Worried about not being in a relationship yet.

LegacyUser

Hi,
This is probably silly to some people but here goes. I am 23 years old (female) and I have never had a boyfriend or any sort of relationship with a male. It's something that is really concerning me and it does make me worry will it ever happen or if I do meet someone how weird does it sound 23 and never been in a relationship.
I have a great group of friends all female who have tried to set me up in the past, but the males they were trying to set me up with weren't interested. I go out, not all that regularly probably about three or four times a month with group of friends and I have never been approached by a man. I know, I know why I don't go to them but I do be nervous.
I am in my final year of college after three years. There are no men on my course, so again no contact there. I am a member of a yoga society and volunteering society I'm college, no men there either. I work part time in a local shop, all female staff. I am a member of a running club, but all older men in that.
I am also not sure how to communicate with men, as I went to an all girls primary, secondary and college course (the college course wasn't intentional, just the way it turned out).
I don't know what I can do to try and meet men? And why they have no interest in me. I am not good looking but I won't say I was ugly either but maybe men think I am and that's why they don't approach me or perhaps they don't even notice me.
Just if anyone has any advice on how to meet men? Or is it normal to not meet someone by this age.
Thanks

silverharp

You're nearly done with college so you will have a lot of changes in the next 6 months so that should shake things up. If you are taking up a job after you finish college will that likely be sociable?
You could try online dating? at least it would give you a bit of practice going on dates, other than that have a look at your image? if its a bit "studenty" and not very flattering you might be able to improve your look?

The mysterious Anon

As an odd time visiter to 4Chan's robot 9k board, I can tell you that you are no where near rock bottom yet. I also can't give any advice on approaching men because I don't even know how to approach women. I can give some philosophical advice though. Do you love yourself? Narcissus wasn't all that wrong to stare at himself for so long, if you can look at yourself and not feel disgusted in some way than you're more confident than most people in an irish club/bar at any one time. I'm sure you look and dress fine, personality and commonality is what will carry any good relationship, a good fella will respect you for showing interest in them, hopefully it will be reciprocated. Remember that the more sober, less outgoing men are as terrified of you as you are of them. It's not that they're all socially retarded, it's just they probably came from some place in the middle of nowhere where the only significant women in their lives were either related or fictional, knowing this may make you feel more comfortable approaching (some) men. That being said you could just try sitting at the bar with less of an entourage (scares men away) try online dating( some proactive input with tinder is needed too, surely there's some good looking guy you interact with who you can ask to go for a coffee, might be as good if not better seeing as tinder seems very hook up oriented). Failing all this, relationships are only as important as let them be, society pushes us to be in a relationship or at least available for one, but really it's more important to be content in oneself. I recommend last year's "The Lobster" starring Colin Farrell which gives some witty social commentary on our objectively sex crazed culture. Good luck with life!

pilly

I think you need to definitely make more male friends OP. Why is your college course all girls?

In my experience most people your age meet fellas through friends, college, jobs etc. Very hard for anyone to meet someone in a nightclub unless you're very superficially good looking but I wouldn't worry about that. They're usually one night stands anyway.

Definitely look at ways of making male friends, cycling maybe? Something like that. Others might have different suggestions.

baby and crumble

OP, one of my best friends hadn't really dated or ever had a boyfriend until she was about 29. She met a lovely guy while in New Zealand working over there and 5 years later she's happily married with a son and another on the way. It's all horses for courses. Some people just don't grow into themselves or meet people they gel with until a bit later.

If it's distressing for you then yeah, maybe try online dating, or activities where there's bound to be young single lads your age (or close). Be proactive about it.

Also, guys aren't a different species. There's not really any difference in talking to them as to women, really. People are just people.

pwurple

Your social circle is entirely female. It's not entirely a surprise that you don't meet many men... No men at work, at your sports / hobbies, or in your college course. I'd suspect it's going to be the same whenever you get a post-college job. So I'd address that first, maybe by taking up some additional hobbies, and see where you get to.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies.
Yes it is highly unlikely (though not impossible) that I will be working with men when I graduate if I stay in this sector. Since the beginning of the course there has been two men. It's just more common for women to work in this sector. I wouldn't say what sector it is in case it makes me identifiable.
I think I will try online dating, joint clubs that are more common with men and go out with maybe just one or two friends. Sure I'll see how it goes.

pilly

I think it's important to make male friends also, apart from just dating. It will help you relate to men easier if you have some male friends. Don't look at every man as a potential partner but just as a friends. You say there are older men in your running club, no harm making friends with them just so that you're more comfortable in talking to men.

JackTaylorFan

Try not to be discouraged OP. You are certainly not the only person relatiosnhiply challenged. And you're still young.

It's hard meeting people right now. But you are about to finish up college - surely this means you will be moving on to new challenges and people in life - maybe you'll meet someone then.

It would also help if you understood yourself. What kinda personality are you. Maybe you are an introvert putting too much pressure on yourself to be like the more extroverted friends in your circle - who have a much easier time chatting to guys. I understand you feel weird for being 23 and not having had a BF yet - but believe me, not everybody is thinking that. Also, don't think of it as "how do I talk to guys?" - just talk as one human to another. Your interests should interest him, and vice versa, without this forced exchamge of banter.

A lot of people will tell you that you need to have experienced a few bad relationships to know when you've found the right person - you know, the "you have to kiss a few frogs" mentality. Well, that's a load of crap. If you meet the right person it won't matter if it's the first relationship or not - it will just feel right, period. Why should you have to fail numerous times and go through a load of drama to know what feels right? You don't. So don't let the lack of experience thing beat you up too much. Any guy worth it, would see passed that.

Being alone is not easy, I get this - but maybe learning to be comfortable with yourself will help you with your confidence. If that makes any sense.. No, It probably doesn't, does it...

Sorry.

gsi300024v

If you are quite nervous around men that will probably put them off, you could join meetup.com and go on activities were there are men in the group. You could try online dating and you'd get practice meeting men. You could also go to counselling and work on your nerves around men. If is probably not a pure accident that most of your activities are were there are no men your age. What would happen if you dated a man who liked you. I know when I was more anxious and nervous in general when younger, I'd no women for dates or anything, I'd say I was avoiding them with my hobbies I played and jobs I worked at. OR I'd be ultra fussy, so I was kinda saying, no to a girl cause I didn't like her shoes, it was easier than saying, no I'm too nervous. At the time I didn't know it was because of nerves though. You are 23 though so plenty of time, I'd say try do some social stuff like stuff on meetup.com or tag rugby or something where you get to meet men in a no pressure social setting. Get comfortable that way. Baby steps maybe needed.

Bambi985

No man is going to be put off because you haven't had a relationship at the age of 23. You are extremely young OP. I got into my first relationship a year and a half ago at 29. Dated around a lot and met loads of fellas throughout my 20s but just didn't find the right person throughout all those years. I'm not someone who could ever relationship-hop so it's just my personality and the way life worked out for me. Saved me a lot of the heartbreak I saw my friends going through too.

Definitely endeavour to make more male friends so that you're at ease around them. That's when things are likely to progress for you. My guy was a work friend who I just felt comfortable talking to that then became something more. You'll likely move into an expanding social circle after you graduate college and that will open the doors a lot - new colleagues and work social events etc. Perhaps you could hang out with your friends' boyfriends mates too. And set yourself up with some online dating profiles just to get out there. Don't take it too seriously, just use it as another avenue for meeting guys and to have a laugh.

Your whole life is ahead of you so don't waste these wonderful young years of your 20s feeling inadequate for something that is completely a non-issue and completely irrelevant to who you are and what you have to offer.

gsi300024v

I was 28 before I'd a relationship. No women around before that. I suppose yep I saved heart break in the earlier years but you kinda need to learn how to be in a relationship like most things you are new to you are not so great right away. I feel sorry for the 1st girls I went out with, I must have been annoying.
But yep you've tonnes of time, start getting out of your comfort zone a bit more, try new things where there might be some men around.

p1akuw47h5r3it

OP I am the in the exact same position as except we need to switch the genders. Virtually all male college course, all male job, always went to an all boys school and as pathetic as it sounds never a gf. I feel lonely like you and dont see myselg ever having a gf to be honest either!

milli milli

DanDan6592 wrote: »

dont see myselg ever having a gf to be honest either!

Dan, change your way of thinking or this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Broaden your horizons to include more girls - hobbies, etc. You may not think it but 23 is so, so young.

OP don't lose heart, I was 20 before I had a proper boyfriend. I never had a teenage romance and felt like I had missed out but looking back I'm glad I started relationships at that age now.

If you feel uncomfortable around men, practice just chatting to guys in public, e.g. make small talk with the barista when you're ordering your coffee, chat to the guy in front of you in a queue, mention the weather to the guy at the bus stop. Of course if there's girls there, chat to them too, don't just single out guys and it's not chatting them up, it's just being friendly and making small talk.

Guys aren't a different species although it may seem like that going through a single-sex education. I also had the single-sex secondary education and being with guys in college took a bit of getting used to.

Also OP regarding men not approaching you on nights out - is your body language closed of? Are you wearing flattering clothes and making the most of yourself? Are you holding yourself in a confident manner?