Finding 'true' Love

CormacOH

I'm sorry it's so long. I really would appreciate some advice.

From the beginning.

I was 20, I meet a girl and I fall crazy in love with her. I mean crazy. I remember seeing her for the first time and from that moment a new addiction formed. We talked, it grew, I could not do enough for her, she was way out of my league but for some reason there she was, spending her time with me both day and night. It was a quick relationship (4 months), probably because I was a bit too invested in it. In fairness to her, she ended it as kindly as she could.

After she left, and I saw her with another guy on Facebook, I was crushed. I dropped to 7 stone (I'm 6ft 4") and basically shut down for 6 months.

I slowly recovered, got big into the gym and built myself back physically at least.

After 2 years I still hadn't really felt anything for anyone, but I was sick of the loneliness so I tried to move on.

So at 23, I meet a great girl, and spend 3 years with her. It was a fine relationship functionally but due to different circumstances it had to end eventually, but I was fine. She was great, I knew she was, but my feelings weren't really working.

Another year passes, and despite trying everything, i was still thinking about girl A.

At 27, I mailed her for a drink, we go, and for about another mind blowing 6 weeks we are together. This time I keep my cool. But again she turned for some reason and gave me a clear indication that it wasn't to be. So again I moved on, found someone else after a year of being by myself. She wasn't exactly Girl A but she seemed kind, considerate and most importantly she seemed excited about a relationship with me. 2.5 years go by, and (I hope you're sitting down, I wasn't), she turns out to be gay. So that ended. Again, I was fine.

So here I am. Almost 31, and again feeling very lonely. My confidence is down, no belief that someone would actually care enough to ever 'pick' me. I talk to girls but I don't know what to say. I think about Girl A sometimes and wish I'd never met her, but at the same time wonder if I'm lucky to know that this feeling is a real feeling. What do you reckon I should do next? I know when kids come along love evolves into 'team work' love. But should I wait for someone to feel those crazy feelings again? Or will I just go straight to 'team work' love, and hope the next one doesn't need to move away or change their sexuality!

racso1975

Girl A sounds more like an infatuation rather then a love story to be honest. You have spent 11 years of your life focusing on, at best, a 6 month relationship :eek::eek::eek:

You are 30 the best years of your life are not behind you by any means!!! What you do need to do though is take that lady off the pedestal you have her on. If you continue elevating her to a demi goddess status nobody will ever compare to her!!!

Edit: Also out of interest was Girl A your first serious sexual relationship

CormacOH

Thank you so much for your reply..

Ugh, pains me to say... It's a fantastic question though, I was going to mention it but didn't. Basically the first time around, though I was absolutely mad about her, she was light years ahead of me sexually . I couldn't do anything. Literally. Second time round years later, I felt the pressure but was finally able to. It was a big moment. I just froze the first time around. Stage fright for months.

Cupcake_Crisis

Girl A sounds like a bit of an infatuation to be honest op. There's a reason it didn't work out twice. You've given her 11 years of your life, it's time to get over her. Whether you feel like you can do that yourself or need a bit of help is up to you.

Eventually someone will come along that blows Girl A out of the water, you just have to put yourself out there.

Airyfairy12

Yeah youre infatuated with girl A, you have an idea in your head of what she's like and you probably see her as your dream perfect woman but the reality is very different, you hardly know her and by the sounds of it, its never going to happen, sorry to be harsh but it's just how it is. It sounds like youve been feeding these feelings by telling yourself over the last 10 years how amazing girl A is, it can easily become an obsession.
Stop comparing other girls to her, youre not even comparing them to 'her', youre comparing them to the rosey image you have of her which youve created in your head. Youre missing out on knowing some really amazing women because of these unrealistic expectations.
I wouldnt settle down with someone just because theyre placate and good with teamwork, I think love and attraction is really important when it comes to relationships but be realistic, you can be attracted to someone at first meeting but that doesnt mean you should marry them, get to know them before you decide how you really feel.

CormacOH

Ok I'm glad I posted now. So I'm doing the right thing being patient this time. I know you're right about the infatuation. I just wish my stupid feelings would catch up with the logic sometimes.

So I'm going to keep working on myself, be as social as I can and be patient for a bit of magic to come along because it does exist after the first time.

zoobizoo

I don't think any of us will ever top that feeling of our "first love" simply because it was the first time we'd felt feelings that strong, and it was all new and we couldn't see beyond that person.


If you met someone great today, and got on well with her, and had a great laugh, and had great fun, a great date and got her number, and she told you to call her, you wouldn't be thinking about Girl A.....

It's not really Girl A you miss, it's the feelings that you miss.

It's not about someone "picking" you.... it's about finding someone compatible, someone you fancy, someone you have fun with and someone you communicate well with.

At your age, I joined a sports club and it opened up my social life. I would recommend that you do the same. Early 30s is the ideal time to start dating as both you and your dates have a better sense of themselves.

witchgirl26

OP I think the other posters are right about your romanticized version of Girl A. She represents the thrill of first love & all that goes with it but in reality she didn't exactly treat you amazingly if she's dumped you twice. Sorry for being harsh but that's the truth.

You keep mentioning in your first post that you "moved on" but it really doesn't sound like you did.

Nobody "picks" someone else. It's totally cliche but when you stop searching for love, it's the time you're most likely to find it. Otherwise it can feel like pushing feelings rather than letting things just develop.

Don't settle - if you don't feel strongly for someone and can't imagine a life with them then it's not fair on you or them. At the same time, don't confuse a comfortable type of love with boring and "team work" love. Not all real love is mad crazy feelings. Just like they're always telling young girls that jealousy and possessiveness is not a sign that a guy is crazy in love with them - it means he's controlling. Crazy feelings can fizzle out but if someone is truly the one - the feeling that is there is a lot more than crazy.

CormacOH

witchgirl26 wrote:

Don't settle - if you don't feel strongly for someone and can't imagine a life with them then it's not fair on you or them. At the same time, don't confuse a comfortable type of love with boring and "team work" love. Not all real love is mad crazy feelings. Just like they're always telling young girls that jealousy and possessiveness is not a sign that a guy is crazy in love with them - it means he's controlling. Crazy feelings can fizzle out but if someone is truly the one - the feeling that is there is a lot more than crazy.

I definitely won't settle now. Between this thread and relationships happening around me I can see there is a different kind of feeling that exists beyond friendship or team work, at least in the beginning. The second time around with Girl A was great when it was great, but then she just became hot and cold again. On one of the cold days I actually decided it wasn't a great relationship and ended it. It's like intuitively I know we are so wrong for each other, but for some reason my feelings can't connect with that. Which I suppose ties completely back to the above point that I'm missing certain feelings, not actually missing her. Which totally makes sense now.
I moved on to the extent where I was basically going out with my best friends. We had lovely moments, trips abroad, nights in, great and happy memories. But i suppose the same memories you'd have with any 'best' mate really.

I suppose another minor point is that my mam passed away when I was a very young child. I don't have any memories of what that relationship (her and dad) would look like except from tv (not real I guess) or from friends parents. That's not a bitter note by the way, I was every lucky to have the strength of two parents in my dad growing up and was never left wanting at all, but just never saw what that picture would look like. So just another reason why I was asking what is a realistic picture. I'm not looking for a life long cocaine type addiction to someone. But I like the idea that I should be patient and someone I fancy will eventually turn their head my way. The term "pick" I used by the way, comes from one of the ways I'm trying to meet people - Tinder. Which I hate! I think a social/sports club would be a lot better! I feel like some of the girls I've matched with just match with 20 other lads, all of whom are saying "Hi how are you?!" And she picks the lotto winner leaving the rest to huddle on her matched page. I seriously need to get off that app.

Cupcake_Crisis

I get what you're saying op. My parents are disgustingly in love, still act like teenagers who fancy the arse off each other and are just a great team. On the one hand that's amazing and gave me something to look up to. On the other hand it's ruined my love life because THAT'S what I want and won't settle. All I can hope for us to find my own version of that.

And get off tinder, it's useless! I actually find it bad for my self esteem the longer I'm on it.

CormacOH

witchgirl26 wrote:

Not all real love is mad crazy feelings. Just like they're always telling young girls that jealousy and possessiveness is not a sign that a guy is crazy in love with them - it means he's controlling.

Never really thought of this before but it has come back to me a few times since I read it last night and it's important now. I really wish I read this at age 19. Believe it or not, I never drew a line before between 'crazy in love' feelings/actions and a controlling personality.

I wonder if the whole thing was rooted in a feeling of lack of control in other areas of my life. And maybe if I'd addressed them I wouldn't have vented on Girl A so much at the time, masking my actions and feelings as 'loving'.

Looking back at the two times that I felt strongly enough to ask her to get together - I was going through rough periods both times for a number of reasons (different stories altogether).

So, if this theory is true, then actually the problem of control could be stopping me from feeling 'In love', since the very first step of feeling 'In love' would surely be letting someone else in.

That's bonkers. Anyone have a time machine? I have a few things to put right.

Neon_Lights

As you're a single dude just be open minded, fun and carefree. Get to know as many girls as you like and just don't give a damn as to the outcome. You could waste many years of your life being miserable over a previous luc warm fling, or be fulfilled by great new experiences, perspectives and moments with other amazing people.

I think you're suffering from 'oneitis', the only one thing you do get is one life, don't let somebody dictate how you feel, go out there and grab the opportunity life's given you.