Ex boyfriend doesn't want to meet up

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Just looking for a little bit of advice.

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend last year (breakup spontaneously instigated by me due to a personal issue I was having, which I very very much regret) and we haven't spoken much since.

I really struggled with regret/missing him in the aftermath, but tried my best to keep going with life. Went on some dates to try to distract myself, nothing progressed to a second date due to me constantly comparing them (in my head!) to my ex, and feeling that none of them could hold a torch to him whatsoever. I stopped dating because it wasn't fair to the guys, when I was still so hung up on my ex.

A few weeks ago I messaged my ex to wish him a happy birthday. I asked him if he'd like to meet up sometime to catch up and he said yes. I was absolutely delighted by this and spent the next few days on cloud nine at the idea of seeing him again, thinking about all the things I wanted to say. Then he messaged me a week later to say he changed his mind, he didn't want to meet up after all because he didn't see anything good coming from it.

His reaction is COMPLETELY fair and if that's the way he feels then cancelling was the right thing to do - he obviously doesn't feel the same way I do (and I don't blame him!) and doesn't have any interest in keeping contact.

I will definitely not be pressing him further on this, I won't message him again or anything. The only problem is that I CAN'T stop thinking about him. The pain feels as raw and and as fresh as it did way back when it happened, even though it's been ages. I feel heartbroken and completely gutted and all those other irrational feelings. I keep stupidly hoping he's going to message me saying he's changed his mind, which I know he isn't.

Does anyone have any advice for moving on? Don't worry, I am FULLY aware that it's over and that he wants to be left alone and I won't be contacting him, I want him to be happy.

I just need help to personally move on from this because it all feels so raw and painful and all-consuming at the moment. Is time really the only healer?

Thank you.

Merkin

I think if your feelings are genuine then you need to write him a letter and spill your heart out.

Dave0301

Merkin wrote: »

I think if your feelings are genuine then you need to write him a letter and spill your heart out.

Or maybe just respect his wish to be left alone after dumping him out of the blue?

lawred2

He may be with someone else who has asked him not to meet you.. Might explain the change of heart.

Rachiee

Its really a blessing he cancelled as you were putting way too much into the meeting. He's right nothing good would have come from it, you would have ended up even more hung up on him and reading into things that arent there.
In terms of getting over him I know it feels like you should be there and youre not but thats fine there's no hard and fast rule that if you are not over someone after a specific period of time it means you need to get back together or turn into a bitter spinster, your feelings are your feelings, acknowledge them but dont let them control you, you'll get there eventually. But you should absolutely go no contact at all.

December2012

Look it's just possible that he would get back with you. Is that what you want? If it's not, then leave him alone. If it is, then you might consider contacting him again.

If I were him, I wouldn't want to be back with the OP. They have shown a history of breaking up on a whim. It would make me think that it would just happen again.

Airyfairy12

Could you tell him how you feel? that fact that he changed his mind about meeting you makes me think that he still has feelings for you and didnt want to open up old wounds. If theres a chance for you to be back together then why not try? Its not like you cheated on him or anything, you were just going through some stuff and made a decision without thinking it through, I think anyone could forgive that.
Worst case scenario he'll say hes not interested, it'll hurt but maybe it would be the closure you need to move on, on the other hand he might be open to getting close to you again, I know couples who got back together after a year or two of separation, sometimes people need that space to realise how much they want to be with each other.

Call me Al

Honestly I think you've nothing to lose at this stage. I think if I were you and I hadn't told him how I was feeling/thinking I'd have to give it one last shot before I could start trying to get over things fully.

I think I'd tell him I respected how he felt and that I understood where he was coming from. But I'd also say how the decision to break up was something I'd thought about ever since and that I'd come to regret it terribly. That I was sorry for what you'd done to him.
After that I'd say that if I never heard from him again that you understood fully why, and that you wished him well for his future. And I think i'd be ready emotionally to not hear from him again after that with no regrets.
And after that I'd start to put my life back together. I would start dating again. Maybe take a holiday with some good friends if they were free. I'd try to fill my time with productive things and positive people as much as possible.

Skibunny77

Op I absolutely agree with Call me Al's advice. Good luck..

pwurple

Leave the fella be anyway, no need to drag into your stuff. I wouldn't write any letter or call hin. He has said enough is enough.
It's a love that you've lost. Turn on some Adele songs and mope about for a bit until it's all out of your system.  Chalk it down to experience. Have you any creative vent? Heartbreak is good creative fodder. Write about it for your autobiography / album / book of poetry some day. Sorry it's happened to you.

amtc

Write the message. Leave it for a few days. Then figure out if you need to send it. Modern equivalent of burning it.

My view is regret what you did do not what you didn't do.

osarusan

Merkin wrote: »

I think if your feelings are genuine then you need to write him a letter and spill your heart out.

OP said they won't be contacting him, and just want advice about moving on.

All I can say to the OP is just try as much as possible to make yourself busy with other stuff. Yes, it will take time, but yes, you will get over it.

JackTaylorFan

I think he made it clear he doesn't want to meet you again. Accept this and try move on. If you find yourself cyber stalking him on social media - block him for your own good. Maybe write a poem about unrequited love - but it sounds like you two are done. If he really wanted you he would have contacted you again. Cut ties, OP, and file him under the 'What if?" pile.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone for the replies

Yes, I would 100% get back together with him if he wanted to. I'm not looking to mess him around or anything, I'd be very serious about it. I've been thinking about it since it happened.

There wasn't any "messiness" surrounding the breakup - no cheating, no fighting, nothing like that. It was just that I was going through depression and I didn't confide in him about it, and ended up breaking up with him as a result of how I was feeling. Still, it was the wrong thing to do and I'll have to live with the consequences.

I don't think I'll be messaging him again, even though the suggestions to write to him are lovely. I think he's made it clear he doesn't want me in his life anymore and (contrary to my username!) I don't wanna be a psycho, pushing at him repeatedly. I've caused him enough pain as it is, and for all I know, he could have a new girlfriend.

I'll be taking on mind the tips about using it as creative inspiration, going on holidays with friends, etc So thank you.

santana75

You sound like a classic Avoidant attachment style OP. When you have someone you dont appreciate them and see only their flaws. But when their gone you'll pine for them and regret your mistake in letting them go. Theres a book called "Attached" which explains it all. Well worth reading.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

JackTaylorFan

santana75 wrote: »

You sound like a classic Avoidant attachment style OP. When you have someone you dont appreciate them and see only their flaws. But when their gone you'll pine for them and regret your mistake in letting them go. Theres a book called "Attached" which explains it all. Well worth reading.

I think your armchair psychoanalysis of the situation makes for dangerous reading in the wrong person's thoughts.

davmol

Never live life with 'what ifs'.
If you really want him back ,arrange to meet up with him and tell him your feelings.Lay it all out on the line.
If he rejects,you have closure and know you will have to get on with things rather than wondering what would have happened,in some cases this can be torturous.
If you are not 100% sure you want him back,then leave him alone.

LegacyUser

santana75 wrote: »

You sound like a classic Avoidant attachment style OP. When you have someone you dont appreciate them and see only their flaws. But when their gone you'll pine for them and regret your mistake in letting them go. Theres a book called "Attached" which explains it all. Well worth reading.

With all due respect, I dunno if I'm gonna start diagnosing myself based on ONE isolated incident... It's not a pattern. It was a ****ty thing to do and I regret it, but it was a once-off.

Thanks everyone. I think I'll set myself a time-frame... maybe one month, three months, something like that - where I do nothing, and if I still feel this hurt and regret after that time, I'll consider writing a letter. I really don't want to do anything rash, or make it seem like I'm not giving him space... And I guess there's a tiny part of me hoping he might reach out to me within that timeframe too.

Appreciate all the replies

Little CuChulainn

To be fair, he may not know your intentions. He might want to get back with you but think you merely want to be friends so doesn't want to put himself through spending time with you only to be disappointed.

bd2012

Just to add, having been at the receiving end of a 'spontaneous break up' myself, he might actually appreciate knowing the reasons behind it if nothing else.

Walter H Price

Merkin wrote: »

I think if your feelings are genuine then you need to write him a letter and spill your heart out.

Terrible idea

OP you've blown it by the look of it , i have never given any ex a second chance or stayed friends after a break up and it sounds like your ex is in the mind set. You ended things so i can totally see his point hes probably already moved on maybe it hurt him the first time and he doesn't want to go through all that again digging up old feelings and that.Think you were dead on in your own assessment that its best to just leave your ex alone now, nothing worse then a clingy ex tbh I've had it once or twice just ended in me totally ghosting them.

Id just accept it if i was you, that its done 100% over and move on, stop comparing new dates to your ex for a start.