Confused - help

supersonic94 · 29-03-2017 11:32am #1

So a good friend of mine has been seeing this girl on and off for the last year or maybe more. They have never actually been in a relationship but more "friends with benefits". He has no intention of getting into a relationship with her either.

Anyway, over the past 2 or 3 months, I've gotten to know this girl better and think I fancy her and I've a feeling she feels the same (but I could also just be reading the signs wrong). I want to ask her out but I dont know how she or my friend would react.

Its been bothering me the last few weeks and Im unsure what to do. Any advice would be great! Thanks.

eoinzy2000 · 29-03-2017 11:49am

There is no confusion here. 'Good friend' says it all. Steer clear

Teddington Cuddlesworth · 29-03-2017 11:52am

If he's a good friend then stay clear of her.

If you really want to pursue her ask him how he's getting on with her, bring it up in causal conversation.
It may be that he does have feelings for her but there is something that is stopping them from becoming a couple.

LegacyUser · 29-03-2017 4:00pm

I mean this in the nicest possible way - go and find your own girlfriend, for everyone's good.

pilly · 29-03-2017 4:25pm

Stay well clear if he really is your good friend.

HiGlo · 29-03-2017 5:51pm

I don't get this mentality. People don't own other people. You don't get "dibs" on them. I absolutely get the whole "girl/boy code" thing, but in my opinion that's pliable, not concrete. Certainly wouldn't be encouraging people to go there with significant ex's of friends or whatever, but I think these things depends on context/situation.

Only the OP knows the actual context of this interaction. Maybe suss out from your friend the true and full extent of where his head is at with her. Make your judgement from that.

If the OP thinks there's a genuine connection there with him and this girl then he should be fully sure that he wants to pursue a relationship and maybe talk to his mate. If it's a case that he's really only in it for the shag he might not be too bothered that his friend is genuinely interested.

In my opinion it's a bit selfish and bitter to deny a friend the chance of a great relationship - particularly if there's no emotional investment on your part.

I'm def not the only one who thinks like this as one girl I know dated a guy and then ended up marrying his brother. And another girl I know dated 2 friends. A friend of mine had been dating a guy for a bit but things didn't work out. As time progressed me and him got close so I asked her if it was ok and she had no problem so I went for it with him....

In my opinion it's not always black and white on this. There is of course situations where this is a def no no, but it's not an across the board thing I don't think. There are also particular ways to handle these things.

ShaShaBear · 29-03-2017 7:44pm

Good friend = steer clear. Besides, could you really date a girl who is sleeping with you and your good friend at the same time?

supersonic94 · 29-03-2017 8:05pm

Thanks for all the replies. I think HiGlo hit the nail on the head. That's the situation I'm trying to explain. I think I've got my head screwed on pretty well, I'm not going to do anything without speaking to my friend first and I've a feeling he wont particularly care tbh.

Anyway, I'll have to wait and see..

mapaca · 30-03-2017 9:00am

You haven't gone into detail about why you think she might fancy you back, but just bear in mind that she may just be friendly towards you because you are his good mate. Anyway, it wouldn't be a good idea to make a move while they're still involved. Has she any nice single friends she could introduce you to?

Wanderer78 · 30-03-2017 9:06am

Runaway, runaway!

Bandana boy · 07-04-2017 10:26am

HiGlo wrote: »

I'm def not the only one who thinks like this as one girl I know dated a guy and then ended up marrying his brother.

That is pretty gross , can you imagine a row and comments about who was better in Bed etc coming out

OP my take is there are several million other girls out there , why risk a friendship go find somebody else.

Can you imagine the grief is she was only being friendly and rejected your advance and went and told your mate

leggo · 10-04-2017 9:33am

There are 3 BILLION women on the planet OP. Not having a go, but are times really that tough in that the only girl you can meet and form a connection with is currently sleeping with your mate? Like women come and go, but in life (especially as you get older) good friends who'll stand the test of time are rare and you'll want to keep the ones you have. Risking losing a friend for a woman is never a good solution, ever, especially if you don't need to.

I mean, not only that, but if she was that into you in that she saw a future relationship etc, she'd knock the casual thing with your friend on the head. She's not doing that. In fact, if there's any substance to the vibes that you're picking up on, it sounds like she's sleeping with one friend while making eyes with another, giving you every indication that this girl is potential trouble! So the connection you think you have is overwhelmed by the big blatant warning sign you're missing that this girl has no issues sending out mixed signals between a group of friends (damn the consequences) and doesn't see you as serious or respect you enough to stop sleeping with your friend for you.

Another factor: you do realise if it's a casual deal with your friends and that she's sending out vibes to you, there's every chance that maybe she wants more from the friend (regardless of what she says) and is using you to make him jealous? Like there's more evidence of that than her liking you. Again, if she liked you that much, she'd stop sleeping with your friend.

I'm sure you've had some lovely conversations and whatnot with her, and that everything she says about herself indicates she's a stand-up person who would never be like this, but then her actions go and do that thing of contradicting ALL of that. Run. Avoid. Do not pursue. If times are so hard that you're willing to ignore all of these warning signs, lose a friend (I'd think about dropping you if I was the mate the second you brought this up tbh) and all advice to the contrary (as you've done here), use that as motivation to better yourself and become a person more people would want to be with and, when you're on the other side with a bit more experience and seasoning that'd lead you to be able to spot the warning signs for yourself, you'll thank god you didn't go there. Or go for it, lose the friend and end up back here in a few months posting "Why is this relationship not working?" because you ignored the warning signs. Your call.

Confused - help

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