How to deal with housemate taking the piss?

echter

I have an issue with my current housemate and i'm unsure on how to approach them to let them know that what she did was wrong. For a bit ( a lot ) of context:

I moved in last year to a house that my sister rents out. I’m living with three others: a woman in her late 20s who also is a colleague of my sister, a mature student in his 30s, and his girlfriend from South America (relevant) Originally the house was only rented to three people at a time but shortly before I came, he texted my sister and asked could his friend stay on the couch while they were looking for a place, and eventually it turned out that 'his friend' was his long distance girlfriend (late 20s) who moved over, and now lives there. This was fine as the bills were divvied up by four instead of three, and even though the house is quite small, the first woman is hardly there so sometimes it didn’t even feel like 4 in the house.

The couple aren’t the best housemates to begin with; they're very messy and there’s a litany of typical housemate no-gos that they have made, she washes her underwear in the shower and leaves them on the handle of the actual shower door, she has left two periods worth of half-wrapped sanitary towels in the bathroom bin before throwing it out, they don’t mop after having a shower, they once made a full roast chicken dinner on a Friday and didn’t clear up the carcass, nor 4 pots/plates and all the bits they used until the Monday afternoon and even though I pay rent to use the full house – the sitting room is now their domain. They spend every night at home, and close the door. Now I have a TV in my room and I have no real need to be downstairs except I live in the box room and sometimes feel a bit suffocated. In addition to the sitting room, it seems like sod’s law that whenever I want to use the kitchen or bathroom, they are already there taking an hour and a half to cook dinner.

All this was extremely frustrating as it’s my first time living away from home and I am very conscientious about how I appear. I’m five years younger than the next youngest in the house and despite being a horrifically messy person, I make an effort to clean up after myself, and I do. I’m no angel, but I feel like my worst attributes are leaving my alarm on snooze and washing my clothes a lot (small room, inevitability) We aren’t all friends, but exchanged pleasantries and seemed to be harmonious enough.

I could ignore the messiness, but last month I got a facebook message on the 18th from the girlfriend to say that her mother was coming to stay from South America for a couple of weeks, and she hoped that it would be ok. I didn’t reply, as I was absolutely furious and didn’t really want to air my grievances out on messenger. I wasn’t to be at home that night, but I went on Facebook and saw that her mother was already in Ireland and they were out in Temple bar having a drink. This tipped me over the edge and I was really upset, it already felt like I was living in their marital home, and now I had to deal with her family. I like my private space and it took me a while to feel comfortable living in the house, and when I come home from work I don’t like to deal with small talk or waiting to use the bathroom or kitchen.

I was away from the house and didn’t return for a few days but when I went back, I went to the kitchen and the mother was washing dishes. She didn’t hear me so I had to make noise to get her to look up, and it turns out that she can’t speak a word of english. So after a few awkward questions about enjoying Ireland, the daughter walked in and said ‘haha, she can’t speak english’ and then turned to her mother and said ‘this is __, this is her sister’s house’ in Spanish (it was pretty obvious and I don’t even speak it) and didn’t introduce us, so I quickly finished making food and left.

So it continued for a while, I was upset and venting to my sister who I didn’t want to get involved as they would have known I was moaning to her. She had told me that the other woman (her colleague) had found out that the mother wasn’t staying for a couple of weeks, it was until after Paddy’s day.

Once she told me I was unbelievably angry about the whole situation, and it made me lose any sort of empathy towards the two of them and how hard it must be to be separated. It became harder to be polite towards them, and more apparent that I was not happy. I still couldn’t tell her how I felt as they were always around, and as I work shifts – I can be there all around the clock. The mother never really left the house and would wait while her daughter went to work. They occasionally left for dinner but for the most part, all she saw of the country was our house. Making dinner or doing upkeep with washing etc was hard because the mother would be constantly cleaning, and had no qualms about brushing/mopping around your feet while you were making food. That annoyed me because it felt like the mother thought the house was dirty, even though they constitute most of the mess.

Then it escalated, I left home for a few days to visit my boyfriend (who does come over, we keep to my box room and he only stays a maximum 3 nights every 3-4weeks as we’re long distance) and when I came back there was another woman in the house who the girlfriend invited. She stayed from Wednesday to the following Monday and like the mother, was seemingly in the house a lot. I wasn’t notified of the second arrival and I got no introduction either. Both the mam and the second woman were staying in the sitting room, and they had bought a blow up bed to fit them both in. At this stage I was full on rage, and I really did not hide how angry I was. The girlfriend did seem to pick up on it and is now not speaking to me.

Yet again, the girlfriend was always surrounded by the two women, and the boyfriend never acknowledged the entire situation. It seemed like she knew I would be angry so wanted to limit any chances for confrontation. So the second woman left, and I spent Paddy’s day away as I could not stand to spend it with the mother in the house. Coming back home on Monday I expected the mother to be gone, and to finally be able to talk to them both.
I don’t like conflict and wouldn’t trust myself to not shout or say something horrible. She’s still there, and the tension has risen beyond belief. I don’t really know how to approach this considering it’s done now, I didn’t get a chance with her on her own to address it so it seems moot point if the mam is leaving soon but I want to let her know that what she done was strife on both me, the other woman and not really fair on her poor mother. Any advice?

Mr. Incognito

Okay- As I understand it

1. Your sister is the Landlord
2. Your housemate has moved her mother in for the past week without asking you in advance.

Why cant you ring your sister and ask her to tell your housemate to send the mother packing off to a hotel?

rainemac

I actually can't believe you would put up with that scenario even before the mother came to stay. Talk to your sister!!! She owns the house and boundaries should be in the contract with regards to a extended house guest.
Personally I'd encourage getting rid of both of them and replacing with one person and never house share with a couple and never let it happen accidentally again.
Other option is to move. Couldn't live like that!!

Goodshape

Always love the responses to these sorts of posts which make out like you can or should treat the people you share a home with as if they were faceless business acquaintances. Sure, just call the landlord behind their back and get them and their mother hoofed out! It's your right!


Honestly though, it does suck and it's not ok. I've lived with a couple before, a couple of times, and I wouldn't ever want to do it again. Even through no fault of their own they have a tendancy to 'forget' the needs of others in the house. They've got backup in everything they do (each other) and sure isn't it lovely cooking an elaborate meal with your loved one and then sitting down on the couch together. (Excuse me while I squeeze past and push 5 pots and pans to the side to heat up my loanly meal for one! Don't mind me!!).

It's tough but you will have to sit down and explain to them that the last few weeks were not okay. It is your home too, every bit as much as it is theirs. Hopefully they're not doing this maliciously and they're just like every other happy couple I've ever lived with – slightly oblivious.

And try to avoid living with couples in future

Good luck!

Merkin

What the ACTUAL?!

What does your sister think of all of this? Surely she just needs to turf the whole lot out given they're living there rent free? It's intolerable! I'd have gone postal by now tbh.

echter

Thanks for the replies, I'm almost certain that the other housemates don't have a contract with my sister, but are (to the best of my knowledge) fully registered with the PRTB as my sister has been in contact with them to full understand the landlord process and to be above board, plus she pays the correct tax.
The man is best friends with our cousin, that's how he came to live there when the room became vacant. So it's this weird spiderweb, I'm also shocked that he hasn't tried to diffuse the situation considering he's involved with our family. He also studies law so I was almost thinking that he knows my sister has no leg to stand on because none of us have contracts? Either way, she wanted to intervene but I asked her not to.

Merkin

Why have you asked her not to intervene?????

echter

Also, the mother has been here since the 18th of February!

Brego888

Reclaim your bloody house. Your passive aggressive brooding is getting you nowhere.

echter

I don't think 'reclaiming my bloody house' is very constructive. I have tried to talk to them about this, I can't just ask the mother to leave. The likelihood is that she probably can't afford a hotel at such short notice, I'm not cruel. Plus I have tried to talk to them about this but they have made it difficult to corner them alone.
I'm just looking for advice on how to talk to them about this because they know they are in the wrong. I haven't asked my sister to intervene because I feel like because I'm her sister, that they won't take what she says on board. Nobody likes a rat and they aren't exactly the most reasonable of people

Cupcake_Crisis

Sit them down and talk to them. It's the only way this will be solved.

XsApollo

As you said they know they are wrong and aren't very reasonable people.
So treat them as such ,they don't deserve anything better.

bmwguy

What they are doing is wrong but it's your refusal to do anything about it that is keeping it continuing. You have to be more firm (or your sister), set a deadline and have the house back to normal.

There have been 3 uninvited guests from my reading of it

Brego888

echter wrote: »

I don't think 'reclaiming my bloody house' is very constructive. I have tried to talk to them about this, I can't just ask the mother to leave. The likelihood is that she probably can't afford a hotel at such short notice, I'm not cruel. Plus I have tried to talk to them about this but they have made it difficult to corner them alone.
I'm just looking for advice on how to talk to them about this because they know they are in the wrong. I haven't asked my sister to intervene because I feel like because I'm her sister, that they won't take what she says on board. Nobody likes a rat and they aren't exactly the most reasonable of people

It is constructive if it prompts you to actually take hold of the situation. You haven't done nearly enough to rectify it and need to be more assertive in calling a meeting with them. Ignoring each other and walking around in silence isn't going to solve it. Either step up yourself or get your sister involved.

I do have sympathy for your situation though it's sounds terrible.

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, your housemate is banking on you being a pushover. You'll be getting this sort of thing until the day one of you move out unless you assert yourself.

echter

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Op, your housemate is banking on you being a pushover. You'll be getting this sort of thing until the day one of you move out unless you assert yourself.

I think that's exactly how they see it, the second day the mam was there they offered me chocolate cake like that would placate me? I find it really difficult asserting myself and I actually have serious problems at work because of it, and I go to counselling for issues with anxiety and not contributing to conversations. There's another woman involved here and even though I have spoken to her about it, she's not really game for having an 'intervention'
admittedly, she's very laid back but is also annoyed by it.

Cupcake_Crisis

echter wrote: »

I think that's exactly how they see it, the second day the mam was there they offered me chocolate cake like that would placate me? I find it really difficult asserting myself and I actually have serious problems at work because of it, and I go to counselling for issues with anxiety and not contributing to conversations. There's another woman involved here and even though I have spoken to her about it, she's not really game for having an 'intervention'
admittedly, she's very laid back but is also annoyed by it.

How about doing it as non confrontational as possible. Tell your housemate that you feel like you need to sit down and have a chat about a few things.

Sit by yourself for a while and write out all the points you want to cover so you don't get flustered. Approach her firmly but be friendly. Just let her know that you have been letting it slide, but you feel like if she and her partner want to have frequent housemates they need to get their own place.

Tell her that you're coming to her first so she has a chance to get things sorted, but if it keeps happening you'll be going to the landlord.

topmanamillion

Brego888 wrote: »

Reclaim your bloody house. Your passive aggressive brooding is getting you nowhere.

Exactly.
OP you are the latest in a long line of threads of people who are annoyed/upset/offended by their housemates and do nothing about it.

Confront the situation immediately.
Its intolerable.
There`s all kinds of mad subletting/illegal use of the property going on there and your sister as the landlord needs to know about it.
Sing like a budgie to her. They haven't shown any sign of giving a fiddlers about you so return the favour.

I cant believe you are putting up with someone's soggy knickers hanging on the door of the shower!

You`re not friends with them.
Sit them down as a couple or separately (whatever's comfortable for you). Tell them the long-term "houseguests" stop immediately its a rental property not a hostel.
They start cleaning up after themselves yesterday too.
Also, start making a point of using the sitting room. Light candles, watch at least one programme a night there or just chill out. Them closing the door and expecting you to stay out is ridiculous. You`ve said you`re claustrophobic in your little box room and as you`re renting the whole place you`re entitled to the use of all communal areas.

echter

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

echter wrote: »

I think that's exactly how they see it, the second day the mam was there they offered me chocolate cake like that would placate me? I find it really difficult asserting myself and I actually have serious problems at work because of it, and I go to counselling for issues with anxiety and not contributing to conversations. There's another woman involved here and even though I have spoken to her about it, she's not really game for having an 'intervention'
admittedly, she's very laid back but is also annoyed by it.

How about doing it as non confrontational as possible. Tell your housemate that you feel like you need to sit down and have a chat about a few things.

Sit by yourself for a while and write out all the points you want to cover so you don't get flustered. Approach her firmly but be friendly. Just let her know that you have been letting it slide,  but you feel like if she and her partner want to have frequent housemates they need to get their own place.

Tell her that you're coming to her first so she has a chance to get things sorted, but if it keeps happening you'll be going to the landlord.

Thank you, that's actually something I feel I can use. I have outlined that I'm not good at confrontation and I feel like I'm in a weird position considering I'm the landlords sister, they know I let a lot of things slide rather than take umbrage with it. I really didn't want to be the one coming into the house and upsetting the status quo, giving out about knickers and ratting but it all adds up and I am at fault for letting it snowball, I never thought anyone would do this but I guess that's me being pretty green.
I know that I have to confront them with this, I have tried to get them alone - anytime that I've tried the mam has been there and it's not ideal considering it's something I'm not good at and I've never done before, and all I envisage is a screaming ****-show plus tbh, I can't afford to move out. Things like this don't come easy to some people and having all my points ready is something I would have overlooked

Bambi985

honestly OP there's two issues here, there's your selfish housemates taking the mickey and then there's your anxiety, which is allowing their behaviour to continue unchecked. Sure why would they suddenly be reasonable and considerate, when all they have to worry about from their pushover housemate is a few passive aggressive stares now and then?

I understand how difficult it can be to assert yourself and I can struggle with it myself sometimes. What usually helps for me is to remind myself that I don't know or like these people, they don't matter to me or my life in the long run and that standing up and dealing with the situation will make it a hell of a lot easier to do the next time I'm confronted with some BS behaviour from someone who should know better. And it's true - the more you get used to asserting yourself, the easier it gets every time.

Take full advantage of your sister being the landlord here. So what if they think you're some sort of "rat"? Jesus like, they're taking the absolute piss out of you and making you a prisoner in your own home and you're worried about them not liking you?? Fcuk that! You have the upper hand here seeing as your sister is obviously going to be on your side and she pulls the strings here. Give her the full blow by blow account of their bull**** and let her do what she needs to do. Then tell the couple - individually if that's easier - that you need to talk about your "house guest" because it's creating a stressful living environment for the other tenants. When is she leaving? You need a date.

Then invite your fella over for the weekend and take over the living room. I mean it, cook some food and leave your stuff around and play some music and switch the TV on and kick back and enjoy the space as you are entitled to do. Regardless of whether they're there or not. Let them squirm and feel uncomfortable.

Fakediamond

Arrange an intervention with the landlord, aka your sister by your side, that evens it up, two versus two!

Seriously though, if you were just another tenant, you would be asking the landlady to intervene, you're all strangers so it's not like sitting down with friends/housemates to work out reasonable rules.

I think the no lease business might work in her favour, AFAIK she just has to give them 30 days notice to quit, if even that.

They've gone too far, he lied about his "friend", she lied about the mothers short visit and has the cheek to leave her underwear hanging in the shower! Not to mention ALL the other stuff they're doing, sitting room, kitchen areas etc. Time for them to go and inflict themselves on someone else, totally selfish pigs. Hopefully they'll learn manners before their next share.

Conduct forensic interviews for your next renter, and do get the landlady to check references.

Cupcake_Crisis

echter wrote: »

Thank you, that's actually something I feel I can use. I have outlined that I'm not good at confrontation and I feel like I'm in a weird position considering I'm the landlords sister, they know I let a lot of things slide rather than take umbrage with it. I really didn't want to be the one coming into the house and upsetting the status quo, giving out about knickers and ratting but it all adds up and I am at fault for letting it snowball, I never thought anyone would do this but I guess that's me being pretty green.
I know that I have to confront them with this, I have tried to get them alone - anytime that I've tried the mam has been there and it's not ideal considering it's something I'm not good at and I've never done before, and all I envisage is a screaming ****-show plus tbh, I can't afford to move out. Things like this don't come easy to some people and having all my points ready is something I would have overlooked

It'll only become a screaming match if you allow it to. Approach it very level headedly, and if she starts raising her voice tell her that obviously a solution can't be reached and you'll have to go to the landlord. I'd imagine that would soften her cough very quickly.

I've been in house shares before and most people will have no problem with someone staying over the odd time. You essentially have another lodger at this point.

LegacyUser

This has gone past point of no return. You clearly are not compatible housemates. I've let myself slip into something similar and let it spiral out of control because I didn't want the confrontation. Your first mistake was letting the girlfriend move in, you pay to share with 2 others not 3. It's not a boarding house. They have no sense of boundaries and the other points about living with couples are spot on. I think you have one option here, get your sister to give them their legal notice and find more suitable housemates-anyone else you live with from here on out will be a walk in the park. After your sister serves their notice, explain that they liable for their deposits back even though there were illegal tenants staying in the house rent free for for the past two months. Legally she can't keep deposits but you could use it to get them quicker.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it's time for your sister to start drawing up leases! Casual arrangements lead to casual lodgers.

KVA60

This has gone past point of no return. You clearly are not compatible housemates. I've let myself slip into something similar and let it spiral out of control because I didn't want the confrontation. Your first mistake was letting the girlfriend move in, you pay to share with 2 others not 3. It's not a boarding house. They have no sense of boundaries and the other points about living with couples are spot on. I think you have one option here, get your sister to give them their legal notice and find more suitable housemates-anyone else you live with from here on out will be a walk in the park. After your sister serves their notice, explain that they are eligible for their deposits back even though there were illegal tenants staying in the house rent free for for the past two months. Legally she can't keep deposits but you could use it a little 'nudge' out the door

Just an edit; I wouldn't even try to reason with these people, they're either 1) extremely selfish and have no respect for you 2) no boundaries or cop on; can not be reasoned with!

Duvetdays

Are you sure the mother is even going? Could she be sneakily moving her in

gline

Duvetdays wrote: »

Are you sure the mother is even going? Could she be sneakily moving her in

Thats what i thought when i read this.
I think its defintely time to get the landlord involved at this stage, they didnt even bother to tell you about the 2nd woman staying. They have no respect for you and it doesnt sound like your going to be to confront them.

BetsyEllen

OP I think you need to cop on a bit - you're being taken for an absolute doormat here, and you're letting them away with it.

You have to say something! Call a meeting, sit them down and tell them this is absolutely unacceptable.
Tell your sister that you need her to sort this out as a landlord, nothing to do with being your sister.
It doesn't matter that she is a family member; you are paying rent to her.

She has a responsibility here too to make sure and tenant disputes are sorted out and she shouldn't have let it go on this long.

It's an absolute piss take, it's not going to sort itself out and you need to toughen up a bit.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think it's time for your sister to start drawing up leases! Casual arrangements lead to casual lodgers.

It will involve getting rid of all current people living there but a much better course of action would be for the OP to rent the full house from her sister and then rent out the other rooms seperately. If the people renting the other rooms pay their rent to the op (which she then pays to her sister) it makes her the only lease holder and all the others licensees with no rights. Basically it means she has total control over the other people and if she doesn't like someone she can throw them out immediately.

Aside from that op you need to put your foot down, I'd have had no hesitation whatsoever stay "NO" to the gf moving in regardless of sharing the bills etc as it's too many in the house and I wouldn't live with a couple this was your first mistake and it's gone from there. I also don't know why your sister doesn't step in and throw out people who shouldn't be living there or why she allowed the gf of the housemate to move in.

I said

Lived in a house were a clean up after yerself rule applied one ignoramus never followed this rule would always use stuff in the kitchen and never clean up thier mess and leave pots steeping in the sink.Often times go home on the Friday and leave stuff in the sink till they returned on the Sunday evening.After numerous attempts at reminders about this by the rest of the housemates we smashed all there cups and plates at the front door for them when they returned one Sunday evening needless to say the problem was resolved fairly quickly

pwurple

What the actual.... there are randomers sleeping on a blow up bed in your living room, and you're like... I don't want to bring it up, bit awkward.
It's beyond nuts. How many of these people have keys? Call in your sister for a chat goodness sake.

Big Bag of Chips

How to deal with it?

The only way is to deal with it. The boyfriend is the only 'official' housemate so he's the one you need to be dealing with. Not his gf or her mother. I'd wonder how happy he is with having his gf's mother living with them and never leaving the house and not speaking a word of English.

You need to talk to HIM. Be that through ringing him or sitting down with him later or whatever.

When you do talk to him DO NOT say you don't mind the gf living there. Use this as the opportunity to bring up that it is a 3 person houseshare. If there's 3 of them now surely they can afford to all move in somewhere together and you can advertise the room... And reclaim the sitting room.

echter

To clarify, I moved in two months after the girlfriend did. The arrangement for the girlfriend to live there was made before I moved in. The landlord was hesitant, but as the guy is best friends with our cousin she gave him a bit of leeway and said that she would be ok with it if the other woman in the house was.

The mam seems to have gone, and I've messaged the girlfriend to say that I want to talk with her and I fully understand that it sounds strange that I haven't confronted her/them yet but the house is small, and when the mother was there they spent their time together so pulling them out for a word was honestly not an option - there was nowhere to go and no real opportune moment to do it. I'm not really into arguments over messenger and i felt it best to do it in person. This whole post was made as I am aware that I need to confront them but not sure how to go about it

Big Bag of Chips

Well if you moved in AFTER the gf, and the gf was only ever supposed to be a short term thing until they sorted out their own place, then the landlord needs to be asking them when that will be as the house is only suitable for 3 people and it has been over a year now. It's not really your place as you moved into the current setup.

Your sister needs to become more business like in her dealings. It doesn't matter who her tenants are, if there are issues in the house that were supposed to be temporary and have become full-time then she needs to manage that in a business like way.

Is the rent divided by 4?

echter

We all pay seperately for the rooms, on a sliding scale depending on the size.

Emme

OP it sounds like this guy thought he could sneak his gf into the 3rd bedroom but then you moved in.

Your sister needs to review the rental agreement in the house and have a good stiff chat with the male tenant. It doesn't matter if he is best friends with your cousin, he is taking the p*** and it shouldn't be tolerated.

Does the other girl not spend much time in the house because of the situation with the male tenant and his girlfriend?

thalia_13

Also to be fair on you and the other lady, the couple should pay 3/5 of the bills for the time they were hosting her mother (a months worth anyways)

Pelvis

echter wrote: »

We all pay seperately for the rooms, on a sliding scale depending on the size.

So the couple are paying for the larger room between the two them? So they're likely both paying less than you?

It sounds like you're being taken for a ride here.

mikemac2

This isn't your issue to sort OP, don't let it eat you up. What is your sister the landlord doing??

The temporary friend on the couch turned into the girlfriend and she pays no extra rent because each room is rented separately. You are being treated as a pushover however your sister the landlord is even worse because they are making a laugh of her too.

The mature student guy needs to be evicted. He allowed the girlfriend to move in and while I doubt he wants the mother there he is responsible.

I'd guarantee the student will cry he had exams in May and can he stay until then but the time for flexibility is over. Also the additional bills the mother ran up come from his deposit. The friend who stayed from Wednesday to Monday I'd let that go, it was important at the time but it's done now

Your sister is a landlord and that brings more responsibilities then sitting back collecting rent. Though now there are 5 in the house and she gets paid for 3 so she is not even doing that

pilly

I think your sister is a lot a fault here OP, seems to me she's letting it all carry on and expecting you to deal with it.

You need to speak to her about it.

Panthro

Your sister is the landlord, that's the Ace card.
Play it!
And get that cheeky bint out of the house pronto!

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest the fact that the landlord is your sister is going against you. She's happy to inconvenience you and put you in an awkward situation because you're her sister. She will not tackle the other two because she doesn't want to make things awkward for them, or your cousin!!

Is the rent really cheap? If not, then you're probably better moving to a house where you don't have a personal relationship with the landlord or the tenants don't have a relationship with the landlord through family/friends. At least that way if there's an issue that needs to be sorted it is more likely be handled in a businesslike fashion rather than worrying about hurting someone's feelings.