Lonely and scared about possibility of spending future on my own

LegacyUser

Hi all. I will try to keep this short but maybe someone here has been in the same position as me or can offer some advice. It is difficult for me to write this post as nobody wants to admit to being lonely, even though I have lots of friends and a pretty good life in many ways.
I'm 29 year old girl with lots going for me, I'm told. My friends would describe me as bubbly, outgoing ad chatty and in many ways this is true. The trouble is I feel that I am living a lie the last while and nobody really knows the real me.
Just a bit of background that may be significant. My childhood wasn't exactly straightforward. My mother has an undiagnosed mental illness and made life pretty difficult growing up. I have one brother seven years older and I know it affected him also. I had self-esteem and confidence issues and probably still do. I have probably developed more of an anger or resentment towards the childhood I never had. I remember as a 13/14 year old girl when my Mam was being really difficult and insulting, I vowed to myself that when I was older and had children of my own that I was going to be different and that they wouldn't spend their childhood feeling like me.

Relationship wise there hasn't been much success. My longest relationship has been for 8 months and while he was a really nice guy in many ways, I didn't feel the way I should and I don't think he was ever really commited to me. I took a year off dating and guys as to be honest I was just jaded. I would be chatted up/asked out by men pretty regularly but after between three and six dates, the contact would drop off, they would go cold, I'd ask what was going on and inevitably things would end. I decided to give dating a better chance at the beginning of this year and two weeks ago the same scenario came about and after having four really nice dates with someone, he went cold, dragged out the fact that he wasn't feeling it for three weeks until I ended it.

I guess why I'm posting here is that I genuinely feel so lonely and a bit scared for my future if this is to be my life. For as long as I can remember I have wanted marriage and children. Even the marriage thing isn't a dealbreaker for me if I met someone who wasn't that into it, I could definitely compromise. I do things on my own-hiking, driving to scenic places to take photos. I am into sport, music and keeping fit. I just feel tired of doing all of these things on my own. I see all my friends coupled up, engaged and planning lives with their partners. I am so happy for them but there is a bigger part of me that gets more upset with each engagement. My best friend recently noticed that I wasn't myself and I confided in her. I told her what I've written here and that I couldn't shake the feeling of being so alone. I felt I was alone during my childhood, when anything went wrong in my life I never had the parental support others do. I've gone to numerous weddings on my own and have tried to spend nights away in a hotel on my own as I'd been feeling if this is the way my life will turn out, I'd need to get used to it. The same friend invited me to spend St Patricks Day with her but it turned out to be with her brother, and his wife and kids and her boyfriend. I was really grateful that she was so kind and included me but then I ended up feeling so down once I left, as again I was spending the day with a happy family and looking at all the couples and families around left me so disheartened.

I just feel like I'm sad/angry over the childhood I never had. I'm lonely and annoyed with the fact that I seem to be feeling alone all the time and I'm scared for my future if this is what my life is to be and if I can't shake this feeling. I am aware that this probably comes across as an incredibly selfish post and very woe is me but I just can't seem to shake the feeling. I don't want to spend the year of my 30th birthday feeling like this but I don't know how to get over it. Thanks for reading.

zoobizoo

whatstocome wrote: »

I had self-esteem and confidence issues and probably still do. I have probably developed more of an anger or resentment towards the childhood I never had.


I do things on my own-hiking, driving to scenic places to take photos. I am into sport, music and keeping fit. I just feel tired of doing all of these things on my own. . . .

In response to the first part, go talk to a decent therapist.

In relation to part two, start doing the things you love doing with other people. There are hiking groups (people of all ages) and there are camera clubs (again, people of all ages).

You say you're sporty, so why not join sports clubs where you have to engage with people you don't know. The club I'm a member of, I'd say there have been minimum of 10 couples / weddings through it.

When my friends all started coupling up, I could either be gooseberry / bachelor friend or I could forge a new bunch of friendships. There are so many people in the same boat as you looking for new friendships, people to do stuff with and if that leads to something else then great.

santana75

Could it be OP that you keep selecting unavailable men? Not consciously of course but somewhere inside you make certain choices with regards to the guys you are attracted to and they are the ones who'll be flakey. Sounds like you endured a good bit of childhood trauma and never recieved the love and attunment children need, especially unconditional love. People from secure families have a 6th sense about flakiness and just seem to instinctively avoid anyone like that and select other securely attached people. Your job is to find someone who did come from secure attachment and not someone whos is an avoider whos flakey. Maybe there wont be fireworks initially. In fact there wont be, but you should keep an eye out for the warning signs. Theyre usually very enthusiastic initally and say all the right things but listen to your intuition, it knows BS when it hears it, even if its wrapped up in a nice package.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

whatstocome wrote: »

I feel that I am living a lie the last while and nobody really knows the real me.

whatstocome wrote: »

Relationship wise there hasn't been much success. My longest relationship has been for 8 months and while he was a really nice guy in many ways, I didn't feel the way I should and I don't think he was ever really commited to me. I took a year off dating and guys as to be honest I was just jaded. I would be chatted up/asked out by men pretty regularly but after between three and six dates, the contact would drop off, they would go cold, I'd ask what was going on and inevitably things would end. I decided to give dating a better chance at the beginning of this year and two weeks ago the same scenario came about and after having four really nice dates with someone, he went cold, dragged out the fact that he wasn't feeling it for three weeks until I ended it.

You seem to have missed the connection between these things. If fellas are interested enough to hang around for three to six dates, they'd like to feel something is developing, some trust, some intimacy, understanding, a relationship, not holding everything back.
You say a few things there about what they are doing, but there seems to be no insight into the fact that you are the common factor in all your relationships, same as the rest of us. You have to start with that and you can change that. In fact, if it's not working, you have to change it.

As evidence of your lack of insight, look at this "I didn't feel the way I should and I don't think he was ever really commited to me". Well why on Earth would he be committed to you if you didn't "feel the way (you) should"? You wanted commitment up front in spite of not feeling enough for him. That's a recipe for disaster, you're asking him to commit in three to six dates, which is unrealistic in itself, but also asking him to commit to an unknown quantity. Unless you're dating fools, it's no surprise they're not hanging around. In fact, you are luckier than a lot of people you find on this board who did commit in spite of warning signs and no find themselves stuck in bad situations. Your approach so far is a template for continued disaster if you don't change it. If you want to bring someone else into a relationship, you have to be in it with him.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks a million for all the replies. Santana75, there's definitely something in what you said about subconsciously selecting unavailable men. When I think back over it, I have shared more of the true me with guys I knew deep down weren't for me. These were really nice guys that would have been very interested in me and even when things would end after the 5 or 6 dates, they would have kept in contact. I actually was quite friendly with one guy and I told him a bit about my past and my non existent relationship with my parents. He was so kind about it all but I just knew deep down the attraction wasn't there on my part and it would have been unfair of me to continue the relationship.
I've met three guys in my life that I felt a real attraction to. Like where you know the minute you see them that you fancy them, that spark etc is there and you seem to be on the same page. I have never ever told any of these three guys about anything in my past. I was seeing one for almost four months before he ended it due to having commitment issues but even with him, I was never able to or wanted to tell him anything about my past.
I don't know why this is but it has certainly been the case. I have found it easier to open up to guys that I knew there was no future with rather than guys who I really liked in lots of different ways.
I am actually looking into going to a counsellor at the moment as I feel I can't go on the way I am. I am more of a spectator when it comes to sport so I enjoy the watching and going to matches but not playing so much. I am in a running club but haven't been able to go in 6 months as I injured my knee and am possibly going for an operation. It's not that I'm not independent but I a tired of doing things on my own. The issue of never being able to open up to guys I really like never actually dawned on me until I read your post Santana75 so thats a perspective that's new to me.