My Boyfriend Looks up his Ex on Facebook?

Ginger Flamingo

My boyfriend and I have been going out for seven months now, and we have a very happy relationship. A few months before we began dating, his girlfriend of five and a half years broke up with him. Their relationship was far from perfect, and none of his friends and family were ever too keen about her (his granny flat out disliked her and told him, WHY would you ignore your grandmother). He told me that it was never meant to last, and that he feels far more content with me. However, the other night we were on his Facebook page and he clicked on his searches, and she was the most recent. It's made me really paranoid that he hasn't fully moved on if he's looking at her page. I'm torn as whether or not to ask him in a non - confrontational way about it, or to forget about it. I completely trust him, but I was so shocked seeing as most things he ever says about their relationship are negative. I don't want to be one of those clingy annoying girls who nags their boyfriend, but it's totally eating me up inside.... Please help!

Jurgen Klopp

It's hard to know.

I'm a man and i often look up old flames, but it's 100% being nosey so maybe he's the same.

professore

Wouldn't worry about it - i still look up exes i haven't seen in 20 years because I'm nosey
... Nothing to do with pining away for them.

What will he think if he finds out you're snooping on his Facebook?

ShaShaBear

It's a totally normal thing to snoop on ex-people on Facebook. Ex-lovers, ex-partners, ex-friends etc. It's the innate desire amidst boredom to see how their life has been panning out, and sometimes to make sure you're not being slandered to high hell :P
One of my husband's most recent searches is his ex, they were together 6 years. He wanted a caricature of our two daughters done for Mother's Day as a gift to me and he couldn't remember the name of the girl that did them, but knew his ex was friends with her so looked her up that way.
It could very well be totally harmless and if you were both sitting at the screen when he clicked in, he's likely as mortified as you are. But after 7 months, you should be able to sit him down and tell him it surprised you to see him checking up on her (he's obviously only going to tell you about the bad parts of a relationship, as no decent partner is going to blather on about how great their ex was!) and let him explain. Either you're happy with his answer, or not

Ursus Horribilis

I've looked up my exes too but only out of pure, unadulterated nosiness! Never because I was still holding a torch for any of them. It's not something I do on a regular basis though. More a thought that'll cross my mind once in a blue moon and I'll wonder what such a guy is doing now.

Thing is, none of us can say for sure why your boyfriend looked his ex up. It could be perfectly innocent or there cold be something more to it. I think for now you should hold your fire and say nothing. See how he's behaving over the longer term and then made a judgement call on what to do/say next. Not everyone'll agree here but if the pair of you share a laptop and he's not good at cleaning out his history, you might get a better idea of how often he visits.

leggo

Yeah just to add to what everyone else is saying. Sometimes something will pop into my head about an old ex and I'll get wondering how they turned out, sometimes it'll even turn to me 'doing the rounds' and checking all of them (that I'm still friends with), so to speak.

They say that it takes half the time you were with someone to fully get over them. I've found that's a decent rule of thumb from experience. However, having said that, 'getting over someone' is different to still wanting to be with them. You can still be processing what went wrong in a relationship, did you do anything that you could improve on in the future, working through the complex feelings that come from one day having your life tied to them (including their family etc) and the next having to detach all of that...it's a complicated process and even if you're still somewhat in it, it doesn't mean that you can't start something fresh. There are millions of couples out there who worked out off the back of a failed relationship on one (or both) sides.

The only question you need to ask yourself is if he seems to be able to function and be present within this relationship. And it sounds like he does if everything was going swimmingly until this and this was a complete shock. If he seemed bitter and in a bad headspace about relationships in general, if he was prone to sabotage etc, those are all warning signs that someone isn't over their ex and ready for something new. But if you're seeing none of that, then you're fine, and getting further into this rabbithole will only create problems for the two of you.

Bambi985

I'm gonna go against the crowd here and say that a few months out of a 5 and a half year relationship is no time at all to be in a new one, especially when you're not the one that did the breaking up. And all the super-defensive stuff about none of his family and friends liking her and even his granny not caring for her - sounds, well, a bit too defensive to be healthy. Who cares, like? She should be totally irrelevant to him and to your relationship with him. The only time I've ever harped on about an ex like that is when there were still feelings there. Often bitter, angry ones. But feelings nonetheless.

So yeah. It may be a bit of nosy snooping that we're all prone to, but given the timeline of events, he may not be over her. It was a long-term relationship and it doesn't sound like he had much time to get over her before meeting you.

Mongfinder General

I look up my exes all the time on facebook. When I do this I've usually a horn on me that would beat a donkey out of a quarry.

cactusgal

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'm gonna go against the crowd here and say that a few months out of a 5 and a half year relationship is no time at all to be in a new one, especially when you're not the one that did the breaking up. And all the super-defensive stuff about none of his family and friends liking her and even his granny not caring for her - sounds, well, a bit too defensive to be healthy. Who cares, like? She should be totally irrelevant to him and to your relationship with him. The only time I've ever harped on about an ex like that is when there were still feelings there. Often bitter, angry ones. But feelings nonetheless.

So yeah. It may be a bit of nosy snooping that we're all prone to, but given the timeline of events, he may not be over her. It was a long-term relationship and it doesn't sound like he had much time to get over her before meeting you.

I've got to agree with this one, sorry OP Like, who cares what his granny thought of her? It should be in the past, but he's not long out of the relationship, so it sounds like there are residual feelings/issues still there.

Ursus Horribilis

Bambi985 wrote: »

...but given the timeline of events, he may not be over her. It was a long-term relationship and it doesn't sound like he had much time to get over her before meeting you.

That makes a lot of sense now that you mention it. Also, even though he says it wasn't meant to be and says negative things about his ex, he stayed with her for 5 and a half years! Maybe he'd still be with her if she hadn't broken up with him. There had to have been something about her and the relationship that kept him there for so long. Be careful is all I can advise.

Joeseph Balls

I'm obviously in the minority who dosnt look up ex's on social media

freshpopcorn

I'm lethal for looking people on Facebook even people I'd totally clash with, I've a terrible habit of just wondering to see how people are getting on from time to time.(Please note I do this the odd time)

Alf Veedersane

There is the possibility that he is just looking to see what's going on in her life without there be anything more to it.

It's a long time to be with someone where their life was a big part of yours. I don't think it would purely be nosiness either.

That's not to say he is definitely over her but I don't think it's a given that he isn't. But just because she ended it, it may have been a situation where ithe feeling was mutual at that point. Maybe he'd mentally checked out etc etc. It's not straightforward.

I would be inclined to err on the side of it not being relective of him having feelings for her still given that he seemed to open up his searches in front of you.

Ginger Flamingo

Okay so just to give a small backstory to their relationship without revealing too many details. Before my boyfriend and his ex had met she had tried to kill herself when a different guy dumped her, and my boyfriend was scared she'd do the same if he broke up with her. But had this not been the case, he said that he would have been the one to end things between them. I want to ask him about it but I'm so scared to lose him

Alf Veedersane

Ginger Flamingo wrote: »

Okay so just to give a small backstory to their relationship without revealing too many details. Before my boyfriend and his ex had met she had tried to kill herself when a different guy dumped her, and my boyfriend was scared she'd do the same if he broke up with her. But had this not been the case, he said that he would have been the one to end things between them. I want to ask him about it but I'm so scared to lose him

Have you any other reason to suspect he doesn't feel about you teh way he says he does?

Big Bag of Chips

Have you any exes? Or people you used to know? Have you ever looked them up? Have you ever clicked onto a 'suggested friend'?

Nobody here knows. All you can do is judge your bf on how he treats you and behaves around you. If you two we happy together them that's what matters. Just go with that for now. If you notice things a bit off between you, then you might have cause to worry. I spent last night Facebook searching a fella I was in school with because someone of the same name 'liked' something that a friend had posted. If my husband checked my log I had looked up 7 different 'John Smiths'!! He might think I was desperate to find this fella, who was a fine thing in his day. When all it was was being a but nosey, and I know having met this fella about 3 years ago that the years hadn't been kind!

Ginger Flamingo

Ginger Flamingo wrote: »

Okay so just to give a small backstory to their relationship without revealing too many details. Before my boyfriend and his ex had met she had tried to kill herself when a different guy dumped her, and my boyfriend was scared she'd do the same if he broke up with her. But had this not been the case, he said that he would have been the one to end things between them. I want to ask him about it but I'm so scared to lose him

This makes things a little different. If she has a history of mental health issues and even attempted suicide, then he might be looking her up to make sure everything is OK.

It doesn't necessarily mean he's pining for her, but that he feels protective of her a little.

Ginger Flamingo

No reason whatsoever. We genuinely make each other happy and have great chemistry. But maybe it's just because I've never seen the point of checking up on former flames on social media if you have someone new. Granted occasional nosiness creeps in, but I guess I had never been involved with anyone for the length of time he had been ;\

nikkibikki

Yeah he was probably just being nosey! I'm still friends with one of my exes on Facebook. It just fizzled out so no feelings there at all in that department. Another one I've blocked! He feckin stalked me for ages afterwards!

Ginger Flamingo

Ginger Flamingo wrote: »

No reason whatsoever. We genuinely make each other happy and have great chemistry. But maybe it's just because I've never seen the point of checking up on former flames on social media if you have someone new. Granted occasional nosiness creeps in, but I guess I had never been involved with anyone for the length of time he had been ;\

You've never been in a similar situation, so its a little different. At least not that we know of.

Airyfairy12

I do this too because im really nosey, I wouldnt look into it, I doubt it means anything.

Bambi985

Ginger Flamingo wrote: »

Okay so just to give a small backstory to their relationship without revealing too many details. Before my boyfriend and his ex had met she had tried to kill herself when a different guy dumped her, and my boyfriend was scared she'd do the same if he broke up with her. But had this not been the case, he said that he would have been the one to end things between them. I want to ask him about it but I'm so scared to lose him

That's a lot of information about your boyfriend's ex right there. I barely know the name of my OH's ex, she just never frequents our conversations except in a subsidiary "oh my ex Jenny did that once" etc kind of way, because why would she? She's his ex, she doesn't factor into his or our day-to-day, she's irrelevant.

TBH OP you seem to be an insecure wreck about your relationship and you seem to be trying hard to convince yourself that your boyfriend is over this woman and "would have dumped her except XYZ" and "all his family and friends hated her" etc etc. He seems to talk about her a lot so I'm not really surprised. If my boyfriend bleated on about his long-term girlfriend right before I came on the scene I'd probably feel the same. The fact that you feel you can't talk to him about any of it for fear of losing him says it all.

I'm sorry but if he's talking about her that much and in the way where it sounds like he's trying to convince HIMSELF that he's over her / and then he's on her facebook page every day then it really doesn't sound like he's over her. Just my 0.02

Alf Veedersane

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'm sorry but if he's talking about her that much and in the way where it sounds like he's trying to convince HIMSELF that he's over her / and then he's on her facebook page every day then it really doesn't sound like he's over her. Just my 0.02

Knowing some basic details that the OP has mentioned is something that could have been said in a short conversation so there's nothing to suggest he brings her up repeatedly.

Nor is there anything to suggest he looks at her Facebook page every day.

Bambi985

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Knowing some basic details that the OP has mentioned is something that could have been said in a short conversation so there's nothing to suggest he brings her up repeatedly.

Nor is there anything to suggest he looks at her Facebook page every day.

That none of his family or friends liked her? That his granny hated her? That the relationship was terrible and he was going to break up with her anyway? That she had been suicidal in a previous relationship? Sounds like more than a casual chin-wag over breakfast if you ask me.

I take your point though that sometimes exes can come up conversationally. I remember my boyfriend telling me about an Indian girl he was seeing and how much of a nightmare her family were because she was dating outside of her race. He mentioned it as part of a general conversation, I thought "jaysus that's mad Ted" and we both moved on. I didn't linger on his every word, freak out that he wasn't over her, check his facebook search history and then fear bringing her up with him again in case it turned out to be true that he wasn't over her and our relationship would be over.

That is pure unbridled insecurity right there and it exists for a reason. The timeline of events probably has something to do with it, her boyfriend got out of a very intense, complicated long-term relationship a wet week before hooking up with the OP. There are likely unresolved issues there.

Ursus Horribilis

While I don't think the information the OP has about the ex came about in one conversation, it doesn't necessarily mean he's talking about her constantly. We're into the realms of speculation here but maybe he told our OP about the old relationship as a way of unburdening about it. We can only go by the few bits of information the OP has given us but if the ex had mental health issues, it has to have taken a toll on the boyfriend.

Alf Veedersane

Bambi985 wrote: »

That none of his family or friends liked her? That his granny hated her? That the relationship was terrible and he was going to break up with her anyway? That she had been suicidal in a previous relationship? Sounds like more than a casual chin-wag over breakfast if you ask me.

I take your point though that sometimes exes can come up conversationally. I remember my boyfriend telling me about an Indian girl he was seeing and how much of a nightmare her family were because she was dating outside of her race. He mentioned it as part of a general conversation, I thought "jaysus that's mad Ted" and we both moved on. I didn't linger on his every word, freak out that he wasn't over her, check his facebook search history and then fear bringing her up with him again in case it turned out to be true that he wasn't over her and our relationship would be over.

That is pure unbridled insecurity right there and it exists for a reason. The timeline of events probably has something to do with it, her boyfriend got out of a very intense, complicated long-term relationship a wet week before hooking up with the OP. There are likely unresolved issues there.

If he's been in a relationship of over 5 years, of course it's likely to have been discussed at some point. Everything you listed in your first paragraph could still have been in the course of one conversation.

Maybe he gets that the OP is insecure and possibly overdoes it by saying how no one liked her.

The OP's boyfriend isn't necessarily the reason for her insecurity. There are lots of reasons someone may be insecure in a relationship and some are unrelated to the actual relationship. There are plenty of examples in this forum where someone's insecurity stems from self esteem issues or their own previous relationships, for example.

It's possible there are issues he has to work through but to be honest, I haven't read anything that would warrant ending the relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

I think if you've spent 5 years of your life with someone they're bound to come up in conversation! I'd think it more strange if she was never discussed. I often hear people saying that your partner's past is none of your business and shouldn't be discussed. That's crazy. So do you never talk about school, or friends, or summer holidays, or jobs etc they had before you? I'd think it incredibly weird to be with someone and to know nothing or speak of nothing that ever happened in their life prior to the day you met them. And if you can talk about school friends, why not talk about past girlfriends or boyfriends?

Knowing a few details about a 5 years relationship is hardly something to be suspicious about. And you've said that there's nothing else about him that makes you doubt your relationship, so concentrate on that.

leggo

Yeah I mean don't mention exes on first dates or anything, but they come up eventually. I'd ask someone about their exes after dating them a while when it came up naturally. I want to know their type and if I fit that or where we may differ, what went wrong, how their relationships usually end etc, all info that could be relevant to me and the current relationship in the future. I don't see knowing some stuff about an ex after 7 months together as any kind of red flag, it's perfectly natural.

Floppybits

Mongfinder General wrote: »

I look up my exes all the time on facebook. When I do this I've usually a horn on me that would beat a donkey out of a quarry.

I suppose that's one way to kill it.

OP I think most people get the urge to check up on an ex be it after 5 months, 5 years 20 years.  It can be something as simple as seeing an old school Facebook page and you look through to see if any ex's or old crushes are on there and what they look like and what they are doing.
I don't think your boyfriend is fully over her yet, maybe he is, I don't know but I know when I broke with a ex or 2 it took me a good while to get over them and there was no way that I was getting into a relationship again after a couple of months but that is just me, there are others who get over relationships quicker depending on how it ended I guess.

amtc

I looked up my ex of 10 years ago on Facebook recently. It was a short relationship and I really don't think about him. So why did I do it?

He has quite a common name and someone of that name was coming into work on my team for six months. I didn't want to be blindsided if it was him.

Looking him up on Linked in would've meant he would've seen I'd viewed his profile. Facebook doesn't. So I used that instead.

It was him and we're maintaining a polite distance.

Just another reason why someone might look at exs!

Honestly I wouldn't worry.

Ginger Flamingo

Thanks for all the very insightful replies! As ye can most definitely tell, I'm a very insecure person thanks to getting involved with immature guys for way too long. However, I try my best not to show it to my boyfriend who is honestly, an absolute gem compared to the men of my past. None of the information he told me about his past was ever told in one sitting, so I never get the impression that he's hung up over her. If a relationship is going sour for a while the way theirs did, I could see how someone could have time to accept the end, and therefore move on a bit faster than had it been a complete shock. I mean, he had looked up me just before he had looked up her, so I guess I shouldn't have been so hung up? Either way, what we have is so good, and he is genuinely, a fantastic guy.

Vicxas

I wonder too much about it OP, its pure curiosity.

I have no feelings for my Ex's, but i still look them up for time to time to see if they're still alive and kicking mostly.