Boyfriend spends day with another girl

annie jay

Hi folks

I need your opinion on this.

My Oh and I have been together for 2 years, we have a long distance relationship and we try and make it work by seeing each every weekend if possible, we live 4 hour drive from each other.
We text every day and a phone call every second evening if possible.
He travels a lot for work, and with his work, he socialises a lot. Nights out, meet up, I understand this is networking and catching up with colleagues etc.

Recently he was in Italy and had a work thing on for 2 days, he ended up finishing earlier than expected and his flight home wasn't until 36 hours later.
This I knew, and he told me he was going to make use of his time to work on projects.

He messaged me on Sunday and I asked how his day was, he told me that he meet a friend of his who lives 50 km away from the place he was staying, She came to meet him there, and he thought they would have a few drinks , she suggested going sightseeing along the coast line. He said it was a beautiful day.
I didn't really take in the message, I didn't react I suppose I should say.
He called me later that night, I had had a bad day so wasn't in great form, we chatted about that, I asked how his day was, and he told me over the phone about going for a beautiful drive with this 'cool ' girl. How nice the scenery was and he also said we should go and she had recommendations to go other places if we decided to go in the future. He also mentioned she had a boyfriend.
I listened and said ' sounds like a great day'
I also can understand that it would be a long day for him otherwise.

But I can't help but feel bothered by it. Should I feel upset about it?? We have chatted since but it hasn't come up in conversation and I know I'm sounding 'off' to him, he did ask today was I ok ?

My dilemma is nothing major, I'm trying to work through it, he's had many sexual partners, if he has a connection with someone in the past and it's mutual, they sleep together and he is friends with many of these girls. I find this challenging at times but have worked through most of it. He would still work with these 'friends ' while he is abroad and I'm usually ok with it 😬

So I don't know did he have a sexual relationship with this girl he went sightseeing with in Italy, he could have?

He always tells me how much he loves me and he particularly said how he had missed me while he was away on this occasion.
But he also would say that he looks at other women and would admit that he would find them attractive but he then asks himself would they give him what I give him ??
This I have been thinking of, and possibly in the wrong way but if he tests himself by looking at attractive women to ask him self the question could they give him what I give him, well what if the later didn't come for him?? He is in a beautiful part of the world with this girl and they spend the day together and go for something to eat at the end of the day. Should I have concerns?

I'm trying to be rational and logical here !
Would other women be ok with their partners spending a day with another woman??
What do the men think of this situation??

Thanks

uck51js9zml2yt

<mod snip: no need to quote the entire OP>

would you have preferred him to sit in his room for 36 hours?

He met a friend, they went for a drive and a bit to eat.
Unless you have evidence something else happened, then you're being illogical.

athtrasna

It's not logical or rational, it sounds like you're afraid.

Men and women tend to have friends of the opposite sex. Friends hang out. It sounds like your boyfriend decided to make the most of this unexpected free time and catch up with a friend and explore the sites. That he refers to wanting to bring you there is reassuring in my opinion.

Rather than ask on an Internet forum you need to talk to him about your fears because otherwise this will eat away at you and paranoia will set in. Paranoia is destructive. Talk to him

Rachiee

Nothing your boyfriend has done sounds in any way unreasonable or worrying he spent the day with a friend (a friend who has her own boyfriend) and told you about it and how you should go there.
The fact that he told you about the day shows that he has no mixed/ romantic feelings for her (he'd of been secretive about it if he did)
The fact that he said you should go shows that he spent the day thinking of you and that he thinks you have some future together.
I guess it can be harder to trust partners and easier to get jealous when you dont see them as much as you would like but it will affect both of your enjoyment of the relationship, but dont really know how you'd get past it you either trust someone or you dont at the end of the day.

gitzy16v

Rachiee wrote: »

Nothing your boyfriend has done sounds in any way unreasonable or worrying he spent the day with a friend (a friend who has her own boyfriend) and told you about it and how you should go there.
The fact that he told you about the day shows that he has no mixed/ romantic feelings for her (he'd of been secretive about it if he did)
The fact that he said you should go shows that he spent the day thinking of you and that he thinks you have some future together.
I guess it can be harder to trust partners and easier to get jealous when you dont see them as much as you would like but it will affect both of your enjoyment of the relationship, but dont really know how you'd get past it you either trust someone or you dont at the end of the day.

My thoughts exactly!..I couldn't have put it better.
I'll also add Follow your instinct...rarely wrong.

Big Bag of Chips

annie jay wrote: »

How nice the scenery was and he also said we should go and she had recommendations to go other places if we decided to go in the future. He also mentioned she had a boyfriend.

Sounds like at least part of the day was spent talking about you and him maybe going on a holiday there. And more of the day was spent talking about her and her boyfriend. I don't think you have much to worry about. Be careful of becoming possessive and jealous of long standing friendships he might have. It's a sure fire way of pushing someone away.

Yellow pack crisps

I don't think he cheated. Some other posters made excellent posts in that regard.

Now. What I find ****ed up is his tendency to look at other women and ask could they give him what you give them? That's gonna mess with a persons head. Of course we look at what attracts us and that's normal and to be expected but to actually tell the person you supposedly Love that you won't sleep with them because what you have at home won't match is a bit messed up. I'm sure you must think sometimes but what if one day someone he is attracted to does offer the things I give and a bit more? What then? Does he drop me and go with them? I think maybe that's your real problem there.

Ursus Horribilis

Do you have plans to move nearer to each other? Long distance relationships are hard work as you well know. It's easy for paranoia and jealousy creep in, especially when your other half hangs around with other people and lives a life of their own.

annie jay

The last thing I want to be is a possessive and jealous girlfriend, I'd sooner walk away than become this.
But I have to say I am bothered by it, he told me that he would be working so to find out he went on a day trip sightseeing with a girl, this I was surprised, he never mentioned he had a friend there and that he might contact her.
I just feel doing couplly stuff should be saved to do with your girlfriend.
This girl could well be a just a friend, but I can't help but think was he with her in the past ? I know to some it's the same thing, it's in the past if they were, and that they are friends now.
Long distance is difficult and texting and talking on the phone at the end of long days , I couldn't ask him what happened, or how did you end up contacting her, and dobig something for the day.its a face to face conversation. And I'm not sure if I should in person now , will he think I'm insecure and jealous?
And yea why he said about testing himself, has stayed in my mind, I can't help but think a few drinks , a different country a beautiful girl well like I said he might not get to the second part, can they give him what I can ?

osarusan

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Now. What I find ****ed up is his tendency to look at other women and ask could they give him what you give them?

I took that to mean "Yes there are attractive women out there, but I wouldn't have with them what I have with you."

I don't think he is 'testing himself' at all.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with osarusan, we all know there are attractive people in the world other than our partners. But we are with our partners for so many other reasons, not just attraction. I often say that most of my friends are married. Obviously to men that they love and are attracted to (not just physically!) I am not attracted to any of them, even though some of them are attractive men!! What I have with my husband is something that meant we got together and stayed together where other relationships we were in didn't last for whatever reason.

I'm sorry OP, but of course your bf is going to find other women attractive. He's not blind! But that doesn't mean he's attracted to them. Do you ever see another man and think he's attractive? Would you think about dropping your bf in favour of some other attractive man? I think he tried to reassure you, but you took it up as a negative.

There will always be more attractive people I'm the world. Always. But what we share with our partners is supposed to go deeper than that. You can't lock him up for fear of him meeting someone he likes better than you, you just have to trust him when he says that what he has with you, he doesn't believe he'd have with someone else.... Obviously if you finished with him tomorrow, he probably would meet someone else! But for as long as he's with you, you have to believe that it's you he wants.

If it had been a male friend would you have thought going for a drive and getting lunch was a 'couply' thing to do?!

meeeeh

Op you don't know what happened in Italy, nobody but your oh and his friend do. You have a choice to trust him or not. If you decide not to just remember that you are suspecting stuff without any concrete evidence. I can't imagine a relationship being very pleasant if you have constant doubts. I know it's harder when you are long distance but this one is on you to fix for yourself, you have no indication your partner did anything wrong.

Also I think you are imagining an exotic Italian beauty with loose morals. As far as I can tell you haven't met her or seen her and you have no basis for that conclusion. American rom-coms are not the best material to get impressions about other nationalities.

annie jay

Thanks for all you comments and advice. I think I get it now. I just had to trash it out, I normally would talk to a few close girls friends but are all unavailable at the moment.

So yes your all right , he has done nothing wrong, he told me about it and why would he not contact his friend and take in the sights and go for something to eat when they are hungry, I will see him in person this weekend, I have decided not to bring it up, if it comes up naturally in conversation I will ask questions and be inquisitive and interested in his trip away of course.
This is more my issue and my own insecurities for sure, it's a constant challenge for me, and my OH challenges this for me. He has many past sexual/intimate relationships with people that he would still travel and work with.
I would like to add I am not imaging a woman with loose morals actually, I was actually picking up on the fact that my OH is naturally flirtatious and charming and has more female friends than male friends and this doesn't always sit well me, I jumped to the negative thinking of that aspect of his personality. On the positive of that is why I love him so much, he's charismatic and funny and charming and alwaysd friendly to who ever he meets.

I really do have to work hard to get over my 'stuff' and except that this will be a given occurrence if he is abroad or even in his own home town. I do love him and I know he loves me, but yes you guessed it, I have thrust issues I guess.

annie jay

annie jay wrote: »

Thanks for all you comments and advice. I think I get it now. I just had to trash it out, I normally would talk to a few close girls friends but are all unavailable at the moment.

So yes your all right , he has done nothing wrong, he told me about it and why would he not contact his friend and take in the sights and go for something to eat when they are hungry, I will see him in person this weekend, I have decided not to bring it up, if it comes up naturally in conversation I will ask questions and be inquisitive and interested in his trip away of course.
This is more my issue and my own insecurities for sure, it's a constant challenge for me, and my OH challenges this in me. He has many past sexual/intimate relationships with women that he would still travel and work with.
I would like to add I am not imaging a woman with loose morals actually, I was actually picking up on the fact that my OH is naturally flirtatious and charming and has more female friends than male friends and this doesn't always sit well me, I jumped to the negative thinking of that aspect of his personality. On the positive of that is why I love him so much, he's charismatic and funny and charming and alwaysd friendly to who ever he meets.

I really do have to work hard to get over my 'stuff' and except that this will be a given occurrence if he is abroad or even in his own home town. I do love him and I know he loves me, but yes you guessed it, I have thrust issues I guess.