Seem to be getting disproportionatley angry about things in a new relationship

Numberella

So this probably comes across as very pedantic and super childish , but I'd like some insight if you would...

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 months (I know it's babydays!) , we're both in our 20's and it's my 2nd relationship, his first, so we aren't fantastic people persons, and we still very much both behave like single people(we are both used to getting our ways 100% of the time). 

We were having sex the other night (sorry for the over share ) and he asked me to do stop and do " the other thing " I had no idea what that referred to, and asked him what he wanted. Again he proceeded with "the other thing", so I tried to do something different which wasn't right either. Clueless as to what he meant, and now feeling a fair bit vulnerable and insecure I stopped doing anything and at the stage of exasperation asked again what he wanted. He didnt know. I tried to continue on, but he decided we should stop.
He was now upset.

I immediately felt like the bad guy. I'd let my own sense of inadequacy spill over and let it come out in the form of annoyance, and as a result had upset him and spent the evening apologizing. 
I asked for him to talk to me about what had upset him and it was the fact that I was annoyed at him
Only in hindsight I still am annoyed. Because not for the first time, me feeling insecure or sad or angry has resulted in him being upset and me being the bad guy. 
I dont want to be a horrible person. 
We were doing something fun and I'd managed to ruin it essentially..
I like to think normally I'm pretty laid back, and I kinda let things "go" for a while (mild annoyances that aren't worth flipping the lid over), because I don't wanna sound like a constant nag, but I seem to end up just feeling like such a crazy person.

Was it normal for me to have been annoyed or was I in the wrong and if so:
How can I fix the issue of not letting things boil over without hurting his feelings or without turning into a constant nag? 
( sorry if this long and meandering)

osarusan

'The other thing' sounds like something that has happened before.

It's not hard to imagine a situation where a person would like their partner to voluntarily do a specific thing for them, but don't feel comfortable asking for it.

Is there any chance this is a similar thing? He's being indirect and hoping you'll get what he's on about...but doesn't want to say.


But it doesn't seem to be anybody's fault and not something for one person to get angry with the other over.

In general, try and hold back from apologising if you don't think you've done anything wrong. Discuss it sure, but don't accept blame just to make somebody else feel better.

If he literally kept saying "that thing" and refused to specify then started playing the victim because you didn't understand and got frustrated I'd be angry as well. I don't understand why you think you're the bad guy here. It's bizarre behaviour.
If he's uncomfortable saying something maybe he should say so

Loveinapril

Numberella wrote: »

We were having sex the other night (sorry for the over share ) and he asked me to do stop and do " the other thing " I had no idea what that referred to, and asked him what he wanted. Again he proceeded with "the other thing", so I tried to do something different which wasn't right either. Clueless as to what he meant, and now feeling a fair bit vulnerable and insecure I stopped doing anything and at the stage of exasperation asked again what he wanted. He didnt know. I tried to continue on, but he decided we should stop.
He was now upset.

So he kept asking you during sex to "do the other thing" but when you asked him what this meant he didn't know, then he got into a huff because you couldn't read his mind so stopped being intimate altogether? It sounds like he struggles with communication, then got frustrated with you because of it. As far as I can see, the only thing you did wrong was apologise for nothing you did wrong and then annoy him by continually asking what was going on with him. You need to have a chat about general communication and saying how you each feel. If you ask him if he is okay once and he answers/ does not answer, then leave it at that. You are not responsible for dragging his emotions out of him. Early relationships are difficult but one of the MAJOR things to get good at is how you communicate. Use clear direct phrases and questions like "It hurts me when.." "It confuses me when" or "When you say X what does that mean". You are both adults, start as you mean to go on.

Big Bag of Chips

I'd be wary of his reaction to you being upset about something. Because it seems you being upset will turn around to him being upset and you apologising for upsetting him by getting upset!

Communication is the key here. Without it you'll both just keep getting into sulks and not talking to each other. It doesn't just happen in a relationship though, and if it's something neither of you have ever really done before then it's going to be a learning experiences for you both.

Numberella

Thanks for the replies!
In general he is poor with communication(on all fronts) , which I have been trying very hard to get him over (you know the whole, tell me if you like this dislike that etc etc) 
I asked him to talk after the other night and he figured it probably wouldn't help anything. It tends to me pushing the conversation around.
And I do talk about sex outside of just being in the middle of it, I rather being prepared in my head for any new things than having them suggested and I've never thought about it-
I didnt mention it previously, but a similar situation occurred earlier in the week where in the middle of it he suggested we move from the bed to the chair, I agreed, quickly realized I wasn't doing it "right", panicked and got horribly upset, and he got upset at that aswell, adn again I felt like I'd just overreacted stupidly.
but I'd worry that he'll now be afraid to ask for what he wants, because it seems to end badly. 


I feel bad because I feel like I'm the one causing the problems, if you get me?

But having read all this actually written down and your replies, I think maybe working on communication is where the focus should lie and putting the sexual side of the relationship away for a little while might be a better idea?

racso1975

Well I can't put it away as in stop having sex if that's what you mean.

Sex is an very intimate and vulnerable act. You can be so self conscious over how you feel, look, your equipment 😃, if you think you are any good etc etc. Being able to communicate during sex is so important.

That said if you are having difficulty communicating outside of the bedroom that needs to be improved but not at the cost of another.

Out of interest when ye gave a couple of drinks does the guard go down and ye talk easier? Feel more comfortable around each other?

osarusan

You seem very quick to take responsibility for the sexual problems - quick to think you you are 'not doing it right' and that he is unhappy with you.

Is there any chance that he is just unhappy with the situation itself, or even his own role in how things are going wrong, rather than specifically your role in it?

It's not going to be much fun for either of you of you are both worried if it's going to be 'successful' or if the other partner is going to suddenly be upset about something.

Neyite

Why do you think you are doing things wrong? or that you misjudge and don't do it right? I think both of you contributed to this incident, but it kicked off with him being so vague.

Sex is about fun. It's about laughing off all manner of funny noises or squelches or passion-killer random cramps and carrying on. It seems to me that when he suggests something he's not clear what he wants, you panic or have an attack of self-doubt and it ruins it because both of you get annoyed and it spoils the mood.

He needs to communicate better to you what he likes and does not like. And if you don't understand, that he shows you instead of getting annoyed. You're not Mystic Meg.
You on your part have to stop taking it as a personal criticism that you are doing it 'wrong' when he suggests something and letting it ruin your mood with self doubt.

racso1975

Has this happened in other situations outside of the bedroom

Numberella

racso1975 wrote: »

Has this happened in other situations outside of the bedroom

If you mean the whole I get upset/angry express some form of emotion(Rational or otherwise) and he ends up being the one upset, then yes.
Up until recently I used to make occasional comments  about the fact  that he actively denied seeing me to friends (I had tried talking about it, and letting him know it upset me, but it didnt fix it and it's only starting to be resolved now. I did register after a while  it wasnt about me, just "his" issue) but it bothered me a lot which upset him, and just turned into something I bit my tongue over (I know it's silly, I'm dating him for him, not for his friends and I'm not over enthused to meet them but it just got to me?)

osarusan wrote: »

It's not going to be much fun for either of you of you are both worried if it's going to be 'successful' or if the other partner is going to suddenly be upset about something.

Yeah, he has problems 'finishing' sometimes. Which at first made me think I was doing things wrong, but it was nothing to do with me, and I get that. But he gets worked up about it in his own head and then it's harder for him cause he's put pressure on himself. I've talked to him about it and I try to tell him to relax and just enjoy things while they're happening and not be thinking about it so much.
Unfortunately neither of us seem to be taking that advice.
The only reason I thought of the break from sex is that it might help take some of the pressure off, and maybe he'll actually take my request for better communication without me sounding like I'm being stupid or needy (not to say im with-holding sex to get my way more like a set time frame of a break),  just  to relax a bit.

GingerLily

Have you posted about him before OP?

Numberella

GingerLily wrote: »

Have you posted about him before OP?

Nope, Im fairly new  here :)

tara73

sorry, but is he for real? I read he demands you during sex to do 'the thing', you don't know what he means, which is very reasonable. he's not able to tell you what it is he means and after you asked again he says I don't know.

this is just crazy stuff on his part.you have every right to be annoyed at him. but instead he's successfull in manipulating you to think it's all your fault.

I'm almost lost for words. you got a text book manipulator here and you seem to be an easy target for him in taking on all the blame and apologizing to him profusely. did he apologise also?

the thing about changing places during sex going on a chair...did he asked you if you are comfortable with it or did he just demand it? if it's the latter, it makes me shudder.

Gut feeling tells me run for the hills!

leggo

It seems like you're both thinking a lot about sex, particularly him if he's had issues. Try not making it about the 'having sex' part and just enjoy messing around and pleasing each other, then let what happens happen, don't do anything until you're both dying to and it just comes naturally. That way you're not thinking about the destination or any of the other things that may cause anxiety in there and just living in the moment, which is what good sex is. If you're thinking "Do they like this? Do I look good?" etc, then things can get stressful easily. When that happens, hang back for a bit and do some other stuff until you get back in the moment.