Fed up or am I being unreasonable?

Jojo17

So I work full time my partner stays at home. I'm getting to a point where I now feel so stressed and come home in bad form. My partner does nothing in the house all day I come back to wash up to be do be washing not put on the horse, we have a child I get him up in the morn get him dresses breakfast set for school. My partner gets up literally to bring me to work and our child to school. Place is left in a mess all day if I ask my partner will ya do xyz all I get back is don't be getting on to me. Am I unfair in wanting things done around the house while I'm at work ?

Sit down and talk to him about it.

Jojo17

I've tried this and it doesn't seem to work. He tells me he does enough looking after our child and why am I start getting on to him now. He hates my mother and keeps saying is she behind this telling you what to do again... I'm stressed to the point of tears now at this stage.

Erik Shin

Perhaps being out of work is dragging him down... Possibly feeling depressed....And needs some help and assistance

If he's always like this, even before you met him, he's a lazy git and prob won't change

Jojo17

Erik Shin wrote: »

Perhaps being out of work is dragging him down... Possibly feeling depressed....And needs some help and assistance

If he's always like this, even before you met him, he's a lazy git and prob won't change

He's out of work all the time she to medical reasons. Nothing to stop him from doing any of these small household chores. I don't know.... even if child wakes up during the night for whatever reason even though he could be awake and downstairs in expected to go into to see if lo is ok...

Jojo17

Jojo17 wrote: »

So I work full time my partner stays at home ... Am I unfair in wanting things done around the house while I'm at work ?

In a nutshell, no, you are not being unfair. In my opinion, when one person stays at home and the other works full-time (be it through choice or necessity) I view the household as the "job" of the person who stays at home.

You seem to be doing two jobs while your partner does little or nothing.

The question though is do you see this changing? Your child is school-going age so I assume you've been together for a while.

Also, I don't like the "your mother is behind this" attitude. It's a classic, cheap diversionary tactic to unsettle you when you're trying to make a point and the irony of it is, he probably thinks you're right which is why he gets defensive.

I don't know what is his medical issue but it seems that you are the breadwinner for the foreseeable future and you need to talk to him but not about the housework as such, you need to explain to him how stressed you are, how unsupported you feel and how unfair you feel the current situation is.

Depending on his response you can take it from there.

LegacyUser

I'm not generally a fan of ultimatums, they normally just entrench the positions, but I think in your case you'd be quite entitled to tell him that his behaviour is having a detrimental impact on you and is putting you in a position where you're going to have to consider the long-term viability of the relationship if he doesn't change. You can't persist in a relationship that's bringing you to tears or your health will suffer, so will your child's and your child will learn a damaging, dysfunctional relationship pattern.

If he is suffering mentally, he will have to seek help, that's his responsibility as a partner and father. If he's just lazy, he'll have to get up and start working, inside or outside the home.

I'm not suggesting you present a set of angry demands, but I wouldn't mince my words either, the situation can't persist.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Xterminator

Hey OP

your partner may need a short sharp shock.

Can you stay at your folks for a week, (with the child) to clear the air. Let him know exacylt whats up & cut contact for a few days, i assume he can visit his child while your not there.

If you dont break this cycle you will be stuck in it, and your resentment will grow till the relationship is dead.

Jojo17

Xterminator wrote: »

Hey OP

your partner may need a short sharp shock.

Can you stay at your folks for a week, (with the child) to clear the air. Let him know exacylt whats up & cut contact for a few days, i assume he can visit his child while your not there.

If you dont break this cycle you will be stuck in it, and your resentment will grow till the relationship is dead.

I'm not leaving my house for no body. I just tried to speak to him now and all I got is I have plenty time to do it. He does his own bit he's not going to be a scivvy for anyone. So looks like he won't do a thing for me, example I came home today (late) my little one wouldn't eat her dinner I asked had she got anything in between lunch and dinner he said only a doughnut but that wouldn't ruin her dinner. It was like an hour before dinner, pee was still left in her potty and her night time nappy from the morning was still on the floor, the floors haven't been clean or swept it I dunno how long.
I feel like screaming right now...

Ursus Horribilis

How long are you together? Looking back, can you spot any warning signs that he was going to turn into the person he is now? I honestly couldn't say if the guy's depressed or not but his attitude stinks to the high heavens. I'm wondering what on earth are you getting from this relationship? He's not working, he's not pulling his weight, he's not looking after his own child properly, he's obnoxious. Would the world come to an end if you were to split?

ShaShaBear

Jojo17 wrote: »

I'm not leaving my house for no body. I just tried to speak to him now and all I got is I have plenty time to do it. He does his own bit he's not going to be a scivvy for anyone. So looks like he won't do a thing for me, example I came home today (late) my little one wouldn't eat her dinner I asked had she got anything in between lunch and dinner he said only a doughnut but that wouldn't ruin her dinner. It was like an hour before dinner, pee was still left in her potty and her night time nappy from the morning was still on the floor, the floors haven't been clean or swept it I dunno how long.
I feel like screaming right now...

I'd be putting him out to be honest. Emptying your child's potty and lifting a dirty nappy aren't being a "skivvy" to your child. Sounds like he wants you to turf him out so he doesn't have to be the man that left his partner and kid. :mad:

As a man who is at home with the child (she's 3 and has play group so frees me for a few hours a day) this isn't right OP. He's either lazy or has some issues with being out of work and depression.

You've been together long enough to know in your heart which of the two it is.

Even on breaks from play group I can get the grass cut etc. let alone trivial things like the washing and tripping over legos and trying not to let her hear me swear. I'm not sat here saying what a great 'man' I am I just get on with it like most fellas. Partner gets home asks how our day was and asks if we need a hand and theres always something like in most houses, she'll watch the wee one and get dinner started while I get one with something or vice versa usually some colouring in needs to be done because " dada used the red one on my picture"

Thats normal OP, what you are describing is a breaking point waiting to happen.

Ursus Horribilis

I also would worry about how well he's looking after your little child. Even though he's old enough to go to school, there's still an awful lot of harm a small person can come to if an adult's not watching. Is he watching?