong that it doesn't matter.

dvdman1

Goodshape wrote: »

Right, well.

You entered this conversation with a (perhaps loaded) question - "Why would a personal matter such as the sex you choose be an issue in a professional office environment?"

I think a few of us have tried to answer that question for you at face value, and now you're arguing with them. If you're ever curious why people get annoyed at "mansplaining" and the like - try and remember this conversation as an example.

We are the ones who are having this experience, you are the one that can ask us what our experience is like. You don't really get to tell us we're wrong.


And you are absolutely correct that it shouldn't matter. But you are totally wrong that it doesn't matter.

An individual asked a question here, ive responded and its in the spirit of free speach and boards for me to respond in any resonable way i wish.....and i can assure you my responces are certainly not loaded.

Nowhere did i say it "doesnt matter" and nowhere did i say anyone was wrong as you put it...And yes you may feel experiences as a gay person but you definitely dont speak for all gay people...your over agressive responce is not representative of gay people.

Goodshape

Sorry if you found my responses to be aggressive. Wasn't my intention but it is tiring having your personal experiences continuously questioned.

Nowhere did i say it "doesnt matter"

I think you implied it several times:

"Why would a personal matter such as the sex you choose be an issue in a professional office environment?"

"Gay people are exactly the same as straight people minus 1 issue the preference on sex...if i was to work with 100% gay people.. it would make no difference"

"why cant he just accept hes in the MINORITY and relax about his tiny difference with his work colleagues"

"What part of MINORITY dont you understand?"

"Yes you are gay but you are all *more* than Just Gay. Im straight but my god this doesnt define me in the workplace"

Goodshape

Annnyywaay.. back on topic?


Have been in my current job for a little over a year and, very happy to say, it's very accepting and I feel perfectly normal discussing anything to do with myself (as much as I'd want to anyway ). There was one other gay guy in the office when I joined and that definitely helped to break the ice on the subject.

The "coming out" phase of a new job (and yes, as someone said above, coming out isn't a one time thing - it's every new job or social group!) is always the toughest. I have spent months in previous places still trying to think of the best way to drop that in there, without making a song and dance of it.

The last place I worked definitely had a bit of a bro / lad culture and I was definitely at a bit of an arms length to the social happenings there. It was "fine" - but happy to have moved on all the same.


Bottom line I think, when you find the right group it will pretty much just not matter at all. We'll all be living as dvdman1 intended . In my experience decent people don't sit around chatting about banging chicks or going "Phwaaar" at every passing skirt. But it can take a while to find decent people.

15YemenRoad

Large Accounting Firm.

It would probably be more socially acceptable to admit that you were a murderer.

Annasopra

dvdman1 wrote: »

An individual asked a question here, ive responded and its in the spirit of free speach and boards for me to respond in any resonable way i wish.....and i can assure you my responces are certainly not loaded.

Nowhere did i say it "doesnt matter" and nowhere did i say anyone was wrong as you put it...And yes you may feel experiences as a gay person but you definitely dont speak for all gay people...your over agressive responce is not representative of gay people.

Of course you can respond as you wish but please do make sure you aqcuaint yourself with point 14 in our charter if you are posting in the thread again as you are sailing quite close to breaching it. I won't respond to moderation on thread as per the charter. Any issues PM me.

ixoy

No issues in my workplace - I work with a mix of people from different companies and my direct company is very gay-friendly. I correct people when I feel the need to, such as when people heard my engagement and asked about my wife I just said "no, husband in this case" and that was that. No deal made.

I suspect that my sort of situation is what dvdman1 is trying to talk about - where people just go "ah right, yeah" when you correct them and move on. It's good that I can be like that but it's not always been that way and still isn't for many.

L1011

15YemenRoad wrote: »

Large Accounting Firm.

It would probably be more socially acceptable to admit that you were a murderer.

At least one of the Big 4 has an entry in Pride every year - presume its not that one!