He is afraid of being hurt -how do I proceed?

LegacyUser

So I'm 30 and the guy I've been seeing for the last 7/8 weeks is 31. Just to give a bit of background to my relationship history, I've been single for 18 months and whether it was my guard being up or I just didn't feel anything for guys that had been interested I had literally no interest in any guy that approached me in that time. That is until the current guy I'm seeing. For the first time in that 18 months I fancied someone, we get on so well and I felt we had a lot in common. We hadn't seen each other for almost 2 weeks as he was away with work and I had a weekend away that was already planned. He texted earlier in the week and we had a general chat about us and where this was going. He has stuff on the next three weekends. I have stuff on the next two weekends etc etc. He suggested meeting up to talk about it all and straight away I was thinking it was mature and decent of him to suggest a chat in person as opposed to going over and back texting.

So we met last night. Long story short of what he said: He was interested in me, we get on very well and I was very easy to be around. His last two relationships which were in pretty quick succession with one another ended badly. At the end of the first relationship his ex thought he cheated on her as they were on opposite sides of the world and when they came back together she thought they would pick up where they left off while he had started seeing the second girl. He said everything was going really well between them, he spent weekend with her and then all of a sudden she ended it out of the blue and it really threw him. Then he said he hadn't been the same person since (this was last November) and his normal charisma was sort of gone. He said that while he doesn't get depressed, he can get stressed where he needs alone time and that people and friends of him have told him he is very deep and hard to get to know. He said he was telling me all this so I have a picture of where he is at right now and he wanted to be honest.

Long story short of what I said: There was a distance between us ( 1 hour during the week ) but I think if people are interested they try make it work. If we were going to be seeing each other the next three weeks were going to be difficult but I happen to be in the city he lives twice over that time so if the distance was an issue there is two meet ups that are easy to sort if he is around those same times. I said I was glad he told me all that stuff and November is not that long ago so if he needed to leave things between us that was no problem. I'd been hurt badly in the past too and maybe we were both coming at this from different angles as I've been single almost two years whereas he has had two relationships in that time. I told him that if we are to continue on I was happy to take things slowly and get to know each other but the fact that he had been hurt in the past wouldn't give him an excuse if he was to turn around and mess me about. I mentioned that he was the first guy I'd been interested in in a long time and to me that means I am willing to put in the effort and meet up and put myself out there.

We decided we would meet Sunday and maybe we would just be seeing each other one a week for now. I assured him I was ok with that. In any previous relationship I never saw the person a whole lot more than that. I asked him was he seeing other girls or still on tinder and he said no he was seeing me and me only.
My questions/worries are basically around the fact that while I now I like him, am interested in him and want to get to know him, since last night I now have been thinking if he's ready for a new possible relationship. He seemed to go over and back and twice I said to him it seems like you want to leave it and he said no. I guess I am conscious of threading the line between being interested in him and putting him under pressure which I don't want to do as I am generally happy to take things slowly. Is the fact that he was so honest with me a good sign? He struck me as being happy go lucky/nothing would phase him kind of guy up until last night. Or does it sound like I should tell him to take a few weeks/ a month to think about what he wants? I have no problem with taking things slowly but that shouldn't mean I'd have to make all the effort and end up pushing him away either. Anyone here ever have a relationship that started off this way and it worked out fine?

Neyite

Mine started out that way. We were both a bit battle scarred maybe from previous bad relationships and actually were happy being single when we met so we agreed to just keep it casual but exclusive and see where it takes us. And as long as we were enjoying it, grand. And if it got to a point where one of us was no longer enjoying it then we'd call it a day as civilly as possible. We agreed to always try to communicate properly and it seems to have stood to us.

13 years on with a child and an engagement, we haven't got to that point yet.

Initially we saw each other only on weekends, then after 5 months or so he moved in to a flat share in the same town as me. After a year we moved in together.

You can use previous relationship pitfalls as a learning curve rather than something to be afraid of in a new relationship. Getting your heart broken hurts like hell, but you also learn a lot of life lessons in the process. What I mean is that if his ex treated him badly, then he needs to realise that that was her. Not all women. Her. And you are someone different and worthy of the benefit of the doubt in this new relationship.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the reply Neyite. I've been thinking about our meet up and what we said ever since and I'm beginning to think that he was giving me reasons not to want to be with him or to give things a go whereas I was trying to think positive and give reasons as to why we could see each other.One thing that is worrying me a bit is that the contact has decreased a bit since the beginning. Fair enough he was away and so was I but I am finding it hard that we have gone from contact 4/5 times a week for the first few weeks to less frequent contact now. The second thing worrying me is that he went to kiss me before I left the other night and I moved in closer to maybe properly kiss him and he got a bit awkward and sort of pulled away.
Fine he has said how he is afraid of being hurt but so am I. I could have told him lots of reasons of how I was afraid of getting hurt- I may also have suffered depression in the past, was abused by a neighbour when I was 10, my Mam has an undiagnosed mental illness, I've been cheated on etc etc. I do like him, I really do and what he told me about himself made me think no less of him but he seems to be a different guy than he was at the beginning. Maybe the beginning was a front or something as he appeared the sort of lad that nothing would phase him. It's gone from him suggesting our 4th date that we go for drinks and I stay over with him to him not wanting to kiss me. I don't know if I am able or willing to deal with this as I'm beginning to feel a bit insecure about things now. I think I will wait and see if our meet up on Sunday actually happens and I'll have a good think over the weekend.

LegacyUser

OP here. I wrote a reply yesterday but it never posted.
I guess my main worry is that it seemed to be me giving all the reasons why it could work and him giving reasons why it won't which to me, isn't a good sign. Anything personal he told me about himself and exes doesn't make me think any less of him in any way. I've probably just been finding it hard as we've gone from contacting 4/5 times a week to contact maybe twice a week now. In the beginning things were easy and we were always laughing so I suppose I will have to wait and see if that comes back if we see each other tomorrow as maybe we just needed to have the conversation Wednesday night to clear the air.

We are supposed to meet tomorrow but I'm not sure I see that happening as I feel he just isn't into it as much as me. If we do meet I feel I need to say to him that if we are to continue seeing each other I probably need a bit more interest. I know I can't say to him that I want things to go back to how they were at the start but if they are to continue as they are now I don't know how I'd feel about things. It's hard to go from a lot of contact and him kissing me etc quite often to less contact and barely wanting to kiss me when we met the other night. I guess maybe I've started to feel insecure about it now.

Nettie I totally get what you are saying about me being a different person to his ex and that I deserve the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully he feels the same too as part of me thinks people use the not wanting to be hurt excuse as a reason when they are just not interested but don't have the guts to say that.

Bambi985

While I think that honesty is important, I also think that life isn't an episode of Dawson's Creek and basically spelling out reasons for you to not want to be with him smacks of a complete hesitance on his part. Pursuing someone who isn't quite sure of what he wants or if he wants to be with you is a recipe for disaster IME.

Look, we all have pretty complicated dating histories. I was sort of seeing a guy when I started dating my ex, I was completely "meh" about him though (and I'd say the feelings were mutual) so when my boyfriend came along it was curtains for that whole scenario. A few months previous I'd also been messed around by the biggest kind of eejit going, the kind that makes you want to swear off dating for the rest of eternity. That fella and the feelings I had for him were also thrown out of my mind fairly quickly when I met my boyfriend. When you meet the right person, all those other "it's complicated" scenarios become irrelevant and you won't risk scaring someone off by muddying the waters or making them think you're not that into them.

I know life isn't black and white and relationships don't always start in the most ideal or linear sort of fashion, but what's common to all relationships that go the distance is that the effort comes from both sides. That goes for contact, communication, affection, efforts to see one another. No-one is left hanging or wondering or doubting etc, the very predicament you seem to be in.

My advice would be to take it handy with this one. He's talked his talk, now let him walk the walk. Keep yourself busy and see if any actions are taken on his part to see you again, and if that's lacking, well you have your answer.

Neyite

Lolly, go with your instinct here - if he's coming up with excuses as to why you wont work as a couple, you have to let him off. Maybe he'll wake up in a few weeks time and realise what a bell end he is to have let you go, but you can't live your life waiting for someone who might not ever be bothered either.

The difference where it worked for us was because both of us were willing to give it a go - we may not have been as ready as we had wanted to be, but we didn't want to let the opportunity of a really good thing slip away either. If that didn't happen, our relationship would never have gotten past the first date.

LegacyUser

OP here. So we had a long chat last night. We were both very honest and I guess I was surprised to see the serious side to him as he struck me as happy go lucky kind of a guy who would never let anything bother him. He said he is sure of the fact that he likes me and hasn't lost interest. What he isn't sure of is where he would like to end up in his life. He doesn't see himself staying where he is forever and he feels he is at the age where he has to make these decisions. I said I totally understood that as I was feeling the same and am undecided whether to re locate back home or stay where I am. He had been looking into going to Dubai to save for a house and coming back to buy/build in his own county. He is also looking at the possibility of getting a job in his own county either. He said he felt it would be unfair of him to get into a relationship with me and have the thoughts of going abroad in his head all the time or getting into a relationship and telling me he is off. He had a relationship like that before and he said he wouldn't think he would be getting into one again, it got complicated very quickly.

I basically said to him that I can understand where he is coming from but I'm not waiting around for someone that's unsure, it's not fair on me so maybe it was better to leave it. He said that was probably for the best as he didn't expect me to wait around for him. He asked could he contact me when he was more sure of things. I said I wouldn't promise anything and if he did contact me it would be a question of how I'm feeling then. He said he is completely aware that the ball is in his court now and if he did become more clear of things he would definitely be in touch.

I'm glad it's sorted. I think he is genuine as he has been really honest with me. Whether he will come back or not is another story but I certainly am not prepared to wait around like an eejit waiting for him to decide what he wants and he is more than aware of this too. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. He seems genuine anyway. The messages last night were like essays!