Family Wedding

LegacyUser

Okay, so this may be deemed fairly trivial in regards to the other issues people face here...but I just don't know what to do.

So my boyfriend (of a year) has known of my sisters wedding since they were engaged, I guess I took it for granted that he would be going, but he spoke as though he was. It is coinciding with a family event of his, but essentially he said he could go to both. If he could go to the afters, I said that was cool by me, he didn't have to go to the whole thing or anything, to be fair.


Invitation arrives yesterday, he calls over and all I get it....."it's going to be horrible, I won't even see you , you are part of the wedding party, Ill be sitting by myself having to make chit chat with strangers, whats the point of me even going, it is my idea of hell" and anyway it ended with him saying he hadn't decided if he is going at all yet. I told him he had the two weeks to decide.

I am just so disappointed. If it was the other way around, I would have never even complained about being by myself....I know it's going to be a bit annoying since I am a bridesmaid, but like...grown man...few hours, getting to know my extended family better...maybe slight awkwardness at first, big deal.

I don't know what to do. I was tempted to just retract the invitation and say "you are uninvited, you're off the hook " etc

At this stage if he turns around and tells me he is going I am going to be worried for the wedding that he is sitting in a huff not talking to anyone and being p*ssed off.

Any advice? I don't know how to deal with this. Don't know if this matters but we are both in our 30's.

road_high

There's got to be give and take. In a relationship you've got to make an effort sometimes and do stuff you don't want to do (I can't see the big deal either to be honest).
If he can't do that and make the effort then is he worth the effort on your part?

Neyite

Do you have any other siblings who's also have their partners there he can be seated with? Could he meet some of them before the big event so he knows them a bit better on the day?

Personally I think he's being childish. I'd be as unimpressed as you are. My partner has been in the bridal party for his siblings weddings and I've had to make my own way to the church/venue and socialise solo until he is free of his duties. I'm not 5 and don't need a hand-hold so even though it might be a bit daunting, you just get on with it.

But it's also an invite, not a summons so he doesn't have to go and you can tell him that. It's not your wedding so it's not up to you to rescind an invitation he was named on though. (if he's down as your plus-one then it is up to you who you bring, just tell him that you can bring someone else)

Flibble

He's totally over reacting. Tonnes of people end up in this situation, at nearly every wedding! You can't use that as a reason for friction or a reason not to go!!

I can understand his side because I'd have a bit of social anxiety. I was invited to a wedding a few years ago at which i knew nobody but the bride & their immediate family, and i wasn't given a plus one.

I was absolutely bricking it going, and not looking forward to it, but i never ever let that show & I discovered that you have to try really, really hard to be left alone at a wedding with nobody to talk to. It's grand!! Everyone is friendly, there's a ready made topic of conversation (how do you know X) and people are all in good form.

He should, of course, talk to you if he's feeling anxious, but to use it as a reason not to go is not on. If he goes, he will find it easy to chat to whoever he's sitting beside. If he doesn't, for the night, socialise then it can only be for one of 2 reasons:

1) he has absolutely crippling high-level social anxiety, which you would know about by now if he did
2) he has decided not to enjoy himself & is making a deliberate attempt to make sure he doesn't

I've been to a fair few weddings since with my current BF where I've felt anxious and really, really scared. I told him beforehand, of course, and we make a joke out of my derpyness (as we call it) but still went and he's really good about checking in with me. I never latch on to him as i don't want him to feel he can't mingle by himself. He probably spends a good 60-70% of the time away from me, but looks for me often & if I'm ever alone (rare) he comes for a chat or introduces me to someone with something in common.

amtc

If just for the afters he should go. It'll be less formal. If for the whole thing I can see the point. I was invited to my best friend's wedding on my own and was very much isolated. For some reason her sister switched seating plan and was at children's table.

But after is a good solution.

freshpopcorn

Hi!
He is overreacting in a way because generally with these things people just go along with.In my experience the whole excitement of a wedding isn't really their for a man. But most grin and get on with it.
The only issue is, is he really social anxious around strangers? If he is the whole thing could be absolute hell to him and he might find it really hard to cope on the day.
Is he invited to the meal or just the afters at 9/10pm in the evening. If it's to the bit later on in the evening the wedding party wouldn't be together as much as the ceremony/meal/top table.. So, he'd be around you a good bit. If he is invited to the meal just tell him he's seated with nice people.

miamee

Could you find out what table he'd be sitting at and introduce him to one or two of those people before the wedding?

I was in a similar position last year except by the time the wedding came around, we'd only been going out 5 months. My boyfriend had met some of my friends so my sister (bride) seated him at a table with my friend and her husband, my brother and his girlfriend and another sister's boyfriend so he knew those people. In fact he met my sisters bf just a week before the wedding as they were buddying up for the day for lifts and each other's +1 while myself and my sister were otherwise engaged in the bridal party. Her bf knew no one outside of our immediate family and still came along. The thought of spending an entire day making small talk with strangers is torture to some people and while he is being childish about it, I can see his point if he doesn't know a single person going. Maybe if you remedy that soon, he'll think differently about it.

Big Bag of Chips

He can go to his family thing during the day and go to the afters of the wedding. By the time the afters come around all the bridal party stuff is finished. In saying that, there are likely to be a lot of people there that you'd like to talk to. Family you don't see often etc. So if he is expecting you to sit at a table with him for the whole night and just entertain him and not mingle and dance etc with others it might be better if he doesn't go.

Your sister will only get married once, we assume. It's a big day for your family and you should be able to relax and enjoy it without being guilty about enjoying it. It doesn't have to be a row. It doesn't have to be 'Fine! Don't bother, you're uninvited" but it can be "Ok, I understand that you might feel a bit awkward, I honestly don't mind if you want to leave it".

It doesn't have to be a row, and don't let him turn it in to one, or turn it around to be about him, or be your fault etc.

freshpopcorn

Hi OP can you just clarify is he asked to sit down meal or just to the bit in the evening at around 10pm at night!

LegacyUser

Op here, so Ya like anyone he would nervous meeting family etc but out of the two of us I'm the socially awkward one. maybe I under estimated his anxiety.

He is invited to the whole thing. The wedding is an hour drive from where we live, so I think that's awkward for the afters. But I have said going to the afters only is totally fine by me.

I guess my real issue is the fuss he is making. He said I was putting him under pressure to decide. Which was not my intention.

Also ..I have met his family his friends ( I have like two friends he has a big gang)...I would do this for him without hesitation, why can't he do the same. What does that mean?

SB_Part2

I absolute hated when my OH has been a member of the bridal party at weddings we've gone to. I always feel like billy no mates. It's really awkward if you don't know the people at the table you're at and you're trying to make small talk with them.

I would suggest letting him go to his own family thing and then going to the afters of your sisters wedding. By that time everyone will be more relaxed and you won't have to be sitting at the main table.

Cupcake_Crisis

I wouldn't be pussyfooting around him tbh. Its a big day for you and your family. Lay him out the options

- suck it up, come all day and talk to people. I've been a bridesmaid before, you won't be MIA for too long. The dinner would be the longest time and you could pop over between courses to chat to him.

- just come to the afters. It'll give him time to do his family thing and it'll be more casual.

If he couldn't find it in him to do either I'd be pretty annoyed tbh.

Tigger99

I love a good wedding and would have no problem going in the situation but I know of many many people where that would their idea of hell. I really don't see the big deal if he doesn't come.

LegacyUser

I'm siding with your partner on this one. Having been in this exact situation on a couple of occasions, this is my idea of hell. I am a very social person around people I know, but my OH is from a different part of the country and I never got to know his greater circle of friends, etc. We are together 5 years, and twice last year he was at the top table (groomsman and best man for guys he went to school with and hadn't been in contact with since) while I was left at a table of total strangers I never met before and will never see again.

Because the wedding was on the other side of the country, we had to leave home at 6am, me all dolled up for a wedding and then I had to hang around with the bridal party for the day (first time meeting them) while my OH went off for photos etc with the groom's party.

I didn't realise how socially anxious I was with strangers until this. If it was a casual gathering in a pub where you can pop out to the smoking area for a break, fair enough. But all dressed up in formal wear and not exactly comfortable/relax, trying to find some common ground with people you don't know anything about - that's not fun for many people.

Honestly I was dreading it for weeks, I was counting down the days for the wedding to be over and done with. When the day finally came, it felt It would never end. While my OH checked in on me regularly, he was off mixing with friends he hadn't seen since he was a child, out taking photographs while I awkwardly mingled by the champagne reception wishing the bloody bridal party would finish their photo shoot and arrive at the hotel so I would have someone familiar to talk to. I found myself scanning the crowd (who were happier to catch up with familiar faces rather than make lengthy small talk with a stranger) hoping to see someone I know, without success.

My entire day involved awkwardly making small talk, and this happened for two weddings a couple of months apart. While some people may take this in their stride, it's a nightmare for others. I was utterly drained, and would've done anything to get away from the situation. Perhaps your OH has been through it before with an ex, and knows how tough going it can be.

After suffering it twice, I know if the situation arises for me again, no way in hell will I attend the entire thing. I may politely force myself to attend the evening part for an hour or two if my OH demands I do, but otherwise, the way I look at it now - it's just one day, the wedding party don't care if I am there as they don't know me, and my OH would likely enjoy it more if he didn't have me to worry about.

Some people don't enjoy weddings anyway, maybe your OH is one of these people. Add into the equation having to spend the day on his own, making small talk with people he barely knows, and I can see why it wouldn't appeal.

I wouldn't push him to do anything - let him make his own choice. It's hardly hugely important in the greater scheme of things.

LegacyUser

He is giving out about going to your sisters wedding. He know this wedding was coming up for a while so why is he complaining now about this?

Ok he might not like weddings/not know people their but as adult he needs to grow up. He is in a relationship with you for the past year so your family will expect him to be their. You have been decent and told him you can come to the afters only as you know he has something else on the same day.

People know your part of a couple so why should you spnd the day on your own answeing questions where is x?
In fact if I was going out with somone for a year I would not be happy if they did not want to go to sisters/brothers wedding with me espically when he has been given the option of going to the afters only. At that stage you should have more time to spend with him.

As a adult in a realtionship we all have to attend things or chat to people we might not have much in common with but this is the give part of a realtionship.

pookie82

She's your sister. Not some random old friend from playschool or a distant cousin.

If he absolutely must avoid the day, he should at the very least come to the afters. But I fail to see the life altering sacrifice having a few drinks outside your comfort zone and making small talk for a day is.

Church isn't a big deal, no one really talks there anyway. Photos will be the main time he'll be at a loose end but if he really can't bear the thoughts of a few pints in the hotel he could always drive around for the duration or pass the time somewhere nearby. He'll make small talk at the meal with whoever is around him, I've done it countless times (and met some really nice/funny people while I'm at it). Once they realise his other half is in the bridal party they'll no doubt make an extra effort for him. You can pop over and back during the dinner and once that's done so, largely, are your duties. Rest of the night can be spent with you.

I've seen this situation pan out quite a few times with both myself and with friends and I honestly think anyone who downright refuses to show is a self serving git.

weddingtime

weddingtime wrote: »

It is coinciding with a family event of his, but essentially he said he could go to both. If he could go to the afters, I said that was cool by me, he didn't have to go to the whole thing or anything, to be fair.

I have said going to the afters only is totally fine by me.

weddingtime wrote: »

Invitation arrives yesterday, he calls over and all I get it....."it's going to be horrible, I won't even see you , you are part of the wedding party, Ill be sitting by myself having to make chit chat with strangers, whats the point of me even going, it is my idea of hell"

I know it's going to be a bit annoying since I am a bridesmaid, but like...grown man...few hours, getting to know my extended family better...maybe slight awkwardness at first, big deal.

At this stage if he turns around and tells me he is going I am going to be worried for the wedding that he is sitting in a huff not talking to anyone and being p*ssed off.

weddingtime wrote: »

I guess my real issue is the fuss he is making. He said I was putting him under pressure to decide. Which was not my intention.

I'm sorry but it's not clear to me whether you expect him to go to the afters or to the whole day. Is it clear for him?

kylith

I can see his point if it's the whole day. I wouldn't be keen on standing around by myself for a day, or trying to shoehorn myself into strangers' conversations, because you're the only person there he knows and you're busy.

However the meal or the afters is a different thing completely; being at a table is different to standing around, and after the meal your bridal party duties would be done so you'd be there for him then.

amtc

Someone asked this earlier...is it afters as after the ceremony but including meal or just the evening bit?

Sunny Dayz

Op I was in a similar position to your boyfriend, I was going out with my fella just over a year when he was best man for his brother. I had met his family a couple times as they are scattered all around the country and this wedding wasn't local to us. I didn't see himself from the night before the wedding until some stage the night of the wedding, I saw him for a few mins after the wedding and checking into the hotel!


But I was well looked after by his family. I stayed with one of his brothers and the girlfriend the night before, they brought me to the wedding. I was seated with his family in the church and at the meal. I'm not great with strangers and I found that I did push myself outside my comfort zone and got to know many of his relatives. I also got to spend more time with his immediate family and get to know them much better.


I'm married into that family now.

Dixie Chick

I think asking him to go to the evening part alone and expecting him to be there is not unreasonable.

What age are you? Is he very young? If you are with him a year, this is potentially his sister in law in the future and he needs to grow up a bit

I went out with a guy for years who used to refuse to go to weddings. I used to DREAD anyone getting married because of it.

If it is just the evening, he will not be alone. If he knows you will be upset that he isn't there and sitll doesn't go then that is a bigger issue if you ask me. But then I am super sensitive to these things from past experience

Eeden

If someone is an introvert, it's unbelievably stressful for them to socialise with people, especially if they're on their own. "Grown man" or not.

I often refused to go to weddings, especially if they were (e.g.) work colleagues of my partner, where I would know literally no one. But I also find family weddings extremely stressful. Like, full-on, almost panic-attack-inducing hell.

However, I will add this - I'm not with that partner anymore, probably partly because we didn't socialise in the same way and I think my ex found that difficult.

Maybe you could discuss it and try to figure out a way that both of you will feel comfortable? And try to realise how difficult these situations can be for some people. They're not reacting this way to annoy you.

LegacyUser

I think you are falling into the trap of assuming your family events are of any importance to anyone outside your family and close friends. Weddings in particular seem to make people think everyone should be honoured and delighted to be invited, when the truth is they're actually like a summons through the door for a lot of people. I've been to some with my partner where one or both of us were sorry we bothered, we knew nobody, ate bad food, spent money on outfits and presents, wasted a day we could have better spent almost anywhere else and spoke to the newlyweds for maybe 20 seconds. Honestly, they're just not worth the effort for a lot of people and I really can't blame your boyfriend for how he feels.

The fact that he's know for a while is irrelevant, lots of people are aware of all sorts of life events and start to dread them more as they approach.

I notice too that you blame him for feeling this way, but don't actually say that he's wrong in his prediction of how the day will be for him. You want your feelings and needs recognised and valued, but you aren't placing the same importance on his. As further evidence of that, your reaction isn't to try to understand, or talk through a compromise, or make efforts to make things easier on him for the day, but rather to expect him to just shut up and get on with it, then deliver an ultimatum and give him a deadline to decide, and also to want to lash out by uninviting him. This hardly needs to be a problem at all, it's not like his absence is an obstacle to the event, but your reaction is turning it into one.

Sunny Dayz

Guessed wrote: »

I think you are falling into the trap of assuming your family events are of any importance to anyone outside your family and close friends. Weddings in particular seem to make people think everyone should be honoured and delighted to be invited, when the truth is they're actually like a summons through the door for a lot of people. I've been to some with my partner where one or both of us were sorry we bothered, we knew nobody, ate bad food, spent money on outfits and presents, wasted a day we could have better spent almost anywhere else and spoke to the newlyweds for maybe 20 seconds. Honestly, they're just not worth the effort for a lot of people and I really can't blame your boyfriend for how he feels.

Well it's the OP's sister who is getting married so it would be quite important to the OP and her family.
When it's your girlfriend's sister getting married, it is a bigger deal IMO, than say a cousin you hardly know.

childsplay

If the chap doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to go!! If you push the issue, you'll be pushing him away from you. I don't understand why people invest so much time in trying to control those we are meant to love or use the argument that if you loved me you'd do this for me...which is essentially manipulation and therefore all about control. Besides, there will be rows if he sits with a long face on him all night too. Chap can't win either way.

LegacyUser

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

it's the OP's sister who is getting married so it would be quite important to the OP and her family.

And the boyfriend falls into neither category.