Need advise

MissM123

Hey everyone. So iv been seeing my boyfriend with 3 months. From the start we were very lovey dovey, the kind of couple you'd dread being around really. We always sent big long texts about how we feel about each other and he would always send me a good night and good morning text. The lovey messages started to slack about 3 weeks ago from both of us as we were comfortable around each other and knew how we felt about each other. We had a fight and broke up 2 week's ago, he came back to me a week later and explained everything to me abut why he did it and asked me to meet for a chat. I did and we talked for hours, in the end he asked me to get back with him so I said I would but he has ground to make up. Over the next few days he put in a huge effort by text(which I ignored) and when I saw him Sunday he made a huge effort also by planning a day out and being very effectionate and loving he was the same way last night when I saw him. The problem here is the loving messages have stopped and I'm not very happy about it. I still get my good night and morning messages and he tells me he loves me every night before I go to sleep but I miss the long meaningfull messages every day. Am I totally over reacting? I have been single almost 2 years before his so I forgot what the start of a relationship is like, is this situation normal or should I be worried? As I say his amazing in person. Sorry for the long post!

Lead

Why aren't you sending him these messages first and getting the conversation going?

Mitch Connor

You said he put in huge effort by text and you ignored it, after getting back with him. Now you're annoyed the effort via texts, WHICH YOU IGNORED, has slacked? Really?

Big Bag of Chips

He sent you a long message, and you ignored it. You're playing a game where you are getting him to do the chasing, yet you're playing cool. How long do you expect him to make a fool of himself for you?!

I mean that in the nicest possible way. You got back with him, which means you accept and move on from whatever happened before. You can't get back with him yet continue to test him. And it seems to be a test that he doesn't understand.

You're either with him or you're not. Surely many long lovey dovey messages get repetitive after a while? Surely you've heard it all by now?

fungun

Over the next few days he put in a huge effort by text(which I ignored)

The problem here is the loving messages have stopped and I'm not very happy about it

I still get my good night and morning messages and he tells me he loves me every night before I go to sleep but I miss the long meaningfull messages every day.

So after you got back together.....he made a huge effort by text, which you ignored. And now you are giving out that he is not sending big long texts?

Im not sure what you expect. If you want something you need to at least show you appreciate it when he does it, so if you ignored them, Im not surprised he stopped.

MissM123

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He sent you a long message, and you ignored it. You're playing a game where you are getting him to do the chasing, yet you're playing cool. How long do you expect him to make a fool of himself for you?!

I mean that in the nicest possible way. You got back with him, which means you accept and move on from whatever happened before. You can't get back with him yet continue to test him. And it seems to be a test that he doesn't understand.

You're either with him or you're not. Surely many long lovey dovey messages get repetitive after a while? Surely you've heard it all by now?

Well he didn't send me a long message but he was being nice and caring in the messages and I was ignoring his efforts. Maybe I am just over reacting and actions speak louder than words? As he said if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't have asked me to get back together

Big Bag of Chips

Why did you get back with him? Do you like him? If you do like him, why are you playing a game where you're getting him to chase you while you pretend you're not that bothered? What if he gets fed up of chasing you and decides to stop?

Jurgen Klopp

There is also the fact that in the beginning being all hyper and excited you'll send big long messages.

It tends to grate after a while typing out big long texts regardless of how much you like someone

Even if i loved a girl it would wreck my head, I'd be burned of it typing out long texts

Big Bag of Chips

MissM123 wrote: »

Maybe I am just over reacting and actions speak louder than words?

They sure do, and your actions (over reaction) is telling him you're not that bothered about being in a relationship with him and it's all just an ego game to you to have him chase you.

Ursus Horribilis

So why did you split up and why does he have ground to make up? And secondly, why did you sit back and ignore all this "huge effort" he put into the texts and the day out? It's almost as if you're expecting him to grovel in order to earn brownie points. I don't know what sort of relationship experience you have but that's no way to treat anybody! Not a friend, not a family member, not a boyfriend.

bmwguy

This is game playing and wanting an ego stroked on your behalf. Nothing more nothing less. He will get tired of it soon.

retro:electro

Sorry but you sound like hard work. He has sent you long affectionate messages and you've ignored them but you still want him to continue? He has this thing called self respect you know. If you broke up and decided to get back together, making him grovel for you is pathetic. You're either together or you're not. Long and in depth messages of lovey dovey nature naturally filter off after some amount of time- to expect him to keep professing his love for you day after day is exhausting to say the least, especially when you're ignoring them.Total princess behaviour and a major turn off.

Airyfairy12

How old are you? He's not your lap dog. Either show him a bit of respect and stop playing stupid head games or break up with him.

groovyg

Communication by long texts !! Jesus wept can you not actually do this by talking to each other over the phone, or FaceTime or Skype

Big Bag of Chips

Just as a matter of interest, what was the plan? How long were you going to let him make up this ground you were talking of? The lovey dovey messages stopped 3 weeks ago, and you thought fair enough you were settling in and getting comfortable with each other yet just 1 week later you have a massive row and he ends it? Then you meet, agree to get back together but then play some weird game of getting him to "make up ground" yet you ignore his attempts at doing what you asked him to do?

I hope you're 15 at most. And you think this is the way relationships are supposed to be. All going great, then first row he breaks it off with you. Then you take him back but make him work for it... Because all that would be understandable from inexperienced school kids. It's the age where you make your mistakes and act like a prat in relationships. But it's also when you learn that big dramatic ultimatums and childish games and stuff like that only really happen on telly. They don't work in real life because people just get fed up of being treated like an eejit.

MissM123

Thanks to everyone for all the abuse yer a sound bunch but also thank to everyone with contructive advice. So to clear things up. I didn't break up with him he did and then asked me to get back together. He didn't send me a long loving message after we got back together but he was trying to be normal but I guess I was angry and ignored his attempt. We spoke about it monday and Tuesday that we should forget everything and try get back to normal so last night I put in a massive effort with him by text and asked him to meet tonight, my efforts of being like before were ignored but he did agree to meet up. I just don't know am I being silly and this is the way communication through text ends up in a relationship or is there something wrong here?

Big Bag of Chips

You're both being silly and playing the same games with each other. He tries to act normal, you ignore him. Then you try to act normal he ignores you. Everything seems to be texts. To answer your question, no, this is not how relationships are meant to be.

Are you both old enough to be in a relationship?

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think it's a question of them being both old enough to be in a relationship. The immaturity on display here makes me think this is doomed, no matter who does what next.

elefant

What is a 'massive effort by text'?

This whole thing sounds ridiculous and very immature.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe it's my age but I'd much rather spend time with a boyfriend or talk to him on the phone than all this texting nonsense. Don't get me wrong, I think texts are great for many things. What they're not so wonderful for are for hashing out more complex issues. If I was required to write prose on a phone in order to keep my boyfriend happy, I'd tire of it before long. It also sounds like a relationship based on point scoring, neediness and a lack of basic respect for each other. Maybe they're better off staying split up.

If our OP want to save this relationship, the best thing to do is for the two of them to meet and agree to let bygones be bygones. There has to be a clean slate and a change in the way they communicate if this is to have any hope.

ManOfMystery

Thanks to everyone for all the abuse

No-one gave you any abuse whatsoever. Abuse is not tolerated in the slightest by the moderators in Personal Issues. What people have done is pointed out that there your behaviour (and his, to a degree) is not conducive to maintaining a mature and happy relationship.

Long, lovey dovey texts are fine in the beginning of a relationship, if you're a teenager, but I don't know of anyone who could sustain that for months on end. It would be exhausting, and also monotonous. Asides from that, you are also sending mixed signals with your behaviour, expecting him to be a mind reader and then complaining when he isn't. A text isn't a symbol of how your relationship is progressing; how you get on in person is.

If you're 16 or under, take this as sound advice which will stand you well in future : this isn't how you should act in a relationship. Mind games, manipulation and immaturity never did any relationship any good, ever - if you don't believe me, spend a few hours reading the hundreds of old relationship threads in here and enlighten yourself.

If you're over 16 - I despair.

timmy880

If you're having to judge the whole state of a relationship based around effort levels of texting then I hope neither of ye are adults.

Big Bag of Chips

MissM123 wrote: »

I just don't know am I being silly and this is the way communication through text ends up in a relationship or is there something wrong here?

You'd probably be shocked to find that communication through texts between long standing couples usually goes like this:

"What time are you home?"
"4"
"Will you get milk?"
"Ok"

Whispered

OP - texts are not "effort". They're really not. Making time to see each other, being there when you need each other, having fun together. That's what counts. You are both appearing to be very very young here so maybe that's something you will agree with in time. It's like the couples who plaster themselves all over facebook to "prove" how in love they are. It's superficial nonsense and doesn't count for anything when you need a real partner. (That's not to say those couples aren't in love btw, just that their social media interaction, or in your case text interaction, proves nothing in the real world.)

retro:electro

Thanks for the abuse? You sound really immature. Here's some advice, quit texting and pick up the phone and call him.

dudara

@anna080 - you have been warned before for your posting style. Please reign it in or we'll have to take action

dudara

Neyite

It sounds like it's symptomatic of the relationship - it's not the texts. It's the fact that only a mere few months in, you are already having arguments, ill-feeling, miscommunication and have been dumped. That's a LOT of drama for only a few months in.

But generally though, after the first falling in love stage, things do tend to settle down a bit. And that would be normal enough at the 3 month mark that the constant texting eases a bit, but I think that because you got dumped a couple of weeks ago is colouring your view on it - quite understandably in a way. You aren't feeling the love and affection because even if he sent you love sonnets on the hour, what's being said isn't enough if you aren't feeling the feelings.

Have you dealt with the argument? Are you happy with the explanation or could be that there residual resentment for the hurt he caused you by dumping you or a fear that he'll dump you again the next time things get hairy? Those things could be feeding into your insecurity about his texts.

MissM123

Neyite wrote: »

It sounds like it's symptomatic of the relationship - it's not the texts. It's the fact that only a mere few months in, you are already having arguments, ill-feeling, miscommunication and have been dumped. That's a LOT of drama for only a few months in.

But generally though, after the first falling in love stage, things do tend to settle down a bit. And that would be normal enough at the 3 month mark that the constant texting eases a bit, but I think that because you got dumped a couple of weeks ago is colouring your view on it - quite understandably in a way. You aren't feeling the love and affection because even if he sent you love sonnets on the hour, what's being said isn't enough if you aren't feeling the feelings.

Have you dealt with the argument? Are you happy with the explanation or could be that there residual resentment for the hurt he caused you by dumping you or a fear that he'll dump you again the next time things get hairy? Those things could be feeding into your insecurity about his texts.

To be honest you've hit the nail on the head there, the break up itself has been explained and I can completely understand why it happend. I agree with the fact that I was feeling angry about it for a few days and now I'm ready to let go of the anger and move on. We agreed to meet up for a chat tonight to get everything off our chests, if we can come up with a solution then brilliant but if not then I'm going to call it a day. As for the 3 month settling down thing,that's what I was thinking but I wasn't sure as I haven't started a relationship in 4 years before this so I wasn't quiet sure. Thank you for your reply at least some people are being helpful and not judging me.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope you work it out with this guy and that you can wipe the slate clean. Can I make an observation though. You graduated towards the advice you liked and dismissed the rest as abuse/judgement. That's your choice of course as not all advice is good or will work for you. But, I hope you can at least accept that your behaviour played a large part in this. These silly tests, ignored texts, talk of making up ground and making an effort all paint you in a very poor light. When I read posts here, I try to put myself in the other person's shoes and see the situation in the way they might. Can you you not even understand how ignored texts would be perceived by him? If I planned a day out for a fella and was trying to get things back on track, I'd see the lack of acknowledgement as a two fingered salute. I don't know what you were playing at but it wasn't a nice thing to do.

freshpopcorn

You've always to be careful with texts OP. Long lovely dovey texts can be easily be gotten of the net and changed to suit you or the sender can have help writing them.