Commitment problem

Purpleplum

I have been in a really good relationship for the past four years. We have done it long distance which was challenging at times but still managed to see each other as much as we could. We started talking over the past year about getting a mortgage and I had planned to relocate to where he was, giving up a job I actually really liked and leaving friends behind but it felt right to be with him. I was happy to do this and felt it would be so good for our relationship. So we attended banks and made our applications for a mortgage but about two months ago we decided we would hold off and rent for a short time instead. We were happier with this as it made more sense. The plan was for me to move in July this year. I had stared applying for a new job and looking into houses to rent. All was going well until one day my boyfriend had a complete meltdown about commitment, started questioning everything, when i would ask him what was he worried about he couldn't say, repeatedly responding with 'I don't know' 'I don't know what's wrong with me'. This was followed by a very sudden break up. This man was telling me how much he adored me and loved me so much right up to the day we broke up. I was absolutely heart broken and he couldn't give me a reason for this just said he needed to figure things out for himself and sort his head out! After 4 years???? How could this happen?! How can you tell someone you love them and see a future and then just walk away? It is now one week since break up and he has text me almost everyday and I foolishly respond each time and I don't know why because it just messes with my head. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

It's very cruel of him to keep texting you every day after treating you like that.
I don't know what to advise beyond telling him so, and trying not to reply. What does he think he's at

Big Bag of Chips

There's a phrase I heard one time that is apt here "How can I miss you, if you won't go away". He has broken up with you, but doesn't really feel the enormity of that now because he is still in daily contact with you. Your relationship may or may not come back from this, but in order for him to full appreciate that for now you are broken up and as such you are no longer part of his life, you have to remove yourself from his life. Tell him to not contact you again, that you need time to come to terms with the breakup and you can't start to come to terms with it if he is still contacting you everyday.

Block his number for a while if you have to.

You both need a bit of space. Who knows what's going on with him. Maybe he doesn't know himself, but carrying on like this isn't going to help him, or you, figure it out.

Edit: Sometimes when a person breaks up with someone else they keep in touch out of a sense of needing to prove to themselves that they can remain friends and that the other person is ok with the relationship ending. You have a say too. If you don't want him contacting you you put a stop to it. If he ignores your (reasonable) request, then he isn't too bothered about your feelings and his contact is more for his own benefit - whatever that may be.

Neyite

Focus on your feelings right now. His are irrelevant and he can deal with them however he sees fit. But for you, you need head space from him to begin processing what's happened and he's not giving you that with the texting.

I'd suggest sending him a polite final text saying that being in contact is not helping you move on so in order to do that, you'll be blocking him on your phone and social media for a few months and that it's not personal.

The cynic in me is saying that he's texting you to keep his options open with you. But that's not healthy for you to be left hanging so you need to do what's best for you.

redfox123

Thing is when you end a relationship and it's not what the other wants you don't get to have any of the things that the relationship provided. It's just not part of the deal. You don't get to text when you feel like it, to ease guilt, or out of habit of having that person there, having them to chat to, have them stroke your ego hearing how cut up they are over you, you don't have the right to anything at all. It's just not the way it works. You don't get to have your cake and eat it. He got shaky on commitment and is now having things the way he wants it, not in a relationship but still in contact in case he changes his mind. Basically having you there, but also at a distance. No, just no.
See the reality might be the whole long distance thing always suited him, and that's why it worked for 4years. He got to do what he wanted almost all the time, but also have a girlfriend who he could see not very often but was always there. I'm not sure how I would ever do the long distance thing, how well can you really know/trust someone over that length of time but not be with them in reality. Living together would have been such a huge jump in the reality of the relationship and intimacy. It's a world away from what you had. What he has shown in his actions is that he didn't want the crucial side of a relationship that is needed to sustain it day to day, and that's emotional intimacy, talking through stuff, the mundane problems of every day life and the bigger emotional problems that might exist in the relationship. When you have issues in a relationship you bring them up and constructively talk about them. Doing what he did is final, it's over so he doesn't get a choice anymore in anything. He was not equipped to talk about his fears. If it was me, I have to be honest I'd want him to suffer a little and see the mistake he's made and would completely ignore him. Completely. Even let him see you've read them but no reply. But I'm petty like that.
Eventually he will be back. That's pretty much a given. By then you then have had your space and the confidence of knowing you could completely cut him out and weren't going to pussy foot about in this vague non relationshippy emotional messaging limbo that he wants. Because it was far from what you wanted. You decide what way you want things then if you get back together. By then you will probably have seen that if he truly loved you he would not have put you through this and will be ok with letting it go if that's what you decide. But for now take it it's over, do what must be done to move on, do not wait around. You do not want to be with someone who does not want you. Or kind of wants you but is too lame and lacking in conviction to do it 100%. You want someone to work through the ups and downs together with and who is mature and emotionally open enough to be able to discuss things, not bail in the way he did. Sorry if this was blunt

Pheggiewillie

Purpleplum wrote: »

I have been in a really good relationship for the past four years. We have done it long distance which was challenging at times but still managed to see each other as much as we could. We started talking over the past year about getting a mortgage and I had planned to relocate to where he was, giving up a job I actually really liked and leaving friends behind but it felt right to be with him. I was happy to do this and felt it would be so good for our relationship. So we attended banks and made our applications for a mortgage but about two months ago we decided we would hold off and rent for a short time instead. We were happier with this as it made more sense. The plan was for me to move in July this year. I had stared applying for a new job and looking into houses to rent. All was going well until one day my boyfriend had a complete meltdown about commitment, started questioning everything, when i would ask him what was he worried about he couldn't say, repeatedly responding with 'I don't know' 'I don't know what's wrong with me'. This was followed by a very sudden break up. This man was telling me how much he adored me and loved me so much right up to the day we broke up. I was absolutely heart broken and he couldn't give me a reason for this just said he needed to figure things out for himself and sort his head out! After 4 years???? How could this happen?! How can you tell someone you love them and see a future and then just walk away? It is now one week since break up and he has text me almost everyday and I foolishly respond each time and I don't know why because it just messes with my head. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

Sorry bout the way you feel.
He may be really scared about the commitment and he handled it badly. Don't push him away but don't reply his messages foolishly. Let him know that he has to give you space so you can move on with your life.
Anyone can be in aa relationship but marriage and commitments are for "men". Matured and serious minded men. The thing with some guys is that they get too caught up enjoying the moment and are too afraid of doing more than that. Its a good thing he is breaking up with you now because if you were married to him, he may keep breaking down over serious issues when you will need him to man up and be your " rock".
If you still love him and he is ready to accept responsibilities, then welcome him. But if he just wants to text you, then tell him to give you space.
Texting you will hold you down emotionally and make it difficult for you to move on with your life even though he has nothing to offer.