Teenage Bullying

LegacyUser

My daughter is 14 and has had the same two best friends since the first day of primary. After primary one of the girls went to a different secondary but the three remained good friends.

About a month ago my daughter had a falling out with the girl that went to the other school and they stopped talking. They patched things up and everything seemed fine. However this week the girl sent her a message saying since their argument she didn't think of her as a friend and didn't want to be her friend anymore. My daughter was very upset but didn't reply to this message . Then today she got a message from a school friend of this girl calling my daughter a c**t and a crap friend to the girl who "dumped" my daughter and saying she was going to come to her school or home and kick her until she was dead.

I don't know how to deal with this. My daughter is a very introverted quiet girl. She's already attending CAMHS and they're looking into if she suffers from depression and anxiety. She's really worried about this and it's not what she needs right now. She doesn't want to go to school tomorrow because she's afraid something will happen. I've told her I'll drop her and collect her but she doesn't want that either

What can I do?

Eimee90

You contact the school the other girl is in and request a formal meeting with the principal and your daughters principal. Bring all the text messages. I would imagine then her parents will be informed

silverharp

^^

i got the impression that the other "messages" werent txt ones so its just she said she said and I dont see it as a school issue. OP just explain to her that the girl is just trying to upset her and that its an empty threat and tell her if any other "messages" are relayed to her to brush it off and dont give any reaction. the other girl is obviously wound up that she didnt get a reaction to the original text

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. The messages were on Instagram. The girl who sent the message follows my daughter but my daughter doesn't follow her so she can't see if my daughter has read her message. She just now commented on one of my daughter's photos "check your dms now" with an angry face emoji. I told her to ignore it and have taken screen shots of the messages. The comment on the photo is public to my daughter's followers so I was tempted to reply myself but I know that would only humiliate my daughter even more.

Sinead Mc1

Could you maybe contact the parents of your daughter's ex friend. Maybe just explain to them that the 2 have fallen out, and that's fine, these things happen, but that one of their daughters friend has sent a quite abuse and threatening message to your daughter.
Obviously, you would have to stress that you are absolutely not holding them, or their daughter responsible. But maybe ask them to have a little word with their daughter about it in the hope that she would go back to other friend and warn her off. Once this girl knows that an adult is aware she might back off.
Hopefully the parents of your daughter's ex friend are descent enough and will understand your predicament.
If it were me I would defo do all I could to help.
Name calling is one thing but threatening messages like that are completely not acceptable. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. It is very tough growing up in this day and age.

silverharp

can you get her to block the the girl on Instagram and any other social media?

LaLa2004

I agree with blocking these girls & putting the phone away for a week. I wouldn't advise a parent to post a retort online. This would only add fuel to the fire.

PucaMama

LaLa2004 wrote: »

I agree with blocking these girls & putting the phone away for a week. I wouldn't advise a parent to post a retort online. This would only add fuel to the fire.

Why should the victim have to lose her phone for a week?

Go straight to the other school and the parents.

njs030

Why would you contact the other school?
Make your own daughters school aware of the threat.

Contact the girls parents as well as the ex friends. Actually she is responsible in that she has been bitching and allowing this to be done in her name and her parents should be made aware of who she is associated with.

prinzeugen

notjustsweet wrote: »

Why would you contact the other school? Its only a school issue when it's between pupils of the same school or happening on school grounds. Make your own daughters school aware of the threat yes.

Contact the girls parents as well as the ex friends. Actually she is responsible in that she has been bitching and allowing this to be done in her name and her parents should be made aware of who she is associated with.

Why not? The school should be made aware that a pupil is sending threatening messages to a pupil in another school.

If they are doing it to pupils from another school, what could the bully be doing in their own school??

LaLa2004

PucaMama wrote: »

Why should the victim have to lose her phone for a week?

Go straight to the other school and the parents.

To protect her mental health.

PucaMama

LaLa2004 wrote: »

To protect her mental health.

It's like putting a tiny plaster on a stab wound. Might get the problem out of the parents sight for a week but that's it. Kicking the can down the road.

silverharp

prinzeugen wrote: »

Why not? The school should be made aware that a pupil is sending threatening messages to a pupil in another school.

If they are doing it to pupils from another school, what could the bully be doing in their own school??

every kid goes to another school , the schools dont own them . its a bizarre idea

OP, the way I'd look at it is that she is what 14 and in second year I assume. I'd only get the other parents involved if it escalated by getting other girls involved in hassling your daughter for example. They are in different schools so she doesnt have to deal with her in real life. Block her and be done with it, most kids wouldnt want their parents getting involved over a few mean words.

njs030

prinzeugen wrote: »

Why not? The school should be made aware that a pupil is sending threatening messages to a pupil in another school.

If they are doing it to pupils from another school, what could the bully be doing in their own school??

Schools arent responsible for their pupils outside the school. It's nothing to do with them if it's not between pupils of the same school.

Do you really expect a principal responsible for a few hundred teenagers to listen and believe the complaints of one that has nothing to do with him/her and punish a pupil according to that? You don't see that crossing any boundaries or leaving the principal open to complaint from parents?

What ifs and what about really don't deal with the actual problem of helping the ops daughter.

prinzeugen

notjustsweet wrote: »

Schools arent responsible for their pupils outside the school. It's nothing to do with them if it's not between pupils of the same school.

Do you really expect a principal responsible for a few hundred teenagers to listen and believe the complaints of one that has nothing to do with him/her and punish a pupil according to that? You don't see that crossing any boundaries or leaving the principal open to complaint from parents?

What ifs and what about really don't deal with the actual problem of helping the ops daughter.

If you read the OP, a pupil (OP's daughters ex friend) has passed info onto another pupil at the ex friends new school and that is the person sending the messages.

The bully only got to know details of the Op's daughter through the new school.

I agree that schools only have a duty of care up to a point, however ANY form on bullying that takes place in a school or between schools must be knocked on the head.

If the schools or parents wont help, get the Garda involved.

These things can end up very, very badly.

Fakediamond

Block both of them from her social media accounts and support your daughter in gaining some perspective on the threats, e.g they're in a different school, so cannot go to her school to "get her" during school times and home is her safe space.

It's the modern version of "sticks and stones" etc and best ignored. I really don't think it's anything to do with school or Gardai! Come on, they're 14 years old! Anyway, the ex-friend may not be encouraging these threats, her nasty little new friend could be on a solo run.

Obviously social media is a powerful bullying tool, but as with all bullying, any response only escalates the situation and fuels the bully to continue as theyre getting a reaction.

LegacyUser

PucaMama wrote: »

It's like putting a tiny plaster on a stab wound. Might get the problem out of the parents sight for a week but that's it. Kicking the can down the road.

Def contact the school your child is going to and let them know this has happened in case it spills out into her own school. They will offer advice and keep an eye on her. She will be feeling worried and anxious so talk with her every day assuring her that these thongs happen to lots of people not just her. If it continues contact other school or the parents. They should know what their daughter is doi.g. 14 can be a difficult age for girls. Hope it goes well for u

Teyla Emmagan

I would contact your school, the other school and the guards. It's a horrible threat, to "kick her until she is dead". That other girl could be unbalanced for all you know (she sounds unbalanced). Most teenage bullying takes the form of exclusion, not death threats. A chat from the community guard could be very good for that young lady.

LegacyUser

Hi OP this is very serious bullying, absolutely deal with it. Don't let your daughter go to school and let her stay at home. She is vulnerable and afraid, give her the security and protection of her home.
Meanwhile contact both schools, either by phone or in person and make sure they know that this is a serious matter and you need them to investigate. Bullying is no joke. By sending your daughter to school without having resolved this you are potentially traumatising her. The school principals will most likely respond promptly and give you their time, this is a matter of utmost importance. It does not get much worse than that in schools, so please get them all on their feet.

LegacyUser

submitted my previous reply but can't stop raging about this post OP! Do not contact the other girl's parents, why would you put yourself in that situation? They might tell you to buzz off, or they might pretend like they are doing something and convince you not to go further. It is not something you can settle with them alone, it's not like your daughter was called a bad name. She was threatened, in very real terms. Disgusting, vile behaviour. But your daughter is under serious violence threat.

LegacyUser

I was a victim of bullying in my school days to the extent that the happiest day of my life was my last day in school. I didn't handle it well, neither did my parents or the schools.

I went away for college, cut ties and only returned home for 2 days at Christmas. After college I went overseas. I returned home many years later as a different person. Went into the local pub with my wife and couldn't believe that it stated up again within 20 minutes. A different attitude, but vile abuse and threats. This was nearly 15 years on.

That night I received a barrage of online messages and threats via social media, facebook and twitter, private and public messages

I left it for a day or two but I couldn't leave it.

I screen shotted everything and sent a reply message to the bully along the following lines.

Dear .....

I have printed off your messages and sent them with a detailed account of the background to my solicitor for safe keeping. If I do not receive a sincere, detailed apology by this Friday 5pm I will be taking legal action and talking to the Gardai. What you are engaging in is a criminal offence with remarkably serious consequences if proven. Feel free to google it. If I receive an acceptable apology I will consider the matter closed and will refer to it no more, however the documents will remain with my solicitor in case of any further issues.

I look forward to hearing from you.

....

It was a risk, but I did receive an apology. I have seen the individual in question several times since, we have not spoken, I just get a nod in my direction and I'm happy to leave it like that. It worked for me. I feel for your daughter, but ignoring it is not the way forward.

Maybe empowering her to do something like the above may help.

GingerLily

I also think you should consider at least an informal conversation with the guards, your daughter received a death threat.

Hrududu

Report the user to Instagram for abuse. Then ignore the idiot. And make sure your daughter knows that the girl sending the threats is an idiot.

retro:electro

Absolutely inform the schools and the guards! She received a death threat. Is it because they're teens that people aren't taking this seriously? If someone threatened you at work saying they would "kick you until you're dead", you'd act, right? I'd be taking no chances with this one, op.

silverharp

anna080 wrote: »

Absolutely inform the schools and the guards! She received a death threat. Is it because they're teens that people aren't taking this seriously? If someone threatened you at work saying they would "kick you until you're dead", you'd act, right? I'd be taking no chances with this one, op.

well yeah, unless the ex friend is part of some scumbag local drug or crime family I would take it as hyperbole. Getting the guards in is ott and will upset her daughter even more as she will have to treat the comment as real instead of a "sticks and stones" approach as someone said earlier in the thread.
Im a parent and I would be totally in favour of the daughter managing this herself with a steer from her parents instead of going all special snowflake.

retro:electro

silverharp wrote: »

well yeah, unless the ex friend is part of some scumbag local drug or crime family I would take it as hyperbole. Getting the guards in is ott and will upset her daughter even more as she will have to treat the comment as real instead of a "sticks and stones" approach as someone said earlier in the thread.
Im a parent and I would be totally in favour of the daughter managing this herself with a steer from her parents instead of going all special snowflake.

Special snowflake? It's not special snowflake to take appropriate measures when a bully is issuing death threats, imo. I doubt they're going to lock her up and throw away the key like, but a harsh word from the local guard might be just what the little madam needs. A sticks and stones approach might work for comments like "you're ugly" or "nobody likes you"; not "I'm going to kick you until you're dead". That's totally crossing the line.

silverharp

anna080 wrote: »

Special snowflake? It's not special snowflake to take appropriate measures when a bully is issuing death threats, imo. I doubt they're going to lock her up and throw away the key like, but a harsh word from the local guard might be just what the little madam needs. A sticks and stones approach would be to ignore a comment like "you're ugly" or "nobody likes you"; not "I'm going to kick you until you're dead". That's totally crossing the line.

well that's the thing without context you can describe it as a "death threat" with context it isn't. And look if the girl sent several messages like this then sure send the screenshots to her parents and get them to put an end to it. However first instance is block the ex friend from social media and make future contacts invite only, the daughter most likely will not hear from her again but if the girl continues messaging her in a threatening or abusive way then escalate to the parents.

retro:electro

silverharp wrote: »

well that's the thing without context you can describe it as a "death threat" with context it isn't. And look if the girl sent several messages like this then sure send the screenshots to her parents and get them to put an end to it. However first instance is block the ex friend from social media and make future contacts invite only, the daughter most likely will not hear from her again but if the girl continues messaging her in a threatening or abusive way then escalate to the parents.

I dono, tbh. I wouldn't wait around to see does it escalate, id want to nip it in the bud as soon as possible. The daughter is scared to go to school, ffs

A_Sober_Paddy

I really hope if I have kids they never suffer bullying. But if they did I would be involving guards pronto, especially with threats of violence. I'd also be keeping screenshots, pictures and all evidence of bullying and in my pettyness use it to embarrass the bully in later life, just hope my pettyness deminishes with age

silverharp

anna080 wrote: »

I dono, tbh. I wouldn't wait around to see does it escalate, id want to nip it in the bud as soon as possible. The daughter is scared to go to school, ffs

she is but I'd say escalating now would reinforce her fears instead of the far better life lesson of coming to realise that her fears were overblown and so be able to treat any potential future incident in a calmer way. Also it could go either way, yep it might put the fear of god in the other girl or the other girl might feel hard done by and start the online stuff again with fake accounts or going overboard to turn her school friends against her.

LegacyUser

definitely tell the guards OP

.......

This post has been deleted.

Cupcake_Crisis

Tbh honest, I'd go directly to the parents. I'd first go to the parents of the ex friend and then to the ones of the girl sending the messages.

Block her but screenshot every message. I feel like a lot of the times young girls don't fully understand the gravity of what they're doing until it's explained to them very plainly and as such these things can escalate very quickly. Nip it asap. I know if I had of done something like that my mother would have made sure I didn't see sunlight for weeks.

Best of luck op and I hope you get it sorted. It's a horrible thing for any teen to be put through.

njs030

I'd wonder how many people here actually have teenage children and have any concept of how ridiculous it is to go running to the guards because someone said something mean to your child.

Rational and calm parenting is the example that should be set, it's not a death threat it's a silly little girl acting out that needs to be dealt with firmly without adding drama or embarrassing an already upset child.

The nuclear options of guards, principals, schools are for when things escalate past the point that it can't be handled easily. It's not the first step.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Lackey

notjustsweet wrote: »

Schools arent responsible for their pupils outside the school. It's nothing to do with them if it's not between pupils of the same school.

Do you really expect a principal responsible for a few hundred teenagers to listen and believe the complaints of one that has nothing to do with him/her and punish a pupil according to that? You don't see that crossing any boundaries or leaving the principal open to complaint from parents?
r.

This isn't true anymore, most schools have a social media policy that has to be signed by parents and students.
I've seen teens suspended for this kind of crap.

njs030

....... wrote: »

I think its remarkable that an adult cant see the difference between someone "saying something mean" and a threat to "kick her until she is dead".

Its disturbing.

I think it's remarkable that people can't see teenagers are idiots and would prefer to go nuclear and embarrass an introverted child rather than rational calm parenting.

Lackey I know that. Parent of child in school x doesn't have any right to complain to principal of school y about a child in school y was my point. I think there would be some kind of child protection policy in place that wouldnt allow discussion anyway...
Parent of child in school x deals with school x. I'm sure schools have the ability to communicate effectively if needed.

kylith

notjustsweet wrote: »

... it's a silly little girl acting out that needs to be dealt with firmly without adding drama or embarrassing an already upset child.

The nuclear options of guards, principals, schools are for when things escalate past the point that it can't be handled easily. It's not the first step.

Yes, it's a silly little girl, and getting a reality check about the consequences of her silly little actions might be enough to knock it on the head and stop her from doing it again.

OP: just get your daughter to respond to this girl saying that her threats have been forwarded to the Gardai and not to contact her again.

.......

This post has been deleted.

silverharp

kylith wrote: »

OP: just get your daughter to respond to this girl saying that her threats have been forwarded to the Gardai and not to contact her again.

now there is a creative solution I can get behind

Lackey

notjustsweet wrote: »

I think it's remarkable that people can't see teenagers are idiots and would prefer to go nuclear and embarrass an introverted child rather than rational calm parenting.

Lackey I know that. Parent of child in school x doesn't have any right to complain to principal of school y about a child in school y was my point. I think there would be some kind of child protection policy in place that wouldnt allow discussion anyway...
Parent of child in school x deals with school x. I'm sure schools have the ability to communicate effectively if needed.

Yup teenagers can be idiots
People do and have gone to other schools about their pupils, I've seen it happen and I've seen the consequences,
Not just bullying but antisocial behaviour after school hours in uniform.
I agree that it depends on the school, and what approach they take in general though.

Sorry OP don't mean to derail the thread ...just another side of what's been said based on what I've seen.

njs030

kylith wrote: »

OP: just get your daughter to respond to this girl saying that her threats have been forwarded to the Gardai and not to contact her again.

I agree with this too. Simple and effective, doesn't embarrass the girl, lets her stand on her own two feet and sends a clear message.

Perfect!

idnkph

GingerLily wrote:

I also think you should consider at least an informal conversation with the guards, your daughter received a death threat.

Guards don't act on informal chats anymore. It's a formal complaint or get out of the station.
OP contact both schools and make them aware and try arrange a meeting between all involved.
If you cannot get it sorted that way then the gardai are the next step.

freshpopcorn

beenthereb4 wrote: »

I was a victim of bullying in my school days to the extent that the happiest day of my life was my last day in school. I didn't handle it well, neither did my parents or the schools.

I went away for college, cut ties and only returned home for 2 days at Christmas. After college I went overseas. I returned home many years later as a different person. Went into the local pub with my wife and couldn't believe that it stated up again within 20 minutes. A different attitude, but vile abuse and threats. This was nearly 15 years on.

That night I received a barrage of online messages and threats via social media, facebook and twitter, private and public messages

I left it for a day or two but I couldn't leave it.

I screen shotted everything and sent a reply message to the bully along the following lines.

Dear .....

I have printed off your messages and sent them with a detailed account of the background to my solicitor for safe keeping. If I do not receive a sincere, detailed apology by this Friday 5pm I will be taking legal action and talking to the Gardai. What you are engaging in is a criminal offence with remarkably serious consequences if proven. Feel free to google it. If I receive an acceptable apology I will consider the matter closed and will refer to it no more, however the documents will remain with my solicitor in case of any further issues.

I look forward to hearing from you.

....

It was a risk, but I did receive an apology. I have seen the individual in question several times since, we have not spoken, I just get a nod in my direction and I'm happy to leave it like that. It worked for me. I feel for your daughter, but ignoring it is not the way forward.

Maybe empowering her to do something like the above may help.

I'd be very careful of doing this in a school situation because your daughter might made a laughing stock out of her behind her back or isolated by her peers encase they offended her and she tried to sue them. It's fine when you just have to visit a local town a bit but she has a good few years of school left.

Augme

anna080 wrote: »

Special snowflake? It's not special snowflake to take appropriate measures when a bully is issuing death threats, imo. I doubt they're going to lock her up and throw away the key like, but a harsh word from the local guard might be just what the little madam needs. A sticks and stones approach might work for comments like "you're ugly" or "nobody likes you"; not "I'm going to kick you until you're dead". That's totally crossing the line.

It might also push the girl to give the daughter a good hiding as well. The OP would also need to think of the repercussions for her daughter from her peers if they went to the Garda.

Eimee90

As a teacher myself, i would advise you to most certainly contact the school. Bullying is serious and trust me the school would want to know. Do not block the girls without copying all the messages first. I really stress to take as much action as soon as you can. The consequences of this can be so damaging and do not approach the bullies without a proper meeting. It can turn ugly

cbyrd

Contact the school and also inform CAMHs. The social worker will advise you of the best way to deal with this given your daughters needs.
They'd be the first call I would make.
I'd have no hesitation going to the guards either. Block links via social media and change you daughters phone number. Protecting her is your sole aim. Leave the parents out of it unless it's a supervised meeting via school or guards. It's not your job to take them on.

BetsyEllen

People that are saying to ignore this clearly have no notion of what teenage girls can be like.

I went to a 'nice' school and I was witness to a group of girls waiting for another girl once.
Similar situation, she had an argument with a 'friend', it escalated and a week later 5 girls are waiting at the school gates for her, started with name calling and then it got out of hand and the poor girl was jumped.
Teachers came running out from all directions to break it up but the girl still got an awful beating; I remember one holding her whilst others kicked her in the body, head and face.
These weren't your average 'scummy' girls that you'd think of when you see this kind of behaviour. Individually, just normal school kids. But as Big Bag of Chips has mentioned below, the mob mentality makes people act very differently when encouraged and in a group.

The chances of her 'kicking her to death' are obviously very slim but I wouldn't take the threat of violence lightly. Teenage girls can be extremely nasty.

I was bullied at school for a while (never physically thank God) and honestly, my confidence probably still suffers for it even now at the age of 30.

I don't think you should leave this OP - it may cause your daughter some embarrassment but better that then her being attacked or to receive more threats (even if empty) that could do further damage to her mental health.

I'm not a parent so I don't really know the proper or best way for you to deal with this (Guards, Contact school etc) but I wanted to say please don't just leave it and hope it goes away.

Maybe talking to the parents of the girl she originally fell out with would be a start as obviously their daughter has been bad mouthing yours and started all this in the first place. I'm sure they'd be interested to know she has become friends with a girl that threatens to kill other people on public social media.

I would then maybe try and contact the parents of the girl that sent the messages, show them the screen shots but first check what kind of a family they are...not all parents will be concerned about this and may even defend them. Or see your contact as confrontation. A scummy family could react badly so only do this is you feel the parents will cooperate.

Then let your daughters school know that she been threatened in relation to an argument with her friend and whilst the person making the threats is not a pupil there, it's worth them knowing she has been threatened with violence just in case there is a case of waiting at the school gates.

And finally, get this girl blocked on social media. Your girl doesn't need the fear of seeing another message every time her phone beeps.

I feel very sorry for her (and you) I hope this can be resolved.

Big Bag of Chips

I also wouldn't underestimate the 'cockiness' of a group of girls together. One girl on their own is unlikely to start something, but with a bit of back up or encouragement who knows what might happen.

Something happened to my child in school recently where a group that were playing a game suddenly turned and the game turned nasty. It was dealt with quickly by the teachers and 'mob mentality' was mentioned. Each child on their own would never have done what the group did as a whole. They were even shocked themselves when they were stopped and their attention brought to what they were actually doing.

So do not underestimate what a group might do that an individual would never do.

Minera

When I read the op my first thought was Erin Gallagher and Ciara Pugsley. Both girls were teenagers who were being bullied online.
OP check that this is not going on longer than you think and absolutely involve the schools, but maybe take a proactive approach rather than blame approach.

These messages will be impacting on your daughter's mental health and confidence of that I am sure. Sort this out quickly and keep a close eye on your daughter.